Primetime: A Review

PRIMETIME

I have some memories of To Catch a Predator, the 2004-2007 NBC show where alleged sexual predators were confronted on camera. I was not a regular viewer, finding the entire thing sordid. Now we see the rise and fall of To Catch a Predator and its host, Chris Hansen, in Primetime. I figure it aims to be something like Network but ends up being a cross between On Patrol: Live and The Gong Show.

Chris Hansen (Robert Pattinson) has been working with the vigilante group Perverted Justice to catch several predators. Hansen's NBC reports profile various men who go to what they think is a rendezvous with an underage girl or boy. In reality, the various schmucks end up facing this scowling, theatrical figure repeating the lurid messages these men sent to the decoys. Hansen believes that he is doing great, noble work. However, he is perennially under the shadow of NBC News main newscaster, Stone Phillips (Bill Heck). Try as Hansen might, he is not taken seriously as a major news anchor the way Phillips is.

Enter young Dan Plum (Skyler Gisondo). Dan is an aspiring actor who is looking to get into the Screen Actors Guild. For that, he needs screen credits. He is advised by his friend and fellow actor Troy (Eric Rahill) to "stay in his lane". With Dan's thin frame and youthful looks, I think his "lane" would be what would now be called a "twink". That, however, is perfect for To Catch a Predator, who need faunlets to be decoys for the men lured into this web of sordid sleaze. Dan is rushed to the latest location and given virtually no time to prepare and pretty much no information about the scene. To his absolute shock and horror, "Decoy Dan" finds himself in front of a man, naked from the waist down, pleasuring himself. 

Despite this freakish beginning, Dan soon starts getting into character. It is an acting job for him, with the small bonus of doing good for the children. For Chris Hansen, however, To Catch a Predator is making him look like he's starting to go bonkers. The primary problem Hansen faces is his mistress, Krystle (Caroline Hebert). Hansen may have a loyal wife in Mary Joan (Anna Faris), but he is not above indulging in the pleasures of the flesh with someone other than Mary Joan. Hansen is caught himself on camera with his mistress, with the National Enquirer tabloid chomping at the bit to release the info.

Hansen has more problems. To Catch a Predator has been moved up to primetime, where it could topple Lost in the ratings. Hansen and Perverted Justice are looking for a "whale", an alleged predator with a big name or position to build up big ratings. That "whale" might be in Texas. Perverted Justice operative Xavier Von Erk (Matthew Maher) may have finally broken through to get a potential political figure. Dan Plumb is becoming distressed by his typecasting and by Hansen's vague God complex. "We're cleaning the world of an ancient evil", Hansen tells the actor. Hansen keeps pushing Plumb to keep the lure going. The whale ends up committing suicide, but will anyone else fall morally or emotionally?

Again, I am not in a position to say how accurate or inaccurate Primetime is. I judge only by what I see and am shown on the screen. By that standard, Primetime ends up making Chris Hansen a bit of a nut driven by jealousy and a messianic sense of self. Right from the beginning, Primetime made Hansen look rather loony and creepy. Our first introduction to the To Catch a Predator host is seeing him move his hands about, reciting "I will undress you, you will undress me". I do not think that director Lance Oppenheim and/or screenwriter Ajon Singh intended Hansen to echo The Silence of the Lambs' Buffalo Bill. With Ari Balouzian's music and Robert Pattinson's performance, however, one almost expected Hansen to come out from behind the curtains cuddling a poodle. 

It is established that the dialogue was just Hansen reciting what one of the alleged predators (Tony Revolori) had written. It is in how Pattinson's Hansen recited the words that makes him look bonkers. It luxuriated in the words, suggesting that Hansen found the situation almost exciting versus taking a more professional stance. Throughout Primetime, Oppenheim, Singh and Pattinson seemed determined to make Chris Hansen look like he was closing in on leaving sanity. 

They also made Chris Hansen look like an insecure narcissist. He kept insisting on redoing the To Catch a Predator voiceovers. He bristled whenever he encountered or even saw Stone Phillips on television. His declarations about "cleaning the world of an ancient evil" made him look either crazy or totally self-important. At one point, Hansen couldn't get to the potential predator waiting for his fly. He was too hazed by the thought of the National Enquirer reporting on him. Poor Dan, desperate to not let the potential predator escape, is forced to improvise. 

That leads me to one of Primetime's greatest points of contention. I do not think that Primetime made the alleged predators sympathetic. If it did, it was probably due to some bad choices Oppenheim and Singh made. There is the issue of how Hansen comes across. Compared to him, the other men look almost decent (the naked man pleasuring himself in front of a horrified Dan notwithstanding). One of the alleged predators is disabled, walking into the meetup with dual walking sticks. It is almost hard not to feel for someone struggling to walk while walking through a major rainstorm. When another potential predator, a rabbi no less, shouts at a belligerent Hansen, "YOU'RE DOING THIS FOR TELEVISION?!", one almost again thinks that the bad rabbi is right. Hansen may see himself as a vigilante ridding the world of an ancient evil. Primetime, intentionally or not, paints him as pretty whacked out.

This perception of malevolence from the hunters and not the hunted is compounded by not just Hansen's behavior. The various people at Perverted Justice do not come across well either. Matthew Maher's Xavier Van Eck comes across as the stereotype of an online stalker. His eagerness, almost glee, at finding a "whale" seems to come not from a sense of saving kids but like someone winning an online video game. The entire reason Plum is on set is because their regular decoy refused to appear unless Perverted Justice's merch site took down questionable underwear. I asked at that point, "Perverted Justice has a merch site?" and "They sell underwear?". It looked tawdrier than the men who thought they were going to get at some teenagers. That, again, was not the intent. That is how it ended up looking like. 

As a side note, part of me wondered if Dan Plum would have almost literally been thrown into his first encounter without knowing anything about the premise. It might have happened, or it might have been for dramatic effect. I just struggled to believe it.

The concluding section of Primetime should fill the viewer with horror. Instead, it had me literally howling with laughter. When the Texas police learn who the "whale" is (Assistant District Attorney Bill Conradt, played by Alex Winter), the police chief (Bokeem Woodbine) shouts, "THAT G--D-- DEMOCRATIC POS!" (I've opted to not use the entirety of his statement). I did actually start laughing at this moment. The dialogue and Woodbine's performance seemed so outlandish as to slip into open parody. 

Robert Pattinson has received wide praise for his performance as Chris Hansen. I cannot join in that chorus. Pattinson seemed overtly theatrical and exaggerated in his manner. There seemed to be something grandiose and overt about Pattinson's acting in Primetime. For me, it came across as broad and silly. It was as if he was Acting with a Capital A. I do not know why people are touting Pattinson for award consideration. 

Much better is Skyler Gisondo as Dan Plum. I wonder if Primetime did not make a mistake in not having Dan and not Hansen be the center of the film. Seeing how To Catch a Predator and Perverted Justice became more about ratings than about keeping kids save through his eyes would have been interesting. Gisondo has several good moments in Primetime. There is when he, single-handed, stops one of the alleged predators from leaving. There is the shock at seeing another man show himself off. His scene when Hansen speaks about his quasi-messianic mission is quiet but effective. I'd put Skyler Gisondo up for consideration in Supporting Actor. 

The only other performance that I remember was that of Bill Heck as Stone Phillips, Hansen's one-sided rival. Heck came across as doing a Chris Parnell impersonation of a Stone Phillips impersonation. I actually thought that it was Parnell as Phillips. Why exactly Chris Hansen had this deep-seeded rivalry to animosity towards Phillips' stiff manner one can only guess. 

Ari Balouzian's score made Primetime sometimes come across as a horror film. Granted, that might have been the intent. However, the score seemed better suited to something like Obsession than Primetime. 

Primetime had the odd moment prior to the screening of having Chris Hansen advertise his own venture, TruBlu. I was puzzled by why Hansen opted to use Primetime to promote his own subscription channel. Given how odd almost all of Primetime is, I should perhaps not be surprised by any of this. 

DECISION: D+

Digger: A Review (Review #2230)

DIGGER

In 1961, Jackie Gleason signed a thirteen-week contract to host You're in the Picture. This game show had four celebrity panelists attempting to figure out what tableaux they were reenacting via yes and no questions. You're in the Picture, when it premiered, was an unmitigated disaster. The panelists struggled to figure out what scene they were in. Gleason struggled to ad-lib jokes, his hints were unintelligible to the panelists, and he grew visibly angry. He was desperate to get out of the contract but couldn't. He did find a loophole in it, however. Gleason had been contracted to do a show. The contract, however, did not specifically state what kind of show it had to be. With that, The Great One took to the screen the next week and offered a half-hour apology/postmortem on the disaster that was You're in the Picture. "Last week, we did a show called 'You're in the Picture', that laid, without a doubt, the biggest bomb", Gleason remarked to the laughing audience. "I'm telling you, friends, I've seen bombs in my day. This would make the H-Bomb look like a two-inch salute!". 

Gleason's summation of You're in the Picture came to mind after watching Digger. I think Digger could be the cinematic version of You're in the Picture. Wildly misguided, needlessly convoluted, Digger is an unmitigated disaster. At least You're in the Picture, with all its flaws, made a genuine effort to entertain its audience. I doubt that Digger, conversely, had such lofty ambitions.

Digger's plot is surprisingly straightforward, though it takes excessive turns all over the place to get there. Digger is actually not about the title character; it really is about the dress rehearsal and premiere production of the play Fossil Fools. Actor Curtis Markson is playing Digger Rockwell (Tom Cruise playing both roles). Markson finds Fossil Fools' version of Digger to be cartoonish. He also objects, as Digger goes on, about the historical inaccuracies in Fossil Fools. Markson is facing a great crisis during this run-through. His daughter, who had called him during this rehearsal, is now missing after her flight hit a weather disturbance. Markson's wife or ex-wife, (I can't remember) Agatha (Annabel Mullion) assures him that their child will be all right. Help comes from an unlikely source: Kenny (Jesse Plemons), Fossil Fools' angel (the major investor that will get Fossil Fools onto the Great White Way). Kenny will use his resources to locate Markson's daughter.

The majority of Digger is about the events that make up Fossil Fools. Digger is a crazed Texas oil tycoon whose only love is his pussy named "Maggie". Yes, he literally has "Maggie the Cat". He's been repeatedly warned that his Greenland oil field is emitting high levels of methane. To quote Pete Seeger, the big fool says to push on. That decision triggers an explosion that kills the oil field workers and breaks off a large chunk of the glacier. That chunk, called Judy, is headed towards Europe, whose impact will send a tsunami through Sweden. The wise Dr. Ganesh (Riz Ahmed) warns both Rockwell, President Compson (John Goodman) and Compson's Cabinet of the impending disaster. He urges them to act fast and warn the Europeans. Compson, suffering from as he puts it, "cancer in the ass", conspires with Digger to set up a firewall, not to save lives but to stop news from spreading online.

Wrong Maggie the Cat

This naturally fails. Millions of Scandinavians are killed, with a visibly ill Compson, his Cabinet and Digger all recoiling when they see the footage. Again, the big fool says to push on. Digger defends himself to the European Parliament, denouncing them for their own greed and reliance on oil while condemning him for providing what they want. Oil is the mother's milk of Earth, he declares to them. Ganesh, now drunk, gives him more bad news. Another chunk of ice has broken off, this time from Mother Russia, and is headed towards Alaska. The chunk, called Kimberly, has the added bonus of being filled with nuclear waste. 

Over Ganesh's repeated warnings, Digger along with a whacked-out and dying President Compson decide to bomb the hell out of Kimberly. The plan is to break the glacier up. Ganesh insists that this will cause more problems. Yet again, the big fool says to push on. Unsurprisingly, Kimberly is cut down but not destroyed. At this point in Fossil Fools, Markson objects to all of this. Fossil Fools is historically inaccurate: neither Compson nor the weak-willed Vice President (Michael Stuhlbarg) were aboard the planes that dropped the bombs on Kimberly. Fossil Fools is also mocking the millions of dead that resulted out of Rockwell and Compson's actions. Fossil Fools director Hannah (Sophie Wilde) insists that people need this satire because it's funny. The public needs to laugh at these imbeciles. Fossil Fools, which Hannah says is a "cult classic for twenty years", is an outlet for people. Eventually convinced by Kenny, whose connection to Rockwell are revealed, Markson continues.

Fossil Fools reveals Digger Rockwell's fate. I would have said "sad" fate, but the audience gives the show a standing ovation. However, as the play ends, we find that they are warned about being at "Level Four". Up come the masks, as we exit Fossil Fools and enter a dystopian world of sludge, flood and unbreathable air.

While watching the credits, I was astounded that Digger has four screenwriters: Nicolas Giacobone, Alexander Dinelaris, Sabina Berman and director Alejandro G. Iñárritu (with Jez Butterworth, Berman and Iñárritu receiving "story by" credit). This might be a case of "too many cooks in the kitchen". Digger, I think, wanted to have its cake and eat it too. Iñárritu and company figured that they could get away with having all the performances be broad and cartoonish by having Digger be a "play-within-the film". 

It did not work. 

At about the twenty-to-thirty-minute mark, we get that "shocking" twist about Digger. We find that what we are actually seeing is not a straightforward film about a crazed, senile oil baron. Instead, it is what is called a "satire" about said oil baron. Once that happens, the suspense (and the thrill) is gone. You sit there, somewhat in frustration, knowing that what you are watching are a group of people being overtly, manically unhinged. The jutting in of Markson's family crisis do not inject anything into Digger except a bloated runtime. Digger never made the case for either story: that of Digger Rockwell, oligarch spoof, or Curtis Markson, frustrated and worried actor. Knowing that you are watching a play, you do not have any vested interest in Markson or in Rockwell. Digger never makes the case for why you should care about anything or anyone here.

I admit that I laughed exactly once while watching Digger. It was when Hannah told Curtis that Fossil Fools was a "cult classic for twenty years". If I take the premise of both Digger and Fossil Fools at face value, the latter would not have been a cult classic, let alone one that would receive thunderous standing ovations. That idea is self-congratulatory BS from everyone involved.

I say this because Fossil Fools, as presented, is not funny. Had it actually been presented on the stage, it would be clear that everything was played so broadly. I do not think anyone would enjoy watching people screaming at each other for two hours. Herein lies one of Digger's greatest faults. Once we learn that we are watching, not a story about Digger Rockwell's disastrous choices, but an overexaggerated rendition of "true events", it becomes torturous. 

There is a strong undercurrent of meanness and anger in Digger. That is, in my view, deadly for what is called a "satire". I've long believed that a good satire, at heart, has if not love at least affection for what it is spoofing. Digger looks to be inspired by Dr. Strangelove, down to a variation of the latter's War Room. However, while Dr. Strangelove is farcical, it still plays everything straight. Digger, conversely, revels in being so over-the-top that both audiences (Digger and Fossil Fools) would sit rather stupefied that people thought any of this was actually funny.

We saw a bizarre scene where Compson's Cabinet gathered around him to pray over him. The presumably evangelical Christian was so blatantly exaggerated in his manner that had it been any other religion, it would have qualified as a hate crime. Said evangelical even slips into speaking in tongues. It makes no sense on any level, even on the deliberately cartoonish manner of Fossil Fools. Later on, a drugged up Compson tosses the Bible and the evangelical advisor/Cabinet member out of his bedroom. "The Bible was written by Hebrews, not Americans", Compson rants. You cannot have good satire if you have contempt to downright hatred for what you are spoofing. You don't have to like the subject of parody. You don't, however, have successful parody/satire if all you do is yell and not give anyone an ounce of intelligence.

I can see why Tom Cruise would be attracted to the role, or rather, roles in Digger. He gets to go all cray-cray as Digger Rockwell, speaking and raving seven thousand miles per minute. As Digger Rockwell, Cruise can never ham it up enough to meet the demands of the role. As Curtis Markson, Cruise can have more toned-down moments. It is unfortunate that, based on his performance, Tom Cruise based Digger on The Simpsons' Rich Texan. All he needed were the two revolvers. It is not clever for "Curtis Markson" to point out that "Digger Rockwell" is cartoonish. Having the revelation that Digger IS a cartoonish version in Fossil Fools does not help. 

While Cruise as Digger did make me think of The Simpsons' Rich Texan, I also thought that he came across as a more unhinged Cyril Sneer from The Racoons. At least Cyril Sneer showed that he was a good father to Cedric. Digger's only positive was his obsessive care for his pussy, Maggie the Cat. 

I will say that Tom Cruise's performance is "correct". I will not that it is "good". He played the parts exactly as written. They were poorly written, especially Digger. Still, Cruise played them as written and directed.

I think the same goes for everyone else. John Goodman leaned in heavily on the overexaggerated caricature of President Compson. He bellowed and yelled to his heart's content. Goodman too toned it down a bit when playing the actor playing Compson. Again, like everyone else, Digger's broad, broad, broad manner was deadly. Sandra Huller, in a small role as Digger's half-sister, seemed unnecessary. I think she did her best, but there is only so much anyone can do with an underwritten role. 

Riz Ahmed is not good as Dr. Ganesh. He seemed closer to a Wes Anderson character than an Alejandro G. Iñárritu character. Jesse Plemons looked rather freakish as Kenny, part psychopath part bumbler. Sophie Wilde's Hannah just came across as a bad director.

Digger has some truly odd moments. In Digger's crazed "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!" moment with the European parliament, he makes a bizarre statement even for him. He declares that if not for him, Europeans would be "writing in Cyrillic and speaking in Mandarin". Make of that what you will.

Digger is a meandering, disjointed, self-important piece of junk. It is cinematic torture. It is a terrible shame that whatever it wanted to say about anything was drowned by its own belief in its greatness.

DIGGER: THE ANIMATED SERIES

DECISION: F

Days of Heaven: A Review

DAYS OF HEAVEN

Days of Heaven is a remarkably simple story told in a lyrical, almost poetic manner. Widely celebrated for its visual splendor, Days of Heaven does veer slightly into eccentric territory. However, it still has more than enough to make it an intelligent and beautiful viewing experience. 

Told in voiceover by young Linda (Linda Manz), we learn that her hot-tempered brother Bill (Richard Gere) murdered a foreman at the Chicago steel mill that he worked at. Linda and Bill flee to the Texas Panhandle. Joining them is Bill's long-term lover, Abby (Brooke Adams). Here, they are hired hands for The Farmer (Sam Shepard). Bill and Abby pose as brother and sister, though that does not stop whispers about their closeness from being spoken by the other temporary laborers. 

The Farmer is a quiet, retiring man. He is very wealthy. He is also very ill. The Farmer is drawn to Abby. Finding a way to make some quick cash, Bill prods Abby to encourage The Farmer's attentions. Bill has learned that The Farmer has, if he's lucky, a year to live. By the season's end, The Farmer and Abby are married. As Linda observes, however, "he didn't get sicker. He didn't get better. He stayed the same". I would say that The Farmer did actually get better, or at least no longer appeared to be at Death's door.

This frustrates Bill, who is waiting less and less patiently for the Farmer to kick the bucket. Abby, however, seems to have genuinely fallen in love with the Farmer. For his part, The Farmer begins to wonder exactly what Bill and Abby are. They seem far too close physically to be mere siblings, especially since Bill and Linda are not as affectionate as Bill and Abby are. 

Things take a strange turn after Bill departs, when a literal flying circus lands on The Farmer's land. Things take a tragic turn when locust arrive. There will be more deaths, and a sad separation for Abby and Linda, who will perhaps not stay where she is supposed to.

Days of Heaven is a quiet film. At a crisp 94 minutes, Days of Heaven is a short film. In that time, however, writer/director Terrence Malick puts in so much. The film foregoes flash for a mostly still serenity. Everything in Days of Heaven is simple. However, that should not be confused with simplistic. There is an undercurrent of tragedy and strong drama within the film's softness. 

The story is simple and direct. The performances are simple. The pacing is simple. Yet, Days of Heaven, I would argue, has great emotion within it. Sam Shepard's Farmer may be quiet and still. However, we see his genuine hurt to rage at seeing Abby's longing for her "brother". Shephard may not have been an actor at the time. Known primarily for his writing, Sam Shepard made his feature film debut in Days of Heaven. I think his relative inexperience in front of the camera helped Shepard. It made his quietness and hesitancy in approaching Abby stronger and again, simpler, in its portrayal. 

Bill is probably the most openly emotional character. He, for example, does not shrink from killing a man. However, Richard Gere was not ranting and raging as Bill. He too had a soft manner, at times almost tender. Gere showed Bill's temper, such as when he throws his food at another worker for suggesting he and Abby were far too close for brother and sister. Even here, however, there was a cool and controlled manner that fit all of Days of Heaven. 

Brooke Adams and Linda Manz as Abby and Linda also did well. Adams made Abby into a woman who did love one man and fell in love with another. The push-and-pull between Bill and The Farmer was well-played by Adams. "I think I love you", the Farmer tells Abby. She replies, quite simply but with no hint of sarcasm or amusement, "What a nice thing to say". Adams shows Abby is flattered by the comment, but neither impressed nor enthusiastic about it.

Manz was precocious without being cloying. She played Linda as a straightforward teen making sense of things. In her voiceover, she reflects on things with a slight distance. I think this is correct, to have that dispassionate tone. Linda is, in her voiceover, reflecting on those lost days. As such, it should be with that simple, direct quality. She is not speaking to us with her opinions or feelings. She is speaking to us with the facts, stripped from any emotional reflection. Bill killed a man. The Farmer did not die of his illness. These are things that happened. How Linda felt about them is secondary to her telling us what happened.

Days of Heaven is mostly now known for two elements: its score and its cinematography. Both are beautiful. Ennio Morricone received his first of an eventual six Original Score Oscar nominations for this film (finally winning for The Hateful Eight, his sixth and last nomination). Like the film itself, Morricone's music is simple, direct, lush and I would say quiet. Days of Heaven's greatest claim to fame is Nestor Almendros' cinematography, which won him the Oscar for that category. It too matches the film's manner of beautiful sedateness. 

The fiery conclusion with the locust did bring to mind The Good Earth. It is probably the most action Days of Heaven has. It leads to a tragic conclusion, but it is also visually impressive. 

I think perhaps the part where the flying circus comes to the farm might be a bit too eccentric for what we have seen. Days of Heaven had been pretty grounded until then (no pun intended). A bit where President Wilson passes by Amarillo (the closest town to them) seemed there more to let us know the time setting than anything else. 

Days of Heaven is a quiet, elegiac film. Soft and still, I think the viewer will still be rewarded by the time the film ends. These are days that are worth visiting.  

DECISION: A-

The Man Who Knew Too Much (1956): A Review

THE MAN WHO KNEW TOO MUCH (1956)

The 1956 film The Man Who Knew Too Much as a few interesting historic footnotes. It is the only remake that director Alfred Hitchcock made of his own film (the original made in 1934). It is the last Hitchcock film to win a competitive Oscar in Best Original Song. That song's title is, according to the screen credits, Whatever Will Be, Will Be. Most of us know it as Que Sera, Sera. I think more than a few people forget that Que Sera, Sera came from a Hitchcock film. We even forget that there were two songs written for The Man Who Knew Too Much. Well-acted, with an engaging story, the second version of The Man Who Knew Too Much works quite well.

American doctor Ben McKenna (James Stewart) is on holiday in exotic Marrakesh. With him are his wife, former professional singer Jo Conway (Doris Day) and their son, Hank (Christopher Olsen). Dr. McKenna had just finished off a medical convention in Paris and was showing his family where he fought in World War II. On their way, they encounter the mysterious Louis Bernard (Daniel Gelin). Bernard has a very curious fascination with the McKennas. Ben happily gives Bernard all the information he wants. Jo notices how Bernard pumps Ben for information but never reciprocates no matter how hard she tries.

In Marrakesh, the McKennas also encounter the Edward and Lucy Drayton (Bernard Miles and Brenda de Banzie). They are a British couple also staying at their hotel. The Draytons recognize Jo from her former singing career. They help Ben and Jo by showing them around and translating what they hear in French to English. That comes in handy when the four of them, along with Hank, encounter Bernard staggering towards them. He is in brown makeup, with a knife literally in the back. Bernard whispers to Ben a shocking secret: there is to be an assassination of a head of state in London. He is told to find "Ambrose Chappell". 

What Ben is not told, at least initially, is that Hank has been abducted to keep Ben quiet. Ben is forced to drug Jo before revealing that Hank has been kidnapped by the Draytons to ensure his and Jo's cooperation. This almost completely shatters Jo. However, they are determined to both rescue their son and stop the assassination. Now, it is off to London. Jo is still a wildly popular and beloved singer in Britain. She has a circle of friends eager to reunite with her and her husband. First Ben and later Jo search for "Ambrose Chappell". Jo is the one who finds that the name is not of a person but of a place. 

Hank, however, is still being held prisoner by the duplicitous Draytons. Edward is committed, but Lucy is starting to waver, the thought of harming a child playing at her conscience. Eventually, the McKennas learn that the assassination is set to take place at the Royal Albert Hall. Will they be able to stop the killing? Will they manage to also rescue Hank?

One of The Man Who Knew Too Much's strongest element is how it keeps things grounded. Ben and Jo McKenna are not superheroes. They are ordinary, average people caught up in terrifying circumstances. It speaks well of the film that Jo is the more sensible of the two. Ben is not dumb. He is, rather, very trusting and open. Jo, for her part, is quickly suspicious about Louis and aware that her husband is being duped. A good way that Hitchcock shows the dynamic is in a restaurant scene.

James Stewart has a lot of physical comedy attempting to both sit and eat. Stewart's tall, lanky frame and struggle to eat according to the local custom shows how clumsy he is. It makes the transition to making him a more forceful figure desperate to save his son all the more impressive.

The Man Who Knew Too Much also showcases Doris Day's strengths as a dramatic actress. She displays Jo's intelligence when dealing with Bernard. Her best scene, though, is when she learns that Hank has been abducted. In his efforts to protect Jo before telling her about Hank's abduction, Ben has pushed her into taking tranquilizers. The mix between her terror at hearing of her only child's fate and the drugs lulling her to sleep create a great moment. Day is excellent throughout the film. She similarly has a strong sequence at the Storm Cloud Cantata section. She shows the immense struggle between keeping silent to save her son and saying something to save the Prime Minister. 

The other performances work almost all well. Bernard Miles shifts easily between the kindly Mr. Drayton and the villainous Mr. Drayton. He makes it believable that the same man who was so helpful to Ben and Jo would not shrink from murdering a child to protect himself. Similarly, Brenda de Banzie's evolution from being cold towards Hank to realizing the evil of killing kids is strong. I was not too keen on Daniel Gelin's Louis Bernard. He seemed to try too hard to be mysteriously charming.

Music is one of The Man Who Knew Too Much's strongest points. The film introduced what would become Doris Day's signature song, Que Sera, Sera. She sings it twice, and each time its use illustrates something about the Jo character. The first time, it plays like a nice lullaby, expressing optimism. The second, it plays like a way to release tension. The joyful lyrics and melody by Jay Livingston and Ray Evans play counter to the tension of the scene.

As stated, there are actually two songs that Livingston and Evans wrote for The Man Who Knew Too Much. It is unfortunate that We'll Love Again has been pretty much forgotten, eclipsed by Que, Sera, Sera. That is understandable, as We'll Love Again plays, almost inaudibly, when Ben is cornered by the assassin in the latter's efforts to escape. The other major piece is Arthur Benjamin's Storm Cloud Cantata, the piece of music that is meant to cover the fatal gunshot. "There came a whispered terror on the breeze", the cantata begins. Intentionally or not, the Storm Cloud Cantata fits into the story. I would say that it was intentional, as the Storm Cloud Cantata was used, per my understanding, in the original version. Here, we get to see Bernard Herrmann, who wrote the remake's score, conduct. It is a nice touch to have the film's composer (and regular Hitchcock scorer) appear on screen. 

I think that John Michael Hayes' adaptation of the original version's screenplay spent too much time on the wrong "Ambrose Chappell". The fact that there was an Ambrose Chappell Senior and Junior did not help. Neither did adding what I trust were comedic elements in the taxidermist's shop involving swordfish and tigers.

That, I think, was a misstep. Still, it was a small one. The Man Who Knew Too Much works well as a thriller that keeps things going to the end. The last bit did add a nice comic punch, which was needed after all the suspense. The future may not be ours to see, but it is well worth watching The Man Who Knew Too Much.

DECISION: B+

Ace Crawford, Private Eye: Bull Bates

ACE CRAWFORD, PRIVATE EYE: BULL BATES

Written by: Ron Clark & Tim Conway

Directed by: Charles S. Dubin

Original Airdate: March 22, 1983

What would any noir detective be without a femme fatale to tempt him? Ace Crawford, Private Eye has found one in Bull Bates, the second of five episodes. Bull Bates has mud wrestling and some clever sight gags. It also, sadly, is not funny.

Gangster's moll Dee Dee Boswell (Leslie Easterbrook) is worried for her life. Her sugar daddy, notorious mobster Bull Bates (Albert Salmi) just had a witness rubbed out. She fears that she might be next on that hit parade. For help, she turns to Ace Crawford (Tim Conway), the world's greatest private eye. This gumshoe with the mind of a turnip is the only man who can help Dee Dee.

Dee Dee will help Ace get Bull's secret black book that contains all his criminal activities. Ace finds that Bull plays poker every Thursday, so he has an opening to break in a take the book. Actually, Ace sends his Guy Friday, meek accountant and eternal fanboy Toomy (Joe Regalbuto) to break into Bull's warehouse and steal the book. Ace will stay at the Club Paree, where Dee Dee mud wrestles. While poor Toomy has to evade a group of vicious dogs, Ace and Dee Dee have alone time together. Ace is not wooed by any dame no matter how hard she tries to get him to fall for her charms. However, it might be Ace who falls when Bull unexpectedly shows up at Dee Dee's dressing room. Will Ace manage to avoid getting caught? Will Toomy get the book and get out alive?

How bad does a television show have to be when having female mud wrestling does not make it watchable? It has to be Ace Crawford bad. I am not sure that I can say everyone involved in Bull Bates was trying. If they were, they were almost all trying to be bad.

The one actor who I think did give it his all to sell everything in Bull Bates and Ace Crawford overall is Joe Regalbuto. Toomy is made out to be a bit of an amiable nitwit. He bizarrely thinks that Ace is some kind of brilliant sleuth when he clearly isn't. He also has nice bits of trying to balance his actual life of a married accountant with this pseudo-exciting world of crime. 

Every time Toomy attempts to explain to Ace his job or family duties, Regalbuto gives Toomy an almost innocent manner. Toomy, as played by Regalbuto, genuinely comes across as someone who gets so wrapped up either in fear or enthusiasm about whatever he talks about. It looks like he took things seriously.

Everyone else, however, plays things as if they know they are in a spoof. The key to making a spoof work is that no one is supposed to be aware that you are in on the joke. Joe Regalbuto is the only one to make that work.

An aspect that, two episodes in, doesn't work is how Tim Conway is with everyone compared to Regalbuto's Toomy. With everyone else, Ace is if not kind, at least pleasant. He treats Bill Barty's bartender Inch and Shera Danese's sultry lounge singer Luann with courtesy, albeit with an oblivious manner. With Toomy, though, Ace is short-tempered, snappish and almost bullying. Ace clearly has no patience with Toomy or how Toomy's wife and children are suffering because of Ace's odd hold over him. This dichotomy between Ace's manner with everyone and Ace's manner with Toomy alone has a bad effect. It makes Ace a bit of a jerk to someone who is actually quite endearing.

Bull Bates, to be fair, does have some strong positives. Of particular note is a strong sight gag with mirrors. Tim Conway shows great physical comedy abilities in his various efforts to not be seen by Bull when he unexpectedly shows up at Club Paree. It ends with Ace looking as if he pulled a gun on Bull when it is actually the reverse. 

This must have been popular. This scene was accompanied by prerecorded applause, which sounds strange. The laugh track throughout does not make things funny. Oddly, both the applause and laugh track emphasize how unfunny so much of Ace Crawford is.  

As mentioned, Joe Regalbuto also brought a nice manner to Toomy. In his shock that he would have to evade the killer dogs while Ace stays with Dee Dee, Regalbuto never goes for broad farce or excessive stupidity.

Unfortunately, everything else is not good. Leslie Easterbrook and Tim Conway have a particularly painful scene in Dee Dee's dressing room. She is meant to accidentally pour beer onto Ace. As performed by Easterbrook and directed by Charles S. Dubin, it is obvious that everyone is aware of this gag. It is both poorly directed and poorly acted.

There is another painful scene where Dee Dee is telling Ace her plight. Luann is walking around with her microphone across the bar. The gag is that everyone is oblivious that Dee Dee and Ace are revealing dangerous information directly into the microphone while Luann is singing. No one plays this with any sense of believability even in something as broad as Ace Crawford, Private Eye. In short, they are trying too hard and it shows. 

Lines that are supposed to be clever in showing off the film noir spoof come across as painful. "You and clothes go together like a tuna sandwich and a glass of milk", Ace tells the lovelorn Luann. I know it is meant as a spoof of hardboiled dialogue. It just sound dumb no matter how you cut it. Another supposed comedy bit is when Dee Dee comments on Ace's physical allure. "You lookers are all alike. You know you can get any piece of candy in town", she tells him. "Yeah, maybe I don't have a sweet tooth", he replies.   

I can give some grudging respect to Albert Salmi's Bull Bates, who did play the role as broad as possible. He made Bull's idiocy passable.

Bull Bates has a big plus in the clever mirror sight gag. It gets a point knocked down because of the poor direction. Mud wrestling is not a thing anymore. Bull Bates and Ace Crawford, Private Eye show they were never a thing to start with. 

3/10

Next Episode: Inch in a Pinch

The Woman in the Yard: A Review (Review #2227)

THE WOMAN IN THE YARD

What could be scarier than a creepy woman, cloaked all in black, sitting ominously outside one's house? My guess would be just about anything. The Woman in the Yard attempts to be eerie and ominous. It ends up being both unintentionally hilarious and surprisingly insensitive towards a serious topic. 

Ramona (Danielle Deadwyler) is a physical and psychological mess. Recently widowed, she cannot escape the video memories of her late husband David (Russell Horsby). Judging from appearances, she would like to escape her teenage son Taylor or Tay (Peyton Jackson) and her younger daughter Annie (Estella Kahiha). They live on an isolated farm that was never formally named. They have little food, virtually no money to pay the various utilities, and one dog. 

Out of nowhere, a woman covered all in black appears near their house. Ramona goes to confront "the woman in the yard" but finds that said woman (Okwui Okpokwasili) is not easily persuaded to leave. In fact, The Woman tells Ramona that "today is the day". Tay is all for getting rid of "Miss Weirdo Funeral Lady". Ramona, however, insists that she can take care of it. We don't know how given that they have no telephone service and apparently have little to no communication with any neighboring farms. 

It becomes a game of supernatural cat-and-mouse where one wonders which one of the two women is the more bonkers one. Is it the creepy creature sitting in her noir ensemble, or is it the mother who fantasizes about stabbing her daughter in the back? Not is all at it appears to be, especially when we flash back to David's death. 

He was killed in a car accident that left Ramona injured. However, we learn that Ramona was deeply unhappy with her life? Could the accident have been a failed suicide attempt? Only the woman in the yard knows, and she tells all to Tay. We discover that both the woman in the yard and Ramona are truly connected, but will the former manage to get the latter to join David in the afterlife?

Perhaps I can find how The Woman in the Yard had a very small cast something to admire. Other than that, I think I'm pretty out of things to admire or like about this film. I do not know if screenwriter Sam Stefanak and director Jaume Collet-Serra thought some tall woman skulking about a front yard would send chills. I was too busy wondering why, given her leg injury, Ramona wouldn't have done better to stay on the ground floor instead of schlepping up and down the stairs. I think Collet-Serra wanted to compensate for the lack of frights by filming much of The Woman in the Yard with various Dutch angles and with rapid editing. 

It did not work for Battlefield Earth. It did not work for The Woman in the Yard. 

Perhaps the point of The Woman in the Yard was not that it was scary. In that case, the film succeeded beyond the hopes of anyone involved. I think that The Woman in the Yard fancied itself a metaphysical exploration of grief and the evil lure of suicide. If memory serves correct, the film ends with information about how to contact suicide prevention. If that was the intention, I find another problem with the film.

Suicide is a very serious topic. It has devastated millions of lives. Treating suicide, even unintentionally, as something prompted by otherworldly figures is very troubling to me. I am deeply uncomfortable with that idea. I am also deeply troubled when any film puts children in danger. The Woman in the Yard has a sequence where it looks like Ramona is stabbing Annie. We quickly see that she is really stabbing a pillow and that Annie is safe. Still, no matter how disturbed Ramona may be, the entire concept of killing your children is not something I would put in a supposed supernatural film.

Stefanak's screenplay is pretty much a mess. It certainly isn't subtle. Late in the film during a flashback to the fatal car crash, we see the title The Mirror Has Two appear reflected on the passenger side. I presume that the film was The Mirror Has Two Faces. Granted, I have yet to see the Barbra Streisand film as of today. However, I don't exactly know what exactly a film I was led to think was a romantic comedy has to do with supernatural figures urging women to kill themselves. I figure that the title was used to flash "SYMBOLISM" in our face.

It might have done better not to flash so many lights in the third act. At this point, the title character has now been able to enter the house and is threatening everyone inside. I figure that we are supposed to be frightened to terrified. However, the thing that is supposed to make things scary doesn't. It really is just hard to follow with a lot of flashing lights all over the place. It reminds of those low-rent amusement carnivals that had those haunted houses. If I understand Ramona's motives, she opts to, perhaps unintentionally, kill poor David because she fills unfulfilled and is unhappy with her life.

This is not exactly a strong motive for murder. Ramona can change her life. She does not have to kill her husband or herself to do so. It does also lead to a moment that did make me chuckle. "But if you want things to get better, you've got to dig deeper", David tells her before he dies. I just wondered, "where was Mama Odie when you need her?" 

I think The Woman in the Yard tried too hard to be twisty when it just ended up muddled. That third act is just so convoluted that one has completely lost interest.

It also does not help that The Woman in the Yard has some absolutely terrible performances. Danielle Deadwyler had a tough act to follow after Till. We were incessantly told how Deadwyler gave the single greatest acting performance in all human history in Till. I suppose that it would be impossible to reach such grand heights after giving the most brilliant, awe-inspiring acting performance ever captured or likely ever to be captured on camera for Till. Now, I think that The Woman in the Yard showed that she could not muster a second greatest acting performance in all human history. I never felt Ramona was a troubled, grieving figure trying to keep it all together. I thought she was a mean, bossy, abusive figure to her kids. 

Both Peyton Jackson and Estella Kahiha looked bored and lost in The Woman in the Yard. There was no emotion in their performances. Okwui Okpokwasili, I figure, might have been having some fun coming across as a demonic Miss Grace Jones, skulking and posing all over the place. I will give Jackson a bit of credit for making me laugh after he shouts, "She's on crazy pills!" when it came to his mother. 

Suicide is a serious topic, one that should be handled with finesse. The Woman in the Yard, to my mind, used it as a plot device to what we were led to think was a horror film. I do not think that the two mix, at least here. The Woman in the Yard is not scary. It is not insightful. It is not well-acted. If I were to find anything good in it, at least it was short at around 89 minutes. Try as the film did, one cannot make black-cloaked ladies into something to fear. 

DECISION: F

Two Girls and a Sailor: A Review (Review #2226)

TWO GIRLS AND A SAILOR

In terms of an all-star cast, you can turn to Two Girls and a Sailor. Jose Iturbe! Gracie Allen! Harry James AND Xavier Cugat! Lena Horne! An uncredited Ava Gardner! All in one film, where they don't add much if anything to the thin plot. Two Girls and a Sailor may not be original or good. It has not one but two of my least favorite performers from the so-called Golden Age of film. It is also longer than what the thin plot can hold. It is, however, a nice time capsule of World War II America, where big numbers make up for odd stories.

The Deyo Sisters were practically born in a trunk. Older sister Jean has always been protecting younger sister Patsy, down to always pulling Patsy's thumb out of her mouth. Their parents are hoofers, but somewhere along the line their mother died and their father retired. They do meet a fellow vaudevillian, Billy Kipp (Jimmy Durante). He is fond of the girls, but he too disappears from the stage. 

Now, it is the war, and Jean Deyo (June Allyson) and Patsy Deyo (Gloria DeHaven) are making their way on the vaudeville circuit. They have a regular gig at a club where Harry James and Xavier Cugat and their respective bands perform. This floor show can go from the Deyo Sisters doing a lively number to James blowing on his horn to Cugat taking that song to a Latin beat. Jean is also desperate to keep Patsy from falling for every guy who so much as smiles in her general direction. She has to watch over her lovesick sister in both Augustas (Maine and Georgia). Despite this curious friction, the sisters are devoted to each other.

They are also devoted to the various servicemen who go to the club. Jean and Patsy invite dozens of soldiers, sailors and Marines to their apartment virtually every night. No, not for wild orgies, but for song, dance, coffee and donuts (with some booze and sandwiches thrown in). The girls love having the boys over, down to inviting them when they stand outside the club after the show ends. One of those boys is Frank Miller (Tom Drake), a nice, soft-spoken Texan boy. Another is "Johnny" (Van Johnson), a seemingly shy sailor. In reality, Johnny is John Dykman Brown III, a scion of a very wealthy family. Romances soon start tangling themselves when Patsy falls for Johnny who in turn falls for Jean. Jean too is smitten with Johnny. Frank is in the background, pining for Patsy and I think Jean too.

Jean and Patsy want to open a canteen for servicemen but don't have the money for it. Miraculously, cash comes their way from a mysterious benefactor they nickname "Somebody". This allows them to buy a warehouse they've had their eyes on for some time. They also are astonished to find Billy Kipp there, hiding out after his wife and son left him. The Deyo Sisters open up their canteen, and new romantic entanglements come about. Who will end up with whom? Who is the creepy kid hovering around, who can do a surprising jitterbug? 

Two Girls and a Sailor runs a little over two hours. The Richard Connell and Gladys Lehman screenplay, which was Oscar-nominated, seems too thin to hold a surprisingly simple love quadrangle. That isn't to say that there are not funny moments and lines in Two Girls and a Sailor. Commenting on one of Patsy's potential suitors, Jean remarks that he has "not much hair and too much stomach". When Jean pulls Patsy away from a Latin suitor, Patsy replies, "I was just trying to be a good neighbor". The Good Neighbor Policy found itself namechecked a few times in the film. After Harry James' all-American number, the stage shifts to welcome "our good neighbor, Xavier Cugat". 

To be fair, the visual transition from James to Cugat is a very good transition. Two Girls and a Sailor also has a nice small running gag where Patsy makes impromptu wishes that do come true when it comes to furnishing their canteen. After finding the sad and lonely Billy Kipp, he tells them that he has been squatting in the abandoned warehouse, calling himself "a hermit without a permit". We have a nice montage where various servicemen are invited to the newly opened canteen. "Hey soldiers, food!", a soldier tells his fellow troops. "Hey sailors, drink!", a Navy seaman shouts to his fellow sailors. "Hey Marines, GIRLS!", a third branch calls out. 

In the surprisingly surreal dream sequence Jean has, we have a brief appearance by Ava Gardner as one of the beauties on parade. We also end it with a catfight between Jean and Patsy over Johnny, which I did find funny.

Personally, I find it puzzling that any woman, let alone two, would fight to get at Van Johnson when the much prettier Tom Drake is around. Here is where I will confess that Johnson is one of the two of those mentioned least favorite figures. The other is June Allyson, whose popularity despite (or perhaps because of) her foghorn voice never ceases to puzzle me. I have to be fair in that Allyson was not bad in the film. She had a nice comic manner whenever pulling Patsy out of romantic escapades (and taking Patsy's thumb out of her mouth). However, when she has to perform, such as when she sings Young Man with a Horn to Harry James (who is the title figure), I remember why I dislike her so much. Fair is fair, though, and she was able to cut a rug with a minor character who did nothing but skulk around and frankly gave me the creeps.

Van Johnson's stardom is more puzzling than Allyson's. Two Girls and a Sailor did not show him to be particularly good. He seemed oddly ill at ease whenever he had to woo one or the other. He also seemed an odd fit for someone who was supposed to be a man-about-town mistaken for a poor sailor. Gloria DeHaven, the third figure in our sister act, was quite nice as the perpetually lovestruck Patsy.

I was surprised that Jimmy Durante could show off some dramatic chops in the film. The Great Schnozzola could rattle off lines and songs with his legendary grand manner. He even managed to get his theme song of Inka Dinka Doo into the film. However, when he talks about the reasons that he went into hiding and gave up his career, it was surprisingly moving. He had a few quips while delivering his dramatic monologue. That did not lessen the emotional impact of a man regretting his lost child.

Even if the picture of said child had a honker just like dear old dad.

I think that if one watches Two Girls and a Sailor, it should be as a way to study what and who were popular at the time it was made. The film is full of musical numbers that bear absolutely no relevance to the plot. I figure that many people today would not know who Harry James or Xavier Cugat are. To be fair, James has a few lines, even if he is playing "Harry James". Other musical performers like Ben Blue and the Wilde Sisters would have been wildly popular at the time but would elicit puzzled looks today. It is nice to see Carlos Ramirez sing Granada. It is also hard to imagine that viewers would know the song more than they would the performer.

Normally, shoehorning Lena Horne (billed as a "Specialty") would be a source of criticism. She appears near the end of Two Girls and a Sailor to sing Paper Doll. However, given the structure of Two Girls and a Sailor, I think this would be a rare case where her specific number being cut would not be motivated by racism; many musical numbers could have been cut without interrupting the flow of the story. 

A surprisingly long section that I figure could have served better as a short is Gracie Allen's performance of Concerto for Index Finger. The number itself is amusing. However, like almost all the musical segments in Two Girls and a Sailor, it is just there.

Two Girls and a Sailor could have been shorter. However, I think the point is to have the film loaded with big musical numbers ranging from Latin to jitterbug. Apart from Durante and DeHaven, the film is not particularly well-acted. Still, as a period piece of World War II America, Two Girls and a Sailor is a nice portrait of the times. 

DECISION: C+