No Time to Die: A Review (Review #1540)

 

NO TIME TO DIE

Surprisingly, No Time to Die seems almost a misnomer, as at nearly three hours and several delays, there seemed to be plenty of time to die. The twenty-fifth entry in the James Bond franchise also marks the farewell for actor Daniel Craig in the role. I confess to finding the Craig Era Bond films a series of horrors. Apart from Casino Royale, I have hated every film our dour 007 has been in. 

Sadly, No Time to Die has not shifted my view on this era.

James Bond (Daniel Craig) has retired from MI6 with his new lady-love, Madeleine Swann (Lea Seydoux). Madeline, however, has a secret: she is the daughter of a criminal mastermind employed by SPECTER. As a child, she witnesses her mother's killing at the hand of a Noh-masked villain. Said Noh-masked villain decides to save her from drowning in the ice rather than take his Madame Defarge-like revenge on the family.

Five years after James and Madeline separate for their own protection, a Russian scientist is kidnapped in a daring raid on a lab. He was involved in Project Heracles, a way to weaponize nanobots to target specific people for assassination via a virus. The virus would kill the intended target but not harm others with the target's DNA. James is asked by his CIA counterpart Felix Leiter (Jeffrey Wright) to help him find the scientist. Bond at first declines, but is lured back due to Nomi (Lashana Lynch), the new 007.

Soon, Bond is bouncing from Cuba where he works with "novice" CIA agent Paloma (Ana de Armas) and survives an assassination plot and back to Britain, where with a little help from Q (Ben Whishaw) and Miss Moneypenny (Naomie Harris) he reencounters his nemesis, Blofeld (Christoph Waltz).

That, however, is not the end of things, as the real villain soon emerges from the shadow: Lyutsifer Safin (Rami Malek), the man who killed Madeleine's parents and now has set his eyes on Bond, Madeleine and Madeleine's daughter (who is curiously enough five years old).

It's a race to Safin's lair, where Bond must both stop Safin's dastardly scheme and rescue his two Bond Girls. It's a mission where not everyone survives.

I don't know whether this is important or not, but it takes approximately half an hour for the title theme to play. That means that the both the introduction to Madeleine's childhood and her relationship with Bond takes up a good chuck of time. My view is that all that could have been wrapped up in ten minutes at the most. Worse, I found that the post-opening theme scene would have worked better as the action-packed pre-credit scene than the very long one we ended up with.

That is one of No Time to Die's greatest flaws: there is simply no reason for this film to be nearly three hours long. For comparison, the action films F9, Godzilla vs. Kong, Black Widow and Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Seven Rings all have shorter running times. Even the epic remake of Dune is shorter.

There is a bloat to No Time to Die, where entire scenes could have been trimmed or cut altogether. Everything involving Blofeld himself could have been cut, Bond and Moneypenny crashing Q's Grindr meetup could have been cut, a lot of Lyutsifer could have been cut, a lot of Madeleine's child and childhood could have been cut. 

No Time to Die is also in some ways totally predictable: anyone here shocked at Logan's true nature simply has never seen a movie. I pegged him from the word go.

At times No Time to Die inadvertently slips into farce. Leister's end made me wonder why Bond didn't say "I'll never let go, Felix! I promise!". The meeting between Blofeld and Bond is so theatrical that I was genuinely surprised Blofeld didn't look at Bond and say, "Hello, Clarice". It certainly would have shown a bit of humor in a franchise that has swung too far the opposite direction from the jokey Roger Moore Era to the dour Daniel Craig Era. 

As a side note, the few times No Time to Die threw in some effort at humor, it fell so flat it was more sad than funny.

It's a terrible thing when the Bond Villain is pointless, but No Time to Die has perhaps the worst Bond Villain of All Time. Even the somewhat campy Drax from Moonraker had more of a motivation than Lyutsifer Safin. Blofeld's drag act in Diamonds Are Forever is more frightening than Malek's "let me whisper everything to show how evil I am" performance. 

As a side note, is it just me or is the name "Lyutsifer Safin", silly as it already is, meant to echo "Lucifer Satan"?

Malek went all-in on trying to be menacing by whispering his dialogue and camping it up with a vengeance, but what his exact plan was is hazy at best. Moreover, the idea that he was the killer from the opening scene is idiotic. Malek is only four years older than Seydoux, so if Madeleine was say seven, that would make Safin eleven versus the grown man he was at the start. If we then go into her current age of 36, we'd have to have Lyutsifer Safin be around 70 to make any of this plausible. It's all so laughably stupid to stretch believability that much.

Seydoux was totally blank as Madeleine, so much so I did briefly wondered if she was literally drugged. Waltz was apparently having a hoot camping it up to the Nth degree in this cash grab. Lynch seems more angry/irritated than anything else as the new 007, but I give the film credit for making this a case of having one's cake and eating it too. The only real highlight was de Armas' Paloma, even if it is a stretch to make her a novice agent who can take down people better than John Wick, but there it is.

Those fearing No Time to Die would go all woke (Black Female Bond! Gay Q!) can rest a little easy in that the former has both a logical explanation and the latter is barely touched on. To be fair, I wasn't aware anyone genuinely cared about Q's sex life, but there it is.

Turning to Billie Eilish's No Time to Die, I have heard it again and again and I do think well of it after repeated listening. It is far more in Eilish's mumbling manner (the first time I could barely make out what she was singing) but No Time to Die has grown on me to think it a midlevel Bond Theme. Not as horrible as Spectre's Writing's on the Wall but nowhere near the brilliance of the title theme to Goldfinger, No Time to Die fits to the somber tone of No Time to Die.

 

Eilish will no doubt be nominated if not win Best Original Song for No Time to Die, keeping the tradition of rewarding bad/weak Bond Themes (anyone who can make sense of Adele's lyrics for Skyfall earns a thousand dollars), but No Time to Die is probably the second-best Craig Era Bond Theme. 

I found No Time to Die dull, blank, bloated and dour. In short, a typical Daniel Craig Era Bond Film. 

DECISION: D-

Spectre: A Review (Review #755)

SPECTRE

Making A SPECTRE Of Himself...

I simply cannot help it. I cannot claim to be an 'analytical critic' like my bete noire Kyle Anderson (despite any hard evidence of him being either analytical or critical).  I claim only to be an honest one.   As such, I say Spectre, the newest James Bond film, is dull, long, predictable, boring, drowning in dourness, and at certain points downright idiotic.

James Bond 007 (Daniel Crab...I mean, Craig) is in Mexico City during the Dia de los Muertos (Day of the Dead) celebrations tracking down an assassin.  This is without the authorization of M (Ralph Fiennes), who is under a great deal of pressure to keep the 00 Program going.  Max Denbigh (Andrew Scott), the Joint Intelligence head, wants to merge MI5 and MI6 and dump the 00 Program (a particular fixation for the man Bond nicknames "C", a nickname that sticks with everyone).

Well, Miss Moneypenny (Naomie Harris) and Q (Ben Whishaw) are essentially roped into putting their careers at risk to help Bond, whom M has ordered to stand down, by helping him track down the meaning of the cryptic message given Bond by the late M (Judi Dench).  She asks from beyond the grave for Bond to attend the funeral of the man she sent Bond to kill in the case of her own unhappy end (which came about in Skyfall).  At the funeral, he finds and screws his victim's widow, Lucia (Monica Bellucci).  She tells him her husband was part of a secret organization, which is having a meeting that night.

Bond manages to get in, where the mysterious head recognizes Bond and both escape each other.  M is worried that news from Rome about a car plunging into the Tiber is Bond, but Q (who had installed a tracker on 007) assures him Bond is not in Rome (in other words, he lied). C, however, is irritated when his Nine Eyes Program is voted down by the South African delegation, as all nations involved must make it unanimous.

Bond now searches for Mr. White, who has information on this shadowy group.  Mr. White is dying, but he tells Bond of his daughter, who knows something.  He finds her, now going by Dr. Madeline Swann (Lea Seydoux).  At first, she wants nothing to do with Bond or her father, but when she's abducted Bond has to rescue her, especially from the henchman I had dubbed "Silvertips" (due to what looked like silver thumbnails) but who I found out is called Hinx (former pro wrestler Dave Bautista).  They go next to Tangiers to follow the cryptic clue of Mr. White, find papers, photos and maps that take them to some base in the desert (where on route they are attacked by Hinx and then get sexy time).

They finally come face-to-face with Franz Oberhauser (Christoph Waltz), who actually knew Bond as a child.  Oberhauser's father had given little Jimmy skiing lessons after the death of the Bonds, and had asked Franz to see him as a little brother.  Franz, jealous of the attention, killed his father in an avalanche and faked his own death too.

He now goes by a new name: Ernst Stravo Blofeld!

Blofeld tells Bond he created Spectre, he had organized the misery in Bond's life, and that C worked for him.  Bond escapes, Swann is recaptured, and the loyal MI6 officers must help Bond to stop Blofeld/C from taking over all the world's security systems.

Guess Who?

It's a pity that the last James Bond film I actually liked was Casino Royale.  Everything after: Quantum of Solace, Skyfall, and now Spectre, have been exercises in disappointment.  At least Skyfall was at least pretty to look at.  Spectre doesn't even have that.  Skyfall has a pretty (though overrated) theme song.  Spectre doesn't even have that.

Spectre's theme, The Writing's On the Wall, is not awful.  It's pretty enough, and Sam Smith's falsetto expresses his usual "I'm lonely and in need of love" theme that he hits again and again.  However, how exactly it fits into a Bond film or the story (such as it is) of Spectre neither song or film say.  During the credit scenes, I could have sworn Bond was indulging with an octopus (my friend, Fidel Gomez, Jr., thinks it was the Bond Girl who was getting it on with the octopus).

Ultimately though, I can't picture The Writing's On the Wall being among the great Bond Themes. Nothing about it says "BOND".  Also, like with Skyfall, the lyrics are inept ("glass" and "past" are not rhymes.  Yes, I can see it took Smith and his cowriter Jimmy Napes 20 minutes to put this song together...and as much as I may think it would be nutty, I wouldn't put it past the Academy to throw a Best Original Song nomination to this bit of fluff.

They did it for Skyfall...

Dead Can Dance...

The fact that The Writing's On the Wall isn't great is the least of Spectre's problems.  Spectre is boring, just plain boring.  Craig is surprisingly willing to add bits of humor into his performance (though the overall comic elements, like the 'Elements" button for the new car ending up being music for 009's enjoyment seems so out of place in what is suppose to be a tense chase scene).  Apart from that, I can't believe Craig's Bond would find any interest in anything, nihilist to his hollow core.  Craig looked bored, even uncomfortable, trying for these bits of humor, and still can't convince me he as Bond would enjoy the company of any beautiful woman (the seduction of Lucia coming across as rote and Swann's as bizarre...seeing as it came right after he and Swann were nearly killed on the train by Hinx).

Scott is playing C as so obviously a villain I put down in my notes right after he appeared "Max=C is inside man for Spectre".  It was so obvious that C was involved in Spectre's plans that I was surprised no one thought of it sooner.  Waltz was camping it up as the monologue-spouting, pussy-petting, Nehru jacket-wearing "Not Blofeld".  Again, it was obvious Waltz was Blofeld.

What wasn't obvious but downright laughable was "Not Blofeld's" motivation.  He created the SPecial Executive for Counter-intelligence, Terrorism, Revenge, and Extortion...because his Daddy bonded with the orphan Bond?!  Is that serious?  Are we to believe this massive criminal organization was birthed as a result of a pouty German boy's jealousy?  It's like saying The Joker became a criminal because his father liked Bruce Wayne more.

The whole "Dad Liked You Best, So I'm Going to Become A Criminal Mastermind Because You're So Obviously Going to Become a Secret Agent and I'm Going to Stalk You at Every Turn" story is so downright patently stupid that it's more amazing it took four men to come up with it (John Logan, Neil Purvis, Robert Wade, and Jez Butterworth).  I know they were trying to find a new and unique way to introduce one of THE Bond villains, but this is just such a silly and illogical plot. 

I kept wondering why James Bond couldn't apparently remember his 'big brother' or the father-figure who died in a skiing accident.  Guess Bond is less caring than I gave him credit for.

Seydoux is one of the most boring and bored Bond Girls in memory, a blank expression most of the time (the other times, mildly contemptuous of the proceedings).  She didn't do much in terms of plot apart from both managing to help Bond beat Hinx on what I took to be a literally empty train and get held prisoner.  Bautista was a non-entity as the mostly silent Hinx.

The best descriptions for Spectre are 'dour', 'rote', 'unenthusiastic' (apart from the opening scene in Mexico City every action piece was boring and lacked any sense of tension). Spectre doesn't know what it is: an homage to Bonds of the past?  A continuation of the other (mostly crappy) Craig-era Bond films? An odd mix of the two?  Mindless entertainment (with 'mindless' being the operative word)?

The Writing's On the Wall all right...Spectre just flat-out stunk.               

DECISION: D-

Next Bond Film: No Time to Die

The Lady Doesn't Always Get Her Man: The Five Best & Worst Secondary Bond Girls

It has been a long time since I posted anything related to my James Bond Retrospective, but now I am ready to return. 

Before I go into my Best and Worst Bond Film, I thought I'd stop to cover a category sometimes overlooked.  I've done the Best Bond Girls.

Let me rephrase that.  I've made a list of the Ten Best and Worst Bond Girls.

I have compiled a ranking of the Ten Best Bond Villains, along with the Worst Bond Villains.

Same for The Ten Best and Worst Bond Henchmen.

I also have the Ten Best and Ten Worst Bond Songs.

However, when I was going over the Bond Girls while working on my retrospective, I found that there really were two types of Bond Girls: The Primary and the Secondary Bond Girls. 

The main difference is that the Primary Bond Girl is the one that 007 ends up with before the closing credits, while the Secondary Bond Girl usually (but not always) does not live to 'die another day'.  She is somewhat disposable, serving the British Secret Agent with, to quote Octopussy's All Time High, 'a sweet distraction for an hour or two'. 

However, it is time to give them their due.  Sadly, I counted only 16 Secondary Bond Girls, so I can't make a Ten Best and Worst List.  However, I would like to take this opportunity to rank the Top Five Best and Worst Secondary Bond Girls.  Let's start with our Top Five.

Number 5
Lupe Lamora (License to Kill)

One of the few Secondary Bond Girls to live to the closing credits, Lupe Lamora (Talisa Soto) appeared to be a victim of Franz Sanchez.  Side note, Lamora sounds very close to "L'Amour" (The Love), does it not?  However, she was brave enough to face her fear and work with 007 to bring him down.  She was also a very kind person, beautiful, and appeared to have genuine feelings for James Bond.  As such, she could easily have been the Primary Bond Girl if not for another equally great Bond Girl in Carey Lowell's Pam Bouvier.  License to Kill suggests Lupe ends up as the First Lady.  Overall, not bad.

Number 4
Aki (You Only Live Twice)

I found You Only Live Twice a terrible disappointment (any film that attempts to convince me that 6'2" Scotsman Sean Connery could possibly pass for Japanese is already cause for embarrassment).  However, one of the few bright spots was Akiko Watabayashi as Aki, Japanese agent.   She was smart and brave and capable of handling 007, and if she had remained with him until the end she would have ranked among the Best Bond Girls.  However, Roald Dahl decided he needed to stick to formula and kill off the first woman James slept with, so Aki got knocked off, and in the most idiotic way.  A Killer SPIDER?  In exchange for the active, intelligent Aki, we got Kissy Suzuki, who did nothing in YOLT except run around in a skimpy bikini and show herself as a dim, subservient Japanese woman.  Stereotypes galore!  Kissy was dreadful overall, but to put her in the place of a better woman is all but unforgivable.

Number 3
Magda (Octopussy)

 

Another Secondary Bond Girl who was allowed to live.  Octopussy is much derided, and I will grant that there are some groan-inducing moments in it.   However, I found it quite enjoyable on the whole, but that is for another time.  One thing that I enjoyed was Kristina Wayborn as Magda, Octopussy's second-in-command.  A master criminal, she was loyal to her mistress.  She is also smart, beautiful, and capable of not just defending herself, but leading a daring raid to rescue Octopussy.  She charmed Bond and she was a knockout in anything she wore: business clothes, as mistress of ceremonies at Octopussy's Circus, or a sari (especially when she descends from the hotel balcony...a mesmerizing sight).  Unlike other Secondary Bond Girls, Magda played a major part in the story, which elevates her above so many others who have died after a romp with 007.

Number 2
Sylvia Trench (Dr. No and
From Russia With Love)

Sylvia Trench gets high marks as one of the few Bond Girls (Primary or Secondary) who managed a return appearance (and as far as we know, one who lived to tell the tale).  When the James Bond franchise was starting up, it was figured that Eunice Gayson's character would be recurring, the woman who waited while 007 played with a bevy of beauties.  She disappeared without explanation after From Russia With Love, but in many ways she was something of a mirror image to Bond.  She was beautiful, glamorous, and sophisticated.  She also earns a high place because she was the one that allowed the secret agent man to utter one of the great lines in film history.  She introduced herself as, "Trench.  Sylvia Trench."  Any guesses as to how 007 responded when asked for HIS name?

Number 1
Jill Masterson (Goldfinger)

She was probably on screen for less than ten minutes.  Yet Shirley Eaton's Jill Masterson has become iconic.  In that brief time she became the model of the beautiful and doomed Bond Girl.  She was lovely and seductive and vivacious, but when she was murdered it was both tragic and unforgettable, an iconic image from a brilliant film.  Even those who have never seen either Goldfinger or any Bond film recognize the beautiful woman covered all in gold.  Shocking yet iconic, the image of Jill Masterson in beautiful but deadly repose is an image no one will ever forget...

However, not every Secondary Bond Girl has earned such legendary status.  Some are so bad one is almost cheering for them to end up dead.  Some are not horrible, but are on screen so briefly one wonders why they showed up at all.  Now, let us turn to the Bottom Five Secondary Bond Girls.

Number 5
Miranda Frost (Die Another Day)

Die Another Day is a mess of a movie.  Its story is laughable, its performances embarrassing, its plot nonsensical (even for a Bond film).  Part of the mess involves the constantly fluctuating position of Miranda Frost.  We are barely introduced to her when she turns to be...well, I'm not sure where exactly she fits into the film.  Is she the main villain?  Is she the henchman?  Is she both?  Is she none?  It does not help that Rosamund Pike, who is generally a good actress, decided to phone it in and play her scenes awfully (if one wants to see bad acting, watch her go up against Pierce Brosnan or Halle Berry when attempting to be either menacing or provocative). 

Number 4
Miss Brandt (You Only Live Twice)
 

Yes, I disliked You Only Live Twice, and in this case we have a rarity: a bad Bond Girl and Bond Henchman.  Karin Dor's Miss Brandt was dumb, inept, and fell into Bond's arms at record time (less than ten minutes if I remember correctly).  She was also hopelessly inept as a master assassin: she couldn't even get a good shot at Bond.   When she gets devoured by piranhas by Number One, it just captures what shouldn't happen.  No matter how bad a character is, you shouldn't be either laughing or cheering her rather gruesome end.

Number 3
Corinne Dufour (Moonraker)

Moonraker is remarkably divisive, and by divisive I mean I have found only one other person who genuinely liked it.  That was my friend/fellow film enthusiast Fidel Gomez, Jr. (who may or may not be dead).  It is not the best Bond film, but I found just enough to enjoy it.  One thing I didn't enjoy was Corinne Clery as Corinne Dufour, Drax's loyal secretary.  She represents the worst in any Bond Girl: once she is 'pumped' for information, she is dispensed with.  That in itself is pretty bad, but what makes it even worse is that she is so remarkably dumb in the movie.  She doesn't appear to understand much of what is going on and just drags the film with her dead performance (no pun intended).  If that isn't enough to condemn her, she gets bumped off in the most unceremonious way any Bond Girl gets bumped off...she literally goes to the dogs.

Number 2
Countess Lisl (For Your Eyes Only)

For Your Eyes Only is one of the best Bond Films (a little sneak preview there for you).  If there is a flaw within it, it belongs to Cassandra Harris' Countess Lisl.  It isn't that she gave a bad performance.  It isn't that she wouldn't have been a great character.  It's just that ultimately she served no real purpose in the story.  She meets and sleeps with Bond, then gets killed off in a rather rushed manner.  It seems so unfair to have this character just to kill her off within minutes of introducing her.  That, more than anything else, the almost cruel way she is killed off almost as if to have a Bond Girl killed off, is what pushes the character down.  The waste of it all is what I object to, that as well as the irrelevance of the character.  They might just as well never have brought her up.

Number 1
Strawberry Fields (Quantum of Solace)

Oh, in the fiasco that was Quantum of Solace, nothing went right.  Absolutely nothing.  It's as if they wanted to turn every convention of a Bond film and hold them up to ridicule.  There is nothing in QOS that is worth anything.  Among them is Gemma Arterton's "Miss Fields".  Let's look at our Worst Secondary Bond Girl.  First, we see her wearing a trench coat...in Bolivia!  One doesn't associate a cold climate with the Latin American country.  Second, said trench coat makes her look like a female flasher.  Third, while credit should be given to "Miss Fields" in that she is the first woman whom Daniel Craig's Bond appears to take any sexual interest in (given how perpetually grumpy he is), her seduction by 007 is simply idiotic.  I am surprised we didn't see him bark out, "Take off your trench coat" and her simply give in.  Fourth, the peculiar names for Bond Girls is a tradition (from Pussy Galore to Jinx) but QOS NEVER had the courage to give us "Miss Fields" first name.  It's only AFTER the film ENDS that we learn her name was "Strawberry Fields."  Even The World is Not Enough's Dr. Christmas Jones had a more believable name, and when it gets to that level of idiocy, we have problems.

Fifth and finally, we have this...     

...what I have dubbed the Oilfinger moment.  It is just wrong to copy an iconic Bond film moment and try to make it better.  You can't top Jill Masterson's death, and attempting to copy it only makes it appear to be almost a parody of that legendary image.  When Jill Masterson died covered in gold, it was shocking, sad, but oddly beautiful.  When "Miss Fields" died covered (and we are told, forced-fed oil), it was crass, ugly, and downright vicious. 

An ugly moment in an ugly film.

Well, there it is: My Top and Bottom Five Secondary Bond Girls.

Next...at long last, the Ten Best and Worst Bond Films.

 

James Bond (Lists) Will Return...

Golden Girl...

Bond Girls On Film: The Ten Worst Bond Girls

Well, no one is perfect.  In all our lives, we've met people whom we regret getting involved with, sometimes personally, sometimes romantically.  These personages we wish we'd never met and hope to outlive so as to wear bright colors at their funerals, maybe do a jig upon their graves. 

In regards to the former, the names Ken, Brad and Robert come to my mind (though another is fast entering that list, an Occupier who thinks himself a genius and like all good Occupiers, is so tolerant he won't tolerate any dissent or even jokes about his proletariat movement). 

I'm sure the feeling is mutual. 

In the case of the latter, well, that's a secret to protect their identity.  There is nothing more tedious than hearing a guy rant about his exes, especially on a blog.

James Bond 007 is no exception to bad relationships.  He's had his share of bad Bond Girls, some dumb, some useless, some pretty but thin in terms of talent, all lowly regarded.  Beauty is no defense against an absolute lack acting talent (just ask Channing Tatum). 

With that, I give my Ten Worst Primary Bond Girls.

10.) Tanya (From Russia With Love)

Oh, I don't think Tatiana "Tanya" Romanova is really all that bad.  She just happened to end up at the Top of the Bottom List.  She sacrifices herself for Stalin and Country, and this selection might be the only one that I could be talked out of. 

Again, I can't say she is terrible...it's just that both Solitarie and Octopussy scored higher, so poor Tanya was pushed down by default.  In my defense, I don't think she overpowered the screen either.

09.) Jinx (Die Another Day)

Here, I have no doubt: Halle Berry was hideous in Die Another Day.  Certainly not hideous to look at, but hideous in terms of what is generally called 'acting'.

Berry is a curiousity in the realm of Bond Girls: both an Oscar-winner and a generally bad actress.  What can one say about an actress who is remembered more for Catwoman than she is for Monster's Ball, more for getting paid half a million dollars to bare her breasts in Swordfish than being the first African-American woman to win a Best Lead Actress Academy Award?

One can blame the script all they want (and yes, it is a pretty lousy script) but some of the blame has to go to Berry.  The double-entendres were forced, she looked as if she didn't know what was going on (well, at least she was with the audience in that), and no one bought for a minute that she was some sort of covert agent herself. 

There was talk of giving Jinx her own spin-off, but that's like giving River Song from Doctor Who her own spin-off: a dumb (in every sense of the word) character who gains inexplicable popularity.  How else to explain this...

I sure do pity the fool...wait a minute.

Is that on their upper LEG?

What, are they DUMB or something?!

08.) Domino (Thunderball)

Bless Claudine Auger...yes, she's beautiful, but like Channing Tatum not a hint of emotion came from her Domino. 

Think on it: her brother was murdered by her lover, but it somehow doesn't seem to register.  Domino is a remarkably passive and weak person.  That in itself could be forgiven, it it were played convincingly.  However, Domino looked borderline catatonic in Thunderball, almost drugged.  A man was shot with a harpoon in front of her, and she doesn't appear to react.  It was a bored, dull performance, but it was virtually a Method Master Class compared to...

  

07.) Domino (Never Say Never Again)

...the remake version of Domino in the remake of Thunderball.  Here is another case of an Oscar-winning actress who is considered a bad actress (or is it a bad actress that managed to win an Oscar, although in her defense Kim Basinger gave a brilliant performance in L.A. Confidential...or at least better than Old Whore, I mean Rose, from Titanic).

Perhaps it's just the character of Domino.  Maybe no actress could make this passive, dim, almost unbearably stupid woman interesting.  Basinger looked even more out-of-it than Auger: blank, expressing nothing.  When Largo is slapping her around, it doesn't appear even that will wake her up.

   

06.) Dr. Holly Goodhead (Moonraker)

Here's proof positive that one can have a provocative name (although I don't see what's so provocative about Holly) and have a simply terrible Bond Girl.

Lois Chiles looks bored in Moonraker.  She is suppose to be a brilliant NASA-level scientist/astronaut/CIA agent, but she doesn't convince anyone that she is smart enough to realize Bond isn't just some crazy dude following her around.  Chiles appears to show only one expression throughout the film: contempt.  She doesn't want to be there, she just wants to get it over with, and she's not going to bother pretending she's enjoying any of what she considers nonsense. 

If anything, I'd guess based on her performance in Moonraker that Chiles simply thinks she is above the material.  I'm one of Moonraker's defenders as just a good time, but Chiles looked dumb, bored, and her complete lack of chemistry with Roger Moore makes it even more painful.  When she says, "Take me around the world one more time," she looks as if she's coming out of hypnosis while saying it.  For a film as derided as Moonraker, Chiles gives one of the worst performances in film; not just in a James Bond film, but in film generally.

Finally, I confess to rewinding a scene with Chiles, where Bond grabs her in the dark.  Her facial expression of "shock" is even funnier than anything involving Jaws and his Little Swiss Miss girlfriend. 

05.) Mary Goodnight (The Man With the Golden Gun)

There's nothing wrong with Britt Ekland as an actress (see The Wicker Man...and her dance of seduction).  There's certainly nothing wrong with Britt Ekland in a bikini.  There is something wildly wrong with Britt Ekland as Mary Goodnight in The Man With the Golden Gun.

Goodnight is among the dumbest Bond Girls in the entire franchise, a woman so shockingly inept she makes Maxwell Smart LOOK like James Bond.  She manages to get herself locked in the villain's trunk while holding valuable information and is genuinely shocked, SHOCKED, when she realizes Bond can't find her.  She is so dumb she doesn't appear able to leave the wardrobe Bond has put her in so as he could have some sexy-time with Miss Anders.  One would almost feel sorry for her (since she obviously is half a brain short of being a half-wit) but Goodnight quickly makes you root against her. 

Even worse, she is frightened of the midget Henchman Nick Nack.  Maybe it was all meant to be a big joke...then it would have worked beautifully.  Otherwise, Say Goodnight, Mary...

  

04.) Stacie Sutton (A View to A Kill)

Deer in the headlights. 

All right, we've had dumb Bond Girls before, but not one that appears not to know what the word "geologist" actually means while trying to convince us that she is not just a geologist, but the STATE Geologist. 

Let's leave the fact that Stacie Sutton looks old enough to be James Bond's GRANDDAUGHTER (let alone daughter) in A View to A Kill (amping up the creepy factor).  What really kills Tanya Roberts' Sutton is that her line reading is just that...reading lines.  She never expresses any emotions.  Whether it's discussing Max Zorin's nefarious plans or her late grandfather (and no, it isn't 007's elementary school classmate) or discovering how Zorin will kill millions of people, she says it all the same way.  That is, she sounds more convincing when talking about soufflés than talking about mass murder.

Add to that Stacie Sutton is the weakest woman Bond's ever had the pleasure of sleeping weak: constantly screaming and almost incapable of defending herself.  Please, some Doctor Who Companions screamed less than Stacie Sutton...and they faced Daleks!

03.) Kissy Suzuki (You Only Live Twice)

You know what's so terrible about Kissy Suzuki?  The fact that she did NOTHING as a Bond Girl.

For most of You Only Live Twice the main action involved another Japanese girl, an agent named Aki.  In one of the worst decisions made in a Bond Film, Aki was killed off, and in return, we got Kissy.

Given how ugly YOLT is regarding racial images (the idea that Sean Connery, with a little make-up, could pass convincingly as a Japanese man would have been insulting then, and shockingly idiotic/insensitive now), the image of the docile, demure, thoroughly subservient Japanese woman ought to be more evidence in damning the film.

Worse, Kissy was not a major factor in anything involving YOLT.  She didn't fight, she didn't think. Most of her time was spent running around in her bikini, running off to warn MI6 and their Japanese counterparts and telling them where SPECTRE's volcano lair was.  That's about it. 

Kissy did nothing in the film, so how she ended up as the Primary Bond Girl when the more interesting and active Aki was bumped off (in a thoroughly ridiculous way) is another mark on one of the lesser Bond Films.

I'd like to say to Mie Hama, Kissy-Off.

She had been my Worst Bond Girl for a long time, but then we entered the 21st Century, and found some real doozies.

02.) Dr. Christmas Jones (The World is Not Enough)

Yes, this is what ALL nuclear scientists wear while working to disarm nuclear weapons, why do you ask?

It is clear almost from the get-go that Denise Richards was WILDLY miscast as Dr. Christmas Jones, nuclear scientist.  I say 'almost' because I'm a generous soul, and I was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt.  It wasn't until this "brilliant nuclear scientist" didn't have the sense to run, move, or react to a hail of bullets flying at her that I just gave up.

It isn't just the fact that Denise Richards is not an actress (actress in the 'convincingly portraying someone other than yourself' definition of the term).  It's the fact that she makes one hideous mistake after another.  A Good Bond Girl doesn't draw attention to her unique name; as far they were concerned, there is nothing peculiar about being called Pussy, or Goodhead, or Plenty O'Toole, or Onatopp.  Christmas Jones, on the other hand, made it obvious we were going to get puns.

And oh, what groan-inducing puns we got.  Christmas was never so tawdry or vulgar.

We also got in Christmas Jones someone who clearly had no idea what she was doing, let alone what was going on.  By even the obscure plot of The World is Not Enough, Jones looked perennially confused: about what was going on, about even who she was.  In the pile of debris known as The World is Not Enough, Dr. Jones could have used a Short Round to help her: help her figure out the story, help her act, help her think.

Now, the Worst Bond Girl of All Time Is...

01.) Camille Montes (Quantum of Solace)

We're never formally introduced to Camille Montes.  She just basically pops in and we (like the cast and crew of Quantum of Solace) basically have to figure it out for ourselves.  Something about revenge or something...

She doesn't look as if she even likes James Bond in QOS (given it's Daniel Craig, who probably scowled at her during filming, it's more than likely closer to the truth).  Therefore, it makes her kiss at the end of the film even more puzzling (and for something as chaotic as Quantum of Solace, that's saying something).  I should note that this is a Bond Girl...one whom doesn't sleep with Bond, and one who kisses him for the first time at the END of the movie.  What kind of Bond Girl is that? 

Montes is the Worst Bond Girl simply because she gathers all the qualities of Bad Bond Girls (stupidity, lack of involvement with the action, a disinterested take on the proceedings) and throws in something uniquely her own: no sexual interest in 007. 

We've covered Bond Songs, Bond Henchmen, Bond Villains, and Bond Girls.  Now, we move on to the Ultimate List.  That's right: the Ten Best and Worst James Bond Films.

James Bond (Lists) Will Return...

 

 

 

...And This Man Is Like a Bad Bond Girl:

Pretty But Can't Act or Think.

Bond Girls On Film: The Ten Best Bond Girls

GIRLS! GIRLS! GIRLS!

I don't care if people think I'm sexist: they are Bond GIRLS!

Period.

End of Discussion.

I'm not going for this Bond Woman thing.  I'm not going to pretend that the women in a James Bond film are just vehicles for erotic fascination (thought they can be). 

Honestly, what's wrong with having a bevy of beauties?  I don't think it diminishes them as people to appreciate them for their physical appearance. 

For me, the collection of females who romance or antagonize our 007 will always be...

Bond Girls.

Now, we get to the crux of the matter: the ranking of all the bathing beauties who have appeared in a James Bond film.  First, what exactly IS a Bond Girl?

That's a bit like making a list of Doctor Who companions: no one is quite sure what constitutes one.  We know some of the better Bond Girls (such as Dr. No's Honey Rider, Goldfinger's Pussy Galore, and Live and Let Die's Solitaire), but could someone like A View to A Kill's May Day or The World is Not Enough's Elektra King also be found in Bond Girl lists? 

I think a Bond Girl is someone who actually sleeps with James Bond, or at the very least is partnered wit him in some way (either as help or hindrance).  Also, this Retrospective has found there are Two types of Bond Girls, whom I've dubbed Primary and Secondary.  The main difference is that the Primary Bond Girl has a more dominant role in the Bond film (and almost always gets to the end of the film with Bond beside her), while the Secondary Bond Girl usually (but not always) ends up dead before the closing credits.

In this retrospective I have found only THREE instances when the Secondary Bond Girl actually gets to live to the end, and TWO cases when the Primary Bond Girl dies before the film's over.  More on that later. 

Now, before we count down our Top Ten List, I think I will take this opportunity to single out two women who, strictly speaking, don't qualify as Bond Girls, but who are still highly important women in the Bond mythos.  With that, two Honorable Mentions:

One of the BIGGEST mistakes the new James Bond producers have made is to leave out our Miss Moneypenny.  It just isn't a James Bond film without our ever-efficient personal assistant at MI6.  It is wrong to disassociate the series from one of the more stable and amusing characters.

Skyfall has rectified the situation...slightly...by bringing Miss (Eve) Moneypenny back (as the hideous River Song would say, "Spoilers"), and leaving her safely ensconced in M's office at the end of the film.  I question whether we need a tough Miss Moneypenny rather than the ever-bright, slightly flirtatious office agent.  Still, it's a step in the right direction (although I STILL can't bring myself to call this particular incarnation of Moneypenny an actual Bond Girl.  Sorry).

Miss Moneypenny is the antithesis of the Bond Girl: she is professional, intellectually mature, and highly efficient.  Her only flaw appears to be perpetually waiting to be turned into Mrs. Bond, but one imagines she enjoys the flirtations with 007 and that they probably do (or will) have some kind of relationship between missions.  She also happens to work on the right side. 

This isn't to say most Bond Girls are stupid or out-and-out criminals, but few hold reputable jobs.  Miss Moneypenny has an important role to play in the life of James Bond: truth be told, she's been the only woman who has stuck by him in all his comings and goings.  At the beginning (and one presumes, at the end) of every mission, there she'll be, forever flirting with Bond, but intelligent enough to know that perhaps that is ALL she will ever do. 

One of the things the newer Bonds HAVE gotten right is the selection of Dame Judi Dench as M.  I doubt even the great Dame Judi would qualify herself as a Bond Girl, but on the whole who would argue that she is perhaps the most powerful woman James has ever dealt with regularly (and the ONLY one, apart from Her Majesty) that he would ever defer to?

At first I thought the casting of Dench was a stunt, a way to put a woman over our hero (some call him sexist, others misogynistic, others just a jerk.  I call him none of those, but I digress).  However, she's proven herself to be vital in both Bond's life and Bond's work.  Not a Bond Girl per se, but a great element in the films (and Brother Gabe's "secret crush"...an inside joke).

Now, without further ado, the Official Rankings of the Ten Best Primary Bond Girls as selected by me, in descending order:

10.) Pam Bouvier (Licence to Kill)

The much-trashed, much-maligned Pam Bouvier of the similarly-trashed, similarly-maligned Licence to Kill finally gets her due.  I have enjoyed both Timothy Dalton Bond films, and while I think Licence to Kill is a more generic Bond film (more like a long episode of Miami Vice), I thought highly of Miss Bouvier.  You can tell that she's a strong woman: she blasts her way out of danger, and she is constantly frustrated in her efforts to be Bond's partner rather than his 'partner'. 

In fact, if you think of it, HER plan to infiltrate Franz Sanchez's retreat/cocaine hub was much more sensible than Bond's, and she did save Bond's life at least twice despite his constant efforts to get her out of the way (always for 'her own good') and even belittling her.  She was a far smarter character than she's ever been given credit for and her character in Licence to Kill I hope gets a reevaluation.

09.) Tiffany Case (Diamonds Are Forever)

Diamonds Are Forever is not a great Bond film.  It has many problems.  Therefore, why did I put in Tiffany Case as one of the Ten Best Bond Girls?  Quite simple: Tiffany is about the only Bond Girl who appears to be having a good time.  I don't know if Jill St. John actually DID have a good time while making the film, but judging from the final product the character is taking all of it as a lark.

Tiffany was sassy and sexy, flirtatious and charmingly goofy, delightfully devious and unrepentant about being a criminal.  She made no apologies for being a diamond smuggler and even after helping Bond she still had her eyes on getting the diamonds back.  Yes, near the end when she falls off the oil rig while ineptly firing a machine gun might have reduced Tiffany into a joke, but I think St. John got that.  That's one reason why Tiffany Case is a Great Bond Girl...she always appeared to be in on the joke.

   

08.) Honey Ryder (Dr. No)

Oh, Honey...no boo-boo here.  Honey Ryder, the first Bond Girl, made such a remarkable debut in Dr. No (rising from the sea like Aphrodite) that it simply would be impossible to not have her in any Top Ten Bond Girl list.  She certainly wasn't afraid of danger, and could be dangerous when wet (sorry, couldn't resist).

Still, her relatively low ranking might be a surprise.  Why not at Number One?  Well, as I though on it I figured Honey didn't take a large role in Dr. No.  For a good amount of time, she was a bit of a 'damsel in distress'.  While Bond was taking on Doctor No, she was somewhere trapped in the bad Doctor's lair.  If one thinks about it, she all but disappeared for a while in the film.  However, trust me, Honey...we're still looking.

07.) Wai Lin (Tomorrow Never Dies)

This is a case of a lost opportunity.  Wai Lin was sadly short-shifted in Tomorrow Never Dies.  If more thought had been given to make her an equal to Bond (in terms of screen time) the film would have benefited tremendously from Michelle Yeoh's presence.  For Heaven's sake, she's MICHELLE YEOH...how could they screw THAT up?

Even though the film failed her, we can see that Wai Lin is Bond's equal: she's bright, able to take care of herself (and take down a host of thugs dumb enough to take her on) and highly resourceful.  Anyone else who tried to walk on walls might look foolish, but Wai Lin made it look fascinating.

 

06.) Natalya Simonova (GoldenEye)

James Bond simply couldn't have defeated Janus without her.

Natalya was not just any Bond Girl; she had both smarts and soul.  Natalya had the mind to try to bring down those who killed her co-workers and friends before getting involved with Bond, but she was also not merely waiting around for Bond to do his thing.  When trapped aboard the soon-to-explode train, she basically ordered him to 'get us out of here'.

Natalya also saw how destructive Bond's life was.  Even as she was being romanced by 007, she snapped her disapproval of how both James and Janus behaved, solving things with violence.  She figured this was wrong because it would in the end never bring about true peace.  She is strong, smart, but also vulnerable: her genuine sadness at seeing everyone at her station killed and the terror of coming close to death herself make Natalya sympathetic.  It's not so much that she isn't afraid, but that she admits it but continues.

 

05.) Major Anya Amasova Agent XXX (The Spy Who Loved Me)

It might be too easy to describe Agent XXX as Bond's Soviet counterpart, but I think that XXX is a brilliant Bond Girl because, unlike others, she has a powerful motivation to both help and hurt 007.

WE know from early on that Bond killed Major Amasova's lover, but she doesn't until the middle of the film.  Before that she worked with Bond purely because they had the same objective.  After she discovers this, she now has a conflict: she obviously is falling for her counterpart, but she also swore revenge against the one who hurt her so.  So many things going on with her: devotion to her duty to country, her desire to avenge her lover, her own feelings for Bond.  Those conflicts give Amasova a chance for a greater and stronger role in a Bond film, a motivation and growth to her character one doesn't see often in a Bond Girl.

It also helps to look like Barbara Bach.  The Cold War never looked this hot.

04.) Vesper Lynd (Casino Royale)

Few Bond Girls have been as beautiful, as vulnerable, as devious, and as tragic as Vesper Lynd.  She started out as someone efficient and not interested in James Bond, but over the course of Casino Royale Vesper grew to someone who was highly frightened, a heart beneath her stiff exterior.

We should know that Bond will not ride off into the sunset with the girl in his arms.  The divided loyalties of Vesper make her actions understandable perhaps, but her final scene, knowing what we know and seeing what she does, is truly heartbreaking. Vesper Lynd is neither a good girl gone bad or a bad girl gone good, she is a good woman who made difficult choices that regardless of her decisions cost her more than she could pay.

 

03.) Melina Havelock (For Your Eyes Only)

Katniss Everdeen, eat your heart out.

Melina Havelock is also someone driven by motive, in her case the killing of her parents.  She will not let anything, even 007, get in her way.  Melina is someone who is perfectly capable of taking care of herself, but who also could use guidance in knowing the difference between revenge and justice.

In many ways, For Your Eyes Only is about Melina's journey: the loss of her parents and her desire to punish those responsible getting just as equal treatment as Bond's mission which is connected, but not essential to the Havelock's story.  Melina is relentless, but she is also vulnerable.

Like I said, Katniss Everdeen, eat your heart out.

02.) Pussy Galore (Goldfinger)

No Best Bond Girl List would be complete without Pussy.

Bond Girls appear to thrive on unique names that are risque, even provocative, and you can't get more provocative than Pussy Galore.

Still, what makes her a Great Bond Girl?  Names can only get you so far (we'll get to that a little later).  It's the fact that she is in no way, shape, or form a 'damsel in distress'.  She certainly isn't going to wait on a man to rescue her...in fact, men might need to be rescued from her.  Pussy is tough, strong, and able to handle any situation she faces. 

Pussy is professional and loyal to her criminal undertaking, determined to beat those who confront her.  She doesn't need to be taken care of, knows her job, and can stand up to any man.

Granted, while not an open lesbian as she was in the novel, the suggestion that she has no interest in 007 or any other man is still there.  Pussy if anything is the perfect male fantasy: the lesbian who is "converted" by the right man.

And yes, she has the best Bond Girl name. 

And now, the Greatest Bond Girl of All Time...

 

01.) Countess Teresa "Tracy" DiVincenzo Bond

(On Her Majesty's Secret Service)

I've long argued that when you have a legitimate actress as a Bond Girl, you get a better performance (almost always).  You need proof?  Just look at Dame Diana Rigg as Tracy. 

The acting in On Her Majesty's Secret Service is among the best in a Bond film, but what elevates Tracy is that we see something we aren't treated to often in a Bond Film: James Bond genuinely falling in love with someone, and vice-versa.  Tracy has the strength of good Bond Girls (she is able to handle Blofeld and fight against both him and his minions), she has the wit of good Bond Girls (who else can both infuriate and placate their father easily or go toe-to-toe with 007) and she has the vulnerability of good Bond Girls (her genuinely love for Bond is rewarded).

Tracy also has the most tragic fate in a Bond Girl (apart from Vesper), which makes it all the more poignant that after getting to know her, we'll never see her again. 

Well, as we know, we've all had at least ONE bad relationship, and 007 is no exception.  With that, let's shift over to our Ten Worst Primary Bond Girls.

James Bond (Lists) Will Return...

Nemesis: The Ten Worst Bond Villains

As stated earlier, I find that the more dangerous James Bond's antagonist are the more effective said antagonist will be.  However, when a Bond Villain's scheme proves particularly idiotic, or when the Villain him/herself appears so stupid, he/she not only proves an unworthy antagonist but an object of ridicule among his/her fellow Master Criminals. 

We've all had employers whom we know are idiots.  Various Henchmen are not immune from inept Super-Criminals.  They probably on their days off wondered, 'how could someone so patently stupid be in charge?'

With that, my Ten Worst Bond Villains List.

10.) Drax (Moonraker)

I have a great fondness for Sir Hugo Drax.  There is something quite amusing about him: the way he speaks so calmly, almost hypnotically.  The way he rarely ever gets angry, even when his plans to kill Bond off fail so spectacularly.  The way he ignores the beauties that surround him. 

I've always thought Drax if nothing else, thought big.  He could be accused of wanting to 'take over the world' by committing mass genocide, killing off the Earth's population to start his own Master Race (with him obviously as Overlord).  He was a silly man, one that inspired more humor than menace.  Still, I LOVE DRAX!  No matter what Michael Lonsdale may do, he'll always be that delightfully goofy Bond Villain to me.


09.) Brad Whitaker (The Living Daylights) *

I liked The Living Daylights and think it's one of the better Bond Films.  One thing that I didn't care for was Joe Don Baker's Brad Whitaker.  He was a completely comical foil for anyone: loud, brash, garish, with a raging ego, a military fetish and no real sense of menace or danger. 

We never got the sense that Whitaker knew what he was talking about, let alone that he was some criminal mastermind.  He's suppose to be a major arms dealer, but given his overall manner of being one wonders why anyone would turn to him (with his faux-military uniforms and dummies of himself looking like great military men/criminal leaders such as Hitler) for weapons.  What really damns Whitaker is that his end was remarkably anti-climatic.  However, given that this man, crazed by all things military, had an inglorious ending, it might just have been the right way to go.

08.) Stromberg (The Spy Who Loved Me)

Again, here's a case of me actually liking the Bond Villain.  For a long time Carl Stromberg was on my Top Ten List, but then after some thought I wondered why he deserved such a high place.  He really didn't do anything.  Like Drax, he had a Voice and Presence.  What he didn't have was much involvement in the actual execution of the plans or of the British MI6 Agent 007 and/or the Soviet agent XXX.

I have a soft spot for Stromberg, but he knocked down because after remaining very beyond things I couldn't possibly believe he would take any interest in XXX, let alone a sexual one.  His lack of involvement pushes him down on my list, but for myself, I LIKE Stromberg.

07.) Silva (Skyfall)

Here are some words that I would use to describe Skyfall's Villain Silva: campy, over-the-top, showy, exaggerated.  Of course, I still use the same words to describe Heath Ledger's Joker in The Dark Knight, and after having seen Skyfall, it's a perfect description since Javier Bardem apparently decided that copying Ledger's The Dark Knight performance would make his Villain just as iconic.

I would argue it makes him ironic.  It's exactly like The Joker sans makeup.  I never took this guy seriously, and frankly I'm tired of villains who are villains because Mommy (or Mother Figures) didn't love them enough.  We've covered similar territory with Alec Trevelyan in GoldenEye.  Finally, what can one say about a Villain who makes the audience burst out laughing?

06.) Maximilian Largo (Never Say Never Again)

Yes, I know Never Say Never Again is not an official Bond Film, but I count it for this Retrospective.  Maximilian Largo was someone I marvelled at, only because I couldn't believe anyone would take him to be a menace.

For me, Largo turned into a joke from which nothing could restore him the moment he challenged Bond to what is essentially a video game...a video game of DEATH!  Even Octopussy's Kamal Khan managed to make a board game more menacing, and Louis Jourdan appeared to be delighting in overacting.  Klaus Maria Brandauer was being deliberately silly as the villain...or at least I HOPE he was. Otherwise...

05.) Blofeld III (Diamonds Are Forever)

We know Blofeld has always been known for his pussy, but this is not what we had in mind.  It's genuinely sad to see such a menacing character from You Only Live Twice and On Her Majesty's Secret Service end up reduced to being a drag queen.

I can't imagine Charles Gray (Blofeld III) thought that after this, anyone would take the character (or perhaps Gray himself) seriously. What SENSE is there in Blofeld making a daring escape by doing a Dame Edna Everage impersonation?  It turns everything into a joke, but before Blofeld finally fell off the cliff with this embarrassing ensemble, Blofeld would have already ranked pretty low thanks to Gray.  Perhaps it was the actor's choice, perhaps that of the director, but they decided to make Blofeld into this vaguely effeminate, grandiose villain whose scheme is rather hare-brained even for him.  He was never an active participant in the plans, and turning Blofeld into a figure of fun doomed Diamonds Are Forever.

Even more confusing, we'd already seen Gray as another character in You Only Live Twice, so if one had been seeing the Bond films in chronological order, it would have been confusing to have gone from MI6 agent killed quickly to our Nehru-wearing, pussy-petting Master-Criminal.

     
In case the next Bond Film decides to bring Blofeld back, I offer a suggestion for the role...

04.) Elektra King (The World is Not Enough) **

How could they possible screw this up?  The World is Not Enough is one of the rare moments when we've had a female Bond Villain (and the first Bond Villain 007 has actually slept with...would YOU like to have a romp with Rosa Klebb?).  However, Elektra King was a disastrous choice because the script wanted it both ways.  On the one hand, it wanted Elektra to be unrepentantly evil.  On the other, it wanted Elektra to be seen as a victim.  It could never make up its mind, and that was just one of the hosts of problems the film had.

We're suppose to believe Elektra King is Azerbaijani, but she's fair-skinned, has a British father and a French accent.  She's as Azerbaijani as Alexander Skarsgard is Nigerian.  We also have that pesky problem of her actual scheme (which doesn't at least, involve taking over the world).  From what I understood, she's willing to blow up her own oil pipelines in order to make more money...or blackmail the world or something; no one knows what exactly she wanted.

Finally, she wants revenge on Judi Dench's M for leaving her to die at the hands of terrorists...hope they never use THAT motive in any other Bond films...

03.) Elliot Carver (Tomorrow Never Dies)

Yeah, I hate Rupert Murdoch as much as everyone else does save for Sean Hannity, but even I think Murdoch's doppelganger Elliot Carver is too much.  The media baron as Bond Villain must have thought that he had all the accruments to be effective.  A Henchman? Check.  A Secondary Bond Girl that gets knocked off? Check. A harebrained scheme that is vaguely about 'taking over the world'? Check.  A Nehru jacket?  Check and Check.

What he didn't have was anything that worked.  The thing about Villains is that they never see themselves as villains.  Poor Jonathan Pryce must have taken this Bartha role because he thought it would be a hoot to be a bad guy.  However, Elliot Carver is really a most stupid character: he threatens world war for ratings?  RATINGS!  Specifically, broadcast rights in China.  One would have imagined a simple bribe would have done the work, but NO!  Carver had to have his war, and he'd already spent billions on a secret invisible warship, so he might as well get his money's worth. 

The plan's stupid, the character's stupid, the movie's stupid. 

02.) Gustav Graves (Die Another Day)

Bond Villains can be flamboyant, over-the-top, even flat-out nutty.  What Bond Villains must never be is down-and-out laughable, but Die Another Day's Gustav Graves is clearly insane.  Not insane in the 'criminal genius' style, but insane in the 'the idea is beyond believable even for a Bond film' crazy. 

Even if we were to roll with the idea that Gustav Graves were this crazed billionaire who was going to melt the world to start a war, it's the "shocking twist" that is almost too painful to watch.  Who thought ANYONE would believe Toby Stephens was KOREAN?  Seriously, not since Blofeld fled his lair in high heels and makeup while holding his pussy in his hands has a villain been so flat-out embarrassing and laughable.

If Graves had WORKED for/with the North Koreans, the character MIGHT have stood a chance.  Fortunately for us, Stephens' decision to not so much overact as perform a bad parody of a Bond Villain killed even that avenue.  Another bad scheme by another bad Villain who can't be taken seriously.

And now, the Single Worst Bond Villain of All Time is....

01.) Dominic Greene (Quantum of Solace)

Here is the Bond Villain's Dastardly Scheme:

He's going to steal Bolivia's water.

Enough said.

Having rounded up all our Master Criminal Murderer's Row, I think it's time to move on to more important things.

That's right: The Ten Best and Worst Bond Girls.

James Bond (Lists) Will Return...

* Whitaker was accompanied by Russian General Koskov.  However, it appeared that Whitaker was the Primary Bond antagonist while Koskov was a bumbling idiot who just worked for Whitaker.  After some debate, I opted for Whitaker as being the actual Bond Villain in The Living Daylights since he appeared to be the brains of the operation.

** Another case of not figuring out exactly who was the actual Bond Villain due to a lousy script.  Elektra King gets the nod because, like Whitaker, she and not Renard (who appears to be more the Henchman) seems to be the actual brains behind the scheme.  However, The World is Not Enough is never exactly clear who is doing what to whom, so a legitimate debate can be made as to whether King or Renard deserve the dubious Worst Bond Villain distinction.

Blofeld IV?