He Just Found Out There IS Such A Thing as The Real World

MORON

Dear John,

You have little to no talent. You are not funny. You say stupid things that insult and offend people, from your fans to your detractors. You are not a racist, just a MORON.

Sincerely,

Rick's Cafe Texan

I've never understood John Mayer's popularity. I'm constantly told that he's this musical genius but after listening to Room For Squares, I couldn't tell one song from the other. In short, I find all his songs sound the same. Why is this person considered talented? His voice is this permanent whisper with a touch of a growl that induces sleep.

Yet all this time these really silly girls would throw themselves at him. They thought he was SO CUTE, SO SENSITIVE, SO SMART. Well ladies, you've had all three of your beliefs shattered. Look at his mug shot. I don't consider that to be a beautiful face--just one with a blank brain. On the sensitive front, I don't know of another sensitive guy who talks about how good (or bad) his ex-lovers were in bed. That, my dear ladies, is not chivalrous. As for the smart...

Where to begin? First, there's the talking about Jessica Simpson being "sexual napalm". Well, why would you want to tell the world about your sex life? I've always been told that "private life" should be, well, private. As former President Bill Clinton remarked after his testimony to the Starr (Chamber) Inquiry, "Even Presidents have private lives". Actually Mr. President, they don't, but I digress. I wonder how many women like having their sexual prowess discussed for us to giggle over?

Next, there's the "n****r" remark. Did he think he was being clever, or hip, or with-it? Mr. Meyer is around my age, so he really has no excuse to imagine in ANY way that HIS use of this term would be applauded by anyone. I find it distasteful when an African-American uses it (and wish they would stop), and this WASPy McWasp (to use a Seth Cohen terminology) using it is just inflammatory. I imagine that Mr. Mayer thought he had some cover since he was/is a big Obama supporter. Let me clear him of such thoughts: Johnny, just because you voted and campaigned for the first African-American President doesn't mean you can use a term that would insult him and his family. Now, I don't believe John Mayer is a racist, just a MORON.

Finally, let's go to his penis. No, he doesn't have black women throwing themselves at him (I imagine because by and large they have better taste in music and men). However, if he did, he wouldn't sleep with one because as he put it, his "dick" is like a "white supremacist" (I use quotation marks to indicate his words). You'd think a 32-year-old would think twice about comparing his "c**k" to former Klansman David Duke (or for that matter, former Klansman Robert Byrd--equal opportunity here), but this 32-year-old man (and I'm using that term loosely) didn't. Even if one had no desire to bed a woman because of her race or ethnicity, one shouldn't publicize such details. One may have a preference for a certain race/ethnicity, but why tell the world, "No Black Chicks" (for the record, Alicia Keyes and Beyoncé are free to call me anytime). That makes you look kind of, well, racist (even though I don't think he is). It also confirms that person as a MORON.

Now, there are many things to hate about John Mayer: his awful music, his pathetic attempts at humor, dumping Jennifer Aniston (TWICE, and once in the middle of the street to all the paparazzi), being overpaid for being undertalented. I dislike him for All Of The Above (especially the Aniston bit, though I question HER intelligence in going out with him at all, let alone after being dumped once by him). Now I have another reason: he's a MORON. Shall we look for a "teachable moment"? This is it: people who write bad songs (and paid far too much for that) are just too far isolated from reality, where one doesn't talk about their sex life or use inappropriate language. You shouldn't talk about your penis or where it's been in or where it won't be in. This is a sad case of someone who's been surrounded by too many sycophants praising his "genius" and "witty mind" and has ultimately violated the Top Rule in Show-Business: Don't Believe Your Own Press.

Dear John, I would advise you to stop talking to the press. Take this as your mantra: brevity is the soul of wit (of which you could use). Not playing with the paparazzi has worked before. It's worked for Dylan (who is more talented than you will ever be). In short, to quote Gwen Stefani, "don't speak".

P.S. John Clayton Mayer, you are not talented, you are not funny, but you a MORON.