Beyond the Poseidon Adventure: A Review

BEYOND THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE

This review is part of the Summer Under the Stars Blogathon. Today's star is Shirley Jones.

Nothing succeeds like success. After The Poseidon Adventure became a massive hit, it is not a surprise that a sequel followed. Perhaps seven years was too long a wait. Perhaps that was also the first sign that Beyond the Poseidon Adventure was going to be a disaster, but not in the good way. Not exactly a remake per se, Beyond the Poseidon Adventure is neither fun nor exciting.

It is right after the Poseidon capsized on New Year's Day when the tugboat Jenny comes upon it. The Jenny's three crew, having survived the same storm that threw the Poseidon over, see that they can claim salvage rights to the Poseidon. Jenny's captain, Mike Turner (Michael Caine) is eager to find anything in the Poseidon that will get him to pay his debts and save the Jenny. His second-in-command, Wilbur (Karl Malden) is also excited on the salvage prospects. Their passenger, the ever-perky Celeste (Sally Field) goes along with this because she has no choice.

Once near the Poseidon, the Jenny crew are surprised to find another ship coming alongside the Poseidon. It is the Greek medical ship Irene, headed by Dr. Stefan Svevo (Telly Savalas). He claims to have received the Poseidon's S.O.S. and search for more survivors. Pulling their resources, the Irene and Jenny crew go into Poseidon. Here, they find more survivors. The first group is made up of nurse Gena Rowe (Shirley Jones) and passengers Frank Mazzetti (Peter Boyle) and Suzanne Constantine (Veronica Hamel).

Frank is desperate to find his daughter Theresa, and fortunately Theresa (Angela Cartwright) did survive. She is found in the purser's office, alongside hunky elevator operator Larry Simpson (Mark Harmon) and Dewey "Tex" Hopkins (Slim Pickens). Tex has a bizarre fixation for a Baune 1865 wine that he found, saying that there are only six in the world. Despite the diamonds, gold and cash around him, Tex thinks the wine is worth far more and will not let it go. Eventually, they come upon two more survivors: Harold and Hannah Meredith (Jack Warden and Shirley Knight). They seem almost resigned to die, as Harold is blind and will not leave, causing Hannah to refuse to leave him. They are talked into joining the others in a bid for life.

The Greek medical team splits from the Jenny trio, who mix their salvage search for a rescue of the Poseidon survivors. There is in truth a malevolent reason for not trusting the Greeks. Far from being rescuers, Svevo has come in search of what we eventually discover is plutonium, along with arms for smuggling. Svevo has an inside person among the survivors, but this agent will not live to reveal anything. After the inside person's body is found, the survivors fear that there is a serial killer aboard. Svevo cannot let anyone outside his circle live. Who will make it out Beyond the Poseidon Adventure?

Irwin Allen pulls double duty as both producer and director in Beyond the Poseidon Adventure. That should have been the second sign that the film was going to be wildly misguided, or perhaps misdirected. There is no sense of danger or menace to be found. Instead, you see a lot of actors floundering about (no pun intended). Allen as a director could not build up suspense or danger or interest in what was going on. So many scenes look as if not even the actors are taking things seriously. 

Savalas seems to be having a grand time being a villain. He apparently decided that it was better to make Svevo into a calm villain. Savalas never rages or rants. He is quite rational, cooly detached from things. He is a highlight of Beyond the Poseidon Adventure, as if he accepted that this was a nice paycheck. Bless Shirley Jones, who also managed to play scenes straight even while having to say idiotic things. "If Captain Turner's right and there is a homicidal maniac on board this ship and it's not Dr. Svevo then he's in as much danger as we are" she scolds I believe Mazzetti. Any actress who could get through such a line without breaking out into laughter deserves credit.

As a side note, wouldn't even homicidal maniacs be more interested in saving their own lives than in going on murderous sprees if they are trapped on a sinking ship? 

I think a major problem with Beyond the Poseidon Adventure is that, unlike the original, we get very little chance to know the characters. If anything, we are given little bits about who these people are. Blind. Perky (irritatingly so). Whiny. Loud. Bossy. Murderous. As such, there is no sense of why we should care. That may also be why more often than not, we would not mind seeing some of these people die.

That is the case with Sally Field's Celeste. Put aside for a moment that for the longest time we did not learn her name (if memory serves right, she was referred to as "Honey"). Right from the get-go, you sense that Celeste is a dimwit who would be better off being left aboard the Poseidon. How else to explain how her idea of "helping" during the storm was to smash the tugboat's window? To be fair, she did not intentionally smash it. However, why did she think that using a coatrack would help in the situation? Beyond the Poseidon Adventure wants to suggest some kind of romance will eventually evolve between Celeste and Mike. It is a strange suggestion given that Captain Mike is pretty contemptuous of Celeste and understandably so. 

The film ends with Celeste pulling out a large diamond after they have lost the rest of the treasures that they managed to salvage. Mike looks at our perky (VERY perky) heroine. "Gonna kiss me now?", she asks. "I was gonna kiss you anyway", he replies. That may be the most eye-rolling bit of dialogue from Nelson Gidding's adaptation of Paul Gallico's novel. However, other elements fail to keep us interested.

Peter Boyle was affected by being one of the one-note characters. I think that he might have been the new Rogo from The Poseidon Adventure, the one who questioned every decision and was crabby about it. However, while I think that Boyle tried, the end result was more laughable than interesting. It takes, I suppose, a lot of work to be out-acted by Mark Harmon, but there it is. Stabs at pathos, such as with Karl Malden and Slim Pickens' characters, also fall flat. Tex's true identity, along with his refusal to let go of the bottle, were more absurd than moving. To be fair, I did admire Tex's devotion to his wine.

I don't know if, unlike Boyle, Michael Caine tried to make any of this serious. Predating his open cash grab role in Jaws: The Revenge by eight years, Caine seems to have problems when in stories involving water. He barked a lot and was given a pretty thankless role, so to speak. Maybe he did the best he could with it. Or maybe he realized that Beyond the Poseidon Adventure was silly and opted to roll with it. 

All of that, I suppose, could be forgiven if Beyond the Poseidon Adventure were action-packed. There were efforts at that with shootouts and an explosion to top off the film. However, they were not exciting. They seemed to be more play than real. I am also curious about the plutonium found on the Poseidon. Again, I won't wade into the waters as to why the Poseidon was being used to smuggle arms and plutonium, especially given that this was going to be the Poseidon's final voyage. 

The Poseidon ultimately explodes due to the damage the ship has. I do not recall that Svevo's men managed to get the plutonium's container aboard the Irene before the explosion. Even if they did, I figure that the ferocity of the Poseidon's explosion would have taken the Irene out. As such, shouldn't the plutonium have also exploded? If it did, how did anyone manage to escape?

Oh well, perhaps that is thinking too much on things. Beyond the Poseidon Adventure is a misguided effort to keep things going from the first film. To misquote a lyric from West Side Story, let Beyond the Poseidon Adventure sink into the ocean.

DECISION: D+

Terminator 2: Judgement Day. A Review

TERMINATOR 2: JUDGEMENT DAY

The war between humans and machines continues in Terminator 2: Judgement Day. The sequel to The Terminator more than equals its source material. A richer, deeper film with visual effects that still hold up, Terminator 2: Judgment Day is a great thrill ride. 

Narrated in voiceover by Sarah Connor (Linda Hamilton), we learn that the artificial intelligence known as Skynet continues battling the human resistance for control. Skynet sends into the past a new Terminator, the T-1000 (Robert Patrick), which can change shapes and is made out of almost indestructible liquid metal. Having failed to kill John Connor before he was born, Skynet now plans to kill him as a child.

Under the disguise of a police officer, the T-1000 has tracked down John Connor (Edward Furlong). John is making do with his newest foster parents, with Sarah locked up in a mental institution, her stories about the past believed to be deranged ramblings. It looks like the T-1000 will complete his mission. However, the Resistance has its own Terminator. It is a modified T-800 (Arnold Schwarzenegger). John is terrified of both Terminators but eventually learns that the T-800 has been reprogrammed to be John's protector, not murderer.

The T-800 realizes that the T-1000 has already murdered John's foster parents to get to him. John now is determined to rescue his mother, with whom he has a strained relationship, from the mental hospital. He also orders the T-800 to not kill people, which the Terminator is obliged to obey. The rescue works, though coincidentally Sarah had managed to make an escape attempt that very night.

Despite their differences, John and Sarah now go into the desert to acquire weapons and escape into Mexico. She also sees John bonding with the T-800 in a way that he hasn't with anyone. A dream about Judgment Day, when Skynet will unleash a nuclear holocaust, convinces her that Skynet can and should be stopped. She learns that Cyberdyne researcher Miles Dyson (Joe Morton) will have a breakthrough that will start the rise of Skynet. She sneaks off to kill Dyson, with John and the T-800 in hot pursuit. Will she be able to kill someone who technically has done nothing wrong? Will the T-1000 find them? It will be a battle to the bitter end to save humanity, a battle where not everyone survives. 

Terminator 2: Judgment Day is a sequel where I do not think that you need to see the original to follow the plot. James Cameron, who returns to direct the film and who cowrite the screenplay with William Wisher, gives the viewer a bit of a reprise through Sarah's voiceovers. The film was wise to limit these voiceovers and let the story play out. It also was wise in having some of those voiceovers give us Sarah's thoughts. We see Sarah as both despairing and hopeful. Hamilton has a wonderful monologue where the audience sees John interact with the T-800. 

This bit of respite allows us to see that at this moment John is not the great leader of the Resistance. He is a kid, one who wanted a father figure and found one in the most unlikely of beings. Hamilton conveyed Sarah's sanity, intelligence and strength when in the hospital and her escape. We also see the human side when she struggles to kill Miles. 

I think one of Terminator 2's great strengths is that it takes the premise seriously. The film, both in its various action scenes and quieter moments, does not play the situations for straight-out laughs. That is not to say that Terminator 2 does not have a bit of humor. Early in the film, the T-800 walks out of the biker bar where he has acquired what he needs to the song Bad to the Bone. At the film's climax, the T-1000 gently mocks Sarah and John by waving his finger menacingly, almost as if scolding them for trying to defeat him. It is simultaneously amusing and alarming.

An undervalued aspect of Terminator 2 may be the performances. Arnold Schwarzenegger became a star with The Terminator, and here he manages to expand his original role. Granted, he is playing a reprogrammed T-800. However, his deadpan manner when attempting to recreate human responses works. He keeps a balance between robotic and almost more lighthearted. In short, Schwarzenegger brings a touch of humor and even emotion. His use of "Hasta la vista, baby," has become a catchphrase, and the film set that use up brilliantly. I think that few people will not be genuinely moved at the end, when he gives a final thumbs up to the young boy who has grown to love him and a former adversary who has grown to trust him.

That adversary also did remarkably well. Linda Hamilton balanced Sarah Connor's strength with her vulnerability. She is physically strong, able to take down those who fight her. She also, however, manages to show that Sarah genuinely struggles with killing someone who has not harmed her. It is a very strong performance.

More credit should be given to both Cameron and Robert Patrick as the T-1000. It was a wise decision to cast someone who is not physically imposing like Arnold Schwarzenegger is. Patrick is lithe, but that makes the T-1000 more menacing. His physicality is seemingly not threatening, but we see in Patrick's performance a deadly determination. Like his predecessor, this Terminator is relentless, unyielding and highly dangerous. When he has to play human, Patrick does well in his interactions with his other cast members.

Furlong too balanced the youthfulness of John Connor with a jaded, cynical young man. He has wonderful interplay with Schwarzenegger as the father figure he would have wanted. Furlong also has great moments with Hamilton. They were sometimes in conflict, but also with deep love between mother and son.

The highlight of Terminator 2 is in its visual effects, one of the four categories where the film was acknowledged with Academy Awards. Even now, almost thirty-five years later, the visual effects not only still stand up well but are quite impressive. Of particular note is the T-1000, this liquid figure that shapes itself and reflects whatever is in front of it. The visual effects heighten the tension and suspense in the film. The escape from the mental hospital with the T-1000 in hot pursuit is thrilling, the visual effects making things more so.

That is not to say that, in retrospect, some of the visual effects are shockingly bad. The brilliant hospital escape is followed by some of the worst rear-screen projections that I have seen. Some of the model work is also a bit weak.

Those are minor points, however. Terminator 2: Judgement Day is probably my favorite action film of all time. I admit to being slightly prejudiced in its favor. I am not unaware of whatever flaws it has. However, I still love the film. I also love the closing song, Guns N' Roses' You Could Be Mine, though I'm not the band's biggest fan.  Terminator 2: Judgement Day is a thrilling action picture with a heart. It is a worthy sequel which I think outdoes the original film. 

Pity that pretty much all that came after never lived up to the first two films. 

DECISION: A-

Psycho IV: The Beginning. The Television Movie

PSYCHO IV: THE BEGINNING

One more round with our favorite serial killer Norman Bates in Psycho IV: The Beginning. I do not know if one needs to quibble how a Part IV (or 4 for those unfamiliar with Roman numerals) can be "the beginning". This is especially true since Psycho IV is both prequel and sequel to the original film. With some strong performances, Psycho IV serves as a good way to close out this epic series but a poor way to set up any new films.

Late night radio talk show hostess Fran Ambrose (CCH Pounder) is covering the subject of matricide on Talk of the Town (which is also called The Fran Ambrose Show). Among her guests is Dr. Leo Richmond (Warren Frost), who once examined a mother-killer named Norman Bates. Into this comes a caller calling himself "Ed", with his own tale of murdering his own mother.

That caller is in reality Norman Bates (Anthony Perkins), who recounts his story. As a young man (Henry Thomas), he was loved, smothered and abused by his mother Norma (Olivia Hussey). Sometimes she could be very tender and loving. Other times, she would put Norman in compromising positions, enraging her if he got aroused. She would even force him to wear women's clothes. Things are already unstable when Norma begins an affair with Chet Rudolph (Thomas Schuster). Chet is a bully, and he also threatens Norman's place in Norma's world. With that, he poisons them both.

This is already concerning to Fran and Dr. Richmond, who eventually realizes who "Ed" is. The true horror is that Norman, who has married his former psychiatrist Connie (Donna Mitchell), has informed him that she is pregnant. Norman was always dead set against having children, fearing that they would inherit his insanity. Connie, however, opted to get pregnant anyway. Now, on what is his birthday, he tells Fran and her listeners that he plans to kill her and her unborn child to stop the insanity. Will Norman be able to break free of the past once and for all, or will he kill one more time?

For better or worse, for good or ill, Anthony Perkins was so good as Norman Bates that he was never able to fully escape his shadow. Whatever feelings he might have had about his most famous role, Perkins brought a mix of menace and tragedy in Psycho IV. He was eerily calm as Norman, a man who could casually cook while telling strangers of his murderous plan. Joseph Stefano, who wrote the original Psycho script, came back and added as much to the character as Perkins' performance. We see how Norman Bates was shaped by his mother, a disturbed woman who could offer moments of genuine love and kindness between psychological torture.

Stefano's script also allows for some black humor, intentional or not, to emerge. When Connie calls Norman about the possibility of him making his own cake, he tells her, "I'm not good at icing". I do not know if it was meant straight or some kind of pun. I do know that I found it amusing.

As a side note, I cannot help but think that Norman using the name "Ed" was a nod to Ed Gein, the inspiration for Norman Bates. 

Psycho IV ignores the sequels that came before and takes a "back to basics" manner. We go back to Norman's origins to find at heart a good kid, a shy kid, who struggles with sexual desires. Director Mick Garris deserves much credit in how Psycho IV's shifts from past to present are not jarring or feel out of place. He does also attempt to keep tension building in the present-day sections. For instance, there is a strong debate between Fran, Dr. Richmond and Talk of the Town/Fran Ambrose Show's producer Mike (John Landis) about whether or not to contact the police about Norman/Ed's call. 

It is impossible to imagine anyone other than Anthony Perkins playing the part of Norman Bates. However, we found a worthy successor in Henry Thomas. Thomas has an almost innocent manner to his young Norman, making the moments when he is psychologically or physically tortured more difficult to see. He, however, is no wimp. He also shows a more calculated manner, capable of cruelty and violence. In Psycho IV, we see Norman killing more people. Here, we see Thomas able to make Norman both villain and victim.

The late Olivia Hussey was still quite beautiful in Psycho IV. She was able to show the shifts between the good mother and the bad mother quite well. One does wonder why the filmmakers opted to let her keep her British tones as that makes her sound curious in this American setting. Despite that, Hussey made Norma frightening and cruel without making her thoroughly inhuman. CCH Pounder is an underused talent, and here she managed to hold your attention as Fran Ambrose, the talk show hostess with a most eccentric caller. Warren Frost did well as the smug Dr. Richmond, though I wonder how he did not recognize "Ed" sooner given how he had examined him long ago.

Donna Mitchell was probably the weakest performance as Connie Bates, the original Harley Quinn. Once we got to the third act where Norman plans to ice his wife, the television film lost a bit of its footing. It would have been too much to see him go this far. It did not help that Mitchell looked a bit blank at times. 

On the whole, Psycho IV: The Beginning works well. It has strong performances from Anthony Perkins and Henry Thomas as Norman Bates as well as Olivia Hussey as Norma Bates, mother from hell. It has a good story that builds on the original without diminishing or trashing said original. Psycho IV: The Beginning is a good way to end the original franchise.

Little did anyone involve know that this would not be the end of Norman Bates.

7/10

PSYCHO FILMS AND TELEVISION

Psycho (1960)

Psycho II

Psycho III

Psycho (1998)

Bates Motel (Television Movie)

Bates Motel (Television Series)

Karate Kid: Legends. A Review (Review #1980)

KARATE KID: LEGENDS

I have in the past expressed puzzlement over how Ghostbusters became a franchise, with various film and animated series spinning from the first film. I now turn to another beloved 1980's film that also created its own universe. Karate Kid: Legends is the newest entry into an unexpected franchise of four previous films and a television series. Curiously, I saw both the first Ghostbusters and The Karate Kid when theaters reopened after the forced COVID shutdowns. I was surprised at how long both films were. Yet I digress. Pleasant enough, harmless enough, Karate Kid: Legends pretty much coasts on said legends.

Li Fong (Ben Wang) moves from Beijing to New York City due to his mother (Ming-Na Wen) taking a new job as a doctor there. She also wants to move Li away from her uncle Han (Jackie Chan), who has been training his great-nephew in kung fu. While Dr. Fong does love Han, she blames in part for the death of her other son, killed in a stabbing after a kung fu tournament by the person he defeated. For his part, Li is still deeply traumatized by his inaction during the stabbing but still yearns to learn kung fu.

It takes approximately less than a week for Li to meet pretty Mia Lipani (Sadie Stanley) and gain a bitter enemy in Conor Day (Aramis Knight). Conor is the five-borough champion in kung fu. He is also tied to loan sharks who are putting the squeeze on Mia's father, retired boxer turned pizza restauranteur Victor Lipani (Joshua Jackson). Victor has decided that only a comeback to the ring will help get him enough money to pay off the loan sharks and maybe have some left over for Mia's education.

As Mia and Li begin a slow dance of romance, Li finds it difficult given that Mia and Conor have had a bad romance in the past. In exchange for teaching her Mandarin, she shows Li New York. For her part, Dr. Fong hires Alan Fetterman (Wyatt Oleff) to tutor Li on his math, and he becomes an unofficial friend and love advisor. 

Things come to a head when Victor's near comeback is thwarted by sucker punches that leave him close to death. The trauma of Li's brother's death returns, along with the guilt and anger from Mia. Also returning? Han, who has come to train him. Han, however, is not alone, for he eventually talks Han's late friend Miyagi's favorite and best student to help him. With that, Li trains with both Han and Daniel LaRusso (Ralph Macchio). Will their training help Li defeat Conor and save Victory Pizza? Will Li find redemption and romance? Will Daniel delight in New York pizza with his frenemy Johnny Lawrence (William Zabka)?

The most that I can in favor of Karate Kid: Legends is that children, mostly if not totally unfamiliar with what came before, will like it. A couple of them cheered and applauded at the conclusion of the Li/Conor match on a New York City rooftop. Perhaps I can be positive also in noting that Rob Lieber's screenplay managed to integrate Han from the 2010 Karate Kid reboot/Jaden Smith vanity project into the overall Karate Kid mythos. It might even merit extra points in how Karate Kid: Legends did not include Jaden Smith at all.

I would be remiss if I did not complement some of the cast. Of particular note are Wang and Stanley as Li and Mia. Individually and together, Wang and Stanley did well in the film. Wang was charming when playing romantic with Stanley, a mix of innocent and almost arrogant goofiness. He handled the action scenes well too. Stanley, who to me looks like a younger Jennifer Lawrence, did not lean heavily into a Nuw Yawk accent, which was a plus. She too was charming as Mia, mostly balancing a sensible girl with someone who was aware of her own mistakes.

That is not to say that Wang and Stanley did not stumble at times. When attempting to play dramatic, both of them looked a bit exaggerated. However, that is not a dealbreaker in the overall positive performances that they gave.

What is harder to accept are both the adults and the overall story. While watching Karate Kid: Legends, I began to wonder who Victor Lipani was. He looked and sounded familiar, even with a bizarre New York accent that seemed very forced and unnatural. It took a while, but I finally realized that it was Pacey from Dawson's Creek. It is unfair to think that given that Joshua Jackson has had a solid career post-Dawson. It is not his fault that I can only remember him from a teen soap from over twenty years ago. What is his fault is the exaggerated tones of Victor's speaking. He was not convincing as this Brooklyn/Bronx boxer.

It also does not help that Karate Kid: Legends seems almost a bit of a Karate Kid remake with Li as Mr. Miyagi and Victor as Daniel-san. Long stretches of a surprisingly short film are taken up by Li training Victor to get him into shape for his comeback. Try as the film might, we are not invested in Victor's story because we should be invested in Li's story. 

Add to that how in other ways, Karate Kid: Legends still plays like a greatest hits album from a cover band. Conor is nothing more than a combination Johnny Lawrence pre-Cobra Kai and Terry Silver from The Karate Kid: Part III. I cannot say anything about Aramis Knight's acting ability because there was no character in Conor Day. He was EVIL from the first shot, and his efforts to be brutal at times veered towards comical. In some ways, it must have been the easiest money Knight could have made. His performance consisted of nothing more than posing and making faces, an antagonist needed because the film needed one.

I find that Karate Kid: Legends barely ties into the overall Karate Kid universe. Daniel LaRusso could easily have been written out without affecting any part of the film. Moreover, the way he gets involved is by a very thin thread. Why he opts to go to New York after saying that he wouldn't the film never answers. I know that Han is supposed to be Mr. Miyagi's good friend, but is that enough for Daniel to fly out and train some kid he does not know? Macchio is just there for nostalgia bait. 

Chan did better as Han, having some moments of drama and humor. I cannot say comedy, for the times that Karate Kid: Legends tried for laughs they fell flat for me. A training scene where Daniel and Han are debating their methods while causing Li to continuously fall was meant to be funny. It felt forced.

All that and more can be blamed on director Jonathan Entwistle. He was enamored of split-screen montages set to pop music. There were endless such scenes. By trying to be a bit flashy with the look, Entwistle only succeeded in drawing attention away from whatever heart Karate Kid: Legends was aiming for and more about how clever things can be. Having a video game ping sound whenever points are scored at the five-borough tournament is a little cringey. 

Finally, I think that while Macchio could have been removed without affecting the film, minimizing Ming-Na Wen's role to almost nothing should be thought of as the greater sin. 

Karate Kid: Legends is well-intentioned and harmless enough. It does have some funny bits (Mia calling Li "the Chinese Peter Parker" and a running gag about Li ordering "stuffed crust" from the pizza puritan Victor are pleasant). However, it is not as good as it could have been. Karate Kid: Legends fails to live up to its title.

DECISION: C-

The Exorcist: Believer. A Review (Review #1955)

 

THE EXORCIST: BELIEVER

After having not one but two prequels and two sequels, The Exorcist got a third sequel. The Exorcist: Believer, from what I understand, was meant to be the first of a new series of Exorcist films. Judging from what a fiasco Believer is, I think we can put that idea away. The Exorcist: Believer is a horror film in that it is horrible beyond imagining. 

While on a mix of a photographic assignment/vacation in Haiti, Victor Fielding (Leslie Odom, Jr.) and his heavily pregnant wife Sorenne (Tracey Graves) find themselves in the midst of a major earthquake. The voodoo blessing that Sorenne got for their baby girl Angela didn't help save Sorenne's life as Victor is forced to decide between saving the mother or the child.

Thirteen years later, the teen Angela (Lidya Jewett) still wonders about her mother. She and her BFF Katherine West (Olivia O'Neill) decide the best thing to do is having their version of a seance to contact her. They end up disappearing into the Georgia woods, terrifying their parents Victor and Tony & Miranda West (Norbert Leo Butz and Jennifer Nettles). The girls are eventually found, frightened, but what they think is a few hours has actually been three days. The deeply Christian West family and the atheist Fielding family are relieved to find the girls alive. However, they also observe their strange behavior. Angela attempts to strangle Victor with her mother's scarf. Katherine creates a scene at Service, screaming about "the body and blood".

What could be going on? To find out, Victor eventually seeks out Chris McNeill (Ellen Burstyn), who after her daughter Regan's exorcism has written a book and talked for years about their experiences. Could Angela and Katherine be possessed by a demonic force? Ann Brooks (Ann Dowd), a nurse and former nun, seeks out help from Father Maddox (E.J. Bonilla). However, it will take an all-hands-on-deck approach, as this exorcism will need the Baptist Pastor Revans (Ralph Sbarge), Victor's neighbor and Pentecostal minister Stuart (Danny McCarthy) and witch doctor Dr. Beehibe (Okwui Okpokwasili) along with Ann and a bit of Father Maddox to try and expel the dark forces from the girls. Who will live, who will die and who will be literally blinded by their own stupidity?

The Exorcist: Believer has a screenplay credited to Peter Sattler and director David Gordon Green, with story by Green, Scott Teems and most surprising to me, Danny McBride. It would not surprise me if more hands were involved in the script. However, if so, at least these people had the good sense to not want to be publicly recognized. 

The Exorcist: Believer is awful, awful, awful on every level imaginable. It might have even found new levels of awfulness unknown to man or demon. It is close to an hour in this almost two-hour movie before we get the first glimpses that something is satanically amiss. In that time, the audience must endure Leslie Odom, Jr.'s totally blank expression. The Exorcist: Believer has the worst single performance in Odom, Jr. to where one genuinely wonders if he can actually act or was just so bored with things he did not bother to act. No matter what the situation, Odom, Jr. had the same blank expression. 

The nadir of this expressionless performance is when Victor and Chris go to the West house to find Katherine. The house is in total shambles, yet Victor calls out for Tony as if everything is fine and he just happened to wander in. Absolutely no reaction to the conditions around him, Odom, Jr. carries on, apparently totally oblivious to how the West house was pretty much destroyed. 

The Exorcist: Believer also finally manages to drag then-91-year-old Ellen Burstyn into an Exorcist sequel (Linda Blair popping up in a last-second cameo). Blair appeared in Exorcist II: The Heretic, and Jason Miller decided that he needed work desperately enough to appear in The Exorcist III. Now, the set is complete, but at least Blair has the excuse that she was a teenager when she agreed to The Heretic. Burstyn should be embarrassed by this, particularly a noted line where she mentions that she herself did not witness Regan's exorcism.

"My opinion? Because I'm not a member of their damn patriarchy," she tells Victor over why she thinks she did not see the exorcism. Leave aside for the moment the patronizing and downright idiotic suggestion that sexism kept her out (I doubt that the two priests would have allowed anyone to witness, let alone participate in this ritual). In less than ten minutes, she ends up going alone into Katherine's room, attempting some kind of exorcism herself. Chris, who we are told is so knowledgeable about exorcisms that her memoir A Mother's Explanation is almost a how-to guide, gets literally stabbed in both eyes by a crucifix. For all of Chris' bemoaning about "the patriarchy", she ends up proving Fathers Merrick and Karras right in their exclusion of Chris. 

Every performance from the adults is deeply embarrassing to silly, making The Exorcist: Believer into almost a comedy. I won't pick on Jewett and O'Neill as they are children who were given a thankless job and, I believe, did the best that they could with what they had. The adults, however, had no excuse. They all en masse looked laughable. 

The Exorcist: Believer is worse in even the most basic elements of character. One wonders if anyone behind the film has ever met a Christian, let alone understand them. There is no way, NO WAY, that a Baptist minister would agree to participate in any kind of ceremony with essentially a witch doctor. The blending of Christian and occult practices would appall Reverend Revans (technically it is Pastor Revans, but I find the alliteration of Reverend Revans funny and perhaps unintentionally revealing). Moreover, The Exorcist: Believer seems to make the case that the occult practices of voodoo are what ends up saving at least one of the girls. After all, Believer begins with Sorenne receiving a blessing from a voodoo priestess.

Even if you rejected any objections to The Exorcist: Believer on it being almost vicious in how it treats Christianity be it Protestant, Catholic or Pentecostal, you cannot expect people to take seriously a character named "Dr. Beehibe". Demons flee at the name of Dr. Beehive. 

I now genuinely think that The Exorcist: Believer was not a serious attempt to make a horror film. It was meant as a spoof. Either that, or maybe Danny McBride just looked out the window, saw a beehive and said, "Now THERE'S my witch doctor who will take down the devil". When Katherine calls out "The body and the blood" at her service, I was howling with laughter. 

On so many levels, The Exorcist: Believer does not make any sense. Father Maddox, in a rushed scene, attempts to convince the local Catholic hierarchy about the need for the exorcism "based on what I witnessed with my own eyes". In the film, he witnessed nothing. As much as the film wants us to be shocked or horrified or empathetic towards the characters, we fell nothing. Well, perhaps contempt for them to where when the possessor demands that the parents choose between Angela and Katherine, I would have been fine if neither made it.

Should you be curious as to which child lives or dies, it should be clear. 

The Exorcist: Believer attempts to make things scary with its dominant greenish/bluish tinting throughout. The end result is just to make the film look ugly and laughable. The editing, particularly during dual examination of the girls, makes it almost frenetic to confused. 

Simultaneously boring and blasphemous, The Exorcist: Believer may not be just the worst film of 2023. It may be one of the worst films of all time.

DECISION: F-

THE EXORCIST FILMS

The Exorcist

Exorcist II: The Heretic

The Exorcist III

Exorcist: The Beginning

Dominion: Prequel to The Exorcist

The Exorcist III: A Review (Review #1947)

THE EXORCIST III

Have you ever started watching something and asked yourself, "Why did they bother to make this?" The Exorcist III screams out that question. Boring, unintentionally hilarious, with no sense whatsoever, The Exorcist III is a total disaster.

It has been fifteen years since the events of the original. Detective Kinderman (George C. Scott) continues a friendship with Father Joe Dyer (Ed Fladers), who comfort each other on the anniversary of the death of their mutual friend, Father Damien Karras. Kinderman is in the midst of an investigation of a set of serial murders which are eerily similar to those of The Gemini Killer. 

There is only one problem. The Gemini Killer is dead, executed years ago. Is there a copycat killer out there? Kinderman has an even more horrifying theory: the Gemini Killer is back. Could he really have returned from the dead? The case becomes personal once Father Dyer finds himself another one of this serial killer's victims. As more deaths begin plaguing the hospital that Father Dyer was at, we see that Karras is simultaneously alive and dead. 

While the body may be that of Karras, inside him is the soul of James Venamun (Brad Dourif), the original Gemini Killer. Will Kinderman be able to stop Venamun and his "Master" from killing more? Will Father Morning (Nicol Williamson) be able to expel the evil being from Karras' body? 

For as often as Exorcist II: The Heretic gets listed among the worst sequels ever made, I wonder if any of them has bothered checking out The Exorcist III. I am nowhere near saying that Exorcist II: The Heretic is any good. However, it had at least Richard Burton's wild overacting to make it bizarrely watchable. The Exorcist III could not even give us that.

To be fair, George C. Scott was doing his best to be his absolute worst in The Exorcist III. It is a thoroughly uneven performance, sometimes raging comically, sometimes looking literally sedated. His rapport with Flanders is nonexistent. No one would believe that these two even knew who the other was, let alone believe that they were longtime friends. Flanders was particularly appalling as Dyer, delivering all his lines in the same curt manner. Both he and Scott rattled their lines off each other in the same way, a robotic delivery that sounds as if it being punched out by a machine.

One feels for both Miller and Dourif, who are trying so hard to be menacing but still end up looking ridiculous. I feel especially for Miller, who agreed to be dragged into this fiasco. Father Karras' death in The Exorcist was moving and impactful. To upend all that by saying that his body was still running around and possessed by a serial killer is more than laughable. It undercuts the poignancy of The Exorcist and does not make any sense.

Dourif, forced to act in one room and chained up, did his best to make James Venamun/The Gemini Killer menacing and evil. I do feel for him as again, I think he did what he could. It did not work, but I think that has to do with the one masterminding the production.

William Peter Blatty, who wrote the original novel The Exorcist and won the Adapted Screenplay Oscar for the film, does double duty as both writer and director of The Exorcist III. I find that more often than not, first-time directors become fixated on the look of the film rather than what is actually on the screen. He wants to give moments of fright, and to be fair there is at least one moment of mild shock when a ghostly figure stalks a nurse. 

However, a lot of The Exorcist III is hilarious rather than horrifying. Of particular note are two scenes. The first is a dream sequence where Kinderman goes to what is best described as the Heavenly Grand Central Terminal. The station where people are awaiting to go somewhere heavenly looks cheap. You have odd cameos from Samuel L. Jackson and romance novel model Fabio as a blind man and angel respectively. Also popping up for reasons unknown are NBA star Patrick Ewing as the Angel of Death and both former Surgeon General C. Everett Koop and talk show host Larry King in a restaurant. Why they are there one can only guess. 

Making that scene the height of hilarity is when Scott comes up to a victim he knows and says almost cheerfully, "I'm sorry you were murdered, Thomas. I miss you". One is left dumbfounded that anyone watching a cut of The Exorcist III thought that this wasn't anything other than laughable. 

The second scene is when a possessed nurse goes to Kinderman's home to try and kill him and his family. The choppy editing is bad enough. It is the acting from everyone in the scene that is unspeakably hilarious. Those not asleep by now would be howling with laughter at how poorly acted and staged this supposed terrifying attack was. Blatty was not a director and should never have been given or asked for the job. 

The performances save perhaps Miller and Dourif ranged from merely bad to downright funny. There is no sense of tension, menace or suspense throughout. Some lines range from cringe to downright hilarious. Father Dyer tells a nurse, "May the Schwartz be with you". Why he felt the need to randomly quote Spaceballs only Blatty knows. Another time, Kinderman berates his staff by complaining that one of his subordinates wrote that rabies were "Jewish priests". Dourif, I believe, speaks about having "friends on the other side". Granted, this was long before The Princess and the Frog was made. However, one can't hear that line now without hearing Friends on the Other Side in his or her head.

There was no need for The Exorcist III to exist, and now no justification for this entire franchise either. In so many ways, The Exorcist III is a parody of The Exorcist that one wonders if the actual spoof Repossessed was more restrained and intelligent. 

DECISION: F

THE EXORCIST FILMS

The Exorcist

Exorcist II: The Heretic

Exorcist: The Beginning

Dominion: Prequel to The Exorcist

The Exorcist: Believer

Exorcist II: The Heretic. A Review

EXORCIST II: THE HERETIC

The Exorcist is continuously hailed as one of the greatest horror movies ever made. It was, I believe, the first horror movie to be a serious contender for Best Picture. Its status as one of the great films in cinema is secure. Exorcist II: The Heretic, conversely, is continuously hailed as one of the worst sequels ever made. Less a "what were they thinking" film and more a "are they quite literally insane" film, Exorcist II: The Heretic is at times an unintentional comedy, at other times flat-out bonkers.

It has been two years since the events in The Exorcist. Renegade and troubled Father Philip Lamont (Richard Burton) has been tasked by a Vatican cardinal (Paul Henreid) to investigate the late Father Merrin (Max von Sydow). Was he a heretic for his views on exorcism? Was he a hero for those same beliefs? It is time to find out and establish the truth once and for all. To do that, Father Lamont must go to talk, informally, to Regan McNeil (Linda Blair). Regan has no memories of her possession, though she is aware of it. Her therapist, Dr. Gene Tuskin (Louise Fletcher) is not a believer in evil and demonic possession. She does want to help Regan, so that means getting her under deep hypnosis.

Under hypnosis, Regan and Tuskin and later Regan and Lamont delve deep into Regan's mind. The demon Pazuzu, rather than being gone, is very much around. What is his hold on Regan? What of his hold of African boy Kokumo, who has fought against Pazuzu in the past? Lamont defies the Vatican's orders to stop the investigation and goes to seek out the adult Kokumo (James Earl Jones), who is now a scientist fighting the locust plague. Locust and Pazuzu are connected, as are Pazuzu and Regan. It becomes an ultimate battle between Pazuzu and Lamont for Regan, with Dr. Tuskin and Regan's caretaker Sharon (Kitty Winn) as collateral damage. Not all will survive the ultimate battle.

I think my summation of Exorcist II: The Heretic is probably more concise than the movie itself. A lot of Exorcist II does not make any sense. For example, Regan gives Father Lamont a surprisingly well-drawn image of him surrounded by flames. Out of this, Father Lamont immediately knows that Dr. Tuskin's psychiatric center is going to go up in flames. While it does, I cannot for the life of me figure out how he made that connection. 

This plot point seems to be taken from, unintentionally or not, The Omen, where the photographer took pictures that predicted someone's death. 

Everything involving the locust seemed to be equally oddball to silly. This starts from when Lamont goes to darkest Africa to find Kokumo. He first stops at a convent where Lamont attempts to hide his vocation by telling the pilot Edwards (Ned Beatty) that he is an archaeologist. Edwards immediately picks up that he is a priest. How? That's not important. We take a long time to get to Kokumo, with scenes involving Ethiopian Christians that make them look like voodoo practicioners. To be fair, the Ethiopians seem to have fun humiliating the white priest by taking him to "Kokumo" who ends up being a prostitute. 

Another part is when Regan, under if not possession at least psychological influence, comes close to falling off the roof of her penthouse home. It already looks strange that Regan, despite being fourteen years old, seems to live alone (the explanation as to why her mother is never around a ridiculously weak one). After surviving this rather horrifying experience, Sharon comes upon Regan on the penthouse roof, feeding the pigeons and surprisingly calm. OK, I can give a little leeway that maybe she does not remember being possessed or subconsciously influenced. How, however, does she not remember almost falling to her death? 

Exorcist II seems to almost delight in not making sense. I genuinely do not know if director John Boorman or screenwriter William Goodhart intended to make a comedy. However, that is what they got. How else to explain the unintentional hilarity of "Pazuzu vs. Kokumo"? These two names, bouncing off each other with abandon, make things sound funny.  

One of the most flat-out idiotic parts of Exorcist II is what is meant to be the great dramatic conclusion. In this section, everyone goes to the old Washington house where Regan's possession had taken place. Even with Lamont initially succumbing to the lusty temptations of Regan's double, how could they or anyone else in the neighborhood not hear the fiery crash that Tuskin and Sharon were in as they literally crashed into the house? Sharon, who for reasons I don't know called Regan a "stupid bitch", seemed fine with leaving Tuskin trapped in the car. Neither of them seemed concerned that the poor cab driver was killed. Tuskin was not too perturbed that Sharon literally went up in flames.

It is all very strange, very illogical. 

Exorcist II: The Heretic is filled with such, shall I say, curious acting that it makes thing watchable only in the same way that a car wreck is watchable. Richard Burton starts out all right. As the film went on however, he started looking more crazed, figuring that he is something so looney that even he couldn't go over-the-top. As he shouted, "FLAMES! FLAMES!" when he saw the picture Regan had drawn, I thought Burton might genuinely have been drunk. Burton has an almost unhinged intensity, as if the crazier he looks the more realistic he thinks it all is. By the end, one is simply not sure if Burton even knows or cares about what is going on. He might have been yelling out "Pizazz" for "Pazuzu" for all he knew. 

Louise Fletcher is quite quiet in Exorcist II: The Heretic. It is as if she thought that if she kept still and soft, no one would notice that she was in Exorcist II: The Heretic. I felt for Jones, who was made to dress up in this faux-native African garb when Father Lamont first meets him. To his credit, he did much better when he played the adult Kokumo, cooly dismissing the idea that he had once been possessed by Pazuzu. 

I won't beat up on Blair, who was seventeen to eighteen at the time. She did her best with a script that had her tell an autistic girl, "I was possessed by a demon". The fact that Blair didn't burst out laughing at such a ridiculous thing to say is a credit to her. Ned Beatty could have been cut entirely and added nothing to things. I figure he was just glad to have a job that probably paid him well and may have sent him on location to Africa. Perhaps the same can be said for Henreid in his final role. I did not even know that he was in Exorcist II: The Heretic. My sense is that he too does not want you to know that he was in Exorcist II: The Heretic. 

Exorcist II: The Heretic is also cursed with bad production design where the African village looks like a soundstage. It also has something vaguely pretentious and bizarre in its African sequences, full of locust flying straight at us and looking terrible in more ways than one. The sweeping camera work Exorcist II tries for here almost makes you nauseous. 

Exorcist II: The Heretic is, to be fair, not the disaster that I was led to believe. It is a bad film. It is a bad film in every way imaginable: poorly acted, nonsensical, at time unintentionally hilarious. It is not even a "so bad it's good" film. Despite this, I simply cannot find it in my heart to hate on it as much as everyone else seems to. 

Exorcist II: The Heretic is like seeing what a movie on acid would look like. 

DECISION: D-

THE EXORCIST FILMS

The Exorcist

The Exorcist III

Exorcist: The Beginning

Dominion: Prequel to The Exorcist

The Exorcist: Believer

Captain America: Brave New World. A Review

CAPTAIN AMERICA: BRAVE NEW WORLD

Is there anything left in the Marvel Cinematic Universe after thirty-five feature films and numerous television series?  How much more can the world's longest and most expensive soap opera give those who have remained steadfast and loyal to the decades-long franchise? Captain America: Brave New World is neither the disaster its detractors insist that it is nor a return to form the MCU shills and fanboys insist that it is. It is serviceable, disposable, forgettable.

Sam Wilson (Anthony Mackie) is still wielding the shield of Captain America, though as a black man, that is still something that he struggles with. This is especially true given the past history of his friend, Isaiah Bradley (Carl Lumbly), a hereto unknown super-soldier during the Korean War who was shafted due to racism. 

At least I think that is the gist of it since I did not watch the Disney+ show The Falcon and the Winter Soldier. 

There seems to be a rapprochement between Wilson and the new President, his former enemy Thaddeus Ross (Harrison Ford, replacing the late William Hurt). Ross is on the cusp of having a major treaty between the U.S., France, India and Japan to share Celestial Island, a massive body of land created during the events of Eternals. The island is filled with adamantium, a substance more powerful than vibranium, which is being horded by "an isolationist country" according to Ross. Fine way to talk about Wakanda, Thad.

As a side note, Eternals was released in 2021, so good luck remembering details from a film that flopped four years ago. 

However, there is evil at work determined to undermine this multilateral treaty. It even goes to an attempted assassination of President Ross, with Bradley being one of the hitmen. Could he be attempting revenge for his past imprisonment or was he brainwashed? Who wants to bring about worldwide destruction, and why? With his plucky sidekick Joaquin Torres, the new Falcon (Danny Ramirez), Captain America must fight against the villainous Serpent Society and its head, Sidewinder (Giancarlo Esposito). 

He, however, is merely a hired gun for the real mastermind, Samuel Sterns (Tim Blake Nelson). The gamma rays that brought about The Incredible Hulk did not affect Sterns' body but his mind, which Ross has been exploiting for his own purposes. Will Sterns be able to take a shocking revenge on his rival? Will Japan and the U.S. return to war? 

Perhaps it is best to remember that Captain America: Brave New World ties into events from a streaming television series that was made about three years ago, one film that was made four years ago, and another film that was made seventeen years ago. Those are the ones that I can remember, so I cannot vouch if other MCU films or television series were part of Brave New World's overall plot. 

The introduction of Samuel Sterns as this blend of Kevin McDonald's Medulla from Sky High and Sprout from the Green Giant commercials is simply going to go over most people's heads. I would not know who Samuel Sterns is, let alone remember anything about him from The Incredible Hulk. I literally had to look up my The Incredible Hulk review to see if Nelson was even in the film, let alone what his role was. That is the risk for this franchise, that is now so bogged down by its history that one needs an almost encyclopedian memory to know every nuance of whatever the five credited screenwriters cobbled together.

Ramirez/Falcon II and Isaiah Bradley were introduced in The Falcon and the Winter Soldier. If you didn't see that show, you run the risk of being a bit lost in Brave New World. Given that I went to see Brave New World at the Alamo Drafthouse which had a preshow containing a wry "Previously On"-type recap, I was not lost. If, however, you opted out of Falcon and Winter Soldier and/or forgot/did not see The Incredible Hulk, you might be scratching your head.

Moreover, you might not end up actually caring about any of the supposed stakes in Brave New World. Somehow, one would think that a war between Japan and the United States would be more tense and gripping. Same for when President Ross is almost assassinated before an international gathering. Also same for when President Ross becomes the Red Hulk and wreaks havoc on Washington, D.C. Here, all of it was nothing. 

Brave New World was plagued with production issues. I believe the film was reshot not once but twice, maybe even three times. I think the somewhat jumbled manner to Brave New World is on the screen. Esposito was in three scenes and seemed rather unimportant to things. Nelson, despite being meant as the main antagonist, was pretty absent for most of Brave New World. 

The nicest thing that I can say about Brave New World is that "everyone tried". I think all the actors tried to make their individual characters work. Mackie, to be fair, was rather humorless in Brave New World, which perhaps explains Ramirez's efforts to lighten things. Ford was shaky: bad in his opening scene, good when confronting Wilson, shifting between the two when attempting to stop the Japanese from going to war.

As a side note, the idea that Japan and the United States would go to war over the Celestial Island seems a curious one. Even if one rolled with it, it never felt as if there was a serious threat of total destruction despite Brave New World's efforts. 

The hodgepodge nature of Brave New World was such that such elements as Bradley's second incarceration (the first being from The Falcon and the Winter Soldier) and Shira Haas as Ross' Israeli-born security advisor Ruth Bat-Seraph felt as if they were left over from past drafts and versions. Haas, whom I described in my notes as a "midget", was meant to be I figure a powerful figure. We are told that she was a former Black Widow, so that might explain why she was able to take down men who are giants compared to her. It still looks curious to see the 5'2" woman able to bring down big men. It would be like believing that NCIS: Los Angeles' Linda Hunt could take down Reacher's Alan Richson, but again, fine, we'll roll with it.

It is harder to roll with the idea that Bat-Seraph is important to Brave New World, let alone important enough to end up friends with Bradley. 

Captain America: Brave New World stumbled onto film screens when it would have perhaps worked better on Disney+. Is it terrible? No. It is wonderful? Again, no. It just is. Captain America: Brave New World is neither brave nor new. It is something to have playing in the background as you go about your day.

DECISION: C+

Next MCU Film: Thunderbolts*

Jurassic Park III: A Review

JURASSIC PARK III

I suppose that after the success of The Lost World, we were going to get yet another Jurassic Park film. I thought The Lost World was terrible. I was, however, not prepared for how Jurassic Park III would be even worse. Dumb, unexciting and even insulting, Jurassic Park III is almost a desecration of the original film.

Dr. Alan Grant (Sam Neill) makes it clear that he has absolutely no intention of talking about what happened to him on Isla Nublar or what happened in San Diego, which he helpfully reminds audiences that he was not part of. He also says that nothing will get him to Isla Sorna or Site B, which we learned about in the last film.

Famous last words, for Grant reluctantly agrees to merely fly over Isla Sorna in exchange for funding from wealthy couple Paul and Amanda Kirby (William H. Macy and Tea Leoni). Grant thinks that he is going to only point out the various creatures to the Kirbys. In reality, he is essentially kidnapped in order to help them find their son Eric (Trevor Morgan) and Amanda's boyfriend Ben (Mark Herelick), who disappeared while parasailing near the island. 

Amanda's boyfriend? Yes, for Grant and his assistant Billy (Alessandro Nivola) find out that they are actually divorced. Worse, they are not wealthy patrons of the sciences but upper middle class, Paul owning Kirby Paint and Tile Plus hardware store. Now it is on to find and hopefully save Eric once Ben's rotted corpse is found. The pilot and mercenaries that the Kirbys brought face dangers all around. Even after Eric is found, they still find themselves pursued. 

Billy has taken a pair of dinosaur eggs in a misguided effort to use them to gain more funding. Grant knows that the dinosaurs will keep after them to get the eggs back. From there, the survivors must find a way to reach shore. Will they be able to escape Site B? Will Grant's former love, Ellie Sattler (Laura Dern) be able to help them despite being far away in her domestic bliss?

It is curious that Peter Buchman, Jim Taylor and Alexander Payne failed in their Jurassic Park III screenplay the same way that The Lost World failed in its screenplay. By now, we all should know that as soon as a character says that he/she will never go back to XYZ, they are definitely going back to XYZ. Even worse, director Joe Johnson and actor Sam Neill almost seem to openly mock this in how Johnson moved his camera closer to Neill when he overacted that bit of dialogue. It is as if they wanted to draw attention to how Grant was going back to where even Grant knew it beforehand.

As a side note, it is astonishing that Alexander Payne, who brought us the brilliant Election, Sideways, Nebraska and The Holdovers, had a hand in this debacle. 

Jurassic Park III is one of the laziest films that I have seen. It is probably the laziest film in the entire unfortunate franchise. One particularly ghastly moment is when they are trapped in a flooding river with a heavy rainstorm making things worse. As they battle for their lives, they grab onto a found satellite phone. When Grant picks up, he hears a robocall for a time-share offer. I figure those behind the camera thought that this would be a good gag. It just was both idiotic and cut what little tension Jurassic Park III was attempting to build.

Far from being tense and exciting, Jurassic Park III was dumb and laughable. I think Tea Leoni has been singled out for her performance, but as one to ridicule. She did not help herself when she got tangled up in Ben's cord, screaming and going into hysterics that came across as more comic than horrified. I want to say that she did the best that she could with such a badly written character, one who continued to call out Eric's name over a bullhorn despite being told not to by Grant and even Paul. There was little for Leoni to work with, but it does not absolve her from her at times laughable performance.

It is not as if everyone else covered themselves in glory. Neill got a nice paycheck out of this, but he looked totally unenthusiastic about being here. Yes, one can say that it reflected the character. However, in his scenes with Dern or when off the island, he looked as if he figured that it was in his best interest to devour the screen to give him something to do. I think Macy, like Leoni, did the best that he could. He did have that average man quality to Paul, but the scenes of the Kirby domestic drama in the midst of the mayhem did not help. 

To be fair, I did think well of Michael Jeter as Udesky, one of Kirby's mercenaries. It was a break from his usual roles of meek figures, and Jeter was effective as this more rugged figure facing off against these gruesome creatures. 

I genuinely wondered why Nivola's Billy could not have been the new lead, with Grant merely serving as mentor. He was fine, but not great, and for long stretches I genuinely wondered who he was. Morgan was nothing special, neither as clever or amusing as Joseph Mazzello's Tim or as courageous as Ariana Richards' Lex from the first film. How exactly he survived eight whole weeks on the island Lord of the Flies style the film won't say. 

Eight days I could believe. Two months managing to avoid getting eaten by the dinosaurs, scavenging food and water and with no one actually looking for him is a stretch.

As a side note, Jurassic Park III did a poor job of shoehorning Laura Dern.

These are some of the worse dinosaurs that I have seen. Grant at one point called the dinosaurs he encountered at Jurassic Park "genetically engineered theme park monsters", a strange turn from someone who initially had been impressed with the dinosaurs. Granted, he had a horrendous experience with them that might have soured his feelings. However, I found that the dinosaurs here looked like the auto-animatronic figures from a Disney ride. When we are supposed to see dinosaurs, I saw fake imagery.

Jurassic Park III did nothing with what had come before. It did not make the case for itself. I did not even get good dinosaurs or humans. The third time was most definitely not the charm. 

DECISION: F

JURASSIC PARK FILMS

Jurassic Park

The Lost World: Jurassic Park

Jurassic World

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

Jurassic World Dominion

Jurassic World Rebirth

The Lost World: Jurassic Park. A Review

THE LOST WORLD: JURASSIC PARK

The original Jurassic Park became one of the biggest hits of all time. With that, a sequel seemed almost preordained. Thus, The Lost World: Jurassic Park. In a case of "you can't go home again", The Lost World is itself lost in a boring story, poor performances and nothing to justify itself.

Four years after the events on Jurassic Park, scientist Ian Malcolm (Jeff Goldblum) wants nothing to do with anything about the island. Billionaire John Hammond (Richard Attenborough) has other plans, despite having lost control of his company to his nephew Peter Ludlow (Arliss Howard). Hammond wants Malcolm to go to the hereto unknown "Site B", where the Jurassic Park dinosaurs were created and now have free range over. Hammond wants to have Site B or Isla Sonra to be left alone. Peter wants to bring whatever creatures still there to another site in San Diego to compete with other animal parks like the San Diego Zoo and the San Diego Chargers.

Malcolm wants nothing to do with anything with Site B, but he learns that his girlfriend Sarah Harding (Julianne Moore) has eagerly gone to chronicle whatever is on Site B. Determined to rescue Sarah, Malcolm goes to Islan Sonra along with videographer Nick Van Owen (Vince Vaughn) and engineer Eddie Carr (Richard Schiff). Unbeknownst to them, there is a stowaway: Malcolm's daughter Kelly (Vanessa Lee Chester). More unbeknownst to everyone, Ludlow also goes to the island, accompanied by white hunter Roland Tembo (Pete Postlethwaite). Circumstances eventually force them to join together to stay alive when the dinosaurs inevitably go bonkers. Not everyone survives, but despite Malcolm's incessant warnings, Ludlow gets his creature.

Ludlow will not be denied his great discovery to showcase in San Diego. Inevitably things go awry as the dinosaur rampages through San Diego. Will Ian and Sarah be able to save the day?

I think that director Steven Spielberg had, for the longest time, resisted making sequels save for the Indiana Jones series (and I can make the argument that Temple of Doom is a prequel). He famously resisted making an E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial sequel despite pleas from viewers and studios. Jurassic Park, however, was too good to resist. There could have been a variety of things to take a follow-up to Jurassic Park. The ultimate decision from screenwriter David Koepp (freely adapting the Michael Crichton book) opted to make a film that is dull, lifeless and taking a fascinating premise and doing nothing with it.

There is something irritating about characters who say that they won't do XYZ when we know that they will. It would be nice, for once, if the character said either "Yes, I will go back to try and fix the mess you made" or "I'm not eager to go there, but I will". I think it is because we the audience know that the character will go back. Malcolm's motivation of going to rescue the damsel in distress is not interesting because we do not know who she is.   

Even worse is the character of Malcolm's daughter Kelly. This is the first time we got a mention of Kelly. I leave it to you to decide whether Malcolm's daughter being black needs explanation. It did not matter to me, but one is within their right to wonder. 

It does not help that Chester and Kelly are also awful. Kelly is a terrible character: annoying, whiny and quite dim. At one point, Kelly manages to help Sarah and Ian escape by doing a gymnastic routine to fight the rampaging dinosaurs. You would have to be unconscious to not be laughing uproariously at seeing this moment. I think Kelly had mentioned that she had been on the gymnastics team but if she had, I had pretty much forgotten about it.

Chester gave the worst performance in The Lost World. Robotic delivery and a blank expression throughout, Chester never conveyed any emotion apart from boredom. No one else, however, was all that much better. Goldblum looked equally bored in the film, never trying to do anything new. His expression never changed throughout The Lost World. How and why Julianne Moore is in this film one cannot fathom. Vaughn, I think, tried, but he appeared to overcompensate by being frenetic, at odds with the more sedate manner everyone else had. 

In retrospect, Howard may have been worse than Chester. Carrying a very bad British accent, Howard did not look bored like everyone else in the film. He looked confused. I do not think Howard changed his expression or vocal inflection, as if he was too busy concentrating on having a passable British accent to think about acting. Given how awful that British accent was, he should not have bothered even trying.

The Lost World did not make any sense. How exactly did Kelly manage to stowaway without anyone noticing? When the T. Rex starts rampaging into San Diego, which itself is already bad since the press conference takes place at night, it stomps across a customs office. We see the guards running in terror, but everyone at the customs office never notices this massive monster near them. For long periods of time, no one seems to notice what happened to some of the other characters. 

What sold the first Jurassic Park were the still breathtaking special effects. In The Lost World, they looked, frankly, fake. I was reminded of the Walt Disney World theme ride with the effects being on that level. The green screen looked bad and the animatronic figures equally so.  

As I finished The Lost World: Jurassic Park, I thought that no one had any enthusiasm for anything about it. Sluggish, dull and at times illogical, The Lost World should have remained lost.

DECISION: F

JURASSIC PARK FILMS

Jurassic Park

Jurassic Park III

Jurassic World

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

Jurassic World Dominion

Jurassic World Rebirth