Sonic the Hedgehog 3: A Review

SONIC THE HEDGEHOG 3

I respect films that know their audience and do not try to either insult them or talk down to them. The Sonic the Hedgehog franchise is one that knows what its viewers want and gives it them. A bit dark in my view for younger kids, Sonic the Hedgehog 3 is a fun, zippy film that I found oddly moving at times.

Sonic (Ben Schwartz) is enjoying life with his family. However, he and his fellow creatures Knuckles (Idris Elba) and Tails (Colleen O'Shaughnessy) are immediately taken to Tokyo to face off a new threat fifty years in the making. Leaving their de facto human parents Tom (James Marsden) and Maddie (Tika Sumpter) behind, our trio take on a new hedgehog, Shadow (Keanu Reeves). Shadow is stronger than Knuckles, smarter than Tails, and perhaps even faster than Sonic. To defeat Shadow requires all hands-on deck. 

That means even the villainous Doctor Ivo Robotnik (Jim Carrey), who is being framed for Shadow being released despite the protests of Robotnik's loyal henchman Agent Stone (Lee Majdoub). However, we find that there is a connection between Robotnik and Shadow, and that is Robotnik's grandfather Gerald (Carrey in a dual role), very much alive. The Robotnik grandfather and grandson decide to bond, much to Stone's sadness at being excluded, and also join forces for revenge.

However, it is not revenge against Sonic that they unite against. Gerard Robotnik wants to destroy the world, which even as someone as evil as Ivo Robotnik cannot go along with. He just wants to conquer the world, not kill everyone. Will Sonic convince Shadow, deeply hurt at the loss of his child friend from 1974, to switch sides or will Sonic's own need to avenge those he loves end up helping destroy the world? Will Ivo be able to outwit his villainous and equally brilliant grandfather?

One of the positives in Sonic the Hedgehog 3 is how it goes through things remarkably fast. Perhaps that should not be a surprise given how Sonic is, by his own admission, the fastest creature on Earth. We go from seeing the three creatures to them going to Tokyo to them fighting Shadow to them regrouping and then to reencountering Dr. Robotnik in remarkably quick succession. I figure that those who have not seen the first two Sonic the Hedgehog films might get a bit confused. However, I think that we establish things rather quickly without having to rebuild the characters. We get indications that Sonic is immaturely arrogant, Tails is sweet and smart, Knuckles is strong and self-assured and Robotnik is pretty bonkers but delightfully so.

We also get Shadow's threat quickly when he finally gets out of the secret second holding lab he is at. We do have a flashback via Gerard to explain what happened to Shadow and his human friend, but I think that was needed for even the Sonic fans aware of who Shadow is.

Sonic the Hedgehog 3 also has a lot of in-jokes that those not familiar with the video games will appreciate if not get. After their first encounter with Shadow, the three aliens regroup not in a lab or underground lair, but in a Chao Garden. Those of us who have never played a Sonic game would see it as a cutesy, Chucky Cheese-like place where Japanese families go for child entertainment. Those who have would get the joke about the Chao Garden. In both instances, it works in Josh Miller, John Whittington and Pat Casey's screenplay. One can enjoy it on both levels and/or one level. 

A surprising element in Sonic the Hedgehog 3 is how apart from Carrey and a lesser extent Majdoub, the human characters are unimportant. You had quick cameos from Natasha Rothwell and Shemar Moore as Maddie's sister and brother-in-law and exactly one scene with Deputy Wade (Adam Pally). Both are unnecessary, but they do not negatively impact the film either. Even the lack of screentime for Marsden and Sumpter was barely noticeable.

I think that is because the aliens and Carrey all worked so well together that it made Sonic the Hedgehog 3 more focused. You had a continuing series of events that move well and few if any distractions. You also have great work with the four aliens, each bringing their characters to life. Schwartz made Sonic that cocky but still immature figure, endearing but also in need to learn. O'Shaughnessy's Tails was still sweet and endearing, Elba's Knuckles unaware but confident. Keanu Reeves as the new figure of Shadow made his creature one driven by genuine loss.

And then there is Jim Carrey in the dual roles of Gerard and Ivo Robotnik. The film is smart enough to be self-aware about the logic, or lack thereof, in things when Carrey makes a joke about how they look like the same actor playing two roles in a movie. However, when they do their bonding montage to the Beach Boys' Wouldn't It Be Nice we pretty much forget that Carrey is playing two roles with surprisingly effective visual effects. Director Jeff Fowler even allows a bit more comedy whenever the poor Agent Stone attempts to join in the grandfather/son montage. 

There was a lot of humor courtesy of the screenplay. The entire Chao Garden scene was delightful, and Sonic's quips about calling Shadow "Tokyo Drift" or telling Tails and Knuckles that he did not know if what was attacking Tokyo was Godzilla or Hello Kitty were amusing, even cute. As much fun as Sonic the Hedgehog 3 was having with the story, the film still managed to get in some moments of emotion.

At the end, when the Robotnik death machine is disintegrating, Carrey's Robotnik gives a surprisingly touching, even moving farewell to someone he calls one of the best henchmen ever. "You were more than a sycophant," Carrey tells Majdoub. "You were a syco-friend". Delivered in a comic but true-to-character manner as Robotnik, I admit I was surprised by how much that seeming farewell touched me. 

Sonic the Hedgehog was filled with some beautiful animation that pleased the eye. It somehow managed to integrate songs like the aforementioned Wouldn't It Be Nice to The Traveling Wilbury's End of the Line. Even the comic La Ultima Pasion telenovela that Robotnik got addicted to was in the fun spirit of the film.

Sonic the Hedgehog 3 is a nice fun film. It might be a tad dark for small kids given that the death of a child is involved, even if it is in shadow. However, on the whole Sonic the Hedgehog 3 is an enjoyable romp that respects its audience and gives them a good time at a good speed.

DECISION: B+

Sonic the Hedgehog 2: A Review (Review #1910)

 

SONIC THE HEDGEHOG 2

When last we saw our titular hero, his nemesis was stranded on a desert planet and a new creature had popped up. Unsurprisingly, Sonic the Hedgehog got a sequel. Sonic the Hedgehog 2 is a pale shadow of the first film, disorganized, bloated and rambling. While it does have some good things in it, Sonic the Hedgehog 2 is something that should have worked but did not quite.

The evil Dr. Robotnick (Jim Carrey) has found a way out of his forced exile on the Mushroom Planet. He has also found an ally in Knuckles (Idris Elba), the last of the Enchidas who wants to go after Sonic (Ben Schwartz). Sonic, for his part, is thrilled to have the Green Hills, Montana home of his informal parents Tom "Donut Lord" Wachowski (James Marsden) and his wife Maddie "Pretzel Lady" (Tika Sumpter) to himself. Tom and Maddie are off to Hawaii for the wedding of Maddie's sister Rachel (Natasha Rothwell) to Randall (Shemar Moore). 

Sonic is struggling with keeping his powers to himself, yearning to be a great hero but making a mess of things when he tries. Fortunately, he now has a distraction when Robotnick and Knuckles come storming onto Earth. Sonic, however, has a new ally in Tails (Colleen O'Shaughnessy), a fox with two tails who is a massive Sonic fan. 

Now it becomes a quest to find the Master Emerald, a jewel of great power that Sonic's mentor, the owl Longclaw, has hidden on Earth. It's a race between Sonic & Tails vs. Robotnick & Knuckles to find the Emerald and unleash its powers. That race drags in Tom & Maddie, eventually, along with Rachel and Randall, the latter who was a secret agent who catfished Rachel as part of a plan to capture Sonic. Now the Wachowskis and their in-laws join to stop Robotnick and Knuckles. There are more betrayals before the final confrontation, but is there a Project Shadow to worry about?

Sonic the Hedgehog 2 is close to a half hour longer than the first Sonic film and it shows. As I watched the film, a sense of disappointment started creeping in. I thought that the entire Siberian section, where Sonic and Tails have a dance-off with disreputable Russians, went on too long for no payoff. I was surprised at how Sonic the Hedgehog 2 pretty much forgot about characters and plots, unable to have a cohesive whole.

The entire Seattle sequence, where Sonic shows how his self-assuredness ended up making things worse, could have been shorter. So could the Siberian Pivonka sequence, where I sat not so much confused but wondering why we had to go through this.

For stretches of the film, I had forgotten about Rachel and Randall, and to be honest, about Tom and Maddie. When the film turned from Siberia to Hawaii, that story dominated Sonic the Hedgehog 2. Once we uncovered the truth about Operation Catfish and everyone moved on, I do not think we saw or heard from Rachel and Randall again. 

That is not to say that there were not funny moments even in this part. Hearing military Commander Walters (Tom Butler) tell Rachel, "Party's over, Bridezilla" was funny. The dreadful name the secret military organization had: Guardian Units of Nations or GUN, was eye-rolling to where even Rachel thought it was daft. I figure that either that GUN is part of the Sonic videogames or screenwriters Pat Casey, Josh Miller and John Whittington were going for dumb laughs. I cannot explain, separate from that, anyone thought that was funny. 

As side notes, it strikes me as a bit cruel to have Rachel be a victim of catfishing, Randall's protestations of being sincere not believable. I also wondered why Marsden's Tom was held up as some kind of wimp compared to Randall or his groomsmen. There's a quick scene of Randall flexing his biceps which Tom reciprocates. I think the scene was meant to suggest that Tom was not in the same league as Randall or Randall's friends. To a point, I can believe that Shemar Moore would be more attractive than James Marsden. However, Marsden showed off an enviable set of guns that made it a very odd moment. Yet I digress.

One of Sonic the Hedgehog 2's greatest flaws is whenever Jim Carrey is not on the screen. His Dr. Robotnick is still delightfully crazed, able to rattle off quips and puns with a malevolent glee. Carrey's scenes with the ever-devoted Agent Stone (Lee Majdoub) were a highlight: the balance between Robotnick's crazed and over-the-top manner with Stone's oddball devotion. Majdoub and Adam Pally as the dimwitted Deputy Wade also worked well together. The idea of Stone hiding out in plain sight by running Green Hills' coffeeshop is amusing, as is his code for revealing to his master the secret technology that Stone has been hiding. At the words, "Latte with steamed Austrian goat milk", we see not only the massive network that has been waiting for the bad doctor. We see how devoted, even hero worshipful Stone is by naming the code after Robotnick's special coffee order.

Sonic the Hedgehog 2 to be fair had some good lines which Carrey, Majdoub, Pally and Schwartz's Sonic were able to deliver. Hearing Sonic call Robotnick "Professor X meets the Monopoly Man" when they face off or Sonic calling Knuckles "Clifford the Big Red Rage Monster" was funny. Credit should also go to Elba and O'Shaughnessy who got into the spirit of the vengeful, serious Knuckles and the more lighthearted Tails respectively. There was also some beautiful animation, such as when we see the Master Emerald for the first time.

Sonic the Hedgehog 2 will, I think, entertain those who do not ask much from the film. I wanted a little bit more, particularly a little more thought and a little more editing. It is fine, but not as good as it could have been or as good as the first adventure. Sonic the Hedgehog 2 did not quite measure up to speed.

DECISION: C-

Sonic the Hedgehog: A Review

 

SONIC THE HEDGEHOG

I start my Sonic the Hedgehog review by admitting that I have never played the video game on which the film is based on. I admit great puzzlement over why Sonic the Hedgehog as a movie exists at all. Despite that, I was completely won over by Sonic the Hedgehog's mix of straight and silly, heart and humor.

In voiceover, our intergalactic alien Sonic the Hedgehog (Ben Schwartz) tells us that he is an exile from another world, finding his way to Earth through a magical portal ring. He enjoys his adopted home outside Green Hills, Montana and its residents from whom he hides from. His personal favorites are a man he calls "Donut Lord" and his wife, "Pretzel Lady". 

One night, his loneliness gets the better of him, and he inadvertently causes a major power outage. Reluctantly, the military high brass brings in eccentric to downright bonkers Dr. Robotnick (Jim Carrey) to find the source of the outage. Dr. Robotnick quickly traces things to a foreign entity. Fearing for his life and safety, Sonic is about to go into exile again when he encounters "Donut Lord".

That would be Green Hills sheriff Tom Wachowski (James Marsden). Tom, who is getting ready to leave Green Hills to be a San Franscico cop, is shocked to discover that the legendary "Blue Devil" is real. He reluctantly agrees to help Sonic go to San Fransisco, find the bag of rings that Sonic accidentally sent there, and avoid the mad Robotnick. Will the immature but loveable Sonic win Tim and his wife, Pretzel Lady Maddie (Tika Sumpter) to his side? Will Robotnick be stopped?

Sonic the Hedgehog does something incredibly rare in films: take the premise seriously while simultaneously giving audiences a slight wink that all this is not meant to be taken seriously. Everything about Sonic the Hedgehog is absurd. However, it is a credit to especially James Marsden and Tika Sumpter that they play the scenario straight. To be fair, there were a couple of occasions when both tried to be a bit exaggerated in their delivery. However, it was brief and not enough to remove all the goodwill that they had made.

Marsden in particular has a hard task in the film. As the straight man to Sonic's mix of naivete and childlike enthusiasm, he has to be the adult. He manages things quite well, showing him to be a decent man trying to do the right thing while never behaving as though a speedy talking blue hedgehog is a bit bizarre. Perhaps a bit bizarre, but so long as he is around Marsden never exaggerates his reactions or makes out like he is too smart for all this.

The cartoonish, wildly over-the-top part is handled by Jim Carrey. This, however, was the correct way of handling things. Dr. Robotnick is cartoonish and wildly over-the-top. He is never meant to be a serious antagonist to Sonic. He is meant to be so grandiose in his manner that trying to make him a more grounded villain would have come across as idiotic. In Carrey's performance, Dr. Robotnick delights in being big but behaves as though none of this is wrong. 

Of particular note is whenever he plays something with his right-hand man, Agent Stone (Lee Majdoub). Stone suffers greatly under Robotnick, but both play their scenes as if this is how both would behave: Robotnick doing something that causes Stone mental or physical injury, Stone being initially hurt but then quickly moving on. As odd as the comparison may be, I am reminded of how Groucho Marx would insult Margaret Dumont in a film, only for her to give a quick startled look before moving on. 

The broadness of Carrey allows for Marsden's more straightforward manner to balance each other out. Had both played them the same way, it would have been disastrous. Had Marsden been exaggerated and Carrey restrained, things would have looked odd. Jeff Fowler as a director made a wide choice to let Carrey go all-in on the cray-cray while having Marsden be a bit more rational. Actually, Carrey's Dr. Robotnick being so cartoonishly over-the-top allows everyone else to look rational, even when they are not.

Schwartz as the voice of Sonic makes him a likeable creature. He makes Sonic a bit like a child, energetic, cute and innocent. He is well-meaning and not meanspirited in any way, but unaware of how things are. Who else would find a biker bar so enticing enough to go there despite the dangers he faces?  

Pat Casey and Josh Miller's screenplay makes this premise plausible without insisting on being totally realistic. Sonic the Hedgehog is deliberately silly, but it does not insult the audience by having everything played for laughs. In fact, there are moments that are surprisingly moving, such as when Tim looks at Sonic's bucket list and sees "Make a real friend" as one that he has not scratched off.

The film has good visual effects in bringing this super-fast blue creature to life. It soon looks as if Sonic is a real creature, making one care about him. We can also laugh at how he manages to get into a barfight. I do wonder though, if smaller children will have to have things like biker barfights explained to them. 

While Sonic the Hedgehog is surprisingly short, clocking in around a little over an hour-and-a-half, it never feels either rushed or lethargic. The only part that perhaps might have been rushed is the opening, when we get a very brief glimpse of Sonic's mentor and protector, the owl Longclaw. It was a bit quick, but I found that a minor detail.

On the whole, however, Sonic the Hedgehog work because it knows how to have fun with the premise while not making things too silly. I think families will enjoy the first adventures of our title hero and fans of the video game will be pleased with it too. Sonic the Hedgehog has a warmth, a sweetness and a deliberately light humor that delighted me. While I probably will not play the game, I would have no issue sitting through Sonic the Hedgehog another time.

DECISION: B-

Five Nights at Freddy's: A Review (Review #1769)

 

FIVE NIGHTS AT FREDDY'S

I am old enough to remember the Chuck-E-Cheese band that terrified many an impressionable youngster, though I myself was not. I figure those animatronic horrors inspired the video game Five Nights at Freddy's, which is now a feature film. A film that has more atmosphere than true horror, Five Nights at Freddy's is surprisingly tame but entertaining.

Young Mike Schmidt (Josh Hutchinson) is at the end of his rope. Floundering both emotionally and financially, he loses his latest job as a security guard after violently attacking a man he thought was a child abductor. Turns out the man he beat within an inch of his life was the boy's father. Mike's career counselor Steve Ragland (Matthew Lillard) notes his name and appears curiously interested, but won't say why. Steve has yet another security job for him, though away from the public.

Mike does not want it, but he needs to take it. He is the sole guardian of his much younger sister Abby (Piper Rubio), who is taciturn and communicates mostly through drawing. Their Aunt Jane (Mary Stuart Masterson) is forever breathing down Mike's neck, determined to take custody of Abby. Leaving Abby in the care of longsuffering babysitter Max (Kat Conner Sterling), Mike goes to his new overnight job.

He now watches over Freddy Fazbear's Pizzeria, a now defunct family pizza joint and arcade that was closed after a series of child disappearances. Mike is pretty convinced that this will be a mostly boring, quiet place. However, there are the very creepy audio animatronic figures that play at random. There is also local cop Vanessa (Elizabeth Lail), who seems to know more about Freddy's and Mike than she lets on.

At least she is not conspiring against Mike, unlike Aunty Jane. She hired Max to be a spy, and now got some thugs to try and trash Freddy's in an effort to have Mike lose his job. Jokes on the thugs, for Freddy's is very much alive and murderous. Abby, now going with Mike after Max's disappearance, surprisingly becomes friends with the various living robots. This only worries Mike more, and soon fears for all their lives. Who are the children who appear in Mike's dream? Will Mike be free of his guilt over the disappearance of his baby brother Garrett decades ago? Who or what is Yellow Rabbit? Will everyone survive those Five Nights at Freddy's? 

Given that the last video game I played was Donkey Kong, I can admit to never having heard of Five Nights at Freddy's. As such, I was unfamiliar with the source material. The positive, if I can use that word, about the screenplay from Seth Cuddeback, director Emma Tammi game creator Scott Cawthon (from a story by Cawthon, Chris Lee Hill and Tyler MacIntyre) is that I was not lost in the telling. A nice info dump via a Freddy's training video filled me in on the pizzeria. The film allows for Mike's trauma to play out, explaining his irrational behavior. It gives us simple, direct details about the various characters and does not care about plot.

The film almost delights in not following up on things. Max's disappearance is not remarked on by anyone. Same goes for Hank (Christian Stokes), one of the goons Aunt Jane had hired who meets a somewhat grisly end. A mild spoiler alert: if you cannot figure out who the actual villain in the film is, note that the "biggest" name actor in the film cannot just be in one scene. Another mild spoiler alert: an antagonist is I presume killed by one of the auto animatronic figures who somehow leaves Freddy's easily and that too is never mentioned. I say "presume" because it seems strange not to mention or even ask about a potential corpse just lying around. 

Logic, however, is not the point of Five Nights at Freddy's. To be honest, I am not sure that true horror is either. The film is surprisingly tame with its violence. Only once would I say that I found things a bit gruesome. Five Nights at Freddy's is PG-13, and it earns that rating. Perhaps others, particular fans of the game, might be disappointed in the lack of gore. I was not.

I cannot say that there are any performances in Five Nights at Freddy's. It is nice to see Josh Hutcherson back. I would say he did as good as the material let him. He certainly worked hard to make Mike's guilt and angst believable. Same with Lail's Vanessa, who at times looked a bit blank. I did not care for Rubio's Abby, who came across as a bit obnoxious rather than troubled. Masterson and Lillard are so much better than the material, the former more so. I imagine that this was a job, and they did not fully commit but were happy to be there. 

Five Nights at Freddy's does not ask much from me as a viewer. We get very basic storytelling that does not wear out its welcome, even if it pushes two hours. I found the film fine, acceptable, neither horrible nor wonderful. I find little to praise or condemn. As such, you can spend Five Nights at Freddy's aware that it is mildly entertaining, though it won't have you Talking in Your Sleep.

DECISION: C+

Uncharted: A Review

 

UNCHARTED

We are barely into 2022 yet I think Uncharted may be my Biggest Disappointment of the Year. I had never heard of the video game on which it is based on, but given how lackluster the entire film is, I am both not interested in playing the game or in seeing more films that Uncharted teases it will spawn.

Young bartender/petty thief Nathan Drake (Tom Holland) is recruited by shadowy fortune hunter Victor "Sully" Sullivan (Mark Wahlberg) to help him find a vast treasure hidden by the survivors of Ferdinand Magellan's crew. Sully thinks Nate can help him due to his past work with Nate's long-lost brother Sam. 

Going against them are the wealthy Moncada family who feel the treasure is their due and later on, Chole Frazer (Sophia Ali), Sully's frenemy who sometimes helps, sometimes hurts his search. Santiago Moncada (Antonio Banderas) has his own treasure hunter to help his cause: Braddock (Tati Gabrielle), who also has a past with Sully.

As the nearly clueless but remarkably agile Nathan goes from New York to Barcelona to the Philippines in search of the treasure, he continues his main mission of finding Sam. Everyone seems more than capable of betraying everyone else, but ultimately Nathan and Sully manage to get little bits of treasure despite major obstacles.

In two post-ending scenes, we find Sam is alive but imprisoned and Nate & Sully are on another treasure hunt, when just as they are about to escape with a map, they come upon another figure which I figure we would see in a sequel.

There are two ways to adapt something like Uncharted. You can go the straight route and make it a serious action/adventure where you take the time to introduce the characters, set up the story and handle things more seriously. You can, conversely, embrace the silliness of it all and make Uncharted fun and zippy, not taking itself seriously and being a bit of an escapist lark. Uncharted never decided which it would be, so it opted to throw everything and hope something would work. 

What you ended up with was a pretty boring film, where things move because they had to. Not only that, but things also moved in an expected way. You know Chloe can't be trusted. You know the various escapes will have complications. You know there will be quips between Sully and others. You know Sam is alive. The few things that are different do not appear to make any sense: a major character is killed off but with no logic apart from "Actor X, already cashing a paycheck to be in this rubbish, does not want to be around for any potential sequels". 

For an action/adventure film, Uncharted is so sluggish. There is a lethargy to everyone's performances that I wouldn't blame them if they had literally fallen asleep during a take. What should be fast paced seems to almost amble on. Take for example when Nate and Chloe are trapped in water. Their only rescue is Sully, but he's too busy fighting Braddock to attend quickly to Nate and Chloe. We should feel their lives are in danger, but somehow, everything played so slowly you feel nothing.

That sluggishness goes to the performances. Tom Holland showed great promise in The Impossible, but ever since he became our friendly neighborhood Spider-Man, he's been coasting and slumming through his career. In the film's opening, we see Nate dangling from an airplane cargo and when he knocks someone to his death, Nate immediate shouts, "Oh my god, I'm SO SORRY!". Uncharted does not push him in the acting department, which he may have wanted. However, did he want to play a webless Peter Parker knockoff?

At one point, Nate asks Chloe when she wanted to be "Indiana Jones", and a bit of me was wondering if he was going to call it "a REALLY OLD MOVIE". Later, when Sully mocks Nathan for ordering a martini, I thought it was a waste to not have him say to make it shaken, not stirred. 

Wahlberg, to my mind, has never been an actor. He just parlayed his youthful physique into a successful film career where he plays the same type: snarky action star. He looks bored trying to sound clever and quippy, but to be fair he does manage to acknowledge being 50 years old (at one point he admits not being able to read something because he doesn't have his reading glasses). 

As a side note, Wahlberg is literally twice Holland's age, meaning that Nate's treasure-hunting partner is old enough to be his father! Whether or not Uncharted wanted to draw attention to this in their mostly forced interplay I cannot say. 

Banderas is there to cash a check and is relishing hamming it up for all his paycheck was worth. Ali and Gabrielle didn't so much phone it in as texted it in. It's a sad sign when you know someone of importance is making a cameo, but you have no idea who that person is or why we should care.

There are some good parts in Uncharted: the airplane sequence was well-done even if it was CGI. On occasion Wahlberg and Holland were able to bring some self-deprecating humor. When Sully tells Nate to make themselves small, "or in your case, smaller", Nate snaps back, "You're only an inch taller, tops!". If IMDB is correct, Nathan Drake is right: Tom Holland's 5' 7.5" is only a shade less than Mark Wahlberg's 5'8".

I wanted to like Uncharted, to embrace it as goofy fun. I could have forgiven how illogical it was (500-year-old wooden ships in perfect working order, how Sully spirited away a valuable cross with Nate able to also easily escape). What I could not forgive was how boring it all was. 

Worse, we get promises of sequels, an arrogant statement for something so dull as Uncharted. This Goonies/National Treasure/Indiana Jones mishmash has nothing going for it, and while I know audiences loved it, I do not want more of Drake's takes.     

DECICION: D-

Mortal Kombat (2021): A Review (Review #1482)

 

MORTAL KOMBAT 

I did not play Mortal Kombat or see any Mortal Kombat films before we got this reboot. Apart from its fantastic theme song I have little knowledge of anything related to this video game turned franchise. I'm someone who judges a film based on what it is aiming for, but even by those measures Mortal Kombat is just a bad film. Sleep-inducing, grotesquely violent and self-serious for something this schlocky, Mortal Kombat is just a bad film.

Japan 1617. Master swordsman Hanzo Hayashi (Hiroyuki Sanada) finds his past catch up with him when he and his family are killed by the villainous Bi-Han. Moving towards the present-day, young MMA fighter Cole Young (Lewis Tan) is contemplating retirement when approached by Jax (Mehcad Brooks). 

Unbeknown to Cole, he is to join an elite group of humans to fight in an otherworldly battle known as "Mortal Kombat". Also unbeknown to him, he is a descendant of Hanzo (a young baby having been missed by Bi-Han, now known as Sub-Zero (Joe Taslim). Quickly thrown into a chaotic universe, Cole trains at the secret temple of Lord Raiden (Tadanobu Asano).

Under his personal protection, Lord Raiden gets the other champions to train to fight his nemesis, the sorcerer Shang Tsung (Chin Han). Eventually, one of them, arrogant mercenary Kano (Josh Lawson) turns rouge, and begins an all-out bloodbath between the forces of Lord Raiden and Shang. Some survive, others do not, but with Sub-Zero defeated by a resurrected Hanzo, now known as Scorpion, it will be a mere matter of time before these two group battle it out again. Their next battle may even be joined by a movie star named Johnny Cage...

I can appreciate a film that attempts to keep to its video game roots, even to where a novice like myself can recognize catchphrases and killing methods. As such, I figure I should judge it on a curve. However, what can one say about an action film where I was struggling to stay awake only to be jolted awake by seeing a woman sawn in half?

Mortal Kombat the game was not shy about letting the blood gush all over, but Mortal Kombat the film went so insanely overboard with the gruesome aspects of it that if one didn't know it was fiction they might think it was a snuff film. Right from the get-go when Hanzo is killed we see director Simon McQuoid not shy away from showing just how graphic he could be.

We see arms violently removed, people frozen and their souls sucked out. It may be similar to the video game, but it is rather horrifying to someone with little or no knowledge of it all.

Perhaps that might be forgiven if Mortal Kombat was any fun. Instead, it is so deadly serious that is is also a bit boring. Few if any of the characters had any personality, taking everything oh-so-seriously that it sucks out the joy of what could be a romp. This may be why the character of Johnny Cage is so popular, as he is probably one of the only Mortal Kombat combatants to show any humor.

I don't think anyone in Mortal Kombat cracked a smile. Again, while there should be a balance between all-out laughs and all-out grim, Mortal Kombat never really bothered to make any of the characters save one interesting. Lawson was the clear standout as Kano because he was the only one to have a genuine personality. Brash, arrogant, obnoxious and unapologetically selfish and self-centered, Kano was worth watching.

To be fair, Jessica McNamee as Sonya Blade also has some good moments, particularly as she is the only one who isn't initially marked to be a combatant. However, the rest of the cast was nondescript. In the leading role, Lewis Tan I think did as well as could be done with such an underwritten part, but he suffered by being a bit bored-looking like everyone else.

It was to the point where Mortal Kombat is so dull I genuinely missed the part where Kano turns to the Dark Side, let alone cared if any of them lived.

Perhaps Mortal Kombat's worse fault lies in its naked declaration of a sequel. It is bad enough that Mortal Kombat violated one of my Golden Rules of Filmmaking: Never End Your Film By Suggesting There Will Be a Sequel. It is in the blundering way it did. You had Shang declare he would raise a new army. You had Raiden declare he is seeking new warriors. You had Cole going to Hollywood to search for a new champion. You had Cole pass a poster announcing the newest movie from action star Johnny Cage.

While it shouldn't be a surprise Mortal Kombat would get a sequel, you don't need so many spotlights to announce that. 

Mortal Kombat is boring and violent, a terrible mix. For me, it did not test my might but my patience.

DECISION: F

Tomb Raider (2018): A Review (Review #1030)

TOMB RAIDER

I am not well-versed in the world of Lara Croft as I don't play video games.  I haven't played any since Donkey Kong.  I do, however, know a bit about Lara Croft, the heroine of many a Tomb Raider game. 

Despite my overall lack of knowledge, I can say that Tomb Raider, the new video game adaptation/franchise starter, is no Lara Croft and a gross disservice to its fans despite its star's most valiant efforts.

Lara Croft (Alicia Vikander) is eking out a living as a bicycle courier in London despite being an heiress. The only reason she's poor is because to get her fortune, she has to sign papers declaring her father, Lord Richard Croft (Dominic West), dead, and she has not given up hope.  The pang of poverty, along with an arrest for illegal bike racing, force her hand.

Just before she actually signs the papers in front of two of the Croft Holdings executives, Mr. Yaffe (Derek Jacobi) and Ana Miller (Kristen Scott Thomas), Lara takes a puzzle from Yaffe and solves it.  This leads to a secret chamber in the Croft family crypt, where Lord Richard urges her to burn all the research he's done on Himiko, a legendary Japanese Queen/Death Goddess.

Rather than burn all his work, she takes some of it to see if she can find Lord Richard, who disappeared searching for Himiko's tomb on an unknown island.

I pause to wonder, if her father is Lord Richard Croft, wouldn't that make her Lady Lara Croft?

She tracks down Lu Ren (Daniel Wu), whom she thinks sailed with her father to the unknown island.  In reality, it was Ren's father, who also disappeared.  He doesn't want to go, but money motivates him.

They find the island after a fierce storm, but are separated and Lara is captured by Mathias Vogel (Walton Goggins), who claims to have killed Lord Richard and has been trapped on this island in his vain search for Himiko's Tomb.  Fortunately, Lara brought along Lord Richard's notes, so now he can find it and get off the island and return to his two little daughters.  He forces Lara into slave labor, where she finds Ren again, along with others who were smuggled onto the island to be slaves.

She escapes and eventually find her father, very much alive.  Lara and Richard try to stop Mathias from opening the tomb, since Lord Richard is convinced Himiko is no myth and will unleash death and destruction upon the world.  Mathias' motives are vague to say the least: at times he just wants Himiko's powers, at times he just wants to bring Himiko out so that he can escape the clutches of 'Trinity', a secret organization bent on world domination.

The Crofts, along with Mathias and his henchmen, go into the tomb, passing many dangers until Himiko is found.  It's a desperate race then to get out once The Wrath of Himiko is unleashed, and not everyone survives.

Surprisingly, Lara does, returns to London to sign the papers, and finds that Ana Miller may be involved in Trinity.  However, that is probably going to be explored in the sequel Tomb Raider is signaling.

Wrong Ann Miller!

I guess I'm just one of those reviewers who gets hung up on details. When I remember Get Out, the only thing I took away from it was, 'why are there candles in the operating room?'.  I know why they are there: that's how Jordan Peele set up the fire to burn down the house.  I just thought it was wildly illogical to have candles in an operating room, but who am I to argue against an Oscar-winning comedic genius?

In Tomb Raider, one thing I became fixated on was the secret room in the Croft Family crypt.  If Gevena Robertson-Dworet and Alastair Siddons' screenplay is to be believed, this secret room has not been visited in seven years.  However, when Lara walks in, this secret room, unknown and unseen for at least seven years, is surprisingly clean.  No cobwebs, no dust anywhere, all the electrical equipment in perfect working order, and even the desk drawers are easy to open.

I don't know why, but the fact that this secret room hidden behind a crypt was so spotless was something I simply could not get over.

I think it does indicate what a lousy, illogical story Tomb Raider was.  I don't think I have seen a lazier franchise-starter, one that not only was idiotic but predictable and contradictory.

As soon as I saw Lara in that 'fox hunt' where she was the fox chased by a group of fellow couriers, I was waiting for her to get distracted and crash into a car.

No surprise when that happened.

As soon as I saw three Asian youth 'helping' Lara find a particular ship in Hong Kong, with her bag slung very loosely, I was waiting for them to grab it and for her to give chase.

No surprise when that happened.

As soon as I heard Lu Ren talk about 'the Devil's Triangle' and how dangerous that spot in the Pacific Ocean was, I was waiting for a storm to keep them off the island.

No surprise when that happened.

Again and again, Tomb Raider kept making ghastly decision after ghastly decision.  It's already bad enough that things were predictable, but director Roar Uthaug made these and other moments clumsy. We got an introduction to the Legend of Himiko, only to have Lord Richard via video tell his daughter the exact same information we got less than half an hour earlier.  I just wonder why we couldn't have had Lord Richard tell us this and skipped the uninteresting intro.

Uthaug could also have cut all of Nick Frost's appearance as a sleazy pawnbroker, none of which was funny or necessary to the overall story.

There are so many bad moments throughout Tomb Raider, so many illogical points that nothing could have cobbled it together into any sense of cohesion.  Mathias claimed to have killed Lord Richard, then when finding him, seems none-too-surprised.  Maybe he thought he killed Lu Ren's father, for he was most sincerely dead.  I guess in Tomb Raider, Asian Lives Don't Matter.

Despite the fact that Lu Ren appeared on the island at the same time Lara Croft did, Mathias and his henchmen apparently don't see a connection.

Mathias himself as a character was so needlessly contradictory.  The film wants us to find him a frightening, evil villain: he kills an old man in cold blood.  The film wants us to find him a sympathetic, conflicted character: we see a framed picture of his two small girls in his tent. We hear how 'Trinity' is keeping him on this island until he find Himiko's Tomb, but he also tortures and torments slaves.

I actually enjoyed a short film of my own imagination, where Lady Lara Croft finds Mathias' two young daughters and tells them, 'Well, your dad killed my dad, so I killed your dad.  We square?'

Given the ridiculously brief time Scott Thomas is in the film, why would we think she was some sort of Trinity Overlord when we don't know who she is or what Trinity actually relates to?  She's just there to set up a sequel, and despite my constant warnings to Never End Your Movie By Suggesting There Will Be A Sequel, people still are too lazy about including such things, believing that's all audiences want.

Perhaps the worst aspect of Tomb Raider is what the film did to the title character herself.  In the film, she comes across as less bad-ass genius and more an archaeological Mrs. Magoo, stumbling into success with no explanation.  In the beginning, we see her easily taken down in mixed martial arts, having to humiliatingly tap out.  By the end, she manages to overpower a whole group of armed men down to killing one of them in hand-to-hand combat.

She manages to solve elaborate, deathly puzzles in the most oddball way and translate pictographs and ancient Japanese texts despite never seeing any proof she has any actual education (in the film, she tells her dad she didn't go to University).

Bless Alicia Vikander, who gave it her all to make Lara interesting and believable.  She would make a good action star, but Tomb Raider is such a waste of her talents and skills.  No matter how hard she tried, I could never believe the character as written and presented, who was so dumb as to not pay attention when she was cycling and end up crashing into a police car, could have managed to survive a falling, rusted airplane hanging precariously over a water.

Granted, this set piece was not bad, but not enough to make anything here plausible, let alone interesting.

The Hong Kong sequence and Wu were here just to appeal to the Chinese market, down to having dialogue in Chinese to make it easier for the real target audience not to depend on voiceovers or subtitles.

West and Goggins were similarly wasted, and Scott Thomas and Jacobi just were there for the money.

Tomb Raider, the more I think on it, angers me.  It is such a waste of potential: potential for Vikander, potential for a great character.  The script needed a massive overhaul, and the performances save Vikander weren't worthy of the cast's abilities.  If it were not for her, I would have rated the film lower.

As it stands, I think I'm being far too generous as it is.

DECISION: D-

Need For Speed: A Review

NEED FOR SPEED

I have one memory of video games that date from this century.  It was when Halo was all the craze.  In an uncharacteristic move from my friends, they invited me to play Halo.  I had not come into contact with a joystick since perhaps Mrs. Pac-Man, so this was a surprise.  I did my best but it was clear I wasn't going to help them kill things.  I spent a large chunk of my time trying to figure out how to move my character, and for a few minutes all I could do was spin around in circles because I didn't know which buttons did what (no matter how often others gave vague hand gestures to help me out).  At one point, Nacho (who took Halo FAR too seriously), told me to basically just stay there and not move.  Actually, he said something harsher and in such a forceful manner that everyone just froze for a few seconds.  Needless to say, I got up and stormed out.  Nacho, realizing he'd gone too far, went after me, and it was at this point that I came as close as I hope to ever come to punching someone.  My arm was in position, he was just millimeters from my face...it took all my strength to pull back.

I open my review for Need For Speed this way because I need to let people know that I have no idea what the source material is like.   I don't play video games and really never cared to.  Therefore, how close or far Need For Speed is something I can't say.  The film itself is nothing more than an excuse to show fast cars doing unbelievable things.  There are no actual characters or a real story behind Need For Speed.  Having said that, the film is not good, but nowhere near a disaster.

Tobey Marshall (Aaron Paul) is a racing legend in Mt. Kisco, New York, racing in local events.  His garage is having financial trouble, and while he and his crew do their best, things are not going well.  Enter Dino Brewster (Dominic Cooper).  Even though he and Tobey have had a difficult relationship in the past, Dino offers a chance for Tobey to get out of debt if he does work on a Mustang to make it go even faster.  At the presentation, Tobey and his little buddy Pete (Harrison Gilbertson) brag about its speed to Julia (Imogen Poots), the car buyer's aide.  It does go fast, and while the car is sold for a bit less than what they hoped for it still fetches Tobey more than enough to get him out of debt.  Dino, however, challenges him to a winner-take-all prize.  Tobey reluctantly agrees, and his little buddy gets in on the race too, especially after he tells Tobey he had a 'vision' of Tobey winning the De Leon, a fabulously expensive underground race.

Pinkman's Revenge?

Well, as Tobey is about to win Pete is killed off in the race by Dino.  Tobey is held responsible, especially since he got out of his car to see about Pete (who had not only had a big rollover but flown off a bridge with his car on fire).  Two years later, he is out of prison for Pete's death, and he now wants revenge.  Somehow convincing the Mustang owner to let him borrow his car (with a reluctant Julia tagging along), they somehow manage to get from New York to California in less than 48 hours.  They do manage this, even stopping to get the old crew back together.  There is Joe Peck (Ramon Rodriguez), Finn (Rami Malek), and Benny (Scott Mescudi), who watches things from various planes and helicopters.  To try and stop Tobey, Dino puts a bounty on Tobey's head, telling others that he will give the person who wipes Tobey out one of his famous cars as payment.  An effort was made, but Tobey and Julia (who by now have fallen in love) do make it.  However, Tobey and Julia are hit just after they arrive in California and have registered in the De Leon.  Julia is forced to go to hospital and now Tobey and Dino must fight it out in the streets.

Curiously, Pete's sisters Anita (Dakota Johnson), who had been Dino's girlfriend and discovers that he had killed her brother, gives Tobey the car that places Dino at the scene of the crime all those years ago.  In the end, Dino gets his comeuppance, Tobey has to serve some time in jail (again) for the street racing and parole breaking, and he and Julia head off into the future.

One thing that I will be extremely negative on with Need For Speed is the 3-D.  I have complained often about 3-D (seeing it as the Work of the Devil).  Here, I found no reason why the film required such gimmicks.  Minus one or two brief moments, there was nothing that Need For Speed added with this cash-grab that wouldn't have worked without it.  Since I didn't pay for this ticket I am not complaining too much, but the film works well enough without 3-D and anyone interested in going to see it should stick with 2-D.

There are other things to point at to show Need For Speed is a dumb movie.  The script by George Gatins (with story by him and John Gatins) makes so many lousy decisions, and some very bizarre moments.  When in Detroit to get Finn back (and the film never answers how Tobey's crew fared after his imprisonment), Finn, who by now has a vague office job, decides to quit then and there.  He does this by slowly stripping off all his clothes (stopping to kiss a girl along the way) and leave the building completely naked.  While it is good to see Malek is in fine physical form, what this has to do with anything (apart from making him look completely insane) we don't know.

Other elements in this movie (far too long in its two-hour plus running time) that are put in are pretty much waste of our time.  The rivalry between Dino and Tobey is suppose to be lifelong, but oddly none of Tobey's friends or Anita think Dino would be capable of murder.  Joe does, since he scowls at Dino during the funeral, but rather than try to exonerate his friend or prove Dino guilty, he pretty much disappears from the screen until needed.  The romance between Julia and Tobey doesn't come across as real, playing as though this were something that is suppose to happen.  Benny's quick quips proved more annoying than endearing, and whenever we are away from the cars the movie sputters (pun intended).

Another aspect in Need For Speed that is lacking is logic.  This De Leon race (which made me think was a version of The Cannonball Run) is suppose to be this secret underground race.  However, its impresario Monarch (Michael Keaton going all-out bonkers) apparently hosts a podcast and broadcasts the race live online.  Making things more confusing is Benny's actions.  He is this ace pilot who manages to take an Apache helicopter, complete with Army co-pilot (how we don't know) and also manages to get the illegal race shown to him in an army jail thanks to a pretty army guard. 

No worries.
I got two Emmys.

I'd say Benny is the most annoying character in his goofy persona (at one point, he manages to take a news helicopter and manages to zoom the camera at three hot women running by the water).  However, given that the performances aren't what one goes for in Need For Speed, we can forgive a lot.  We can forgive Cooper cashing a check as Dino, who is so obviously evil he doesn't bother to try to make him even remotely pleasant.  We can also forgive Keaton also cashing a check.  In his favor, he made Monarch into this bonkers figure who pretty much knew he was crazy and didn't care.   Poots was apparently never sure how she was suppose to come across: as either a bright capable woman or a dim-witted damsel in distress.

As for Paul, well, first I was surprised how deep his voice was.  However, having seen only one episode of Breaking Bad, he might have had that strong voice all this time.  There really was nothing in the script for Paul (or any actor) to latch onto, but in Paul's favor he played it as though he knew the script was weak and did the best he could with it. 

One thing in Need For Speed's favor is the multi-ethnic cast.  As someone who has been highly critical of how minorities are underrepresented in Hollywood, Need For Speed had a full mix of actors whose ethnicity was irrelevant.  There was a Hispanic, an African-American, and even an Arab-American with major parts, and moreover they weren't asked to play up stereotypes or used as tokens.  In short, they were allowed to play characters, not caricatures.  No mention was made that Joe Peck was played by a Latino, or that Finn was Arab.  This I consider a positive step.

There is no getting away from the shadow cast by the Fast & Furious franchise, and while Need For Speed at times plays like F&F's poor relation (yes, right down to the multicultural cast), a big benefit comes from the actual car chases/stunts.  There was virtually no CGI in Need For Speed, which made some of the stunt work all the more impressive.  Of particular note was when Tobey had to have his Mustang filled up as he was driving (not safe in so many ways) and when in Detroit he flies across a tree. 

When it comes to the stunts, director Scott Waugh delivers the goods.  When it comes to everything else (story, performances, plot), he apparently didn't bother.   

I wavered between recommending or not recommending Need For Speed.  I think this is the type of film that knows it's pretty much nonsense from the get-go and makes few if any apologies for it.  This is not a movie one needs to speed to (and especially not for 3-D).  It is far too long and nowhere near justifies its punishing length (stretches of time are wasted on needless things, like Julia and Tobey's getaway in Nebraska).  The situations, plot, and performances are clichéd and dumb.   However, the car scenes and mindless (and I do mean mindless) entertainment value of Need For Speed make it something to watch if nothing else is on and if you just want to images to wash over you.  It won't tax your mind, don't worry about following the story or thinking you will watch great performances (it has none), so just sit back and enjoy the ride. 

DECISION: C+

Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time. A Review (Review #90)

PRINCE OF PERSIA: THE SANDS OF TIME

And Iran, Iran So Far Away...

Let's get some things straight: 1.) the correct pronunciation is E-rawn or E-ran, not I-ran. 2.) Persians are NOT Arabs. Ask any Persian/Iranian and they will be quick to point out they may have an Islamic faith system, but they are not of the same stock as their neighbors to the West (Iraqi, Jordanian, Syrian for example).

Such details are completely unimportant to the creative team behind Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time. After all, what we get is this vaguely-Arabian Nights feel that takes elements from other films such as Aladdin and The Thief of Bagdad and blends them into a hoped-for franchise.

Dastan (Jake Gyllenhaal) is a street urchin who catches the eye of King Sharaman (Rodney Pickup) after seeing him stand up against his guards. The King adopts Dastan and raises him among his other sons, Tus (Richard Coyle) and Garsiv (Toby Kebbell). Fifteen years later, Tus, Garsiv, Dastan, and their uncle Nisam (Sir Ben Kingsley) have learned that there are weapons of mass destruction (in the form of super-sabers) in the holy city of Alamut and they decide to attack it before these WMDs fall into their enemies hands. Once the city is taken, they discover there are no WMDs (excuse me, no munition factories), but there is a temple ruled over by the beautiful Princess Tamina (Gemma Arterton), or as I lovingly called her, Princess Tam-Tam.

She tries to get a Sacred Dagger smuggled out of the city but Dastan captures it not knowing its true importance. When the King arrives, he is assassinated via a poisoned robe (not unlike that Greek myth of Medea), a robe Dastan had given the King. Now suspected as the assassin, Dastan takes flight, with Tam-Tam joining him so as to stay close to the dagger.

We all discover that this is no mere dagger...it is a dagger that allows the holder to go back in time. However, it is the sands within the dagger that allow the holder to change the future, but that sand has run out and they must travel to find more of it, all while avoiding capture by Sheik Amar (Alfred Molina),who runs an illegal gambling empire, and the royal family and the Hassassins that have been hired to stop them at all costs.

I suppose it's my fault for not knowing the history of Prince of Persia. I was completely unaware that the film was based on a video game (the last one I've attempted to play was Halo, the end results being my banishment from ever playing it with my twenty-something friends).

I'm told that the device of the dagger to go back and change things is part of the game, and in that format it works. In terms of a film, this is the worst kind of deus ex machina: any time the characters are in a particular kind of danger for which they cannot engineer an escape all that has to be done is literally 'push the button' and their problems are solved. The script by Boaz Yakin, Doug Miro, and Carlo Bernard (with screen story by video game creator Jordan Mechner) takes this device to use three times, but they failed to understand that what works in the gaming world doesn't work in the cinematic world.

There is no real suspense in the predicaments of Dastan and Tam-Tam since we know they can get out of it with the greatest of ease. Worse is that the trio's script has the characters themselves tell us what we have either already seen or already know. After Dastan discovers the dagger's powers (and uses it twice in the same scene) he tells Tamina what he discovers, which is odd given that A.) she already knows this and B.) we already know this.

The tone and dialogue in Prince of Persia is so grandiose and self-important that it because at times laughable.

It may be that director Mike Newell didn't trust us to keep up and we had to be told plot points and exposition passed as dialogue. He might not have even trusted us to get the symbolism of an army invading a world that had not attacked them to stop alleged weapons from getting in the wrong hands but in really going after something of greater worth.

I have no conclusive proof that there was any attempt to suggest real-life events, but if it did, it only draws away from the fun that it was aiming for if a video-game film is trying to say something more.

This is tolerable, but what is just flat-out bizarre is all the British accents in Persia. Gyllenhaal in particular speaks with this faux-British tones that only draw more attention to the fact that he is in fact American. This is only part of the problem in his performance: there are moments when Gyllenhaal appears genuinely flustered and confused. Instead of a sure young man of action, we get a guy who just seems to stumble from one situation to another with no forethought into either how he got in or how to get out. I could not distinguish between either of Dastan's royal brethren, and the fact that they were so interchangeable leads one to conclude that they were really unnecessary to the overall plot.

Arterton's Princess was uneven: at times she was a spoiled girl who had a high opinion of herself and others she was a shrewd and feisty equal to Dastan and yet other times she was almost hopelessly naive.

As for Sir Ben Kingsley, it's hard to think he was taking any of this seriously so one shouldn't be too harsh on him.

The special effects were nothing extraordinary or amazing. In fact, they were almost creepy--Gyllenhaal looks frightening when he suspends time, and the Hassassins sent to go after Dastan and Tam-Tam were like the Princes or Sheik Amar's crew: indistinguishable.

Side note: I wonder why in the Hassassins' temple there is a Whirling Dervish dressed all in black since from what I understand the Dervish is from the Sufi branch of Islam which is a more mystical and contemplative form of the Muslim religion. The idea of a peaceful mystic performing an intimate act of prayer within the halls of a temple to quasi-Satanic killers is just odd, but I suppose the mishmash of Middle-Eastern/Persian/Islamic cultures is par for the course in a film like Prince of Persia.

Harry Gregson-Williams' score was vaguely-Arabic in sound, but it was a constant presence throughout the film, doing what a musical score is not suppose to do: draw attention to itself.

There were so many elements that Prince of Persia had were silly: I sat there thinking, 'Really? An ostrich race?' 'Really? Girls serving drinks at said ostrich race looking like Vegas waitresses?' The ending was really what killed the film: Dastan stabs himself in front of the new King Tus and then Tus hits the button to find he can quite literally turn the sands of time back, thus bringing our hero (and star for any sequel) back to life. Not that it does Tus any good to know what is going on.

As it stands, after finally entering the temple (which I guess would be the final level), what we get is the Ultimate Deus Ex Machina (ie. a cop-out), where we go almost back to the very beginning. That kind of plot device is so abhorrent--it means that basically everything is resolved and all the characters long dead are now magically back to life. We all could ask basically then what was the point of going through all this if we're just going to have everything taken care of as if nothing had happened (and in a sense, it never has), but if there is to be a sequel (and the title, complete with colon, implies there is), why invest any interest in the characters if the dagger will solve all their problems?

One last note.  If having non-Arabs/Persians play Arabs/Persians is offensive, while I am on your side, I'm sure better ethnically incorrect castings can be found.  However, having Jake Gyllenhaal play a Persian will or should rank up there among the worst miscastings, alongside Charlton Heston's Mexican and Mickey Rooney's Japanese turns.

I hope Jake Gyllenhaal had fun showing off his new physique and that he can play something other than a tortured individual (see examples: Brokeback Mountain, Brothers). He I'm sure had fun preparing for the role by playing video games. As it stands, though not very exciting or funny or interesting, I'd rather this Prince of Persia be A bomb than have the current Prince of Persia have THE bomb.

DECISION: D+