Nemesis: The Ten Worst Bond Villains

As stated earlier, I find that the more dangerous James Bond's antagonist are the more effective said antagonist will be.  However, when a Bond Villain's scheme proves particularly idiotic, or when the Villain him/herself appears so stupid, he/she not only proves an unworthy antagonist but an object of ridicule among his/her fellow Master Criminals. 

We've all had employers whom we know are idiots.  Various Henchmen are not immune from inept Super-Criminals.  They probably on their days off wondered, 'how could someone so patently stupid be in charge?'

With that, my Ten Worst Bond Villains List.

10.) Drax (Moonraker)

I have a great fondness for Sir Hugo Drax.  There is something quite amusing about him: the way he speaks so calmly, almost hypnotically.  The way he rarely ever gets angry, even when his plans to kill Bond off fail so spectacularly.  The way he ignores the beauties that surround him. 

I've always thought Drax if nothing else, thought big.  He could be accused of wanting to 'take over the world' by committing mass genocide, killing off the Earth's population to start his own Master Race (with him obviously as Overlord).  He was a silly man, one that inspired more humor than menace.  Still, I LOVE DRAX!  No matter what Michael Lonsdale may do, he'll always be that delightfully goofy Bond Villain to me.


09.) Brad Whitaker (The Living Daylights) *

I liked The Living Daylights and think it's one of the better Bond Films.  One thing that I didn't care for was Joe Don Baker's Brad Whitaker.  He was a completely comical foil for anyone: loud, brash, garish, with a raging ego, a military fetish and no real sense of menace or danger. 

We never got the sense that Whitaker knew what he was talking about, let alone that he was some criminal mastermind.  He's suppose to be a major arms dealer, but given his overall manner of being one wonders why anyone would turn to him (with his faux-military uniforms and dummies of himself looking like great military men/criminal leaders such as Hitler) for weapons.  What really damns Whitaker is that his end was remarkably anti-climatic.  However, given that this man, crazed by all things military, had an inglorious ending, it might just have been the right way to go.

08.) Stromberg (The Spy Who Loved Me)

Again, here's a case of me actually liking the Bond Villain.  For a long time Carl Stromberg was on my Top Ten List, but then after some thought I wondered why he deserved such a high place.  He really didn't do anything.  Like Drax, he had a Voice and Presence.  What he didn't have was much involvement in the actual execution of the plans or of the British MI6 Agent 007 and/or the Soviet agent XXX.

I have a soft spot for Stromberg, but he knocked down because after remaining very beyond things I couldn't possibly believe he would take any interest in XXX, let alone a sexual one.  His lack of involvement pushes him down on my list, but for myself, I LIKE Stromberg.

07.) Silva (Skyfall)

Here are some words that I would use to describe Skyfall's Villain Silva: campy, over-the-top, showy, exaggerated.  Of course, I still use the same words to describe Heath Ledger's Joker in The Dark Knight, and after having seen Skyfall, it's a perfect description since Javier Bardem apparently decided that copying Ledger's The Dark Knight performance would make his Villain just as iconic.

I would argue it makes him ironic.  It's exactly like The Joker sans makeup.  I never took this guy seriously, and frankly I'm tired of villains who are villains because Mommy (or Mother Figures) didn't love them enough.  We've covered similar territory with Alec Trevelyan in GoldenEye.  Finally, what can one say about a Villain who makes the audience burst out laughing?

06.) Maximilian Largo (Never Say Never Again)

Yes, I know Never Say Never Again is not an official Bond Film, but I count it for this Retrospective.  Maximilian Largo was someone I marvelled at, only because I couldn't believe anyone would take him to be a menace.

For me, Largo turned into a joke from which nothing could restore him the moment he challenged Bond to what is essentially a video game...a video game of DEATH!  Even Octopussy's Kamal Khan managed to make a board game more menacing, and Louis Jourdan appeared to be delighting in overacting.  Klaus Maria Brandauer was being deliberately silly as the villain...or at least I HOPE he was. Otherwise...

05.) Blofeld III (Diamonds Are Forever)

We know Blofeld has always been known for his pussy, but this is not what we had in mind.  It's genuinely sad to see such a menacing character from You Only Live Twice and On Her Majesty's Secret Service end up reduced to being a drag queen.

I can't imagine Charles Gray (Blofeld III) thought that after this, anyone would take the character (or perhaps Gray himself) seriously. What SENSE is there in Blofeld making a daring escape by doing a Dame Edna Everage impersonation?  It turns everything into a joke, but before Blofeld finally fell off the cliff with this embarrassing ensemble, Blofeld would have already ranked pretty low thanks to Gray.  Perhaps it was the actor's choice, perhaps that of the director, but they decided to make Blofeld into this vaguely effeminate, grandiose villain whose scheme is rather hare-brained even for him.  He was never an active participant in the plans, and turning Blofeld into a figure of fun doomed Diamonds Are Forever.

Even more confusing, we'd already seen Gray as another character in You Only Live Twice, so if one had been seeing the Bond films in chronological order, it would have been confusing to have gone from MI6 agent killed quickly to our Nehru-wearing, pussy-petting Master-Criminal.

     
In case the next Bond Film decides to bring Blofeld back, I offer a suggestion for the role...

04.) Elektra King (The World is Not Enough) **

How could they possible screw this up?  The World is Not Enough is one of the rare moments when we've had a female Bond Villain (and the first Bond Villain 007 has actually slept with...would YOU like to have a romp with Rosa Klebb?).  However, Elektra King was a disastrous choice because the script wanted it both ways.  On the one hand, it wanted Elektra to be unrepentantly evil.  On the other, it wanted Elektra to be seen as a victim.  It could never make up its mind, and that was just one of the hosts of problems the film had.

We're suppose to believe Elektra King is Azerbaijani, but she's fair-skinned, has a British father and a French accent.  She's as Azerbaijani as Alexander Skarsgard is Nigerian.  We also have that pesky problem of her actual scheme (which doesn't at least, involve taking over the world).  From what I understood, she's willing to blow up her own oil pipelines in order to make more money...or blackmail the world or something; no one knows what exactly she wanted.

Finally, she wants revenge on Judi Dench's M for leaving her to die at the hands of terrorists...hope they never use THAT motive in any other Bond films...

03.) Elliot Carver (Tomorrow Never Dies)

Yeah, I hate Rupert Murdoch as much as everyone else does save for Sean Hannity, but even I think Murdoch's doppelganger Elliot Carver is too much.  The media baron as Bond Villain must have thought that he had all the accruments to be effective.  A Henchman? Check.  A Secondary Bond Girl that gets knocked off? Check. A harebrained scheme that is vaguely about 'taking over the world'? Check.  A Nehru jacket?  Check and Check.

What he didn't have was anything that worked.  The thing about Villains is that they never see themselves as villains.  Poor Jonathan Pryce must have taken this Bartha role because he thought it would be a hoot to be a bad guy.  However, Elliot Carver is really a most stupid character: he threatens world war for ratings?  RATINGS!  Specifically, broadcast rights in China.  One would have imagined a simple bribe would have done the work, but NO!  Carver had to have his war, and he'd already spent billions on a secret invisible warship, so he might as well get his money's worth. 

The plan's stupid, the character's stupid, the movie's stupid. 

02.) Gustav Graves (Die Another Day)

Bond Villains can be flamboyant, over-the-top, even flat-out nutty.  What Bond Villains must never be is down-and-out laughable, but Die Another Day's Gustav Graves is clearly insane.  Not insane in the 'criminal genius' style, but insane in the 'the idea is beyond believable even for a Bond film' crazy. 

Even if we were to roll with the idea that Gustav Graves were this crazed billionaire who was going to melt the world to start a war, it's the "shocking twist" that is almost too painful to watch.  Who thought ANYONE would believe Toby Stephens was KOREAN?  Seriously, not since Blofeld fled his lair in high heels and makeup while holding his pussy in his hands has a villain been so flat-out embarrassing and laughable.

If Graves had WORKED for/with the North Koreans, the character MIGHT have stood a chance.  Fortunately for us, Stephens' decision to not so much overact as perform a bad parody of a Bond Villain killed even that avenue.  Another bad scheme by another bad Villain who can't be taken seriously.

And now, the Single Worst Bond Villain of All Time is....

01.) Dominic Greene (Quantum of Solace)

Here is the Bond Villain's Dastardly Scheme:

He's going to steal Bolivia's water.

Enough said.

Having rounded up all our Master Criminal Murderer's Row, I think it's time to move on to more important things.

That's right: The Ten Best and Worst Bond Girls.

James Bond (Lists) Will Return...

* Whitaker was accompanied by Russian General Koskov.  However, it appeared that Whitaker was the Primary Bond antagonist while Koskov was a bumbling idiot who just worked for Whitaker.  After some debate, I opted for Whitaker as being the actual Bond Villain in The Living Daylights since he appeared to be the brains of the operation.

** Another case of not figuring out exactly who was the actual Bond Villain due to a lousy script.  Elektra King gets the nod because, like Whitaker, she and not Renard (who appears to be more the Henchman) seems to be the actual brains behind the scheme.  However, The World is Not Enough is never exactly clear who is doing what to whom, so a legitimate debate can be made as to whether King or Renard deserve the dubious Worst Bond Villain distinction.

Blofeld IV?

Nemesis: The Ten Best Bond Villains

The James Bond series has a great variety in their rogue's row.  Some have been brilliant: cold, chilling, and even dangerous despite their oddball plans.  Others have veered dangerously close to camp.

Contrary to the stereotype, not all Bond Villains want to "take over the world".  Most actually are in it for financial reasons having little to nothing to do with world domination (although, granted, a few would like to rule the Earth...though what exactly they would do with it we're never quite sure of).  A few have more personal reasons for vengeance, some are merely apparatchiks with no other motivation than doing someone else's bidding, and some are just flat-out bonkers.

A good Bond Villain has to be someone I can take seriously, someone who I think could or would kill me if I dared get in the way.  A bad Bond Villain is one whose scheme is so hare-brained SPECTRE would laugh it out of its lair. 

With that, I present my list of the Ten Best Bond Villains.

10.) Dr. No (Dr. No)

Sometimes you gotta start with the originator.  Doctor Julius No, Eurasian mad scientist, had a curious manner: part courtly and sophisticated, part loon.  He didn't operate on his own accord.  It should be remembered he worked for SPECTRE: SPecial Executive for Counter-intelligence, Terrorism, Revenge, and Extortion.  He also had those damaged hands he kept hidden with black gloves. 

Dr. No's real power is in how he hides and intimidates others.  In fact, you don't actually SEE Dr. No until near the end of the film.  The rest of the time, you hear his voice or hear others talk about him. The build-up to Dr. No's appearance is what keeps you guessing as to whom or what he actually is.  It's this combination of menace and manners that makes Dr. No both a source of fear and a source of wonder.

09.) Max Zorin (A View to A Kill)

Oh, I know I'm going to get into trouble for this.  I imagine putting Max Zorin in my Top Ten Bond Villains may be the most controversial choice of any Bond Lists.  Try as I might I couldn't shake Zorin from my Top Ten List.  I've found that Max Zorin is held in total contempt and is thought of as one of the worst things in one of the worst Bond movies.  I'm not going to debate the merits of A View to A Kill (it is pretty bad).  However, I'm going to try to make my case for Christopher Walken's much-trashed villain.

First, it's Christopher Walken, and from what I saw he played the part given correctly: that of a psychopath billionaire.  Second, unlike most Bond villains, Zorin is one of the few who doesn't mind getting his hands dirty.  He enjoys killing, right down to his own Henchman May Day.  Third and last, Zorin doesn't shrink from taking on both MI6 and the KGB, his raging lunacy complimenting his deranged ego.  It's not Walken's fault he was in a dreadful film.  In fact, I think he is one of the better things in A View to A Kill. 

Finally, as a digression, it's a curious thing that A View to A Kill starts with a disclaimer stating that Zorin or Zorin Industries should not be mistaken for any real person or company.  This fellow, an up-and-coming violinist also named Max Zorin, would be smart to capitalize on this odd twist by having Walken tape an introduction or close a concert with an encore performance of A View to A Kill.  Just a thought.

08.) Blofeld II (On Her Majesty's Secret Service)

The character of Ernst Stravo Blofeld, head of SPECTRE, was played by three actors in three films.  Telly Savalas played Blofeld in the second of what's been dubbed The Blofeld Trilogy.  He ranks high because this Blofeld took a more active role than either than his predecessor or successor.  Granted, he wasn't as dangerous as the former but at least he wasn't as camp as the latter. 

Blofeld II is one of those villains who thought big (he blackmailed the world, all in some bizarre plan that involved earning a title), and while it isn't the most well-thought out plan, his ability to place Bond in dangers we wonder he can escape raises his caliber.  That, and he managed to hurt Bond in the most intimate way.

07.) Franz Sanchez (Licence to Kill)

Franz Sanchez didn't want to 'take over the world'.  He was quite content in being a drug kingpin.  It is his remarkable coolness that makes him dangerous.  Sanchez rarely if ever ranted or raved.  Instead, he took a remarkably business-like approach to every aspect of his business.  If it meant letting Bond's best friend Felix Leiter be devoured by a shark and have Leiter's new bride raped and murdered, so be it.  If it meant blowing up a questionable ally, so be it.  If it meant shooting his accountant near the end of his reign because he was daring to critize him as his empire was collapsing, so be it.

It's a credit to Robert Davi's ability as an actor that I don't hold him in much disregard for having Sanchez played by an Italian rather than a Hispanic.  Still, even within the murderous evil that is Sanchez, his total trust of Bond almost makes one sad when he learns that 007 is really a British agent seeking revenge on his own accord. 

Almost.

06.) Kristatos (For Your Eyes Only)

Kristatos works because there is always a hint, mild as it may be, that he really isn't the Villain.  We all should know that Kristatos is a villain.  However, the mind games Kristatos plays as to whether he is the good guy fighting a fellow Greek or whether Kristatos is the actual villain is what elevates him.  He is so courtly, so benevolent. 

I think the indication that he IS the villain is the fact that he helpfully sponsors a very young (and annoyngingly chatty) girl with her Olympic skating aspirations.  Kristatos is also someone who is far brighter than other Bond Villains.  He basically plays a waiting game to see whether Bond accomplishes his missioin or not, basically letting 007 do all the work while Kristatos reaps the rewards.  A smart performance from Julian Glover as a Villain that I don't think gets enough credit merely because it isn't as showy as others before or since.

05.) Blofeld I (You Only Live Twice)

I have long argued that when you hire an actual actor, someone with vast experience, in a role that might be in a far-fetched film, it makes the performance work and overcome the deficiencies in the film.  Casting Donald Pleasance as Ernst Stravo Blofeld in You Only Live Twice is such a moment.

In the four preceeding Bond films, Blofeld (aka Number One) was always just a voice with a pussy in his lap.  Even for most of YOLT, Blofeld was still held back...and back, until he spins his chair and we see a strange mix: a very courtly individual with a shocking scar across his face.  In any other hands, Blofeld could have come off as camp: this guy with a cat and his Nehru jacket.  In Pleasance's hands, he is a powerful figure: violent and bright.  His simple command, "Kill Bond. Now," is a declaration of war.  I'm not a fan of You Only Live Twice, but Blofeld I is one of the few highlights of the film.  When people think of a Bond Villain (or a parody of a Bond Villain a la Doctor Evil), it's Blofeld I that comes to mind, a most impressive act for a performance that was probably a half-hour at the most.

04.) Francisco Scaramanga (The Man With the Golden Gun)

While much has been written about the negatives in The Man With the Golden Gun (and there is a lot of negatives), I have yet to hear anything negative about Francisco Scaramanga, the titled Man With the Golden Gun.  I think it has to do with the fact that it's Sir Christopher Lee playing the role.

Scaramanga is a hired gun, but in many ways he is Bond's equal, or to use a Star Wars analogy, the Dark Side of 007.  He is a man who can have many women, he is a man who is ruthless in his efficiency, and someone who is an expert killer.  Scaramanga was saddled with a host of horrible things: bad Henchmen, bad story, bad gadgets, but Lee brought his considerable talents as an actor and his presence to make Scaramanga a worthy advisary to 007.  In fact, it's his admiration for 007 that gives Bond about the only advantage he has over The Man With the Golden Gun.

03.) Janus/Alec Trevelyan (GoldenEye) *

What makes Alec Trevelyan (who took the nom de guerre Janus) is that he knew Bond personally and professionally.  He knew what 007 would do because he used to be a 00 himself.  Janus was a mix of vengeance and greed, a Villain who wanted to if not take over the world destroy it, primarily as payback for what the British had done to him and his family.  Trevelyan, the model of British professionalism, was both traitor and avenger of his people.

Here is another case where actual actor can sell the premise.  Sean Bean didn't go crazy with his performance.  He showcased the anger seething against both Bond and the British in general, but he was willing to use his intelligence and inside knowledge to get his way.  As the weapon is about to come close to destroying London, Trevelyan's statement of "God Save the Queen" is remarkably chilling and frightening.

02.) Colonel Rosa Klebb (From Russia With Love)

Here again is how strong an imprint Lotte Lenya's character of Rosa Klebb is on the popular consciousness.  In the Austin Powers spoofs of Bond-like stories, think on the Frau Farbissina character.  It's obvious our dour, strict, fiercely masculine character is the figurative daughter of our Number 3.

Klebb is a frightening character: all business, fierce, intense, not afraid to stop at nothing to complete her tasks (even if at the end, she has to do it herself).  A lot of Colonel Klebb's character is suggested, and the suggestions are sometimes creepy.  In one scene, with our Bond Girl, it is hinted that she not only is a lesbian, but that she is also into S&M.  Lenya kept everything straight (no pun intended), never showing antything other than a total ruthlessness.  It's a credit to both Lenya and Klebb that when she appears with her infamous poisoned knife shoe, it becomes a real tense and exciting, even frightening moment, not a gimmick or something that causes laughter.

And the Greatest Bond Villain of All Time is...

01.) Auric Goldfinger (Goldfinger)

Yes, the Gold Standard of Bond Villains (pun intended). 

If one thinks on the Sean Connery Bond films, all of them (even those made after he 'retired' from the role, Diamonds Are Forever and Never Say Never Again) have 007 fighting SPECTRE in some way...with one exception.  Auric Goldfinger is the first Bond Villain who didn't work for SPECTRE.  Goldfinger was cold, cruel, but he also didn't have any plans for World Domination.  He was just a powerfully greedy man who was not afraid of using sides against the other.

Most important, he almost always was two steps ahead of almost everyone else.  When the raid of Fort Knox went wrong, who else but Goldfinger would have an American military uniform at the ready lest the Red Chinese found themselves under attack?  Goldfinger set the bar for every Bond Villain to come after in terms of how he/she came close to pulling off, in terms of the scheme itself, and in the threat he placed on Bond.  No other Bond Villain has a quote that comes close to echoing Goldfinger's famous retort to Bond's query of if Goldfinger expected Bond to talk.

"No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to DIE!"

Classic.

Well, I struggled mightily with this list, but the list for the Ten Worst Bond Villains was mercifully less of a struggle. So many presented themselves, it was almost too easy.

* Trevelyan was Bond's primary antagonist, but he had help from Russian General Ourumov.  It was a call as to which one was the actual Bond Villain, but since Ourumov appeared to be working for Trevelyan, I can't say Ourumov was the Bond Villain in GoldenEye.  I'd call him Trevelyan's junior partner, not close enough to be a Villain, not far enough to be a Henchman.

I Have A Hench About Them: Ten Worst Bond Henchmen

Well, while we've had some great Bond Henchmen, some of whom are remembered more than the Bond Villains, we've also had some simply awful sidekicks.  The Bond Henchman is not an easy job: you are expected to be colorful, dangerous, and eternally loyal to your Villain even if it flies against logic and your own interest. 

Sometimes, however, a peculiar quark or unique characteristic does not automatically insure greatness.  In fact, if exagerrated too much, those qualities make a Henchman look silly.  Some Bond Henchmen are more memorable than their employers.  Sometimes Bond Henchmen are so ineffective one wonders why they were hired in the first place.  And sometimes they are memorable, but for all the wrong reasons.

With that, I offer the Ten Worst Bond Henchmen.

10.) Gobinda (Octopussy)

I'm taking a guess that Gobinda, loyal aide to Prince Kamal Khan, is Sikh based on his turban and beard.  Maybe it's the Westerner in me, but I don't consider being a Sikh a unique quirk in any manner, let alone for a henchmen.  I like Octopussy, but what makes Gobinda a poor Bond Henchman is that he echoes a little routine that Oddjob pulled off better in Goldfinger (if you watch both you'll know what I am referring to) and he violates an Unwritten Rule of Bond Henchmen: He Questions Orders.

At the climax of Octopussy, Bond is on top of Kamal's plane and causing havoc.  Kamal Khan, frustrated that he can't make a clean getaway, orders Gobinda to get Bond (which means going out of an airplane in flight).  Gobinda then asks, "Out THERE?"  Kamal gives him a look of almost genuine shock (as if asking, 'you're questioning me?') and signals that he means yes.  Gobinda then meekly says, "Yes, Sire," and goes out.   And you call yourself a responsible Henchman...

09.) Zao (Die Another Day) *

Zao is a disastrous idea for a Bond Henchman.  It's the idea that if you give the muscle/killer a distinct or weird trademark you've got a good character.  In the case of Zao, it's a bad idea because having a face full of diamonds doesn't mean you'll actually do anything particularly special or interesting.  The Bond Henchmen who had oddities or quirks actually used them (Jaws' teeth, Tee Hee's claw), but having a face scarred with diamonds?  Boring.

Not only that, but for a Henchman he proved pretty inept, even wimpy.  He was going through bizarre plastic surgery that would have turned our North Korean into a Caucasian. There is nothing that recommends Zao to be worth our time, or a threat to Bond at all.

08.) Nick Nack (The Man With the Golden Gun)

It's not necessarily Nick Nack's height that puts him at the Bottom of Bond Henchmen (although, to be frank, being disposed of by being put in a suitcase doesn't exactly bolster a case for him being ranked among the Greats).  Nick Nack's problem is that HE is getting more fun out of the situations than anyone else.  You simply CANNOT have your Henchman wear a bowler hat and not expect better things. 

Nick Nack's main role in The Man With the Golden Gun is to put the titled character through the paces as he dispatches people in his lair.  When he is actually called to take action (as when Nick Nack tries to kill Bond himself) it all comes off as farce, more for laughs than anything else.  Besides, Nick Nack just seems like a bad idea: a gimmick to say, 'Look, we've got a unique Henchman.  He may not be a good killer, he may not be a supergenius...he's just short and manages to scare incredibly stupid women'.

 
07.) Whisper (Live and Let Die) **

What IS the only thing recommending Whisper as a Henchman?  It isn't his smarts, because he fails to kill Bond with a snake.  It isn't his loyalty (or smarts) because Kananga doesn't shrink from both threatening him and making him an object of ridicule by shooting at an inflatable chair Whisper's sitting on, causing him to be thrown off.

No, the only thing Whisper has is the fact that he is barely audible, and that isn't a great trait or something that will cause menace or danger.  Whisper, intentionally or not (I suspect it's the former) is a joke that no one, not even his employer, takes seriously.  What can you say in favor of a Henchman who is so soft-voiced that when he calls "Look out!" no one would possibly be able to hear his alarm?

  

06.) Mr. Kidd and Mr. Wint (Diamonds Are Forever) ***

I imagine that in the past, people could get away with far more than they can now in terms of stereotypes.  Mr. Kidd and Mr. Wint (or Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd if you like) were so silly no one could take them seriously (even if they were quite effective as actual killers).  It seems like Mr. Kidd and Mr. Wint (or vice-versa) were more on the comical side of things, with the fact that they were excessively courtly and polite towards each other.  They also would address each other as "Mr. Kidd" and "Mr. Wint" in what was suppose to be dry humor but which came off as idiotic.

The fact that you couldn't take them seriously with their exagerratedly formal manner of addressing each other (let alone others) was bad enough.  What really killed them off was the fact that it is strongly suggested that Mr. Kidd and Mr. Wint are homosexual lovers.  One, I imagine, would have found homophobia rather hilarious in the 1970s, but it doesn't make any sense and just looks vulgar now.  We see them walk away from killing people holding hands, and one expresses irritation when the other suggests a woman is attractive.  However, if they were having sex, why would they bother addressing each other by their surnames?  Their demise smacks of farce, bringing down two of the worst characters in the franchise, let alone Bond Henchmen. 

05.) Renard (The World is Not Enough) ****

You know what's bad about Renard?  Everything.  Simply everything.  We're told he has one of those distinctly Bondian Henchman quirks: he is impervious to pain due to a bullet being lodged in his brain.  This said bullet will also eventually kill him.  However, neither his inability to feel harm (though not necessarily his inability to BE harmed, two different things I'd argue) nor the fact that he's living on borrowed time is important in the great scheme of the movie.

Robert Carlyle is a great actor and has proven it again and again, from the comedy The Full Monty to the drama Priest to the series Once Upon a Time, but The World is Not Enough was clearly a Bartha role fo him.  What to make of a performance where you look at the Henchman and think...is this guy serious?  Who cares if he doesn't feel pain...it's irrelevant to the story.  Who cares if he's going to die...ditto.  Who cares what his issues are...ditto squared.

 
04.) Stamper (Tomorrow Never Dies)

Oh, I'm so scared of this goofy German.  This big Teutonic baddie that never does anything apart from killing unarmed sailors and who manages to make his employer look even more stupid. What makes Stamper simply dreadful is that he is totally irrelevant to the film. 

Think about it: when a major assassin is close to killing Bond, it isn't Stamper; it's Vincent Schiavelli's Dr. Kaufman.  Even worse, said bad doctor is a joke from beginning to end, as if Tomorrow Never Dies suddenly stopped in the middle of mourning a Secondary Bond Girl to slip into a spoof of bad henchmen.  Now, if it had been Stamper, he might have gone up a bit.  However, given how he just seemed to be there because every Bond Villain needs a Henchman, and a Germanic one seemed to be menacing enough for our little trifle, Stamper is a waste from first appearance to last.

03.) Chang (Moonraker)

How bad of a Henchman do you have if people fail to realize that not only are you suppose to be a Henchman, but are actually IN the film?  Pretty bad, and that's the case with Chang.  Just as Nick Nack was a poor imitation of Oddjob, so Chang proved to be an even poorer imitation.  Being a silent Asian does not make you menacing in and of itself. 

Chang's biggest problem is that he really didn't do anything: he could have been a master swordsman, he could have been a silent killer, but instead, his only accomplishment was that he appeared to be the only one who take Drax seriously.  When he finally comes face to face in a confrontation with Bond, Chang RUNS AWAY!  No wonder that after he was killed off, Drax looked in the Help Wanted ads to find another Henchman...one with real teeth. 

Chang had dominated the Number One spot for the longest of time, but wouldn't you know it, I found two even worse.

02.) Bull (The World Is Not Enough) ****

Who the hell IS this guy?  Where did he come from?  Mr. Bullion (or Bull) was suppose to be working for Bond's quasi-ally Zukovsky, but just as soon as we see him, he suddenly shifts sides to work for...well, we're not exactly sure for whom he works for, but then again, I imagine Bull himself doesn't know.

Just as quickly as he appears, he's killed off, and we certainly won't miss him.  There is no point to The Bull (or Bull, or whatever you want to call him), and the name is just too tempting to not serve as a description of both the character and the film...

So now, the Worst Bond Henchman of All Time Is...

01.) Elvis (Quantum of Solace)

Here's a question: does anybody remember the VILLAIN in Quantum of Solace, let alone the Henchman?  Here's another question: does it look like Elvis just left the monastery rather than the building?   Like other bad Henchmen,  he serves no purpose (even in something as abysmal as QOS).

Elvis (already the name sinks him) is suppose to be helping the Villain with his dastardly plan, which from what I understood was to steal Bolivia's water.  However, what exactly did Elvis do?  Did he kill anyone?  I don't think so.  Did he take on Bond personally?  Not to my memory.  Did he have a particular quirk or skill (apart from really silly hair bordering on DaVinci Code's Tom Hanks)?  No.  He was just there, doing nothing, adding nothing, and looking silly in the process. 

Well, now with that out of the way, let's move on to our Henchmen's employers.  Our next series will look at the Ten Best and Ten Worst Bond Villains.

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*  Due to the confused nature of Die Another Day, I found it difficult to distinguish whether Zao or Miranda Frost was the actual Bond Henchman.  However, given that Zao was the one more often than not at Graves' side and the one who appeared to do most of his Master's bidding, I opted for Zao being the more dominant Bond Henchman here, though Frost did make my list.

**  Whisper was one of three Henchmen in Live and Let Die.  The other two were Tee Hee and Baron Samedi.  I've always felt that Baron Samedi was more for atmosphere, and Tee Hee actually did pose a threat to Bond.  Whisper's only selling point was that he was barely audible, and his shocking ineptness didn't appear to affect his employment, which is another reason to discount him.

*** It's a point of debate whether the two female assassins/Willard Whyte bodyguards Bambi and Thumper were actual Bond Henchmen.  I would argue that they don't count because they were only in ONE scene and they didn't have much screen-time (I put it at five to eight minutes at the most), disappearing before their scene was even over.  Given that, and the fact that Mr. Kidd and Mr. Wint were the primary assassins in Diamonds Are Forever, they get the 'honor' of being this film's henchmen.

**** The World is Not Enough is even more confused than Die Another Day (and that's saying quite a lot).  It is never established whether Renard worked for Elektra King or vice-versa.  Therefore, the listing of Renard as the Bond Henchman is a point of legitimate debate.  However, since he does try to kill Bond at the end, he gets the title of Henchman.  Bull, who appears out of nowhere, appears to work for BOTH of them, so that puts him as a Bond Henchman as well.

I Have A Hench About Them: Ten Best Bond Henchmen

For every Auric Goldfinger, there is an Oddjob.  For every Hugo Drax, there is a Jaws.  The Bond Henchman (or Henchwoman) have been an integral part of a Bond film.  Sometimes the master criminal can't do it all, or get his hands dirty.  This is when he needs a bit of muscle.  At the very least, he needs someone with whom to discuss his dastardly plan for world domination. 

If I may draw a Doctor Who comparison (another British Icon), they are the Bond versions of the Doctor's Companions: those who assist our character in doing what needs to be done. 

Granted, one can't imagine Time Lord Romana going out and killing someone (although, curiously enough, the NuWho character of River Song would make a perfect Bond Henchman, given her tawdry double entendres, raging ego, inflated sense of infallibility, and generally psychopathic disposition) so it isn't the greatest comparison.  Still, sometimes the Bond Henchman is MORE remembered than the titled villain, so I think it's time we look at those sidekicks who have given 007 fits. 

With that, the Top Ten Bond Henchmen (and Henchwomen, though there are more men than women overall).

10.) Tee Hee (Live and Let Die) * 

Tee Hee is in keeping with the Bond Henchman in having a peculiarity, in his case, it's his claw.  What makes Tee Hee among the higher Bond Henchmen is that he was an active participant in Dr. Kananga's wicked plans, and he also enjoyed his work of dispensing with the detectives.  One could imagine he could easily have taken over Mr. Big's operation should he have either needed or wanted to.  Like all good Bond Henchman, he had a final confrontation with 007, and it was a tense and exciting moment, with a bit of humor as he's dispatched.

09.) Erich Kriegler (For Your Eyes Only)

For Your Eyes Only is a more grounded Bond film, having more to do with actual espionage than with grand 'taking over the world' schemes.  Kriegler had the benefit of being an expert sharpshooter, so he didn't need a peculiar quark to be menacing.   He also is someone actually ahead of his time: he eats healthy and is rigorous in exercise.  Perhaps the fact that he's East German accounts for him having no soul.

08.) Necros (The Living Daylights)

Necros gets extra points on his name alone...the guy's name is DEATH!  You can't hand a Bond Henchman a cooler name than that.  He also earns a place here because he uses his brains as well as his physique to kill.  Note how he is able to infiltrate MI6's country headquarters by impersonating the MILKMAN!  His final confrontation with Bond on a plane while both are hanging on to dear life over Afghanistan is quite a thrilling moment.

Besides, any guy who listens to The Pretenders while readying to kill someone can't be all bad.

07.) May Day (A View to A Kill)

Seriously, just LOOK at her.  Would you REALLY want to mess with May Day?  Like all good Bond Henchmen, May Day is fiercely loyal to her Villain (and there's even a romance between them that adds something not often seen between Villain and Henchman).  May Day (whose name alone would have put her high on a Bond Henchman list) does what needs to be done.  If it means killing kindly Patrick Macnee, she'll do it.  If it means a little rough sex with Bond, she'll do it.

She also is loyal to the mission.  Let's remember she was more than willing to let the bomb go off that would have destroyed Silicon Valley.  If Max Zorin (the film's villain) hadn't deliberately tried to kill her along with everyone else, he might have gotten away with it.  His betrayal (and the loss of her own friends) so infuriated May Day she quickly switched sides, ending as a hero.  However, we remember May Day for her fierce, Amazonian temperament, not her ultimate sacrifice.

06.) Miss Irma Bunt (On Her Majesty's Secret Service)

Let's see.  Irma Bunt manages to outsmart and capture James Bond.  When she captures him, her appearance frightens everyone in the audience.  Instead of one of the bevy of beauties Bond's bedhopping with, THAT pops out at us.
Who WOULDN'T be scared?  Besides, since when is a dour German woman NOT scary (just ask the Greeks)? 

Oh, yes, and there's that little matter of killing off Bond's only true love.  That alone would rank her among the best Bond Henchmen, but a combination of smarts and ruthlessness earn Irma Bunt her place.  Maybe she is a little derivative of another dour, frightening, domineering woman from another film, but again, she killed Mrs. Bond!

05.) Xenia Onatopp (GoldenEye)

The mixing of sex and violence reached a wild crescendo with our mad Georgian beauty Onatopp.  She had a wildly memorable name, but let's remember that she wasn't just a trained killer.  She was one that got actual sexual pleasure from wholesale slaughter, finding mass murder an erotic situation.  For Onatopp, killing wasn't just a job or even a hobby that paid; it was orgasmic.  When she IS finally dispatched, it seems almost anti-climatic (no pun intended). 

It's a sign of Famke Janssen's talents as an actress that she could easily go from the psychotic/erotic Xenia to the emotionally tortured Jean Grey in the X-Men films with equal ease.

04.) Fiona Volpe (Thunderball)

You know your film is in trouble when you're rooting for the Bond Henchman rather than the Bond Girl.  I'm not a big fan of Thunderball, but I was wildly impressed with Fiona Volpe.  She is the first Bond Henchwoman, and from the moment she appears we know that she is a force to be reckoned with.  Volpe is not above using her feminine wiles to get at her target, but she won't easily submit to Largo's plans either.  In many ways, Volpe is if not exactly a female Bond a female exaggeration of Bond.  Like 007, she'll sleep with the enemy.  Like 007, she is determined and succeeds in her dirty business.  Unlike Bond, she doesn't survive, and has one of the worst endings in the franchise, a sorry way to dump a fine Bond Girl/Henchman.

 

03.) Jaws (The Spy Who Loved Me/Moonraker)

Jaws is unique among Bond Henchmen.  He is not only the only Bond Henchman to battle Bond twice, he's the only Bond Henchman to have survived ANY battle with 007, let alone TWO of them.  Jaws, from what I understand, was suppose to follow in the footsteps of all other quirky Henchmen by dying at the end of The Spy Who Loved Me.  However, he proved so menacing, effective, and oddly endearing that he was allowed to swim away from the exploding underwater to fight another day...

...which he did in the next Bond film, Moonraker.  In between films the character proved wildly popular, in particular with children, who probably saw a gentle giant who really was more child than monster.  An appeal by kids to make Jaws a 'good guy/ally to Bond' caused a shift to the character.  By the end of Moonraker, Jaws had indeed shifted alliances, and while the film took pains to give a reason as to why he did so the wisdom of this is still a subject of debate.  Jaws succeeds because there is something both menacing and comical about our Henchman, part killer and part clown.

   

02.) Oddjob (Goldfinger)

Oddjob is the Bond Henchmen most people automatically think of when the term "Bond Henchmen" is used.  He certainly set a high standard: he didn't speak, was fiercely loyal to Auric Goldfinger, and always made it known that he would kill anyone who got in the way.  In other hands, the bowler hat that would slice one open would be laughed at, but with his massive size no one ever thought of taking Oddjob alone, let alone not take him seriously.

How loyal was he to both Goldfinger and his mad scheme?  When he's trapped with a bomb about to go off inside Fort Knox, does he waver?  Does he help Bond get out of it?  Does he try to get out of it himself?  Not on your life...he's going to keep fighting Bond until the bitter end.  Through it all, Oddjob keeps a cool confidence, almost arrogance.  It isn't until Bond gets a hold of Oddjob's deadly headgarb that he exhibits his first real moment of genuine fear.  His end is while not overblown (no pun intended) more befitting a menace like Oddjob.

And now, the choice for the Best Bond Henchman of All Time is...

01.) Red Grant (From Russia With Love)

Of all the various assassins James Bond has faced, none has come as close to both outsmarting and actually succeeding in killing 007 as SPECTRE trained assassin Red Grant.  It helps when you cast an actual, legitimate, theatrically trained actor in the part, and while Robert Shaw is better remembered for Jaws or A Man For All Seasons, he shows a great range with this role. 

Red Grant is a killer par excellence: no compulsion, no qualms, no pesky sense of right and wrong.  He's also highly intelligent, practicing his method to fool Bond into thinking he is with MI6 when he's really SPECTRE.  He is ruthless, determined, and perhaps most deadly of all to our agent, he's British.  There is nothing 'foreign' or exotic or bizarre about Red Grant, which makes his subterfuge all the more convincing and dangerous. 

Red Grant really is an amalgamation of all the best qualities of a Bond Henchman rolled into one, which is why I rank him The Greatest Bond Henchman in Bond Film History. 

Now, we all have memories of those who just don't pull their weight at work.  Well, Bond Henchmen are no different.  Some of them simply weren't worth the efforts to recruit into the forces of evil.  On our next List, I'll look into the Ten Worst Bond Henchmen. 

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* Tee Hee was not the only Henchman in Live and Let Die.  He was accompanied by two others: Baron Samedi and Whisper.  However, of the three Tee Hee was the one that took the most active role.  Baron Samedi was more for atmosphere: a colorful figure that brought in the voodoo connection, while Whisper just worked for Dr. Kananga and didn't have a particularly large role, but more on that later. 

Spy Song: The Ten Worst Bond Themes

All right, hold on tight now.  It's down, down to the wire.  Set your hopes up way to high.  Living's in the way we die.

That was from a-Ha's theme to The Living Daylights, which I had named one of the Ten Best Bond Songs.  Now I turn to the other side, the Ten Worst Bond Songs. It is inevitable that with 23 films (24 if like me you count the unofficial Never Say Never Again), the title songs wouldn't always be brilliant.  These ten songs have fans and defenders, but since I don't judge by the artist but by how the song works in terms of whether it fits into the story, whether it is memorable, and whether it is good, I think I can make my assessment with a certain sense of security.

It looks like there is a common denominator when it comes to bad Bond Songs: they all try to out-Bassey Shirley Bassey.   Dame Shirley can be romantic and be full-force, moving easily from the lush romanticism of Moonraker to the power of Goldfinger.  Most other singers (in particular the ones on our list) can't make that shift or make it as easily as Bassey.  Instead, they try to channel Bassey (usually, but not always the romantic Bassey) instead of being true to their own voice. 

That unfortunately lessens the song and the singer.  They come off as knock-offs of Dame Shirley and poor versions of themselves.  It also sadly reminds us OF Bassey's renditions of other Bond Songs, which is even worse.  My advise to all future Bond Song singers: To Thine Self Be True.  Don't copy or try to out-belt or out-coo Shirley Bassey.  It will never work.  The best Bond Songs come from those who sing the songs in THEIR way, not in someone else's way.  The worst, sadly, try to do impersonations (usually of Shirley Bassey) and tend to fall on their faces.  Yes, Shirley Bassey set the bar high up, but if you do your own thing, you will be among the best.    

With that, let's begin our countdown, from 10 to 1, for the Ten Worst Bond Songs.

10.) All Time High (Octopussy)
       Sung by: Rita Coolidge

Now, I have to start by saying that I personally like All Time High and I love Octopussy.   It's a nice song.  Having said that, I do think that it's in my worst by default: it just landed there because so many other songs were better, both as songs in and of themselves and as Bond Songs in particular.

When I hear All Time High, the song itself is pleasant and I think well-sung.  It just doesn't say "THIS is a Bond Song".  What it says is that it's a nice, soft pop song that is virtually indistinguishable from any mid-80s soft, pop song from the 80s.  Again, not a terrible song (at least to me), just not a great song, and certainly not a Bond Song.

09.) You Only Live Twice (You Only Live Twice)
        Sung by: Nancy Sinatra

Again, I don't think You Only Live Twice is a horrible song.  Far from it: it's nice, pleasant, and there's nothing wrong with that.  It even manages to work in some vaguely Oriental sounds to match the Japanese setting.

Therefore, why then is You Only Live Twice in my Bottom Ten?  Is this another by default case? Partly.  The other part is that its very lush nature always appears at odds with the chaos of ending SPECTRE's reign of terror, revenge, and extortion.  Not to mention that for me, it's a little TOO much on the romantic side.  The very Asian-like melody that fits You Only Live Twice isn't something that I thrill to.  Is it playing with Asian music or copying it or even ridiculing it?  This is not a song I hate, just not one that I particularly care for.

08.) Thunderball (Thunderball)
       Sung by: Tom Jones

It looks like the Bond producers thought, 'who is the male version of Shirley Bassey?'  Their conclusion was Tom Jones.  Nothing against Tom Jones: he can sing.  However, while the previous choices are ones that I like/don't hate but don't think are all that good, Thunderball is the first one on this list that I actually dislike.

It would have been difficult for ANYONE to match or equal Bassey's rendition of Goldfinger, so Jones had his work cut out for him.  He gave it his best shot: holding the last note of 'thun-der-BALL' as long as he could, but I can never get away from thinking it's not only wildly exaggerated but far too bombastic.  This idea of having to overblow the Bond Songs, I think, originated with Thunderball.  I've listened to it over and over again, hoping to change my mind.  I haven't: it still sounds WAY too big.   

07.) Licence to Kill (Licence to Kill)
       Sung by Gladys Knight

Can we talk 'overblown'?  Again, nothing against Gladys Knight: she's an icon, a legend, and a great singer.  However, the song itself is SO OVERWROUGHT with emotion that it veers towards parody.  I find it so over-the-top with its "I love you more than anyone" message that I'm honestly surprised more people don't just start laughing at its emotionalism.  Moreover, I find the lyrics rather silly. "Got a licence to kill/and you know I'm going straight for your heart".  I can't understand what that means. That sounds like a threat, not a promise of love. 

Licence to Kill has two other problems apart from weak lyrics.  At close to five minutes, it's the longest Bond Song (unnecessarily so) and it also has Knight's at times perplexing delivery.  Having heard it many times (both for myself and as part of the film), I always, ALWAYS, hear her say, "Got a licence to HIT", which makes it unintentionally hilarious.  Some people have told me they hear her say, "Got a licence to HEAL", which is even more laughable.   It's bad enough when you have poor lyrics, but even worse when the lyrics people hear make the song sound ridiculous.

06.)  The World is Not Enough (The World is Not Enough)
         Sung by: Garbage

Listening to The World is Not Enough, I think it does its best to sound like what people think a Bond Song should sound like: romantic, and a bit bombastic (that Thunderball legacy again).  I don't hate the song, or at least as much as I used to. 

My beef with The World is Not Enough is that it simply isn't a memorable one.  It sounds a bit too slow, as if trying to fit a bit too hard into our Bond Song expectations rather than be true to Garbage's own sound.  It might have worked better if Shirley Manson & Company had been allowed to rock more, be harder in their sound rather than tone it down to go for a more romantic mood.  Still, I DO love when she says, "The World is NOT Enough...".  It's just about everything else that I don't get excited about.

05.) Tomorrow Never Dies (Tomorrow Never Dies)
       Sung by: Sheryl Crow

I love Sheryl Crow.   She is a great singer/songwriter, and I imagine that if Tomorrow Never Dies had been sung by someone else (say, a Shirley Bassey or even an Adele), it might have worked better.  Unfortunately, it was Crow herself who cooed at us, and that is where our problems begin.

Crow is more a rock voice than a ballad voice.  I'm sure she can do soft-tempo songs (sorry, never been to any of her concerts), but like Garbage's The World is Not Enough, whenever one singer tries to sing in the style of another, it just sounds wrong in so many ways.  Crow CAN sing; she just can't sing like Bassey (though she gave it her damnest try).  Making Tomorrow Never Dies a more disastrous choice is in knowing that k.d. lang's Surrender (Tomorrow Never Dies), heard at the closing credits, is a much better song. 

04.) Never Say Never Again (Never Say Never Again)
       Sung by: Lani Hall

Now, I'm aware that Never Say Never Again is not an official Bond Film, so therefore, should I count it at all in any Bond retrospective?  Well, since I already have it seems a bit of a moot point.  What surprised me about Never Say Never Again is that once I did like it.  Once.  Now, after listening to Never Say Never Again, I find it amazingly boring.  If one removed the lyrics, one could imagine listening to this while in an elevator. 

What ruins Never Say Never Again is that it is badly integrated into the opening.  While all the official Bond songs had great opening titles that the song complimented, Never Say Never Again is the only Bond film to have what is a supposedly romantic song play while Bond is killing people left right and center.  It just looks awful.  It's amazing no one involved in NSNA stopped to say, "Does this just look weird...Lani Hall singing a love song to the sight of people getting strangled and blown up?"

03.) The Man With the Golden Gun (The Man With the Golden Gun)
        Sung by: Lulu

The Man With the Golden Gun is a pretty bad experience.  It has a bad Bond Girl.  It has a bad henchman.  It has a bad returning character (what EXACTLY IS Sheriff Culpepper doing in Thailand?).  And guess what?  It has a bad Bond Song.

After the great success of Live and Let Die, they opted to amp up the energy with another big song.  However, minus the instrumental aspect (which isn't all that bad) almost everything that could go wrong did.  First, they had Lulu try to be big a la Bassey.  It didn't work.  Lulu's a great singer (hear To Sir With Love).  However, she had to be herself, not a pale copy.

It had some abysmal lyrics: "Love is required/whenever he's hired/It comes just before the kill".  What the hell does THAT mean?  You have to sleep with the Man With the Golden Gun before he kills someone for you?  Even worse, the slow part had the following lines: "His eye may be/On you or me/Will he bang/We shall see".  Lulu it appears was instructed to draw as much sexual connotation out of the word "bang" as possible, which just makes it unintentionally hilarious.     

Poor Lulu.  She just never had a chance.   

         
02.) Die Another Day (Die Another Day)
       Sung by: Madonna

Dear Madge, thank you for your contribution of the title song to Die Another Day.  We realize that since you've deluded yourself into thinking you are actually British (as opposed to being from Detroit), you think you have an inside knowledge of one of our great cultural icons (hope that gig of you being a Doctor Who monster works out for you). I'm sure you were thinking that what James Bond needs is to have a hit club song, one that is ready-made for remixes.  If that was your goal, well you still didn't quite hit the mark.

Die Another Day is appropriately robotic in both melody and vocals, as you Auto-Tune your voice to fit a staccato delivery to shockingly inane lyrics.  "I'm gonna wake up/Yes and No".  Well, which one, dear?  Furthermore, you keep telling us what you're "gonna" do, but what you didn't do was write a good song, let alone a good Bond Song.  We're still trying to figure out what part you're "gonna" kiss.  Also, we're not sure how to tell you this, but when you coo "Sigmund Freud/Analyze THIS", you can't really say you're "gonna avoid/the cliche" because telling Freud to 'analyze this' IS a cliche.  Finally, you sound like a robot.  Repeating the last lyrics isn't a sign of genius (real or self-proclaimed).  However, we wish you the best of luck in your goal of destroying your ego (a monumental task).

Sincerely, All Bond Fans.

01.)  Another Way to Die (Quantum of Solace)
        Sung by: Jack White and Alicia Keys

Another Way to Die disproves the idea that two heads are better than one. The first and so far only duet in Bond Song history was a total mishmash between White's grungy style and Keys more soft R&B influenced interpretation.  I however, can't blame the dual voices for simply the worst Bond Song.

Another Way to Die is a song in desperate search of a melody.  It goes all over the place.  Its lyrics are awful.  The song is not remembered at all, and it never fit to the images of the title sequence.  Even worse, Another Way to Die was selected over two better submissions.  The first, No Good About Goodbye, was sung by Dame Shirley Bassey, and I'll grant that it might sound a little old fashioned, but it still works as a good song.  The second, Forever (I Am All Yours) managed to actually work the line 'quantum of solace' into the lyrics flawlessly, and even better, sounded contemporary and both romantic and urgent.  Why Another Way to Die was ultimately selected is not just a mystery, but a total disaster.

However, given that Quantum of Solace itself is an absolute disaster (my friend Fidel Gomez, Jr.--who may or may not be dead--called it when he said QOS was the worst Bond film he'd ever seen) Another Way to Die is the perfect song for the film: chaotic, confused, ugly, boring, and hideous in just about every way imaginable except for the closing credits...which signal that the nightmare is finally over.

There it is: the Ten Worst Bond Songs.  Next time, the Ten Best and Ten Worst Bond Henchmen.

James Bond (Lists) Will Return...