Jurassic World Rebirth: A Review

JURASSIC WORLD REBIRTH

Rebirth seems apropos for the seventh film in the Jurassic Park/World series. Jurassic World Rebirth is working to start fresh. It has new characters. It has vaguely unfamiliar surroundings. It is also one of the worst movies of the year. 

Soldier of fortune Zora Bennett (Scarlett Johansson) has been hired by Martin Krebs (Rupert Friend) for a special ops mission. Krebs is an executive with the pharmaceutical company ParkerGenix and they need someone of skill and discretion. Zora is to penetrate the forbidden island of Ile Saint-Hubert, one of the last places to have dinosaurs. 

Also coming, more reluctantly, is scientist Dr. Henry Loomis (Jonathan Bailey). They need his expertise to retrieve blood samples from three living, massive dinosaurs. Mosasaurus is the seagoing creature. Titanosaurus is the land-based creature. Quetzalcoatlus is our avian creature. The blood from Animal, Vegetable and Mineral will be invaluable to find treatments, potentially cures, for human heart disease. Off the coast of Suriname, Krebs and Loomis join Zora's elite team. There is ship Captain Duncan Kincaid (Mahershala Ali). There is security/marksman Bobby Atwater (Ed Skrein). There are at least two other crewmen, but they aren't important.

At the same time that the special ops team is sailing towards Ile Saint-Hubert, the Delgado family is sailing in essentially forbidden waters. Patriarch Reuben (Manuel Garcia-Rulfo) is there with his daughters Teresa (Luna Blaise) and Isabella or Bella (Audriana Miranda). Also joining them is Teresa's boyfriend Xavier (David Iacono), whom Reuben does not like for his arrogance and laziness. They are attacked by the Mosasaurus and are barely clinging on to their yacht. Over Krebs' objections, the crew responds to the Mariposa's SOS. They are together briefly, for the Mosasaurus hunt causes chaos, death and Krebs letting Teresa fall overboard rather than send a second SOS.

Now, the two groups are separated on the mysterious island. The crew continues the hunt for the other two creatures. The Delgados keep pushing towards a village they were told about for a rescue. Eventually, after flipping back and forth between the crew and the Delgados, they reunite, only to face off against the greatest threat imaginable. Ile Saint-Hubert, seventeen years ago, was the secret lab of mad Jurassic Park scientists. Here, they created freakish dinosaurs in an effort to appeal to a new generation of customers. Who will live and who will die in their efforts to escape the island?

Jurassic Park Rebirth is a punishing two hours and four minutes not counting credits. I saw it at an early secret screening, but only now I am reviewing it. My cousins do not like it when I take notes in a theater. Having seen it again after so many months, I marvel at so much about Rebirth. Namely, I wonder how so many people could have participated and seen it and thought that it was any good.

I do not know if people have commented on how disjointed the whole thing is. After close to half an hour, we then get what I dubbed "the Latinos" (while they were the Delgados, I do not remember if the surname was ever used). Seven minutes of set-up (loving but disapproving father, pleasant but slightly rebellious older daughter, obnoxious boyfriend, adorable younger daughter) and the Mosasaurus attack and then we are back to the expedition.

At this point, Rebirth jumps from one group to another with sometimes unhinged abandon. Sometimes we would spend maybe a minute with one group before going back to the other. I started keeping track of the time between "Crew" and "Latinos". I was shocked that sometimes Rebirth would go from Latinos to Crew within a minute, spend four minutes with Crew, then go back to Latinos. The longest that I think Rebirth spent with Latinos was eleven minutes. This long section was for an action sequence that had me all but shout, "EAT BELLA!", before we went back to Crew. After Crew and Latinos get separated, it takes almost an hour for them to reunite.

Rebirth could have focused on the Latinos. Rebirth could have focused on Crew. Rebirth could not focus on both. We got either a wild ping-pong manner to things, or such long stretches from one story that when we jump back to the other, we had pretty much forgotten about them. 

I do not think that Rebirth cared about logic. Why were the Delgados in these dangerous waters? There is, to be fair, an effort to say why (Reuben said that millions of ships sail the waters). How exactly do dinosaur blood help research into heart disease? How are machines and vehicles operational seventeen years after Ile Saint-Hubert was abandoned in chaos and terror? The Quetzalcoatlus nests in what Zoe suggest is an ancient temple. Again, Dr. Loomis is not an archaeologist, so he wouldn't know anything about the who, what, when, why, where and how of this. 

I still marvel that a car which the villain uses to try to escape on turned on so easily with no issues. At the convenience store that still managed to turn its lights on seventeen years after being abandoned, all I could think was how all those chips and sodas probably would be well past their expiration dates. 

Rebirth gave the hopefully well-paid actors little to work with. Scarlett Johannson and Mahershala Ali attempted to use David Koepp's screenplay when Rebirth gave them a heart-to-heart about companions dead and gone. Try as both the film and the actors tried I could not care one bit. Their performances did not help sell the drama. 

That applies to Jonathan Bailey. When he comes upon the Titanosaurus couple in the act of lovemaking, he seems overawed by the sight. At one point, he looks on the verge of tears. I too was on the verge of tears. Tears of laughter. I guess he did as well as he could. He just couldn't convince me to care.

Same goes for the Delgados. Xavier is so unlikable that no one would believe that Teresa found him boyfriend material, at least without any sex involved. After Xavier risks his life to save her, Reuben compliments him. "You jumped in after her. Respect for that", Reuben tells Xavier. The latter pretty much chuckles and replies, "Whatever, guapo". Do not ask the audience to either care or take things seriously if your characters refuse to do either or both. 

If Koepp or director Gareth Roberts cared about Rebirth, they would have cut so much out. The film begins with a three-minute segment that takes place "Seventeen years ago" on Ile Saint-Hubert. Here, the chaos and slaughter the mutant dinosaurs unleashed was caused by, of all things, a Snickers wrapper. I not only did not care that Williams (Adam Loxley) not only got killed, but I also thought he deserved it. The entire attack on the Mariposa could have been cut. It would have worked better if the crew received the SOS call without us knowing who they were. There was also no reason to separate the groups.

I think that was done to provide what I figure Rebirth thought was a shocking twist from a villainous character. However, you would have to be a blithering idiot if you did not know who the evil villain would be. 

Rebirth has no acting in it. Johannson and Ali, as stated earlier, made something of an effort. However, one could tell that they were trying too hard. For a brief moment, people were trying to convince themselves that Jonathan Bailey was not only a movie star, but the first openly gay movie star. That title still remains open. No one went to Jurassic Park Rebirth because the guy from Wicked was in it. Rupert Friend devoured the scenery the way that the dinosaurs devoured the people. To be fair, I think Manuel Garcia-Rulfo did best as Reuben. He appeared the most realistic character and the one who mostly had sense. David Iacono was just there to be shown either shirtless or with an open shirt. He was terrible no matter what he tried.

All the performances pale to the absolutely ghastly visual effects. I do not know how in the thirty-two years since the first Jurassic Park, the franchise's visual effects look worse. You can virtually see the actors in front of a blue screen. The dinosaurs would not pass muster in a theme park ride. 

Jurassic Park Rebirth is terrible. I think, however, that both Gareth Roberts and David Koepp let their own feelings about both the film and the overall franchise slip through. Early in the film, we get deliberately overly dramatic music after Krebs tells Zoe, "He doesn't know it yet, but we're bringing a civilian". That moment is so cartoonishly over-the-top that you know Roberts and Koepp were playing it as parody. Yes, it's established that the music was part of an animated video at Loomis' exhibit, but it still looks silly. 

"It's dinosaurs. They may be through with us, but we're not through with them", Krebs says early in the film. That seems very apropos to how the filmmakers refuse to let them go extinct. Later, Jonathan Bailey's Dr. Loomis says, "Nobody cares about the animals anymore".

Famous last words.  

DECISION: F

JURASSIC PARK FILMS

Jurassic Park

The Lost World: Jurassic Park

Jurassic Part III

Jurassic World

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

Jurassic World Dominion

Jurassic Park III: A Review

JURASSIC PARK III

I suppose that after the success of The Lost World, we were going to get yet another Jurassic Park film. I thought The Lost World was terrible. I was, however, not prepared for how Jurassic Park III would be even worse. Dumb, unexciting and even insulting, Jurassic Park III is almost a desecration of the original film.

Dr. Alan Grant (Sam Neill) makes it clear that he has absolutely no intention of talking about what happened to him on Isla Nublar or what happened in San Diego, which he helpfully reminds audiences that he was not part of. He also says that nothing will get him to Isla Sorna or Site B, which we learned about in the last film.

Famous last words, for Grant reluctantly agrees to merely fly over Isla Sorna in exchange for funding from wealthy couple Paul and Amanda Kirby (William H. Macy and Tea Leoni). Grant thinks that he is going to only point out the various creatures to the Kirbys. In reality, he is essentially kidnapped in order to help them find their son Eric (Trevor Morgan) and Amanda's boyfriend Ben (Mark Herelick), who disappeared while parasailing near the island. 

Amanda's boyfriend? Yes, for Grant and his assistant Billy (Alessandro Nivola) find out that they are actually divorced. Worse, they are not wealthy patrons of the sciences but upper middle class, Paul owning Kirby Paint and Tile Plus hardware store. Now it is on to find and hopefully save Eric once Ben's rotted corpse is found. The pilot and mercenaries that the Kirbys brought face dangers all around. Even after Eric is found, they still find themselves pursued. 

Billy has taken a pair of dinosaur eggs in a misguided effort to use them to gain more funding. Grant knows that the dinosaurs will keep after them to get the eggs back. From there, the survivors must find a way to reach shore. Will they be able to escape Site B? Will Grant's former love, Ellie Sattler (Laura Dern) be able to help them despite being far away in her domestic bliss?

It is curious that Peter Buchman, Jim Taylor and Alexander Payne failed in their Jurassic Park III screenplay the same way that The Lost World failed in its screenplay. By now, we all should know that as soon as a character says that he/she will never go back to XYZ, they are definitely going back to XYZ. Even worse, director Joe Johnson and actor Sam Neill almost seem to openly mock this in how Johnson moved his camera closer to Neill when he overacted that bit of dialogue. It is as if they wanted to draw attention to how Grant was going back to where even Grant knew it beforehand.

As a side note, it is astonishing that Alexander Payne, who brought us the brilliant Election, Sideways, Nebraska and The Holdovers, had a hand in this debacle. 

Jurassic Park III is one of the laziest films that I have seen. It is probably the laziest film in the entire unfortunate franchise. One particularly ghastly moment is when they are trapped in a flooding river with a heavy rainstorm making things worse. As they battle for their lives, they grab onto a found satellite phone. When Grant picks up, he hears a robocall for a time-share offer. I figure those behind the camera thought that this would be a good gag. It just was both idiotic and cut what little tension Jurassic Park III was attempting to build.

Far from being tense and exciting, Jurassic Park III was dumb and laughable. I think Tea Leoni has been singled out for her performance, but as one to ridicule. She did not help herself when she got tangled up in Ben's cord, screaming and going into hysterics that came across as more comic than horrified. I want to say that she did the best that she could with such a badly written character, one who continued to call out Eric's name over a bullhorn despite being told not to by Grant and even Paul. There was little for Leoni to work with, but it does not absolve her from her at times laughable performance.

It is not as if everyone else covered themselves in glory. Neill got a nice paycheck out of this, but he looked totally unenthusiastic about being here. Yes, one can say that it reflected the character. However, in his scenes with Dern or when off the island, he looked as if he figured that it was in his best interest to devour the screen to give him something to do. I think Macy, like Leoni, did the best that he could. He did have that average man quality to Paul, but the scenes of the Kirby domestic drama in the midst of the mayhem did not help. 

To be fair, I did think well of Michael Jeter as Udesky, one of Kirby's mercenaries. It was a break from his usual roles of meek figures, and Jeter was effective as this more rugged figure facing off against these gruesome creatures. 

I genuinely wondered why Nivola's Billy could not have been the new lead, with Grant merely serving as mentor. He was fine, but not great, and for long stretches I genuinely wondered who he was. Morgan was nothing special, neither as clever or amusing as Joseph Mazzello's Tim or as courageous as Ariana Richards' Lex from the first film. How exactly he survived eight whole weeks on the island Lord of the Flies style the film won't say. 

Eight days I could believe. Two months managing to avoid getting eaten by the dinosaurs, scavenging food and water and with no one actually looking for him is a stretch.

As a side note, Jurassic Park III did a poor job of shoehorning Laura Dern.

These are some of the worse dinosaurs that I have seen. Grant at one point called the dinosaurs he encountered at Jurassic Park "genetically engineered theme park monsters", a strange turn from someone who initially had been impressed with the dinosaurs. Granted, he had a horrendous experience with them that might have soured his feelings. However, I found that the dinosaurs here looked like the auto-animatronic figures from a Disney ride. When we are supposed to see dinosaurs, I saw fake imagery.

Jurassic Park III did nothing with what had come before. It did not make the case for itself. I did not even get good dinosaurs or humans. The third time was most definitely not the charm. 

DECISION: F

JURASSIC PARK FILMS

Jurassic Park

The Lost World: Jurassic Park

Jurassic World

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

Jurassic World Dominion

Jurassic World Rebirth

The Lost World: Jurassic Park. A Review

THE LOST WORLD: JURASSIC PARK

The original Jurassic Park became one of the biggest hits of all time. With that, a sequel seemed almost preordained. Thus, The Lost World: Jurassic Park. In a case of "you can't go home again", The Lost World is itself lost in a boring story, poor performances and nothing to justify itself.

Four years after the events on Jurassic Park, scientist Ian Malcolm (Jeff Goldblum) wants nothing to do with anything about the island. Billionaire John Hammond (Richard Attenborough) has other plans, despite having lost control of his company to his nephew Peter Ludlow (Arliss Howard). Hammond wants Malcolm to go to the hereto unknown "Site B", where the Jurassic Park dinosaurs were created and now have free range over. Hammond wants to have Site B or Isla Sonra to be left alone. Peter wants to bring whatever creatures still there to another site in San Diego to compete with other animal parks like the San Diego Zoo and the San Diego Chargers.

Malcolm wants nothing to do with anything with Site B, but he learns that his girlfriend Sarah Harding (Julianne Moore) has eagerly gone to chronicle whatever is on Site B. Determined to rescue Sarah, Malcolm goes to Isla Sonra along with videographer Nick Van Owen (Vince Vaughn) and engineer Eddie Carr (Richard Schiff). Unbeknownst to them, there is a stowaway: Malcolm's daughter Kelly (Vanessa Lee Chester). More unbeknownst to everyone, Ludlow also goes to the island, accompanied by white hunter Roland Tembo (Pete Postlethwaite). Circumstances eventually force them to join together to stay alive when the dinosaurs inevitably go bonkers. Not everyone survives, but despite Malcolm's incessant warnings, Ludlow gets his creature.

Ludlow will not be denied his great discovery to showcase in San Diego. Inevitably things go awry as the dinosaur rampages through San Diego. Will Ian and Sarah be able to save the day?

I think that director Steven Spielberg had, for the longest time, resisted making sequels save for the Indiana Jones series (and I can make the argument that Temple of Doom is a prequel). He famously resisted making an E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial sequel despite pleas from viewers and studios. Jurassic Park, however, was too good to resist. There could have been a variety of things to take a follow-up to Jurassic Park. The ultimate decision from screenwriter David Koepp (freely adapting the Michael Crichton book) opted to make a film that is dull, lifeless and taking a fascinating premise and doing nothing with it.

There is something irritating about characters who say that they won't do XYZ when we know that they will. It would be nice, for once, if the character said either "Yes, I will go back to try and fix the mess you made" or "I'm not eager to go there, but I will". I think it is because we the audience know that the character will go back. Malcolm's motivation of going to rescue the damsel in distress is not interesting because we do not know who she is.   

Even worse is the character of Malcolm's daughter Kelly. This is the first time we got a mention of Kelly. I leave it to you to decide whether Malcolm's daughter being black needs explanation. It did not matter to me, but one is within their right to wonder. 

It does not help that Chester and Kelly are also awful. Kelly is a terrible character: annoying, whiny and quite dim. At one point, Kelly manages to help Sarah and Ian escape by doing a gymnastic routine to fight the rampaging dinosaurs. You would have to be unconscious to not be laughing uproariously at seeing this moment. I think Kelly had mentioned that she had been on the gymnastics team but if she had, I had pretty much forgotten about it.

Chester gave the worst performance in The Lost World. Robotic delivery and a blank expression throughout, Chester never conveyed any emotion apart from boredom. No one else, however, was all that much better. Goldblum looked equally bored in the film, never trying to do anything new. His expression never changed throughout The Lost World. How and why Julianne Moore is in this film one cannot fathom. Vaughn, I think, tried, but he appeared to overcompensate by being frenetic, at odds with the more sedate manner everyone else had. 

In retrospect, Howard may have been worse than Chester. Carrying a very bad British accent, Howard did not look bored like everyone else in the film. He looked confused. I do not think Howard changed his expression or vocal inflection, as if he was too busy concentrating on having a passable British accent to think about acting. Given how awful that British accent was, he should not have bothered even trying.

The Lost World did not make any sense. How exactly did Kelly manage to stowaway without anyone noticing? When the T. Rex starts rampaging into San Diego, which itself is already bad since the press conference takes place at night, it stomps across a customs office. We see the guards running in terror, but everyone at the customs office never notices this massive monster near them. For long periods of time, no one seems to notice what happened to some of the other characters. 

What sold the first Jurassic Park were the still breathtaking special effects. In The Lost World, they looked, frankly, fake. I was reminded of the Walt Disney World theme ride with the effects being on that level. The green screen looked bad and the animatronic figures equally so.  

As I finished The Lost World: Jurassic Park, I thought that no one had any enthusiasm for anything about it. Sluggish, dull and at times illogical, The Lost World should have remained lost.

DECISION: F

JURASSIC PARK FILMS

Jurassic Park

Jurassic Park III

Jurassic World

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

Jurassic World Dominion

Jurassic World Rebirth

Jurassic Park: A Review (Review #1921)

 JURASSIC PARK

When Jurassic Park was released, it was seen as a fun, thrilling, exciting film with groundbreaking special effects. Whether anyone imagined it would be the start of a major franchise that would be the first of five sequels as of this writing (with one set for release later in 2025) I cannot say. The first Jurassic Park film, removed from what would come after, holds up extremely well, does not wear out its welcome and gives people what they wanted.

Billionaire John Hammond (Richard Attenborough) has created what he delightfully calls an animal sanctuary. However, after one of the creatures kills a worker, lawyer Donald Gennaro (Martin Ferrero) will not sign off on Hammond's new venture on behalf of the investors. The only way to get Gennaro and the investors off Hammond's back is if independent scientists vouch for Hammond's park. With that, Hammond brings paleontologist Alan Grant (Sam Neill) and paleobotanist Ellie Sattler (Laura Dern) to his island. Gennaro for his part brings mathematician Ian Malcolm (Jeff Goldblum) for that verification.

Why these particular figures? Hammond's new island, which he envisions as a nature/amusement park, has brought back the dinosaurs to life. Intoning with a sense of childish glee, he tells Sattler and Grant, "Welcome to Jurassic Park". Hammond, expecting a positive to enthusiastic response from the three scientists, instead encounters firm opposition to the park's existence from all of them, with Malcolm particularly vocal in his objections. Insisting that they will change their minds, all save Hammond go on a motorized tour, with Hammond's grandchildren Lex (Ariana Richards) and Tim (Joseph Mazzello) joining them. 

Tim in particular is an Alan Grant fan, which cuts no ice with him since Grant dislikes children. The tour is a bust, with the dinosaurs not appearing. However, there is chaos growing internally and externally at the park. A tropical storm is brewing, while park technician Dennis Nedry (Wayne Knight) has shut down the systems. Ostensibly, this is for maintenance, but in reality, he is stealing dinosaur embryos to smuggle to Hammond's business rivals. The two things collide when the dinosaurs become loose in the park and Nedry's elaborate computer security software prevents the others from regaining control. 

Soon, total chaos and dinosaurs break out. People start dying and others are in danger. Who will survive and who will not as the dinosaurs start taking over Jurassic Park?

One of the keys to Jurassic Park's success is in anticipation. Director Steven Spielberg builds up the suspense right at the opening, when we see rustling in the trees. We should know that we are not going to see dinosaurs right from the get-go, but the tension builds while we keep getting hints about what they can do. When, later in the film, we see a cow being dropped into a Tyrannosaurus Rex's holding cage, we do not see the dinosaur, but we see the aftereffects of what it did to the cow. The tension slowly builds here too, when big game hunter and Jurassic Park game warden Robert Muldoon (Bob Peck) coldly informs the group that the T. Rex is both smarter and more dangerous than given credit for.

This element in David Koepp and Michael Crichton's screenplay (adapting Crichton's novel) gives audiences hints of what is to come, keeping our interest going. Even after we initially see dinosaurs for the first time at about twenty minutes into Jurassic Park, we know that there will be more. Once we get the first sight of the Tyrannosaurus in all his glorious rage close to an hour into the film, Jurassic Park never fully stops in what audiences expect: visual spectacle and thrills. 

The anticipation continues when it comes to the characters. We know early on that Grant has a dislike to open hatred of children. Therefore, when we see Lex and Tim, we know that there will be conflict. This is added on by knowing that Tim is a big fan, someone who has read Grant's books and is well-versed in Grant's thinking. Tim would be what we would now call a fanboy, so knowing that Grant dislikes children does add two elements to the film. 

The first is a bit of comedy where we see Grant struggle between cool politeness and open contempt. The second is the evolution of his character into a protector of children. Certainly Grant, even for someone who pretty much hates children, is not going to see kids killed. It is an interesting twist that it is Grant, not Malcolm, who risks his life to distract the T. Rex in order to save Lex and Tim. As the film continues, however, Grant becomes fond of them, even allowing himself a moment of humor when he pretends to be electrocuted. It is a credit to Sam Neill that he made Alan Grant both a humorous figure and a man of courage.

This part of Jurassic Park perhaps has not been given much credit: even with the spectacle and visual power of the visual effects, the film does not skimp on the human characters. You have the gleefully wicked Nedry, wonderfully played by Wayne Knight with malevolent joy. Richard Attenborough shows his mix of arrogance, ego and ultimately humility as Hammond, who realizes too late that he cannot control nature. Dern is a showcase for the strong female character, one who can roll her eyes at Hammond's sexism when lives are in danger. However, we also see that she is not a Mary Sue: she too has fears and at one point breaks down in tears. That does not make her weak. It makes her human. In his mix of flirtation, moral indignation and fear, Goldblum does an exceptional job.

The big draw in Jurassic Park are the visual effects, a blend of computer-generated imagery and practical mechanical figures. Despite the passage of thirty years at the time of this writing, the effects in Jurassic Park look thoroughly realistic and appropriately terrifying. To be fair, the birthing of a new dinosaur may not be as completely impressive as it was in 1993, but that is a minor point.

Jurassic Park is also blessed with John Williams score. Appropriately stirring, thrilling and quiet when needed, Williams' music elevates the scenes when it is needed. Note that when the Tyrannosaurus Rex first attacks, there is no music. The lack of music here equally elevates the scene, allowing the tension to build to a fever pitch.

One of the strongest elements in Jurassic Park is that it takes the premise seriously. The T. Rex attack, for example, is played realistically: the kids panicked and terrified, the adults either stunned or cowardly. Extremely well-acted by Richards and Mazzello, this section is simultaneously thrilling and frightening. Richards and Mazzello carry the film well when they have to face the terrors alone.

Jurassic Park will continue to thrill viewers with its mix of brilliant special effects, moments of horror and humor and John Williams' score. A good popcorn film that works on every level, Jurassic Park will never be short of visitors, even on Coupon Day.

DECISION: A-

JURASSIC PARK FILMS

The Lost World: Jurassic Park

Jurassic Park III

Jurassic World

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

Jurassic World Dominion

Jurassic World Rebirth

Jurassic World Dominion: A Review

JURASSIC WORLD DOMINION

I see that I am fighting something of an uphill battle when it comes to Jurassic World Dominion, the film billed as the conclusion of the Jurassic Park/World film franchise. Audiences, it appears, seem to love this hybrid of nostalgia and action. I did not hate it, but I am also puzzled as to why audiences love it.

Jurassic World Dominion essentially is two films that run parallel to each other, briefly cross paths but never really connect, then diverge to their own stories. Plot One involves Owen Grady (Chris Pratt) and Claire Dearing (Bryce Dallas Howard). They have served as de facto parents to Maisie Lockwood (Isabella Sermon), the clone we last saw in Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom. The sullen, surly child hates being hidden away from the world, but hidden away she must be. She, as a clone, is the target of nefarious figures. 

Unsurprisingly, she is abducted, along with the child of Owen's favorite dinosaur, Blue. It's up to Owen and Claire to rescue Maisie. That involves going to Maltese dinosaur black markets and getting help from Kayla Watts (DeWanda Wise), a pilot who can spirit them into the heavily guarded dino sanctuary run by megacorporation Biosyn, headed by the shadowy Lewis Dodgson (Campbell Scott). 

Plot Two involves giant locust plaguing the American Midwest and South. Dr. Ellie Sattler (Laura Dern) has been investigating the giant locust, which curiously affect only non-Biosyn seed. Fortunately for her, Dr. Ian Malcolm (Jeff Golblum) happens to be lecturing the Biosyn staff at Dodgson's invitation, so he can provide a way for her to get locust samples to prove Biosyn is up to no good. To provide credibility, she gets her fellow Jurassic Park survivor Dr. Alan Grant (Sam Neill) to join her.

It's here that Grant and Sattler discover Maisie, that Biosyn falls into total chaos, and then after the two groups complete their goals, go their separate ways.

I kept an informal track of when the cast of the Jurassic Park films and the cast of the Jurassic World films finally met. For a film that lasts approximately two and a half hours, the two groups finally worked together at about the 1 hour and 45 minute mark. Granted, I could be wrong in my calculations. However, it does show to me at least that essentially neither group was needed for the other group's plot. 

You could have had a whole film around the Owen/Claire story, with them taking over from Sattler, Malcolm and Grant with the Biosyn break-in. You could have had a whole film around the Sattler, Malcolm and Grant story, with them taking over from Owen and Claire with the Biosyn break-in. Dominion is, to my mind, two films crammed into one, where one story essentially interrupted the other.

Early on in Dominion, I thought that there were two plots going on and that one of them could work without the other. I am astonished at how odd everything around Dominion is, particularly with the superfluous Sattler, Malcolm and Grant.

For reasons I cannot fathom, Sattler and Grant were amazed at the creatures Biosyn had in its sanctuary. I thought to myself, "They've encountered dinosaurs before. Moreover, dinosaurs have apparently been around for close to thirty years. Why then are thy still amazed?". I would have thought the novelty had worn off.

However, like many audience members, the novelty has not worn off. Nostalgia can get over many things such as logic or plot. For example, when a group of them were trapped in a cave and Malcolm could get them out by punching in the right code, I saw Maisie pick up a skull to throw at the dinosaurs. I wondered, "Did people already die here and Biosyn did not appear to notice or care?"

As Dodgson was attempting to flee his own fallen kingdom, he takes with him an old, beat-up shaving creme container. Am I to assume that this was the container that held the stolen samples from the first Jurassic Park film? If so, how was it found, given it was buried in the mud during a hurricane when the park first fell apart? I figure whatever was in that container had long ago become useless, so what was the point of it being there?

Moreover, while there were a lot of dinosaurs running around the world, why did only the CIA notice giant locust were swallowing up whole fields? 

I genuinely felt for Sam Neill, up to a point. I figure he made a great deal of money to come back, but out of the already unnecessary Jurassic Park characters, his Alan Grant particularly suffered. Many times, he looked genuinely lost to where I thought Grant had dementia. When he finally sees Dr. Wu (B.D. Wong), Grant cocks his head slightly and says, "I Remember You", but I was not sure if he meant that as an accusation or as surprise he recognized anyone. He was forever kept out of things, such as Malcolm and Sattler planning to break into the underground laboratory. 

Instead, he was shunted off for some odd, alleged comedy bit involving a Biosyn barista, and even that got a bit lost in the shuffle. Why he needed to be both included and excludes is a mystery.

So much of Dominion seems put together haphazardly, as if screenwriters Emily Carmichael and Colin Trevorrow (who also directed) felt logic was a bother to deal with. Perhaps this is a spoiler, but apparently Maisie is not a real clone, or at least a clone that was birthed versus some lab experiment.

I don't know, a lot of Dominion did not make sense to me. I figure it can be explained by wiser people, but I also think that the main issue of "two films for the price of one" still creates a difficult situation.

I do not think there was any actual acting, unless it was either over or under. Jeff Goldblum has perfected his slightly eccentric persona, but I was surprised at how lackadaisical he was when trying to break people free. No sense of urgency or even realization of the potential for death seemed to disturb him. Pratt, to his credit, handled the action well, but I have not shifted my view that he is more an action star than actor.

Sermon came across as highly unlikeable to where I would not have objected if she had been eaten by a dinosaur. Scott seemed more funny than dangerous as the crazed evil billionaire. Wise was the only one to come out well out of this as the competent pilot. 

I did not hate Jurassic World Dominion. I just did not have as good a time as I did in Fallen Kingdom, though to be fair my enjoyment of the latter was more for the unintended humor than anything else.

DECISION: D+

JURASSIC PARK FILMS

Jurassic Park

The Lost World: Jurassic Park

Jurassic Park III

Jurassic World

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

Jurassic World Rebirth

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom. A Review (Review #1100)

JURASSIC WORLD: FALLEN KINGDOM

Many have bashed Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom, but I will not.  I freely and openly admit that I had a great time watching this film.  Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom is the feel-good comedy of the year, one of the most hilarious films I've seen in a long time.

After the events in Jurassic World, the island where the dinosaurs roamed has been abandoned.  A previously-dormant volcano has reawakened, threatening the reextinction of these terrible lizards.  The world is fiercely debating whether or not to let them die.  Those in the 'let them die' side include Dr. Ian Malcolm (Jeff Goldblum). Those on the opposite side include Claire Dearing (Bryce Dallas Howard), who has switched her view since she was the cold Jurassic World lackey.

Claire finds an unlikely ally in Eli Mills (Rafe Spall), who works for Benjamin Lockwood (James Cromwell), the hereto secret/silent partner to the late John Hammond.  Eli tells Claire that he and Lockwood are going to spirit the dinos away to another island, a true secret sanctuary where they can live in peace.

However, they really want to rescue 'Blue', the Velociraptor trained by her former lover, Owen Grady (Chris Pratt). She eventually ropes him in to return to Isla Nublar to attempt a rescue, accompanied by paleovetenarian Zia (Daniella Rivera) and tech guru Franklin Webb (Justice Smith).  On the island, they meet 'white hunter' Ken Wheatley (Ted Levine), who is meant to help.

Obviously, he doesn't, because the whole thing is a rouse. In reality, Mills plans two nefarious schemes.  The first is to auction off the dinos with the help of mad auctioneer Eversoll (Toby Jones) to various evil figures.  The second is to use 'Blue' to create a new and more fierce dinosaur named 'The Indoraptor'.  This will be done with the help of 'mad scientist' Dr. Wu (B.D. Wong).

What could possibly go wrong?

It's up to Claire, Owen, and the rest of our Scooby Gang, as well with Lockwood's 'granddaughter' Maisie (Isabella Sermon) to stop this madness. 

I haven't laughed so hard at a movie in a long time, not even at comedies, so Fallen Kingdom was a great deal of fun for me in that it almost plays as a spoof of these action films and sequels to unintended franchises.  I kept writing 'hilarious' in my notes, because Fallen Kingdom seems dead-set on making a spectacle of itself.

The thing is, the moments that made me burst out laughing repeatedly were meant to be serious or moving or frightening.  Instead, under the direction of J.A. Bayona from Colin Trevorrow and Derek Connolly's script, these moments were just so wildly tone-deaf in how they ended up looking.

My fellow reviewer Sarah pointed out one of the (most unintended) funniest scenes, which also had me burst out laughing despite my first effort to keep my laughs from being audible. I even did a little wave and said, "Bye-bye!" at this moment, but there is a cacophony of hilarity coursing through Fallen Kingdom.

Right from the beginning when there's a raid on the island to take a bone involving a 'dino-fish', Fallen Kingdom just keeps building up the hilarity factor. 

There's when Claire sadly says, "They're going to die and no one cares". 
There's where Zia looks at a giant brontosaurus and says, with tears welling up in her eyes, "I never thought I'd see one in real life". 
There's when during Claire and Franklin's desperate escape from both lava and a dinosaur, Claire shouts "CHAIR!" to scaredy-cat Franklin. 
There's Owen rolling away from the fast-flowing lava.
There's the entire 'escape from exploding island'.

But WAIT! There's MORE!

Toby Jones is a laugh-riot from his first appearance; apparently Bayona directed him to have a permanent sneer that screamed "EVIL".  From the moment his sleazy auctioneer showed up to his death at the hands of the Indoraptor, I simply could not stop laughing at how hilarious he was.

Same goes for Levine, who played his 'white hunter' bit as if he meant it to be a parody.  It makes his end, as his cap gets blown off by a dinosaur's snort & him screaming like Maisie all the more hilarious.

Even Spall, an actor I genuinely like and who was about the only good thing in Founding Fathers Assemble (aka History's miniseries Sons of Liberty) couldn't help hamming it up as the EVIL aide.

Goldblum was on auto-pilot, but at least was spared the embarrassment of having to share scenes with a weak Howard. I think Pratt is a great action star, but am not convinced he's an actor yet.  I think he did his best, but when he rolls away from the lava or outruns dinosaurs and not just survives a 90+-foot fall off a cliff but looks more beautiful than when he leaped...it's hard not to laugh.

Pineda and Smith were essentially nonentities in this, though to be fair Smith was the worst of the two.  I figure his thin character was meant to be either actual comic relief or the 'everyman' caught in this, but his constant frights came across as annoying.  I would have preferred he be the one eaten than Mills.

The story is total nonsense. The idea that Lockwood's estate could hold this 'mad auction' is already daft, but the idea that these dinosaurs could sell for a mere $4 million to $37 million for this 'Indoraptor' is just idiotic.

For comparison, Salvator Mundi, reputed to be a 'lost' DaVinci painting, sold for $450 million.  Am I seriously expected to believe that a painting whose origin is still in dispute would sell for more than a living dinosaur?

Michael Giacchino's score does what no score should do: announce itself and the moods.  It thunders 'danger' when they arrive on the island or 'menace' when we conveniently overhear Mills and Wu discuss their plans for Maisie's ears.  While many have commented positively on the extended dino-chase in the Lockwood mansion, I just wondered why Maisie thought literally hiding under the covers would save her from a dinosaur that could track her down (or how such a large creature could fit in there).

Despite how awful to silly Fallen Kingdom is, and it is, I still found myself enjoying it for its sheer awfulness, one of those 'so bad it's good' films.  It tries so hard to be exciting, even moving, when it ends up being a spoof in all but name. I loved that it made me laugh without meaning to.  That being the case, how I can bash Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom when it is so wacky and wonderful in its sheer inanity?

I digress to point out that Chris Pratt was 14 years old when Jurassic Park was released, and I'm sure neither of us thought he would be part of this expansive cinematic universe.  I look forward to seeing this film played repeatedly on FX or TNT, hopefully finding more things to laugh at.

DECISION: C-

JURASSIC PARK FILMS

Jurassic Park

The Lost World: Jurassic Park

Jurassic Park III

Jurassic World

Jurassic World Dominion

Jurassic World Rebirth

Jurassic World: A Review

JURASSIC WORLD

It's Not Like We Haven't Seen Dinosaurs Before...

I find myself in the oddest position when talking about Jurassic World.  First, I never saw either The Lost World: Jurassic Park or Jurassic Park III.  Therefore, I know nothing of the 'franchise' beyond the original Jurassic Park (noting that I doubt a series of Jurassic Park films were planned save for the fact that the first was a monster hit...no pun intended).  Second, I haven't seen the original Jurassic Park since its release twenty-two years ago (making me feel very, very old).  If there were references or plot details in those other films that Jurassic World touched on, then they pretty much flew over my head with a couple of exceptions.

I figure that I should get this out of the way before going on.  I'm going to be the spoilsport and say that Jurassic World is, while not a bad film, by no means as great a film as its been cracked up to be.  It IS entertaining in a dumb way.  It IS what it set out to be: a monster movie.  That being said, I cannot bend to current fanboy craze and say how wonderful everything was, how cool or awesome it was to have a.) dinosaurs or b.) Chris Pratt, movie star du jour, on screen.  It might have to do with the fact that I didn't see the other Jurassic Park films and/or that I am a stickler for things like plot and logic (which also goes to explain why I now pretty much loath Doctor Who, but that's for another time).  Jurassic World is a film that I found funny when it shouldn't have been, odd when it shouldn't have been, and which never answers the one question I think should be answered...

WHY DID THEY OPEN THAT DAMN PARK IN THE FIRST PLACE?

Open it they did, despite the horrifying fiasco of the first attempt (and I figure the more horrifying fiascos of the other two).  Now billed as Jurassic World, this combination EPCOT/Animal Kingdom/Sea World/Universal Studios has thousands of people flocking to see the dinosaurs eat and live.  There's even a petting zoo where little children can ride triceratops and hug baby brontosauruses. 

A side note: having been to regular petting zoos myself, where I've seen geese gone wild and go after people, has the petting zoo ever had a triceratops bite the little tyke?  Are guests made to sign a waiver releasing the park from any liability should the dinosaurs, well, kill them?  Silly me for applying logic to this.

Anyway, into this Jurassic World enter two children: sulky teen Zach (Nick Robinson) and perky tween Gray (Ty Simpkins).  They are sent by their mother Karen (Judy Greer) to be watched over by their aunt Claire (Bryce Dallas Howard), who is the executive in charge of the park.  It will serve as a distraction while Karen and her husband get divorced.  As expected Claire is simply too busy/uptight/uncaring to bother with these little people (she for example, has no idea how old they are) and pawns them off to her assistant while she develops the newest attraction.  It is Indominus rex, a new genetically engineered dinosaur that is sure to give guests that new thrill they so want (we being so fickle as to no longer being impressed by living dinosaurs...well, perhaps they're not too far off the mark there, but I digress).

In the park also is White Hunter...I mean, raptor trainer Owen Grady (Chris Pratt).  He is dead-set against his 'animals' being used as war machines by the evil military guy (Vincent D'Onofrio).  Claire, who had ONE date with Owen many Eggs ago (Doctor Who reference there), goes to Owen to have him inspect the holding facility for the Indominus rex...because apparently there are no structural engineers at the park or that can be hired.  Whatevs....I'm just going along for the thrill ride.

Little Gray cries because his parents are divorcing, but Zach isn't too interested, being occupied by staring at girls (despite having a clingy girlfriend back home).  Having ditched the assistant many Eggs ago too, they go around the park in a bit of a daze really. 

Well, we learn that the Indominus is capable of high thought, having tricked the puny humans into helping her escape.  It now goes on a hunting expedition, and it's up to Owen, with a little help from high-heel wearing Claire, to stop it and save...I'm not sure.  She takes an awful long time to remember her two nephews are out there, and the 'evacuation' of the park is a rather leisurely affair (despite having a rampaging beast on the loose, the guests are pretty much left on their version of Downtown Disney, waiting for something but having enough time to get beers at the Jimmy Buffet's Margaritaville bar, but much more on that later).  The Indominus rex, created from part T. rex and part something 'mysterious', goes after the boys...the same boys their aunt can't remember are out there for what I figure must have been at least two hours as the crisis grows and grows.

Eventually, Owen is talked/coerced into using his raptors to hunt Indominus down, but we get a twist in that wild hunt.  The park devolves into chaos, people are killed (some rather brutally) and Claire learns to love.

Seriously...she learns to love her nephews and slips into the muscular arms of Andy Dwyer.


I have to get this off my chest before I go on.  Jurassic World is perhaps the laziest script I've seen in a while, at least this year.  There's no consistency and it almost enjoys contradicting itself.  Let's get a look at a few points of idiocy and illogic in the film, courtesy of Rick Jaffa, Amanda Silver, Derek Connolly, and director Colin Trevorrow.

As a side note, anytime you have more than three writers working on a script, I worry.

Aunt Claire got Zack and Gray VIP passes that can get them past all lines to get into rides and exhibits quickly (the ultimate Fast Pass).  Yet we see them waiting in long lines to get into the bubble-craft things. 

Owen can control the raptors with a clicker, but that idea comes and goes at will, because sometimes his just bonding with them is enough...apparently to have them come to his rescue at the most opportune moment (eye-rolling moment for both Fidel and me).

A big deal is made out of Claire's footwear, but we never see her take her heels off.  In fact, in what is suppose to be a climatic moment when she "releases the Kraken" (aka lets the big T. rex out), we DISTINCTLY hear the clicking of heels as she runs out to have it follow her.  I've never known a woman to outrun anything/anyone in high heels.

Zack and Gray get on their little bubble-craft just before the order comes in to close the park.  Yet there is no override device on the machines to get them back to the ride, so in theory could someone ride on those things for hours and hours until the park had to send someone to basically corral the guest?

Claire orders an evacuation of the park, but when we do get glimpses of the guests, the management or staff doesn't seem to really make much effort in getting anyone out.  I observed to my friend Fidel Gomez Jr. (whom I'm happy to report is very much alive and who watched the film with me, the first time we've seen something together in at least five years) that the Titanic was evacuated faster and more efficiently than Jurassic World.

This last point was a big one for me.  You have a growing crisis going on, but we never see ships coming in, or there being any real effort to get people out.  No ships, no helicopters, no battleships...nothing.  Instead, the guests are told there's been some kind of 'containment anomaly' and that's pretty much it.  I'm suppose to believe that the park is being shut down, but when the pterosaurs are rampaging, there are still little tykes riding the triceratops.  Wouldn't they have shut down the little petting zoo by now? 

I digress to point out that Disney's Animal Kingdom shuts down at five, and the Disney people are very efficient at getting people out.  Same for the Bronx Zoo...once the zoo closes, the animals essentially disappear.  I guess Jurassic World doesn't work the same way.

Even more bizarre (and hilarious to me) was that when the pterosaurs finally attacked a la The Birds, I saw one of the extras grab a couple of beers and run off.  SERIOUSLY?  No margarita is worth my life.  And did Claire and Owen really have to kiss after rescuing the annoying kids with flying dinosaurs still flying about them?

Apparently, in Jurassic World there are other things that don't exist.  Let's go along with the idea that they didn't tell the guests why the park was closing.  Apparently, Jurassic World has no Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Skype, or YouTube, because apparently news of the insanity going on in the park never appeared to reach the outside world.  No one posting some "I can't believe their closing Jurassic World" on their news feed or "Still waiting to leave JW" tweet.  Yes, maybe I am overthinking that point, but I can't really buy the world they created (especially since I don't understand why we're told it was Sir Dickie's John Hammond's dying wish that they really wanted to open the park after his grandchildren were almost eaten alive.  I wish they had had an auto-animatronic or hologram figure of Sir Dickie saying "Welcome to Jurassic Park").

Look, I can suspend some disbelief, but not to where I'm basically asked, "Don't think at all, just focus on how cool the big dinosaurs are" in a park that I probably couldn't afford to go to...even on Coupon Day (Fidel reminded me of that).  Fidel also had a great line when Claire tears her shirt open to show he was a huntress.  "What does that mean?" Owen asks her.  "Means I'm ready", she replies.  He quipped, "Ready for a photo shoot".

As much at Jurassic World would like for me to care, I couldn't, especially about the subplot of the kids finding they love each other and their parents' divorce (poor Greer had nothing to do but literally cry IN EVERY SCENE SHE WAS IN, which was in three: beginning, middle, and end.  Cry, cry, cry she did).  It's not a good sign that when little Gray cries about finding out his parents have two sets of lawyers...DIVORCE lawyers, I started laughing.  It also doesn't help I actually wanted them to get eaten.

Watching Jurassic World does not convince me that Bryce Dallas Howard got this gig because she doesn't have some connections in the industry.  Granted, it's a one-note character, but she couldn't do anything with it apart from being a cliché.  Same goes for Pratt, who has decided to abandon the dimwitted goofball he was on Parks & Rec and which he used to great effect in Guardians of the Galaxy.  Instead, he's all square-jawed hunkiness, manly to a T. rex, which has the unfortunate effect of making him less endearing and more 'this is my bid to be a stoic action star'.  Fine, let him have a career, but this doesn't make for me a case that he's a.) a real action star and/or b.) a real actor.

Let's see him play Hamlet, and we'll talk.

There's also that military subplot and the 'mad scientist' machinations of Dr. Wu (B.D. Wong, the only actor to return from any Jurassic Park film, begging the question 'why didn't anyone else stop them from opening the damn park?').  Both drag the film down considerably, making it longer than it should be.

I'll say that there was at least one highlight: Jake Johnson was a delight as Lowery, the comic relief who rattled off quips while working in the control room (itself a subject of arbitrary logic...THERE they could see the Indominus was still in its holding cage, but at the cage itself, it registered as NOT being there.  How convenient).  I also like the Michael Crichton nod (you can see a book with his picture on it on Lowery's work area). 

I like dinosaurs.  Dinosaurs are cool.  However, for what it's worth, I can't get excited over those in Jurassic World.  I still prefer the original.  There was a real WOW factor there.  Oddly, I thought those in Jurassic World were more predictable than the ones in Jurassic Park, rather than the other way round.

Fidel and I were surprised that people applauded at the end of Jurassic World, since both of us thought it was not a particularly good film.  We're big on logic, even in a popcorn film (see, Galaxy, Guardians of).  I guess people are easily pleased nowadays, just like the guests at the Jurassic World, who need "Bigger, Faster, More Teeth" and aren't as thrilled with dinosaurs walking among them as they were twenty-two years ago.  Fidel made an interesting point.  He didn't buy the premise that people would become blasé about dinosaurs.  He figured people would still be excited to see dinosaurs, period, and wouldn't be demanding different, more brutal types.

I think the wild success and acclaim Jurassic World has had proves him wrong, and the impending sequel (seriously, how stupid can people be to go BACK into that damn looney bin) puts the coda on it all.  "These people, they never learn", a character says.  True dat, true dat.

DECISION: C-

JURASSIC PARK FILMS

Jurassic Park

The Lost World: Jurassic Park

Jurassic Park III

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

Jurassic World Dominion

Jurassic World Rebirth