King Kong Lives: A Review

 

KING KONG LIVES

The 1976 King Kong remake has been, in my opinion, unfairly bashed as terrible. It is not a good film, but I find it oddly entertaining and much better than the second remake. I had heard of King Kong Lives but was too young at the time to see it. Moreover, what little I knew was due to Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert's extremely negative review. Now, through the magic of streaming, I have seen King Kong Lives. Living up to its reputation, King Kong Lives is a mix of the 1976 and 2005 versions. It is terrible (2005) but oddly entertaining (1976). 

A decade after King Kong fell to his apparent death from the World Trade Center, we find that he is not dead. He is in a coma, kept alive artificially at the Atlanta Institute, a rival to MIT and Harvard. Dr. Amy Franklin (Linda Hamilton) has an artificial heart ready for Kong, but due to his decade-long coma, he needs a blood transfusion to have the artificial heart work. It is not, however, like there are giant apes running around somewhere, right?

Of course, wrong. Explorer Hank Mitchell (Brian Kerwin) just happened to stumble onto a giant monkey in Borneo. He offers "Lady Kong" to the institute for a price. Price met, Mitch flies Lady Kong to what I presume is Atlanta so Mr. Kong can have transfusion and his new heart.

It gets sillier from here. 

Unsurprisingly, Dr. Franklin strongly objects to having a female Kong so close to a male Kong, fearing they will go ape for each other. Unsurprisingly, Dr. Franklin and white hunter Mitchell also go ape for each other. King Kong is so aroused by Lady Kong's scent that he storms his way to her. The search for this ape allows Franklin and Mitchell to storm their way to each other. Lady Kong is recaptured, King Kong hides out in the Georgia swamps, is captured by rednecks whom he devours, then they are reunited in time for Lady Kong to give birth to Son of Kong. Will the family Kong (King, Lady and Donkey) manage to escape?

King Kong Lives and the 1976 King Kong have one thing in common: both are blessed with a musical score that is so far above the film itself. John Scott's score is wonderful, flowing and enjoyable. He created luxurious romantic music when we see scenes of romance. It is not his fault, though, that the romantic music played when King and Lady Kong finally set eyes on each other.

There is something absolutely and oddly hilarious about lush music when you see two adults in ape costumes making googly-eyes at each other. That director John Guillermin never saw just how odd to laughable the mix of music and images come across makes one wonder whether he and everyone involved in King Kong Lives was bonkers. These love scenes between the Kongs are just weird. The love scene between Franklin and Mitchell are not far behind. The dialogue by Ronald Shusett and Steven Pressfield does not help. Just as Mitchell is to start making love to Amy, he says, "Are you sure about this?". Her response? "We're primates too", she whispers.

Why these two fell so suddenly in love King Kong Lives does not bother explaining. How King Kong lives all these years King Kong Lives does not bother explaining. Why King Kong lives at all King Kong Lives does not bother explaining. What is the plan once the heart transplant goes? What are they going to do with Kong after he recovers from surgery? There's no setup, so there are no stakes. It is all very strange to idiotic. 

About the only moment of wit is when the Army comes to the Georgian backwaters to find dozens of rednecks with their shotguns looking for a giant ape that has managed to hide in various swamps. "What the hell is this: Deliverance?" one of them says. 

Over and over again, the strange blending of music and imagery makes King Kong Lives look bad and unintentionally funny. At least, I think it was not meant to be funny. Late in the film, there's a scene where Kong is rampaging through a small town. There is an old man with a shotgun apparently just shooting around in random. Everything here is hilarious. A later scene at a family reunion hoedown is equally bizarre. We see the Kongs walking towards them, the hootenanny oblivious to these giant creatures coming their way. "You never know who's going to show up in our of these family reunions, do you?" one of them says to the other as we see the Kongs coming closer and closer.

I get what King Kong Lives was going for. I also get that they were too obvious and forced about it to make it funny. Funny is when Lady Kong grabs Mitchell. I almost expected her to say how she would hug him and squeeze him and call him "George". The scene where King Kong chomps down on an alligator while a frog looks on is inexplicable to me. Throwing in gruesome endings for some of the rednecks is appalling.  

King Kong Lives was made after The Terminator. As such, why Linda Hamilton opted to use what cache she earned from The Terminator to star in this rubbish I can only guess at. She looks blank throughout, making the idea that she is a brilliant physician frankly ludicrous. Kerwin is no better, attempting "brash and daring" and ending up looking desperate, confused and embarrassed. John Ashton as barking Lt. Col. Nevitt was a stereotype, almost always yelling out his lines and chomping the scenery with crazed abandon.

The 1976 King Kong won a special Academy Award for its Visual Effects, which I find strange given how poor the VFX were in King Kong. They are Lord of the Rings quality compared to the simply awful VFX in King Kong Lives. Even 1940's B-pictures had better rear screen projections than King Kong Lives. The two people playing Kong and Lady Kong (Peter Elliot and George Yiasomo respectively) running around in what are meant to be mountains look so idiotically fake that even children would say it was a set. When Nevitt meets his end, everything about it is bad: the acting, the look, the end results. 

There is no reason for King Kong Lives. Minus the music everything in King Kong Lives is dreadful. Despite that, I did not hate King Kong Lives. It is just short of being so bad that it's good. It is more "so bad that it's watchable if you want to laugh at how bad it all is". King Kong Lives, but one wishes he had stayed most sincerely dead. 

DECISION: D-    

The Golden Girls: Nice and Easy

 

THE GOLDEN GIRLS: NICE AND EASY

Written by: Stuart Silverman

Directed by: Terry Hughes

Airdate: February 1, 1986

There are some family traditions that perhaps should not be followed, such as promiscuity. Nice and Easy takes a character's familiar trait, amplifies it onto a new character, and gives us both funny moments and insight into the original character. 

Blanche Deveraux (Rue McClanahan) is excited to have her favorite niece Lucy (Hallie Todd) come to visit and perhaps transfer to a local university. When Lucy arrives, she tells Aunt Blanche that she met a gorgeous doctor on the plane and wants to go out with him. Blanche is thrilled that her unofficial protege is modeling herself on her. Her delight increases when Lucy tells her that she is flying to the Bahamas with Michael. That delight is short-lived, however, when her housemate Dorothy Zbornak (Bea Arthur) tells Blanche that Michael is not the doctor. He's her college interviewer, whom Lucy met hours ago. In the words of Dorothy's mother, Sophia Petrillo (Estelle Getty), "Girl's a slut". 

Blanche's shock turns to anger when Lucy comes to the house late at night to pick up some things before going with Ed Collins (Ken Stovitz), a Miami vice officer who arrested Michael for drug smuggling. As Blanche cooly says, Ed picking up Michael was Ed doing his job. Lucy picking up Ed was something entirely different. A defiant Lucy storms out with Ed to his place. Blanche, Dorothy, Sophia and Rose Nylund (Betty White) go to Ed's apartment, where Blanche explains to Lucy that there is a difference between enjoying men and letting men enjoy her. Reconciled, they all go back home.

In a subplot, Dorothy is appalled to find a rat in the house. Rose is adamant about not killing the rat, insisting that she could communicate with animals. It turns out that maybe Dorothy can too, delighting Rose and irritating Dorothy. Will Dorothy have the heart to kill a living thing and a fellow mammal?

We learn that Blanche has a niece, though how exactly Lucy connects to the Widow Deveraux we do not know. Judging from the dialogue, Lucy is either Charmaine or Virginia's daughter since Blanche asks Lucy if her "mother" would let her do something. I lean towards Lucy's mother being Charmaine because Blanche, after reciting some of her wild antics in her rebellious stage, says that she had her big sister Charmaine to pull her out of her excesses. We also learn about Tyler's Landing, the flashy, seedy town near Rose's hometown, still unnamed but presumably "Little Falls". 

I found three sections from Nice and Easy that are cut from reruns. There is a section where Rose expands on her ability to go all Doctor Doolittle. There is additional dialogue about Lucy's romp with both the doctor and Michael that is cut. The scene where Blanche is told about how promiscuous and wanton Lucy is gets removed too. It is a shame that these sections are not usually broadcast given that Arthur has one of the best lines here. As Rose goes on about her ability to talk to the animals, Arthur gives White a perfect deadpan look and says, "Rose, do you have any idea how weird you are?". 

Nice and Easy is hilarious and heartfelt. It is nice to see Blanche shocked by someone even more promiscuous than herself. Despite her own reputation as a woman of easy virtue, not even Blanche would go to bed with three different men in the course of forty-eight hours. She is appalled by this behavior, revealing another side to our Southern vixen. 

The episode gives insight into Blanche's worldview. As she tells Lucy, Blanche does enjoy the company of men and isn't ashamed of it; however, when Blanche submits to a man it is because she like him, not because she wants him to like her. Blanche pointedly tells Lucy that men do not find Lucy attractive but available. Blanche shows Lucy that their differences with men comes down to control: Blanche has it, Lucy does not. 

McClanahan plays this so very well, and Nice and Easy is a very good performance from her. Her scene with Todd is wonderful. She also has a great scene when countering Rose's story of when she went to meet up with a boy in Tyler's Landing which somehow evolved into her whole family becoming Lutherans. Her defiant recitation of her outrageous escapades from running off with an older man for a quickie marriage to performing as a Rockette under an assumed name is well acted.

White is also strong in Nice and Easy. She has a memorable moment when matching wits with Ed Collins, Miami Vice. One is surprised to learn that Rose Nylund adores the cop show Miami Vice, the mix of sweet, naive Rose delving into the criminal world of Miami a bit startling. The delight she has in answering Ed's allegedly difficult questions is wonderful. She also is great when doing her own oddball version of Our Town in her tale of the sordid love triangle Reverend McKenzie, Millie Beasley and her husband Emmett. 

Arthur has less to do, primarily relegated to the battle between Dorothy and the mouse. However, when she is talking to the rat, begging him to go so that she will not have to kill it, Arthur is extremely funny. Getty is able to rattle off some zingers in a strong way. There is when she declares Lucy a slut. After Dorothy tells Lucy that they loved having her, Sophia remarks, "So did half of Miami" in a somewhat audible way. 

Stovitz played the part of the himbo Ed very well, this young man so dumb that he modeled his life after the Sonny Crockett character without realizing it was all fantasy. His total idiocy outdid Rose, though to be fair Rose was merely naive and literal while Ed was just a moron. Todd did well, though I felt her Southern accent was a bit overdone. 

Nice and Easy is funny and moving, with the story moving well and with good performances. 

I wonder if Coco would have pointed out how so many men love Lucy. 

8/10

Next Episode: The Operation

Twisters: A Review

 

TWISTERS

I am not so enamored with nostalgia that I look on Twister as a good film. It is serviceable, entertaining, and mild escapist fare. We now, almost thirty years later, have something of a Twister sequel. Twisters is not original, not well-acted, at times laughable. In other words, it is serviceable, entertaining and mild escapist fare.

Plucky Kate Carter is part of the Tornado Tamer Project, a do-it-yourself group of tornado hunters who want to save lives and get funding. They come close to success when they find themselves caught in an EF5 tornado, the most destructive. Three of her colleagues are swept up into the storm and killed, including her boyfriend. Only she and her other male friend Javi survive.

Five years later, Kate (Daisy Edgar-Jones) is working for the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration in New York and still dealing with the post-traumatic stress from her experience. Into her world returns Javi (Anthony Ramos) with a job offer. He works for Storm Par, a company that is attempting to get better data on tornadoes. Kate decides to come out of retirement to go back into the field.

The field has changed dramatically since her high school sojourns. Now Storm Par and their ilk have to deal with brash figures such as Tyler Owens (Glen Powell), who dubs himself the Tornado Wrangler. Cocky and self-assured, Owens has built up his fame with a passionate fanbase that buys his T-shirts and mugs, quoting his phrase, "If you feel it, CHASE IT!". Javi's coworker Scott (David Corenswet) and the other Storm Par employees have nothing but contempt for these "hillbillies with a YouTube channel" as one of the Storm Par employees calls them. Kate, however, does not dismiss Tyler completely.

It becomes a battle between the Tornado Wrangler and the Tornado Whisperer for supremacy over the whirlwinds. Who is the mysterious figure Javi is working for, who swoops into devastated towns with apparently generous offers for the land? Is there more to Tyler Owens apart from his overall lusciousness? Who will live and who will die, who will fall in love and who will fall from the sky?

 I don't know if it is relevant or not, but I was surprised that Twisters stars Glen Powell and Daisy Edgar-Jones would have little to no memory of Twister or its impact on the public at the time.  Powell was a mere eight years old when Twister was released. Edgar-Jones was not even born yet (she was born two years after Twister premiered). Again, it might not be important, and it probably isn't. It just surprised me that for a film that in part rides on a Twister nostalgia, those involved with Twisters have little to no connection to the source material.

In a sense that is good. Twisters is not riding on the Twister coattails save for name recognition. We were spared any connection to the past. Twisters works separate from Twister, which again I think is good.

However, we do not have a flying cow, which for reasons I never understood was one of the things people were anticipating when watching Twister. Mark L. Smith's screenplay is a textbook example of how lazy and unoriginal a film can be. When Kate goes back into the field, Javi runs down the various Storm Par storm chasers. We learn what schools and government administrations they came from. We just never learned their names save for Scott, whom Javi introduces by name. Instantly, I knew that the other Storm Par people were unimportant, irrelevant and would soon be forgotten. 

I was right: by the time we get to the final storm, we see only Javi and Scott. Where the other Storm Par people are, who knows and who cares.

Compare that with the Tornado Wrangler crew. We learn all their names, even if they were forgotten for long sections of Twisters. They were just there to contrast to the Storm Par crew: the former were wild, wacky and fun, the latter stern and serious. Whom were we supposed to like: the always excited and shouty Boone (Brandon Perea) or the mean, arrogant and snobbish Scott? The contrast is given by how both groups respond to a devastated community. Storm Par starts looking for people to make low bids on their property to. Tornado Wrangler and Company, we learn, sells those tacky t-shirts to provide funds for storm relief. One of the Tornado Wrangler crew, Lily (Sasha Lane) even offers free food and water to Kate, informing her of the Tornado Wrangler's charitable work.

The Tornado Wrangler does not launch fireworks into tornadoes for clicks or subscribers or fame. He does it because he cares. Given the devastation those who survived tornadoes would have endured, would it not make more sense for the Tornado Wrangler to just ask his followers to donate to established relief organizations rather than use proceeds from those t-shirts with his name and face on them to help out? That bit of information was thrown in just to make Owens and his team sympathetic. 

That effort to compare and contrast Tornado Wrangler to Storm Par is not necessarily insulting, but apart from Powell's pretty face and good physique, I don't think I could muster any interest in the Tornado Wrangler's hijinks. Why not have Storm Par and Tornado Wrangler join forces: the former's scientific know-how with the latter's derring-do? 

It is curious that despite the advances in technology, I found the visual effects in Twisters rather rote and almost boring. Part of it might be due to director Lee Isaac Chung, who kept things at a distance. Part of it, though, came from how uninvolved everyone was. I put aside how those at the rodeo and farmers market apparently never experienced a tornado despite living in Tornado Alley. None of them, for example, seemed to know what to do when a twister came their way. Apparently, they would have rodeos and farmers markets despite the high probability of tornadoes coming their way. Yet I digress.

The VFX left me cold. What I figure was meant to be tense and exciting was anything but. As Tyler and Katie race across an exploding oil refinery, I felt nothing. As Tyler holds on to Lily to stop her from being swept away, all I kept wondering is exactly how strong physically is Tyler to withstand wind speeds greater than 322 MPH. Early on, I don't know if the goal was to have me laugh when Katie's early crew gets swept away. Her boyfriend telling her he's got her then instantly flying off had me suppress my laughter. One of her compatriots whose name I didn't bother remembering (which Twisters wasn't going to give much time to anyone), I referred to as "Harriet Potter" due to the physical resemblance. 

The VFX in short were not impressive. The vehicle crashing into the pool was not flying cow.

Twisters is also poorly acted. Perea came across as annoying as Boone, forever screaming enthusiastic. British reporter Ben (Harry Hayden-Paton) was a stock character veering on stereotype: the uptight Brit unaware of things. Edgar-Jones did fine as the plucky scientist slowly coming out of her trauma. It was not something great, especially when attempting to show her grief late in the film. It was okay, a word I hate using but struggling to find another that works. Powell was all hunky and took a stab at being vulnerable. He was better when he was cocky than when he was not. Ramos looked blank and at times was too restrained. It is curious that when he reprimands Katie for making a major mistake due to her PSTD, he was actually mild versus genuinely angry.

Twisters used good music, but to punctuate the scenes with "appropriate" songs is lazy. Why did we have to have (Ghost) Riders in the Sky play when the Tornado Wrangler is chasing the storm? Playing a song called Out of Oklahoma play when Katie finally sees her mother Cathy (Maura Tierney) is too on the nose. 

Twisters is passable entertainment, but I found the original to be better on almost every level. It's fine, and I guess that is fine. 

DECISION: C-

The Golden Girls: The Truth Will Out

THE GOLDEN GIRLS: 

THE TRUTH WILL OUT

Written by: Susan Beavers

Directed by: Terry Hughes

Airdate: January 18, 1986

Many family issues and struggles result from one source: money. The Truth Will Out is, in retrospect, not a sign of a daughter's greed so much as disappointment. I see it with new eyes, making a case that a character long thought of as evil is actually misunderstood.

Rose Nylund (Betty White) is both happy and worried about an upcoming family visit. Her daughter Kirsten (Christina Belford) and granddaughter Charley (Brigette Andersen) are coming, but it is not just a friendly stopover. Kirsten is executrix of Rose's will, so she is coming in part to look over the estate papers. That is what worries Rose. For her part, Rose's housemate Blanche Deveraux (Rue McClanahan) is more interested in a high society murder case to give much thought to whatever deep, dark Nylund family secrets there may be.

Secrets there are as Kirsten is upset to angry that her mother's estate does not have the millions that Kirsten's late father made. Rose tells Kirsten that she squandered the money on bad investments and get-rich-quick schemes, but the truth is much simpler. Rose, however, does not want to tell Kirsten out of fear of some kind. However, when Rose learns from her late husband's namesake that the only things she knows about Charlie is that he was handsome and very rich, she decides it is time for the truth. Charlie Nylund was not a good businessman. A mix of incompetence and generosity left him not broke but with few assets at the time of his death. Reconciled, Kirsten and Rose go to lunch, figuring the estate can cover a meal for three.

This is the first time we meet one of Rose's children and grandchildren. Rose has mentioned that she has a son, but Kirsten is one of the few Nylund children to pop up on the series. It is unclear whether Kirsten is married or not. They do still live in Minnesota, if not necessarily "Little Falls" (I don't think "St. Olaf" has been mentioned yet). Kirsten seems sensible and rational, making it strange to think she emerged from what Dorothy in the future would refer to as "the cradle of idiocy". As a side note, presuming that Alma Lindstrom, last seen in Blanche and the Younger Man, was still alive during the events of The Truth Will Out, Charley would have known her great-grandmother. 

There is only one section cut from The Truth Will Out in repeats. It is before Kirsten and Charley arrive where Blanche shows off some new purchases, Sophia keeps getting Charlie (the husband) and Charley (the granddaughter) mixed up and more about the murder case Blanche is obsessed with. She can't be that obsessed though, for despite it being the "Duncan Osgood" case, she at another time calls it the "Paxton Osgood" case. 

I think there is a sense among Golden Girls fans that Kirsten is basically a bitch for being so harsh against Rose over her lack of inheritance. I initially did not think well of Kirsten's reaction to finding out that she will not be living on easy street after her mother drops dead. I do still think that Kirsten was terribly wrong in emphasizing to Charley that Charlie Nylund was "very, very rich". Up to a point, I can see why she did. In The Truth Will Out, Rose mentions how Charlie was away from home so often due to work that he and the kids did not know each other as much as they would have liked. Still a bad thing to emphasize to your daughter on how their grandfather was loaded and they would be too once Grandmama kicked the bucket. 

Having a little more distance and perspective, I think Kirsten was somewhat right to be upset. I picture that Kirsten thought that with the inheritance she thought she would collect from the estate she could provide better and more to Charley. In short, she, I think, was counting on the money for her and Charley's future. Therefore, finding out that there was no money would devastate her dreams and plans. I can see now why she would be upset if we apply that thinking.

Still does not make it right to cut off your own mother because you are not getting more money, but it does not sound so cruel or arrogant if you look at it from that perspective. Your kids should be your top priority. Rose lied about the millions Charlie had in a way to protect him and make him successful to his kids. Kirsten may have wanted the money she thought she would get to provide for Charley. It also altered the way Kirsten saw both her parents, so I can somewhat see why Kirsten reacted as she did. 

Again, to cut your parent off over money is cruel, but looking at it again, I think Kirsten has gotten a bit of a bum rap over the will. 

On the whole, I think the performances are quite good. Belford has a more patrician air than I imagine someone who would be Rose's daughter would. Belford did well in more amusing moments such as presenting Dorothy and Blanche some very sweet logs. However, it was mostly drama that Belford had to do, and I think she did well. I thought Andersen was cute without being cloying. Her scene with White in which Charley discusses her childish ideas about going on a date with a prince or telling Rose all she knows about Grandpa were strong.

As a side note, Brigette Andersen died at 21 due to a heroin overdose. Seeing this sweet, adorable child give a good performance while knowing her ultimate fate makes it hard to watch. 

White again gave an excellent performance. She has the naive Rose who does not realize that the sugary logs are distasteful. She also has a more dramatic side, where she confesses the truth about Charlie. 

It is unfortunate that McClanahan, Arthur and Getty had less to do. To be fair, Arthur has a great moment where she attempts to dissuade Rose from giving out too much information by faking sleep only to reveal that she was perfectly awake. Getty too managed to throw out some good lines, such as when she is told by Rose that she and Charley are having a makeup lesson. "I hope the kid can help you. You wear more rogue than Miss Piggy", Sophia tells her. However, McClanahan had little to do but go on about the "Duncan/Paxton Osgood case". 

The Truth Will Out is an episode I saw with a new perspective. I grew less hostile to Kirsten Nylund. No, not sympathetic or thinking that she was in the right. However, I think she is not the monster many think she is. Well-acted though with the flaw of the Osgood case, The Truth Will Out works well. 

If Charley needed makeup tips, I figure Coco would have been as helpful to her as Rose would have been.     

7/10

Next Episode: Nice and Easy

The Golden Girls: In A Bed of Rose's

THE GOLDEN GIRLS: IN A BED OF ROSE'S

Written by: Susan Harris

Directed by: Terry Hughes

Airdate: January 11, 1986

For being the most innocent and least sexually experienced of the four Golden Girls, Rose Nylund (Betty White) has the worst luck whenever she indulges in the pleasures of the flesh. Her beloved husband Charlie died while they were making love. Now in In a Bed of Rose's, she faces the same scenario with a more shocking twist. Yes, more shocking than having a lover die with her in bed. Allowing Rose to have outrageous and tender moments, In a Bed of Rose's takes what should be a serious situation and makes it hilarious.

Rose Nylund finds herself in a strange situation when she brings her latest beau Al Beatty (Richard Roat) home with her. This is the first time she has ever brought a potential lover back to her home and she is concerned that her other housemates will discover her liaison. Al assures her that he will be quiet, but the next morning two of her housemates, Blanche Deveraux (Rue McClanahan) and Dorothy Zbornak (Bea Arthur) comment about all the racket they heard from her bedroom last night. Whether Dorothy's mother, Sophia Petrillo (Estelle Getty) heard Rose's "nightmare" is unknown. Sophia, however, does mention that there is a man in Rose's bed. That man, however, just so happens to be dead.

Rose is horrified that she slept with a dead man. Having already lost her husband during a sexual encounter, Rose is convinced that she somehow has the power to kill men through sex. The trauma of a second man dying after having sex with her is already bad enough for Rose. She, however, learns to her horror that Al's "sister" who lived with him is actually his wife (Priscilla Morrill). Rose decides that the right thing to do is to tell Mrs. Beatty in person that her husband is dead, even if it means exposing herself as his newest mistress. 

Rose is devastated by the turn of events and swears off any future romances until Mrs. Beatty gives her unexpected news. With that, Rose opts three months later to try again, but has history repeated itself yet again?

In a Bed of Rose's confirms what will be one of the few elements that stayed consistent throughout the series: how Charlie Nylund died. Charlie Nylund died during an act of lovemaking with Rose, something first mentioned in Rose the Prude and later in The Heart Attack. Now with In a Bed of Rose's, the truth about poor Charlie is revealed to all (Rose having told only her then-boyfriend Arnie and later, Dorothy). We also learn that George Deveraux was killed in a car accident when a driver drove headfirst into him going down the wrong way. 

Two parts are cut from reruns. The first is more about how Blanche learned of George's death, reported to her by a disinterested policeman eating chips over the phone. Blanche observes that Rose would not eat chips while calling Mrs. Beatty about her husband's death. The other cut section is the story Rose tells of Inga Lundqvist, a neighbor who accidentally shredded her husband. This story is brought up when the three other women go square dancing while Rose insists on staying at home. It does not completely impact the flow of In a Bed of Rose's, but it does leave some context out.

Betty White earned the Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series with the episode In a Bed of Rose's, and I can see why. She balances the comedy of the bizarre situation with a genuine heart when making the difficult decision to tell Mrs. Beatty that not only had her husband been unfaithful but was dead. White never hits a wrong note in the episode. She milks Rose's continuing inability to not take the expression "he bought the farm" literally. The combination of shock and sadness when discovering Al's repeated infidelities mixed with her own guilt about two men dying on her makes White moving. 

White has a great reaction to when Sophia rubs in her plight. After Dorothy asks Rose if she'll be all right alone, Sophia replies, "She'll be fine. If anyone breaks in, she'll just have to sleep with them," leading to a priceless White face.

While Betty White won the Emmy for In a Bed of Rose's, I am surprised that Priscilla Morrill was not nominated for Outstanding Guest Actress in a Comedy Series. She too has wonderful facial expressions, such as initially dismissing whatever bad news Rose came to tell her. "Well, you couldn't be pregnant," she states. Once she learns of Al's death, the shift from comedy to drama is excellent. As she attempts to talk herself out of believing the news, we see the devastation she feels, as well as the genuine love Mrs. Beatty had for Al despite his inability to stay faithful. She has a wonderful closing line for her first scene with Rose. After Rose continues berating herself for what happened, Mrs. Beatty looks straight at her. "Mrs. Nylund, you've been sleeping with my husband who has just died. See if you can pull yourself together because in a minute, I'm going to need some comforting myself!"

Oddly, while she is billed as "Lucille", I do not remember that name being used. If memory serves right, she was always referred to as "my sister" (when Al is lying to Rose about who she is), "his wife" and "Mrs. Beatty". She even calls herself "Mrs. Beatty" when she comes to the house to let Rose know that she had nothing to do with Al's death.

In a Bed of Rose's is probably the episode in which Arthur's Dorothy features least. McClanahan's Blanche has her story about learning of George's death. Getty's Sophia throws out zinger after zinger, mocking the dead body she found and throwing barbs at Rose. Arthur is not a major part of the episode, but it is not a terrible thing. 

One thing that did puzzle me is how when Rose talked about dating again three months after Al's death, she talks about going away with "Arnie". Did she get back together with the first man she slept with after Charlie's death? Why Arnie? At the moment, it is the innocent farmer's daughter who has ratcheted up the most lovers with three: Charlie, Arnie and Al. Maybe despite it all, Rose is the slut of the group. 

In a Bed of Rose's takes a surprisingly horrible situation and makes it hilarious. Blending moments of comedy with genuine drama and emotion, In a Bed of Rose's is another strong episode.

I figure Coco would have had to carry Al's body to the front yard if Rose had followed Sophia's advice. 

9/10

Next Episode: The Truth Will Out

The Golden Girls: That Was No Lady

THE GOLDEN GIRLS: THAT WAS NO LADY

Written by: Liz Sage

Directed by: Jim Drake

Airdate: December 21, 1985

The four women of The Golden Girls have had romantic issues, but Dorothy Zbornak (Bea Arthur) seems to have the more difficult ones. The only divorcee, Dorothy now finds herself on the other side in That Was No Lady. Strong performances and an interesting dilemma make up for a weak B-plot.

Dorothy is enthralled with Glen O'Brien (Alex Rocco), a gym teacher at the school she is working at. They quickly begin an affair, which she initially cuts off when he confesses that he is married. Conflicted, she finds no resolution when advised by her housemates Rose Nylund (Betty White) and Blanche Deveraux (Rue McClanahan). Rose is adamant that Dorothy cannot run around with a married man. Blanche suggests discretion, though she admits that despite her reputation she herself has never slept with a married man. For her part, Dorothy's mother Sophia Petrillo (Estelle Getty) is firmly against Dorothy being in her words, "somebody's floozy".

Blanche and Rose are for their part dealing with car troubles. Rose needs a new car and Blanche wants to dump her old car for a new one. Blanche offers Rose her car for a two-week trial, which initially works out for Rose. Soon, however, Rose starts having issues with the car which Blanche eventually reveals is a lemon she is trying to unload because the dealership won't give her the full Blue Book price. Fortunately for her, the car ends up stolen.

We learn not much about the characters in That Was No Lady but did get some great continuity contradictions which The Golden Girls became famous or notorious for. Rose recounts how she and Charlie first met. In her yet-unnamed hometown (which so far would be "Little Falls" from The Break-In), Rose met Charlie when she was seven and he was eight. He had a little street stand which sold not lemonade but insurance. It was love at first sight for both. Charlie was so much in love that he paid for a new red wagon when a group of hogs destroyed Rose's after seeing it carry a roast, even though her policy did not cover acts of swine. 

Going by her presumed age of 51 based on Rose the Prude, Charles "Charlie" Nylund would have been born in 1935. With that in mind, poor Charlie would have died in 1970 at the age of 37. I don't think it makes any sense, but by now on Episode 14 the show I think does not even bother to try and keep track of characters' ages or children/grandchildren.

Curiously, Rose's initial story of how she and Charlie met (at a dance) is cut from Rose the Prude when it is repeated, so most people who have never seen the complete episodes would take Rose's story of Charlie's insurance stand as their first meeting. In this situation, I think we do not have to be so strict. 

Three bits are cut from That Was No Lady rebroadcasts. There is more of Dorothy's initial reaction to Glen's confession about him being married. There is more of Dorothy and Rose discussing Dorothy's affair. Most famously, there is when Sophia starts singing Purple Rain while listening to it on cassette. This last part I figure is due to copyright issues. Prince's classic is not actually heard, but Getty merely quoting it apparently was enough to get it clipped from future showings. It is to the editing credit that it does not affect anything.

That Was No Lady is less funny than most Golden Girls episodes, but it is still effective. The secondary plot of Rose taking Blanche's car is not interesting apart from making Rose look dim. This is a more dramatic episode where we see Dorothy's conflict about being someone's mistress.

Arthur does an excellent job portraying Dorothy's various reactions to the situation. She shifts from horror and outrage to acceptance to realization that as she says, she is not cut out to be the other woman. The longing for Glen which makes her party to adultery shows how love can make anyone foolish. Arthur has two great scenes in the hotel room where she and Glen have their trysts. The first is when she shifts from the joy of love to the horror of infidelity. The second is when, after starting up her relationship, she sees that her temporary pleasure will not make her happy.

She and Getty have an especially strong scene near the end. Dorothy is at first defiant about her relationship with Glen, then almost pleading to her mother to see that she is happy. Sophia tenderly states to her daughter that if she is so happy, why does she hear Dorothy pace in her room all night. It is, Sophia points out, a feeling of guilt. She already made her position clear when she scolded Dorothy for being Glen's floozy. Sophia, unlike Rose, does not disapprove due to moral reasons. She disapproves because she knows being a mistress will only end up making her daughter miserable and wants to steer her back to a genuine happiness versus the temporary physical thrill.

Getty is excellent here, revealing a genuine love for Dorothy behind her stern disapproval. 

Perhaps the biggest surprise is McClanahan's Blanche. One would think someone who is known as a sexually vibrant woman would have been the other party in many relationships. However, in That Was No Lady she makes clear she does not step out with married men. Blanche explains it by saying that she knows that a married man will eventually feel guilty and give better gifts to the wife. However, I think she uses that excuse because at heart, Blanche is interested in sex but not at the cost of her integrity or in hurting others; in this case, The Golden Girls does establish consistency in that part of Blanche's character. There will be other episodes where she is firm in refusing to become sexually or romantically involved with married men, at least when she discovers that they are married. For all her promiscuity, Blanche Deveraux does have standards. 

As a side note, hearing Rose describe it as a den of iniquity is oddly amusing.

That Was No Lady still has moments of laughter, but they do not spring from large parts of the plot. They have funny lines, such as Sophia advising Dorothy to go bowling where she can rent shoes to wear. There are funny moments, such as when Dorothy in her shocked state attempts to storm out of the hotel room by going into the bathroom. However, That Was No Lady is more a well-crafted character study of finding that something that might feel right is not right.  

9/10

Next Episode: In A Bed of Rose's 

The Golden Girls: A Little Romance

THE GOLDEN GIRLS: A LITTLE ROMANCE

Written by: Mort Nathan and Barry Fanaro

Directed by: Terry Hughes

Airdate: December 14, 1985

In today's world, the term "midget" is taken as a slur comparable to "the N word" for African Americans or "wetbacks" for Hispanics. In 1985, not only was it seen a a mere descriptive word but something one could find humor in. A Little Romance won its writers an Emmy Award and I think it is well-deserved. I think A Little Romance is the funniest Golden Girl Season One episode yet, outrageous and hilarious.

Sophia Petrillo (Estelle Getty) is not looking forward to spending time with her son Phil and his wife, a welder, or their ten kids. She is leaving to see her grandson's graduation from animal grooming school, so she is unaware of Rose Nylund's (Betty White) newest beau. He is Dr. Jonathan Newman (Brent Collins), a psychiatrist at the grief center Rose works at. Rose is reluctant to talk about Dr. Newman or their relationship. She keeps delaying introducing Dr. Newman to her housemates Dorothy Zbornak (Bea Arthur) and Blanche Deveraux (Rue McClanahan). Blanche takes the opportunity to invite Dr. Newman to dinner when he calls.

It soon becomes clear why Rose was reluctant to have them meet Dr. Newman. He is a dwarf, leading to Blanche and occasionally Dorothy making inadvertently offensive puns. They are charmed by Dr. Newman, but then alarmed when Rose insists that Dr. Newman is going to propose marriage. Rose does not know what to do until the answer comes in a dream. With visits from a miniaturized version of Rose's father (Billy Barty) and "famed psychic Jeanne Dixon" (Dixon cameoing as herself), Rose decides to accept Dr. Newman's proposal. Rose, however, is in for a rude shock when she finds that Dr. Newman is not going to propose.

Despite not being a major part of the episode, we learn quite a bit about Sophia from A Little Romance. We learn that she is the grandmother of ten from Phil alone. Counting Dorothy's two children and at least one if not more from Gloria, she has at least thirteen grandkids. Phil, from these accounts, is not a MENSA member. I think the best description for Philip Petrillo would be "white trash". He married a welder whose father is in prison and who just kept having children after children: six boys, four girls. The grandson Sophia is going to see is 22 years old, meaning he was born in 1963. Why is that important? Well, it means that Phil more than likely met the same fate that Dorothy did, only in reverse. My guess would be that Philip would have had his own shotgun wedding. Moreover, as whether Philip or Gloria is the baby of the family flips back and forth, it is hard to know how old Phil was when he got married.

There is a surprising amount that is cut from A Little Romance on reruns, mostly around the dinner for Dr. Newman. There is Dr. Newman's initial reaction to Blanche's uncomfortableness with his stature. There is Dorothy and Blanche discussing Dr. Newman's merits. There is Dorothy's reaction to Blanche's story about her dating Benjamin, causing a scandal in her Southern community. There are cuts to both Blanche and Dorothy comforting Rose as she struggles with her decision. Most surprisingly is Rose's dream, which goes on much longer than it does on reruns. 

A Little Romance has two great highlights: the dinner with Dr. Newman and Rose's dream sequence. The dinner is hilarious thanks to McClanahan's performance. Blanche's total discomfort at the situation, where she constantly stumbles over her efforts to not offend, will have you laughing. No matter what Blanche tries to say or do, she keeps tripping over herself. Whether offering Dr. Newman shrimp or suggesting that it was a small world, McClanahan has us like Blanche because she obviously means no harm but keeps making a fool out of herself. 

McClanahan has a separate, brilliant moment separate from the events of A Little Romance when recounting her romance with a young man named Benjamin. The Blanche/Benjamin romance should be forbidden by the mores of the times, but ultimately Blanche rose to the occasion and went to Prom with Benjamin. Only Blanche Deveraux would make this story not only into an epic, but also lead us to think it was an interracial romance when the real scandal was that Benjamin was from New Jersey. As Blanche recounts with horror, she went to Prom with a Yankee!

The dream sequence is also brilliant because it allows almost everyone to ham it up and exaggerate to an almost unhinged manner. As it is clearly a dream, we accept the cartoonish manner that McClanahan and Arthur put into the performances. Even Collins is exaggerated in his performance when wooing a reluctant Rose. Billy Barty as Rose's father is not as over-the-top, but still within the spirt of the scene. Curiously, Barty is billed as "Edgar Lindstrom", but I do not remember the name being used. Interestingly, Getty is the only one who is not broad in her performance. She is mostly within her usual Sophia, but like Barty she too gets into the spirit of things. Still, seeing Sophia dressed as a traditional Catholic priest is impossible to resist.

A Little Romance has the first cameo in the series with Jeanne Dixon playing herself. I imagine that most people nowadays do not know or remember Dixon was. At the time of the episode, she was a well-known psychic who was alleged to have predicted the assassination of President Kennedy. I think she is a major flaw in A Little Romance for a variety of reasons. First, she dates the episode, for Dixon is pretty much a forgotten figure now. Second, her oddball predictions such as how Brooke Shields and "Lady Di" would star in a Broadway musical comedy or Jackie O will tie the knot again were not funny. Third, when she is announced as one of Rose and Jonathan's wedding guests, you got the sense that the cast had to pump up the audience's interest by leading the applause.

It is curious that while Dixon is the weak part of A Little Romance, the episode itself is hilarious from top to bottom. The situation itself, the characters' reaction to it, the side story of Blanche and Benjamin, and the twists within it all make it a great source of laughter. We get the twist ending of why Dr. Newman and Rose cannot be together. However, we get another twist when Sophia returns unexpectedly in time to meet Dr. Newman. Everyone handles things so well that it elevates the comedy. 

Everything in A Little Romance works, making it hilarious without being mean-spirited. Big things, it appears, do come in small packages. 

I imagine that Coco would have had more sense to serve shrimp and short ribs for dinner.

10/10

Next Episode: That Was No Lady

A Quiet Place: Day One. A Review

A QUIET PLACE: DAY ONE

I never imagined that A Quiet Place would somehow create its own universe. I have not seen as of this writing A Quiet Place II, so I cannot say whether the prequel A Quiet Place: Day One fits into the narrative. I thought of whether A Quiet Place: Day One stood on its own separate from this accidental franchise. On the whole, A Quiet Place: Day One tells its origin story effectively and efficiently. 

Hospice care patient Sam (Lupita Nyong'o) reluctantly goes into Manhattan with her beloved comfort cat Frodo, the promise of a theater performance followed by her favorite pizza too hard to resist. The hospice care nurse Reuben (Alex Woolf) does not exactly lie to her about the theater performance but does not mention that it is a marionette show. Afterwards, they observe meteors falling onto the streets. Determined to get her promised pizza, Sam initially won't leave but soon everyone rushes when creatures appear while the meteors start creating chaos.

Sam eventually comes to with others hiding in the theater, Reuben included. She learns that sound attracts the aliens, so everyone must be quiet or as quiet as possible. She observes more attacks and Reuben's shocking end, with only another survivor, Henri (Djimon Hounsou) to protect those hiding in the theater. Sam opts to follow the government's advice to go to waiting ships to flee but another attack causes her and Frodo to separate. She does manage to steer two children to safety but now she is trapped.

Also trapped is shell-shocked Eric (Joseph Quinn), a British law student who finds Frodo and later Sam. She reluctantly joins forces with Eric to attempt to escape New York, though not with difficulties made harder by the pain of her illness without pain medication. Will they survive to get to the waiting ships? Will Sam get her pizza?

One of the best qualities in A Quiet Place: Day One is that is has a brief running time of a little over an hour and forty minutes. As such, it never lingers long on situations that might have dragged it down. That is not to say that perhaps A Quiet Place: Day One might not have benefitted from a bit more cutting (such as in having Eric and Sam take more time at Sam's apartment or the pizza hunt). However, that is not a dealbreaker here.

A Quiet Place: Day One knows when to stay and when to go, keeping things flowing relatively well. Even if brief moments, the screenplay by director Michael Sarnoski (from a story by him and original A Quiet Place star/director John Krasinski) manages to have moments of both tension and character development. There is when Sam comes upon the two children who have taken shelter underneath a fountain (the creatures unable to hear voices masked by the flowing water). We see the danger everyone is in, coupled with Sam's genuine concern for these innocent kids.

Essentially, A Quiet Place: Day One is split between Sam & Reuben and Sam & Eric, as if she needs someone to counter her. Each part works well in showing her rapport with these two men. The parts with both come across as authentic: a sarcastic but caring association with the former, a mutual need to survive with the latter. 

The film builds up tension as to whether certain characters will survive, though in one part it seems a bit ludicrous how one of the characters dies. In what is meant to be a tense moment, a giant generator starts being loud. It is shut down, but then a minor rip of clothing is enough to have the creature take that person out. It seems a bit curious why the creature could hear something so soft but not go into full attack mode with something so loud.

It is, as a side note, interesting how A Quiet Place: Day One has faint echoes of September 11, 2001, in the look of both a destroyed Manhattan and the dust and debris on character's faces. I do not know if it was intentional, but it for me added a level of haunting to the film.

Many of the actors were called upon to act with their faces, and it is a credit to both Sarnoski and the actors that they communicated so much with looks and their eyes. Nyong'o does an exceptional job as Sam, a woman who finds a late surge to fight to live despite being close to death. She is the person with whom we are supposed to identify with, our guide into this hellish world. She shows us her mix of sorrow, horror, quiet joy and finally peaceful acceptance mostly through her face. Nyong'o does have moments where she speaks, and she is able to convince the viewer that Sam is caring if a bit cynical.

Wolff is simply unrecognizable as Reuben, a generally quiet character who does his job the best he can. He cares for his patients but is also not above a little deception to get his way. Hounsou has a limited role, appearing for probably less than ten minutes overall near the beginning and briefly at the end. Nevertheless, he manages to hold your attention as Henri, the de facto leader of these survivors. Quinn does good work too as Eric, bumbling, terrified, in need of anyone to be around. He and Nyong'o work well together, balancing each other with her leading him, albeit reluctantly and with no enthusiasm.

A Quiet Place: Day One also knows how to use moments of tension and moments of stillness. A scene where Sam is trapped is built up to create effective tension. Eric timing the thunder to make needed noise is also well-done. As a side note, there is a scene outside a bookstore between Sam and Eric that I found funny. The bookstore's name is Argyle Bookstore, and while I figure it is not a nod to Argylle, I still chuckled. 

A Quiet Place: Day One balances horror and heart. At times perhaps a bit illogical (the generator scene still puzzles me), the film still gives viewers the horror they want to see with some strong characters to care about. On the whole, A Quiet Place: Day One works both as a prequel and its own film separate from the previous A Quiet Place films. 

DECISION: B-

The Golden Girls: The Custody Battle

THE GOLDEN GIRLS: THE CUSTODY BATTLE

Written by: Winifred Hervey

Directed by: Terry Hughes 

Airdate: December 7, 1985

The Custody Battle presents us with a very curious situation. It is the second Golden Girls episode where sisters are fighting. Just like the last battle between siblings we saw, The Custody Battle actually shows that love can spring from hidden animosity.

Sophia Petrillo (Estelle Getty) thinks she is doing well by trying to get her daughter Dorothy Zbornak (Bea Arthur) to go out. Dorothy angrily pushes Sophia's efforts away, demanding to be given space. Their battle is temporarily suspended when Sophia's other daughter Gloria (Doris Belak) comes to visit. Gloria is a wealthy widow in California, with servants and Bert Convy shopping at the same grocery store. Sophia accepts Gloria's offer to move in with her. 

Dorothy is upset at the news, as so are her housemates Blanche Deveraux (Rue McClanahan) and Rose Nylund (Betty White). Blanche and Rose are auditioning for a local production of Macbeth, with Blanche convinced she will be cast as Lady Macbeth. It helps that she slept with the director. Blanche's efforts to sleep her way to the top flop, as she ends up cast as Witch #3 and Rose ends up as Lady Macbeth. After a fight between Dorothy and Gloria, they reveal that each thinks the other is Sophia's favorite only to find that maybe Sophia loves them both the same. 

Judging from The Custody Battle, I think Gloria is the youngest of Sophia's three children. Dorothy makes a comment that it is natural for Sophia to be fond of Gloria as she is "the baby". This, I think, will fluctuate, for I think in other episodes it is Sophia's son Phil who is referred to as the baby of the family. I think Dorothy is the oldest of the Petrillo children. We also see what becomes a regular occurrence on The Golden Girls: Rose and Blanche participating in local theater productions. Dorothy does try out for community theater every so often, but it is more often Rose and Blanche who are seen auditioning. It looks like this is a shared interest for them.  

We learn that Gloria has at least one daughter, Katherine, and that Rose has nine siblings. In The Competition, we learn that Rose has six brothers. We know that one of them lives in Houston per Blanche and the Younger Man. As such, Rose would be one of three girls born to Alma Lindstrom and her husband. 

Only one section is cut from rebroadcasts of The Custody Battle. It is a scene where Dorothy talks about her feelings of inadequacy over Gloria. 

Somehow, it seems that all four Golden Girls have sister issues. While they mostly get along with each other, Dorothy, Sophia, Blanche and Rose all have fraught relationships with their female siblings. I do not know why that is. We saw this with Blanche and Virginia in Transplant. Later on, both Sophia and Rose will have episodes where they are fighting with their own sisters. The Custody Battle focuses on the rivalry between Dorothy and Gloria.

What elevates The Custody Battle is that it rings true. The conflicts within House Petrillo are relatable and none are out of maliciousness. In fact, both of them come from a sense of love. Sophia means well even if she does not know when to pull back. Dorothy and Gloria too mean well, at least when it comes to Sophia. Each of them genuinely loves their mother, even though Sophia has pitted them against the other. We see this in the final fight between Gloria and Dorothy. All this time, the audience is led to think that Gloria is Sophia's favorite (The Heart Attack notwithstanding). Gloria has led a pretty charmed life: a wealthy husband, successful children (save for Katherine who like her mother and grandfather got large noses), shopping with Bert Convy. 

However, Gloria reveals another side to Mother Petrillo as well as her own issues with Dorothy. Gloria had her own sense of inferiority towards her older sister. Dorothy is strong and capable of handling herself, with lots of friends and a career. As Gloria tells her, in Sophia's eyes, she could never measure up to Dorothy, something she pointed out in English and Italian. Sophia, despite being sharp-tongued and at times belittling towards Dorothy, relies on her eldest daughter for protection and security. 

We see this in a wonderful moment between Arthur and Getty when Dorothy comes into Sophia's room as she is packing. As played by them, it is clear neither wants Sophia to leave, but both are too proud to admit it. It is such a well-acted scene: quiet and effective.

It also is charming to think, as Sophia tells them, that while most children fight over getting rid of their parents, her children are fighting to see who gets to keep her. Underneath the sibling rivalries and parent-child conflicts, there is a lot of love.

Blanche and Rose have a lesser plot of who will be Queen of the Scottish Play, but it gives them funny bits to play with. The idea of sweet Rose portraying the wicked Lady Macbeth must reveal an actress of intensity and skill. Who would think Rose Nylund would make such an excellent manipulator and murderess? 

The Custody Battle is sweet and funny, working well in balancing humor and heart.

If Sophia had ended up moving to California to live with Gloria, do you think Coco would have gone with them to for a chance to grocery shop with Bert Convy?  

9/10

Next Episode: A Little Romance

The Golden Girls: Stan's Return

THE GOLDEN GIRLS: STAN'S RETURN (aka THE RETURN OF DOROTHY'S EX)

Written by: Kathy Speer and Terry Grossman

Directed by: Jim Drake

Airdate: November 30, 1985

Stan's Return, also known as The Return of Dorothy's Ex, makes clear what the episode will be about. The ideas of regret play well in the episode, making it better than the last one. We learn that like a bad penny, Stanley Zbornak (Herb Edelman) will not be denied, except for terrific sex.

Homeowner Blanche Devereaux (Rue McClanahan) along with her housemates Rose Nylund (Betty White) and Dorothy Zbornak (Bea Arthur) are considering various places where they could vacation together. Displeased with things is Dorothy's mother Sophia Petrillo (Estelle Getty), who is being excluded from the trip. She is more displeased when Dorothy's yutz of an ex-husband Stanley (Herb Edelman) comes on business. He and Dorothy are going to sell some property that they bought when they came to Miami on their honeymoon where they had hoped to retire.

It is after they conclude their business when they go for lunch that Stan breaks down in tears. It is not the sale of what would have been their retirement bungalow that causes the waterworks. It is that Stan's current wife Crissy (Simone Griffeth) has left him for a younger man. This leads to Dorothy and Stan sleeping together, shocking everyone. Dorothy is herself shocked when she finds that Stan takes this ex-sex as a sign that they might get back together. She is tempted to rekindle their romance, but ultimately decides not to. Stan goes after Crissy, who has flown in from Maui to get back with him. With that, Dorothy toasts them alone, accepting that neither of them will get terrific sex.

We learn from Stan's Return that the circumstances of the Zbornak wedding were not exactly ideal. If Sophia is to be believed, Stan got Dorothy drunk when he knocked her up. That does appear to be date rape, which is concerning. For a show that prided itself on its progressive nature, managing to make this situation funny is, well, curious. I wonder if that part of how Stan got Dorothy drunk could or should be cut (currently it is not). We learn that Dorothy and Stan honeymooned in Miami. 

If we go by the characters' ages established in past episodes, especially Guess Who's Coming to the Wedding? and The Competition, Stan and Dorothy would have been married in 1945 when Stan would be 25 and Dorothy a shocking 15. Something I never thought of until now is on Stan's military service; if Stan was 65 when The Engagement took place, which is the age Dorothy said he was, he would have been born in 1920. That would make him 18 to 19 years old when World War II broke out, meaning that he should have been serving in the military. Granted, he may have been rejected for service for some reason, but that is speculation. 

Add to that is the idea that if, again going by what has been previously established in terms of ages, how exactly could two kids from Brooklyn not only afford a honeymoon to Miami but also manage to purchase property there while on their honeymoon? This is 1945 and money is not flowing freely. Again, it may be plausible that Stan and Dorothy bought the Florida property later, but that is not how Stan's Return paints it. It is clear that Stan and Dorothy bought the property while on their honeymoon. One more thing with regards to this part of the plot. How is it that Dorothy never seemed to remember that she owned property in Florida where she now lives? Was her honeymoon so haunted that she just forgot that she co-owned land there?

Only one part is cut from Stan's Return in rebroadcasts. It is an extended scene where Dorothy, Rose and Blanche discuss Dorothy's situation about getting back together with Stan. It is when Rose attempts to draw parallels between Dorothy's plight and when Rose found herself being romanced by Eddie Parker, Aqua Midget. It is hard to know whether it is Dorothy and Blanche who cannot control their laughter at this oddball story or Arthur and McClanahan who cannot. 

Stan's Return is a good, strong episode, tackling Dorothy's conflicted view of her ex-husband. When Stan goes over a potential future with her, such as her opening an antique shop that had been a dream of hers, we see the sadness Dorothy has over whether to take that risk or not. As she contemplates opting to reunite with Stan or not, Arthur gives an excellent performance. We get her dramatic moments balanced with amusing ones. The final scene where she meets the second Mrs. Zbornak is funny, especially when Dorothy mockingly uses Chrissy's nicknames for Stan: Big Stan and Stick Man. 

This is, I think, the only time we see Chrissy, the "dumb blonde" to Dorothy. In her one scene, I cannot say Griffeth was good. However, Chrissy Zbornak was meant to be a bit cartoonish, so I give a little leeway. The subplot of Rose, Blanche and Dorothy planning a trip together without Sophia was there to give the others something to do. I still marvel at the idea that they are so close as to plan vacations together. I also do think it is unfair to push Sophia to be the de facto guard dog. 

Edelman makes the second of many returns, and this is the first time we see him voluntarily appear sans toupee. His baldness will become a running gag. Edelman does wonderful job makes Stan into a yutz, but early on, he was allowed a more complex persona. His latching on to Dorothy, hopes for a reconciliation, and subtle calls to a potential positive future were effective. He handled the comedy well but could do the drama equally well. I think in the future, the chances for that balance would grow fewer and fewer.

Stan's Return handles drama and comedy well. It is funny and at times moving. While a bit perplexing in some places, it is good to see Stan's Return.  

I like to think that Chrissy and Coco would have commiserated over men.  

8/10 

Next Episode: The Custody Battle

The Golden Girls: The Heart Attack

THE GOLDEN GIRLS: THE HEART ATTACK

Written by: Winifred Hervey

Directed by: Jim Drake

Airdate: November 23, 1985

The Heart Attack is an episode that I pretty much skip every time it comes on television. I suppose this might be a filler episode, one where nothing is meant to happen. Bless everyone for trying to make it work, but The Heart Attack is boring and save for one detail that would remain consistent is pretty much skippable.

After a big party the four housemates are cleaning up. Homeowner Blanche Deveraux (Rue McClanahan) mocks some of the guests. Rose Nylund (Betty White) and Dorothy Zbornak (Bea Arthur) continue snacking and cleaning, enjoying the successful party. Dorothy's mother Sophia Petrillo (Estelle Getty) soon starts feeling what she calls a bubble, pressure on her chest she initially thinks is indigestion.

It might be more than that, however. Sophia now believes that it is a heart attack. Paramedics are called, but there is a storm that is blocking roads. With them trapped and Sophia potentially dying, everyone starts contemplating death. Eventually, Sophia's doctor Dr. Harris (Ronald Hunter) arrives and diagnoses Sophia as having a gallbladder attack due to overeating. Crisis over, Sophia takes back what she said to Dorothy about her being Sophia's favorite. 

We learn one of the most tragic elements in The Golden Girls: how Rose's husband Charlie died. In Rose the Prude, Rose tells her then-boyfriend that Charlie died while he and Rose were making love. In The Heart Attack, she confirms this when she tells Dorothy that she has seen a heart attack and that it is much worse than what Sophia is experiencing. It is a very moving description of his death, and one can see Rose's continued grief over the love of her life. We do learn that Charlie died after Labor Day, since in her flustered state she started putting white pants on Charlie and he immediately said that he couldn't wear white after Labor Day. For all the inconsistencies and contradictions that The Golden Girls would have, Charlie's death is one of the few that remained constant.

This compares to the inconsistency of Sophia's widowhood. In The Competition, Sophia tells her long-lost love that she has been a widow for 22 years. In The Heart Attack, she says she is looking forward to seeing her husband, whom she hasn't seen in 30 years. What happened in those missing eight years?   

There is a surprising amount in The Heart Attack that is removed from reruns. There is the previously mentioned dissing of the guests by Blanche. There is a listing of how various members of Sophia and Dorothy's family died. There is a longer conversation in the kitchen about the various food they have eaten. There is a conversation between Rose and Blanche about the pros and cons of burial versus cremation. There is an extended section where Rose keeps Sophia company as Dorothy and Blanche look for Sophia's rosary beads.

I was surprised at how much of The Heart Attack was cut from the original broadcast. Oddly, one section from The Heart Attack that perhaps should be cut is Rose telling Sophia what she thinks Heaven is like. I should say, "Heavens", for without meaning to, Rose believes in a segregated afterlife. I do not mean by race but rather by religion. She talks about how she imagined there is a Catholic heaven with nuns and priests. There is a Protestant heaven with people and cows. There is a Jewish heaven with libraries and I think furriers. I know it is meant to show Rose's naivete. However, I think it makes her look accidentally bigoted. Why would Catholics and Protestants have a separate Heaven? Would those who entered Paradise be one with Christ? I get why she would imagine such a thing. I do not get why anyone else thought that maybe Rose should not be seen this way.

I wonder if Rose shared her ideas of a Jewish Heaven with Dr. Harris, who tells them that he is Jewish.

The Heart Attack is boring. I think it is because there is no real plot: Sophia may be having a heart attack, and the three other women react to it. I think it undercuts the drama when we are only on Episode 10, and one imagines that they are not going to kill off a by-now major character. I think the women did as well as they could with the script. To be fair, each of them had a small moment where we could see how death, remembered or contemplated, could be traumatic for them. However, there does not seem to be any real sense of urgency. I can never feel anxious or sad about Sophia possibly dying because I do not believe it. 

Perhaps the oddest element in The Heart Attack is that it aired shortly before Thanksgiving. This meditation on death seems a strange way to greet a holiday built around food and family, not to mention the traditional opening to the Christmas season. It might have been better to have moved The Heart Attack to later in the season. It might have had a greater impact to see Sophia potentially dying (and thus, leaving the series) if it had happened near the end of Season One versus early on. 

Again, I think everyone did the best they could in The Heart Attack. However, I found it slow, dull and pointless. I always skip The Heart Attack whenever it is on reruns, and now I am glad I will never have to watch it again.

I'll bet none of this would have happened if Coco had made all the food for that party.   

2/10

Next Episode: Stan's Return

The Golden Girls: Blanche and the Younger Man

THE GOLDEN GIRLS: BLANCHE AND THE YOUNGER MAN

Written by: James Berg and Stan Zimmerman

Directed by: Jim Drake

Airdate: November 16, 1985

I cannot say for sure but Blanche and the Younger Man may be the first Golden Girls episode where we had an A and B plot. In other words, Blanche and the Younger Man had two stories going on versus one major story with at most a smaller one going on simultaneously. If not for the secondary plot, Blanche and the Younger Man would be a weak and sluggish episode.

Blanche Devereaux (Rue McClanahan) is surprised and delighted when her Jazzercise instructor Dirk (Charles Hill) asks her out. She grudgingly admits that Dirk is younger, though insisting that the age gap is a less than five years. This suggestion makes her housemate Dorothy Zbornak (Bea Arthur) roll her eyes and Dorothy's mother Sophia (Estelle Getty) greets this amusement.

Visiting at the same time is Alma Lindstrom (Jeanette Nolan), mother of Rose Nylund (Betty White). Rose hovers over Alma incessantly, treating her as almost an invalid when Alma is far from it. Rose's smothering of Alma reaches a breaking point after Alma opts to separate from Sophia on an outing. Bizarrely taken to a police station, Alma angrily berates Rose for humiliating her in front of strangers and treating her like a child.

Rose later goes to Alma, explaining that she is afraid of losing her mother, causing her to do what she can to prevent Alma's inevitable death. Alma comforts her daughter, telling her not to focus on the fact that she will die but on that she is still alive. As for Blanche's great springtime romance, she is devastated to learn that Blanche reminds Dirk of his mother. In the end, Blanche sees that though she may be old in years, she still has a lot of life. 

We learn a few things about our group from Blanche and the Younger Man. Dorothy comments that Alma is the same age as Sophia, making her 80 and being born in 1905. We learn that Rose's maiden name is Lindstrom, that she comes from a farming family and that she has a brother who lives in Houston. If we go by what could be Rose's age of 51 from Rose the Prude, which would make her birthyear 1934, Alma would have been 29 years old when Rose was born. It is not known what the birth order is among the Lindstrom children. We can also draw that the unnamed brother in Houston is one of the six Lindstrom brothers mention in The Competition. 

There is only one section usually cut from rebroadcasts. It is a continuation of Blanche's description of her potential love affair with Dirk, along with a story where she claims to have been wooed by Andy Griffith. 

I think Blanche and the Younger Man is a bad title, especially because the episode does not revolve around Blanche and her potential boy-toy. Most of the episode, and the more interesting part of the episode, is in the relationship between Rose and Alma. I think a better title would have been Mothers and Lovers. It would have described both relationships: the conflict between Rose and Alma as well as Blanche being a substitute for Dirk's mother.

For the life of me, I cannot understand why the "A" plot of Blanche and her pretty psychotic efforts at being Dirk's lover was considered better than the "B" plot of Rose and Alma. The themes of parents eventually dying are well touched on. We also get a fascinating story from Alma about her time with Ben, a younger man whom she hired as a farmhand after Rose's father died. Their relationship went from employer and employee to lovers, but once the affair ended, both accepted it.

The Alma and Ben love affair, brief as it was, would make for an interesting television movie. It also showed that residents of Rose's hometown were not the blithering idiots they would eventually become. Certainly, the Alma and Rose story, along with the Alma and Ben story, proved more interesting than Blanche and Dirk's story. It is almost sad seeing Blanche, with garish makeup, attempting to be young. 

The "B" plot of Rose and Alma is better and more interesting than the "A" plot of Blanche and the Younger Man. It is a credit to the show that Dorothy and Sophia are not out of things, especially Sophia who becomes Alma's de facto bestie. If not for Nolan and White, Blanche and the Younger Man would have been dreadful.

I do wonder though if Coco would have had designs on Dirk. 

6/10

Next Episode: Heart Attack