Tuesday, September 4, 2012

The Death of Doctor Who Episode Three

Before it all went to Hell...
In our last episode, I had mentioned about how there is a particular character that I find rather odious. This character is someone who has done a great deal of damage to Doctor Who merely by her ubiquity on the show.  It seems almost that this particular character is the star of Doctor Who, not the Doctor himself. 

In short, this character has so overtaken the series that they ought to rename the show.

She's known for two insipid catchphrases that Reason 4 think are a sign of genius.  While she may not do this, I will now do what said character never does...

The Third Thing Killing Doctor Who...

3.) River Song

I have never understood the cult that has been built around this slut.  Why she is so beloved by certain Whovians (even by The Nerdist Himself, Mr. Chris Hardwick), is a total mystery. 

Let's go over her history (as much as I can make out of it).

She is 'destined' to both marry AND kill The Doctor.  She is the daughter of the Doctor's Companions Amy and Rory (surname a subject of debate), who was conceived by the power of the Holy TARDIS (that WILL be important later on). Her birth name was Melody Pond (Melody=Song, Pond=River), despite her father's surname being Williams.  She is taken by The Silence as an infant to train her to be a master assassin with the Doctor as the only target (a Manchurian Alien?), but somehow doesn't actually do it despite her constant protests that she will kill 'the best man she's ever known' (which rules Daddy Rory out, since he's a milquetoast).

Well, somehow our little out-of-tune Melody as a little girl manages to regenerate in January, 1970.  She also manages to become childhood friends to Amy and Rory when Amy and Rory were kids who were born in the 1980s.  She manages to regenerate in front of her parents into the woman we all know and love/hate...while they recognize her as their grown daughter, she at first doesn't appear to recognize them (I think: River's Secret Parts 1 & 2--A Good Man Goes to War/Let's Kill Hitler is such a blank I can't recall). 

Despite her training to kill The Doctor she opts to save him, using all her remaining regenerations in order to do so.  She gets locked up for murdering The Doctor but gets out every so often to join him on some adventure.  In fact, River's been with him so long she knows how to operate the TARDIS better than HE does.  That whoosing sound?  Well, that happens because he always leaves the brakes on.

In that whole recap of the saga of River Song, did anyone notice something? 

Well, here's what I noticed: few things in it make sense!!!

Sorry Chris, I love you dearly as a Champion of Nerds everywhere (even if I can't qualify for full Nerd status because I don't play video games and never read comic books).  You seem like a witty and fun guy, but on your love for River Song, we must part company and I must show you the error of your ways.

Let's just start with the obvious.  IF the little girl who regenerated (and this is an important point here) in Day of the Moon Part 2 (Day of the Moon) IS indeed River Song, then how could she also be Mels from River's Secret Part 2 (Let's Kill Hitler)?  Day of the Moon makes clear the child's regeneration took place six months after the lunar landing (July 29, 1969).  That puts her regenerating in January or early February 1970. 

Amy and Rory were born in the late 1980s.  I put Amy's birth around 1989 (Karen Gillan, who plays Amy Pond, was born in 1987, so it's plausible) and Rory's around maybe 1985-87 (Arthur Darvill, who was born in 1982, should be a bit older as Rory).  In order therefore for Mels to be their childhood friend, she would have to pass as someone close to their age. 

HOWEVER, she had been around for almost TWENTY YEARS by the time she came around to go from the events of Day of the Moon Part 2 to those in River's Secret Part 2.  In other words, River Song by this time would have been old enough to be her own mother's mother! 

You can't explain any of this through some timey-wimey subterfuge (although you can..such as the Silence picked up River right after she regenerated, froze her for those twenty years, planted her among her future parents--having arranged to eventually get Amy and Rory together AND have them conceive her in the TARDIS, intergalactic matchmakers so to speak, and got her to become their troublesome friend). 

I don't know about you, but that all seems rather grandiose and elaborate for something as simple as a plot point. 

I just think the entire backstory is illogical to the point of being insulting to the audience, but Reason Num. 4 just goes along with it, not caring whether it makes sense or not.  They just think it's awesome, damn the logic, so we have to live with it.    

If that weren't the only thing that gets on my nerves about River Song, it's this whole 'regenerating' business that should send any sensible Who fan straight over the edge and have them scream for Moffat's head (metaphorically speaking).  Before the NuWho, only Time Lords themselves could regenerate (change their appearance when they come close to death).  Now it seems any Tom, Dick or River can regenerate so long as their parents did a little bump and grind aboard a TARDIS.

Am I the ONLY one who thinks this entire storyline 'tis an entire pile of shit?  Since WHEN did the TARDIS give powers for those conceived within it to regenerate?  THIS IS NONSENSE.  Again and again I've said that if the Doctor wants new Time Lords, all he has to do is turn the TARDIS into a whorehouse and pick up the children conceived within it and voila: a new Gallifrey.

The ONLY reason River Song has received this build up, this power to do something only Time Lords up till now could do is because like Pygmalion, Steven Moffat has fallen in love with his own creation.  He has become so obsessed with River Song that nothing will dissuade him of the idea that she is beloved by all Whovians, that we see her the same way he does: as this iconic Doctor Who figure that the show simply cannot do without. 

Hardwick, alas, appears as enamoured of River as Moffat, but at least the latter has the excuse that he created her.  I don't understand why Hardwick or any of his Nerdist crew doesn't bother to even raise some of the plot holes her storyline creates.

My biggest beef with River is above all else, that she becomes the central character in almost all the stories she is in.  She just can't be a supporting character.  NO...she has to be what the entire STORY revolves around.   Why do you think I named the two-part story A Good Man Goes to War/Let's Kill Hitler "River's Secret Parts 1 & 2"?  Because it was All About River: her Birth and Transfiguration.  I think I read somewhere that the entire Series/Season Six revolved around River Song: her identity, her creation, her mission, and her marriage (hence, The Wedding of River Song...note that it wasn't called The Doctor's Wedding or any variation thereof).  

Moffat wants us DESPERATELY to see River Song as this Icon, this Brilliant Creation, and Hardwick is happy to play along for reasons of his own (unfathomable to me).  Damn the critics, says they: SHE IS GENIUS.

The truth is she just sucks...and sucks everything out of any Doctor Who story she is rammed into.  The focus turns to her, not him.  I have long argued that River Song becomes the central character and the Doctor is a supporting character on his own show.  In fact, I now refer to the show as River Song given the prominence she is handed.  No Companion before River has been such a central part of the stories: not Susan (who was the Doctor's GRANDDAUGHTER for Heaven's sake), not Jamie, not Jo Grant, not Leela, not either Romana.  Not even Sarah Jane was allowed to be anything other than a supporting character.  It was always clear the Doctor was the star of Doctor Who

Today, that is highly in question.  Granted, there was a greater emphasis on Ace during the last season, but at least the Doctor was acting as her mentor/protector, not her lover.  With the NuWho, the emphasis has shifted more towards the Companions: it's Rose's story, it's Donna's family, it's Captain Jack Harkness' spin-off, and less and less on the Doctor himself. 

River merely represents the nadir of this Companion Complex (putting the focus on the Companion rather than the Doctor).  In almost all the stories she is in, River becomes the central character.  River in almost all her appearances (perhaps even Forest of the Dead Parts 1 & 2: Silence in the Library/Forest of the Dead which I have yet to see for reasons too long to explain) is built up as this major part.  She is vital to the Doctor's timeline (so the story goes) and she is needed especially so in Series/Season Six.  Note the Doctor turned to HER for aid rather than the other way round.  How can one be the hero of a television show when said hero can't do something without some minor character?

Oh God, when will this woman go?

As it stands, Daddy Dearest isn't any better, and represents something just as insidious as River Song and the Companion Complex.  It's history repeating itself: just as Mickey Smith, Rose Tyler's boyfriend, was such a wimp for most of his time, so Rory Pond is, only more so.

How pathetic IS Rory?  He is so weak...HOW WEAK IS HE...he's so weak that he is stripped of his last name and he doesn't appear to object.  In the publicity for Season/Series Seven there was this constant talk of "the Ponds".  It was going to be farewell to "the Ponds".  River Song was really a child named Melody Pond.  The mini-sodes on the BBC website were called Pond Life.  There is only one problem...

His Name Is Rory WILLIAMS. 

I know that today married women don't have to take their husband's surnames.  My views on such matters is immaterial.  However, Rory (The Eternal Roman, the Man Who Waited) is perhaps the first time the husband has taken the wife's name...with the exception of Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa, who at least COMBINED his and her surname before boffing news reporters on the side. 

I think Arthur Darvill doesn't care that he's thought of as "Rory Pond".  He gets his paycheck, that's all that matters.  I truly hadn't given it much thought until The God Complex where the Doctor refers to them as "the Ponds".  Mild eccentricity of the Doctor's, I thought.  Later on, I noticed more and more how often they were referred to as "the Ponds".  Even in the Pond Life stories Amy herself calls him "Mr. Pond" TO HIS FACE.

If I were married, I would not allow my wife to call me Mr. Whatever.  Maybe it's the Hispanic in me, but I find this insulting to him.  I disliked how Amy was so dismissive of Rory's protests that his daughter should be called Melody Williams, and even more so of how quick Rory was to just give in.

Despite all he's gone through for someone as ungrateful, selfish, and inconsiderate as Amy Pond is (having his name stripped, not having his daughter as part of his life, not having his daughter carry his name, having his wife pine over technically their son-in-law, waiting for her for thousands of years), Rory has never developed a backbone. 

And STILL, the stories on NuWho almost always revolve around the Companions and their family issues.  Rose's separation from her mother and weak boyfriend.  Donna's grandfather.  Now the domestic marital problems of "the Ponds". 

Now I know why they are divorcing.  I would have left Amy Williams a LONG TIME ago.

Even that I imagine could have been endured, but not the Number Two thing killing Doctor Who...       
Why yes, I DO enjoy
kissing Steven Moffat's ass. 
Why do you ask?


  1. Half your facts aren't entirely accurate, plus there's still a lot of back story to be revealed. Many people really need to understand River Song to like her. And you can't compare her to other Companions to judge her because she's so much more than a companion. Personally, I think there's more depth to her than many of the female characters in the series, and despite obvious signs of her own comfort in her sexuality, is not a slut at all. She went through a hell of a lot of trials to get to where she needed to be to help someone she loved, so it's surprising that she didn't end up crazier than she is or dead. Also, she loved the Doctor not because of destiny or fate, but because of the kindness and sacrifice he showed in "Let's Kill Hitler" and various other implied adventures. So of course much of the story would focus on her, she's the Doctor's WIFE, so the fans will obviously want to know more about this person who is so important to the key character of the series, the Doctor himself. The show follows the Doctor's life, so it doesn't have to be entirely focused on him. She is a huge part of his life, as are his companions(but more so River Song), so the series documenting his life should focus on her quite a bit. The whole underlying plot of the sixth series is about the silence and the Doctor's wife for a reason. She's also the main mysterious, enigmatic character which makes the characterization through time bit of Doctor Who so interesting. The Doctor turning to her for help is yet another way Moffat and other writers use psychological filters to characterize the Doctor as a complex person, not some shallow archetypal hero lacking real emotion and personality. River is also supposed to represent a sort of romantic maturation going on for the Doctor, since he is often referred to as a four year in a time machine for his juvenile approach to life. She makes him grow up a little while keeping him fun and whimsical. River happens to be my current favorite character, though a lot of people who haven't seen all of her episodes don't seem to like her. I can also understand the argument that she is obviously deeply devoted to him while he still seems quite distracted and distant towards her, but I think that will change as the series continues and his maturation goes on (as demonstrated in "Last Night"). Her playful banter is simply meant to show that she is wilder and more mature than the Doctor at times as well as less mature and more naive than him at other times (because sometimes he's older and she's younger, and vice versa, so you'd really have to get their whole timeline to fully grasp these differences). She really brings the tragic love dynamic as well as more witty, playfull (both common Doctor Who characteristics) romance to the romantic side of Moffat's series. Some people may only come for the action/adventure side of the show and may no like how much they delve into the whole sci-fi confusion, psychological developement, and romantic complexity side. Those are many of my favorite parts. The complex timeline, witty banter, emotional complexity, and unique characterization of River is why I love her so much. I can understand how some would disagree, but I think River is part of why Doctor Who remains to be a brilliant show. It may change quite a bit from Doctor to Doctor, but that's the point (that's why they change the TARDIS, logo, and theme song every time he regenerates). So if you're having trouble with this Doctor, stick around for the next. That's one great redeeming quality of Doctor Who, it never stays exactly the same or runs out of entertaining plots and characters.

  2. Eternal Whovian?!
    More like a product of the current crop of zombified NuWho group! Though not all are completely brain-dead, I suppose not having a working brain does help to accept that sociopathic puke River Song!
    She is not a strong woman nor is she "comfortable in her own skin". She is compulsive sexually which is a classic symptom of sociopath.
    She is a textbook case so to see many fools denying this either suggest someone very young or very uneducated.
    She is NOT capable of Real Love! Anyone calling the laughable crap she has been displaying as a sign of love is a very ignorant mentally disturbed individual. She HAS NEVER shown any signs of Real Love towards the Doctor but all the classic symptoms of a sociopath!
    (From an article entitled "Do Sociopaths Love?)Yes. Sociopaths can love with a selfish intensity that puts other love to shame. Their love is a devouring, consuming sort of love.
    I've never seen a more disgusting character EVER! She is a cold-blooded killer! In Day of the Moon, while A FEW of the Silence tried to shoot her, after she killed 2 or 3 she had AMPLE OPPORTUNITY to slip inside the Tardis BUT instead deliberately chose to stay and continue to happily kill the others not only in cold-blood BUT with that disgusting sick psychotic smile!
    This is from an article about how Sociopaths love:Love may be blind for empaths, but a sociopath sees your faults clearly and loves you still. LOL! Moffat said the same thing about River not long ago! So either he has deliberately made her into a sociopath or he is one of thee most incompetent writers ever!
    She is a nasty little A-Hole! It's NOT okay for a man to slap a woman so what kind of nut-jobs think it's okay for a woman to slap a man?! The woman is a verbally and physically abusive POS!
    Oh and she IS NOT THE DOCTORS WIFE! Only people who are completely insane would babble such laughable crap! Just like in Back to the Future II, Once the alternate time-line ends, so does everything that occurs in that time line! Like the fact that Amy and Rory were not married in that alternate time line BUT once the original time line was restored, they were married once again.
    And Amy killed Madame K in that alternate time line but once that time line ended, River herself mentioned that it never happened! And neither did that farce of a wedding! What a joke! and yes, I've heard some mentally disturbed fools babbling about they can be married if they want to. RME Yeah, that makes people like that sound sane and rational! >PALMSMACK<
    Some ignorant little fools babble that a sociopath would never save a life. Oh really?
    A REAL LIFE SOCIOPATH ONCE SAVED THE LIFE OF A 3 YR OLD BOY! HE KEPT HIM FROM DROWNING! Now who was this fellow? TED BUNDY! The Same Ted Bundy who raped and killed more then 30 women!
    And who the H, didn't note the bizarre BS when River told Madame K "You kidnapped me and brainwashed me to want to kill the Doctor. Who else was I going to fall in love with?! " LOL!!!!!!!! Are YOU KIDDING ME?!
    That load of BS that came out of Rivers rear-end was beyond stupid! THAT IS NOT LOVE! For all insane fools who think the BS that River prattled in The Wedding of River Song had ANYTHING to do with love, had better read this article! FAST!
    In fact I've noted several things about all of the ridiculous creepy little River Song fans:
    1. They are not in touch with reality
    2. They know practically nothing about abnormal psychology(I've studied psychology for over 20 yrs)
    3. They know practically nothing about healthy realistic love.
    4. They are very emotionally immature.
    5. They have no common sense.
    6. They tend to behave like lemmings.
    7. They have very crappy taste.

  3. Oh Hell. I am going to be kind and restrain myself before I go and open a can of word-whoop-ass on you. EternalWhovian actually made many very good points and I agree with him/her completely. If you don't have the gonads to post something that has your username on it, your opinion won't earn any respect from me. Wow, you're all big and bad ass and know so much, and yet you hid behind anonymity. If you were as fantabulous as you are portraying yourself to be, you wouldn't be so eager to hide your identity; especially, considering your ego.
    Let us begin, shall we?
    I didn't know that giving your life for someone as a laughable, crappy sign of love, asshole. You say, "Yes. Sociopaths can love with a selfish intensity that puts other love to shame." Is it just me, or is giving your life for someone you love, obviously more than life itself, the least selfish thing you could possibly do?
    You DO realize that the Silence are BAD, correct? The doctor wouldn't hesitate to kill a Dalek or Cyberman (he has killed many) if it meant protecting his companions, family, and the ones he loves. If she had ran and ducked inside the TARDIS, you would have claimed that her love could never possibly be true and that she is a wimp and a coward to leave the Doctor there when all he had ever done was protect her. Is it possible that she was smiling because she was glad to be able to help the Doctor? (Oh, wow, it's as though a whole knew world has just appeared in your extremely narrow mind, isn't it) When you think ignorantly as you do, said person you speak of is damned if they do and damned if they do not.
    What's wrong with loving a person DESPITE their faults, rather than loving them without knowing them? If you ask me, despite their faults is better, because then you truly love that person for them. Not for the way that you see them. If you love them without knowing about their faults, you very well may realize that they have them one day and decide, "Dang! I didn't know they had THAT fault. Egh. I'm above that!"
    If you had ever been abused physically, emotionally, mentally, or sexually, you would know what abuse is really like. So please refrain from insulting people that have been abused by downplaying it like you have just done. Show River's actions to any person who REALLY knows what abuse is, and they will laugh in your face, and unmistakably call you ignorant.
    As far as her not ACTUALLY being the Doctors wife, whatever. Time lords or people with timelord characteristics remember, and honor, things that happen in alternate universes, because they were knowledgeable of it at the time and know it will change in another universe. Basically, they do not use the fact they have done something that will change the universe back to "normal" as an excuse to act in any way they please because it will "change." It won't change to them. They can remember it and it is equally as real to them as if it had happened in the current universe.
    I'm just going to assume (they way you do about many things), that you mean! >FACEPALM<
    See More Below.

  4. River may LOVE whomever she pleases. If she wants to be a rebel or is hardwired to be one, it is none of your business to say she can't. I finally do agree with you on one thing, Obession and Love are DIFFERENT, but sometimes they DO go together. Obsession may present itself as love and love may present itself as obsession, but unless you are in that persons head, physically, seeing what they are seeing, thinking what they are thinking, and feeling what they are feeling, you can't always tell.
    In fact, (yeah a comma does go there, maybe you should remember that) I have noted several things throughout your creepy little post.
    1. You have no respect for others or their opinions.
    2. You are obviously male to be so egotistical. (Maybe you are in such a foul mood because you failed to use enough lube when you shoved your head up you--, maybe I just won't go there.)
    3. You are ignorant.
    4. You have no empathy. (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/empathy)
    5. You fail to do the proper research before you write about a topic.
    6. You behave like a child throwing a hissy fit.
    7. You have a very crappy attitude, are probably pessimistic, and it is highly likely that you have few friends.

    Go EternalWhovian!


Views are always welcome, but I would ask that no vulgarity be used. Any posts that contain foul language or are bigoted in any way will not be posted.
Thank you.