|Before it all went to Hell...|
In short, this character has so overtaken the series that they ought to rename the show.
She's known for two insipid catchphrases that Reason 4 think are a sign of genius. While she may not do this, I will now do what said character never does...
I'LL GIVE YOU SPOILERS.
The Third Thing Killing Doctor Who...
3.) River Song
I have never understood the cult that has been built around this slut. Why she is so beloved by certain Whovians (even by The Nerdist Himself, Mr. Chris Hardwick), is a total mystery.
Let's go over her history (as much as I can make out of it).
She is 'destined' to both marry AND kill The Doctor. She is the daughter of the Doctor's Companions Amy and Rory (surname a subject of debate), who was conceived by the power of the Holy TARDIS (that WILL be important later on). Her birth name was Melody Pond (Melody=Song, Pond=River), despite her father's surname being Williams. She is taken by The Silence as an infant to train her to be a master assassin with the Doctor as the only target (a Manchurian Alien?), but somehow doesn't actually do it despite her constant protests that she will kill 'the best man she's ever known' (which rules Daddy Rory out, since he's a milquetoast).
Well, somehow our little out-of-tune Melody as a little girl manages to regenerate in January, 1970. She also manages to become childhood friends to Amy and Rory when Amy and Rory were kids who were born in the 1980s. She manages to regenerate in front of her parents into the woman we all know and love/hate...while they recognize her as their grown daughter, she at first doesn't appear to recognize them (I think: River's Secret Parts 1 & 2--A Good Man Goes to War/Let's Kill Hitler is such a blank I can't recall).
Despite her training to kill The Doctor she opts to save him, using all her remaining regenerations in order to do so. She gets locked up for murdering The Doctor but gets out every so often to join him on some adventure. In fact, River's been with him so long she knows how to operate the TARDIS better than HE does. That whoosing sound? Well, that happens because he always leaves the brakes on.
In that whole recap of the saga of River Song, did anyone notice something?
Well, here's what I noticed: few things in it make sense!!!
Sorry Chris, I love you dearly as a Champion of Nerds everywhere (even if I can't qualify for full Nerd status because I don't play video games and never read comic books). You seem like a witty and fun guy, but on your love for River Song, we must part company and I must show you the error of your ways.
Amy and Rory were born in the late 1980s. I put Amy's birth around 1989 (Karen Gillan, who plays Amy Pond, was born in 1987, so it's plausible) and Rory's around maybe 1985-87 (Arthur Darvill, who was born in 1982, should be a bit older as Rory). In order therefore for Mels to be their childhood friend, she would have to pass as someone close to their age.
HOWEVER, she had been around for almost TWENTY YEARS by the time she came around to go from the events of Day of the Moon Part 2 to those in River's Secret Part 2. In other words, River Song by this time would have been old enough to be her own mother's mother!
You can't explain any of this through some timey-wimey subterfuge (although you can..such as the Silence picked up River right after she regenerated, froze her for those twenty years, planted her among her future parents--having arranged to eventually get Amy and Rory together AND have them conceive her in the TARDIS, intergalactic matchmakers so to speak, and got her to become their troublesome friend).
I don't know about you, but that all seems rather grandiose and elaborate for something as simple as a plot point.
I just think the entire backstory is illogical to the point of being insulting to the audience, but Reason Num. 4 just goes along with it, not caring whether it makes sense or not. They just think it's awesome, damn the logic, so we have to live with it.
Am I the ONLY one who thinks this entire storyline 'tis an entire pile of shit? Since WHEN did the TARDIS give powers for those conceived within it to regenerate? THIS IS NONSENSE. Again and again I've said that if the Doctor wants new Time Lords, all he has to do is turn the TARDIS into a whorehouse and pick up the children conceived within it and voila: a new Gallifrey.
The ONLY reason River Song has received this build up, this power to do something only Time Lords up till now could do is because like Pygmalion, Steven Moffat has fallen in love with his own creation. He has become so obsessed with River Song that nothing will dissuade him of the idea that she is beloved by all Whovians, that we see her the same way he does: as this iconic Doctor Who figure that the show simply cannot do without.
Hardwick, alas, appears as enamoured of River as Moffat, but at least the latter has the excuse that he created her. I don't understand why Hardwick or any of his Nerdist crew doesn't bother to even raise some of the plot holes her storyline creates.
My biggest beef with River is above all else, that she becomes the central character in almost all the stories she is in. She just can't be a supporting character. NO...she has to be what the entire STORY revolves around. Why do you think I named the two-part story A Good Man Goes to War/Let's Kill Hitler "River's Secret Parts 1 & 2"? Because it was All About River: her Birth and Transfiguration. I think I read somewhere that the entire Series/Season Six revolved around River Song: her identity, her creation, her mission, and her marriage (hence, The Wedding of River Song...note that it wasn't called The Doctor's Wedding or any variation thereof).
Moffat wants us DESPERATELY to see River Song as this Icon, this Brilliant Creation, and Hardwick is happy to play along for reasons of his own (unfathomable to me). Damn the critics, says they: SHE IS GENIUS.
The truth is she just sucks...and sucks everything out of any Doctor Who story she is rammed into. The focus turns to her, not him. I have long argued that River Song becomes the central character and the Doctor is a supporting character on his own show. In fact, I now refer to the show as River Song given the prominence she is handed. No Companion before River has been such a central part of the stories: not Susan (who was the Doctor's GRANDDAUGHTER for Heaven's sake), not Jamie, not Jo Grant, not Leela, not either Romana. Not even Sarah Jane was allowed to be anything other than a supporting character. It was always clear the Doctor was the star of Doctor Who.
Today, that is highly in question. Granted, there was a greater emphasis on Ace during the last season, but at least the Doctor was acting as her mentor/protector, not her lover. With the NuWho, the emphasis has shifted more towards the Companions: it's Rose's story, it's Donna's family, it's Captain Jack Harkness' spin-off, and less and less on the Doctor himself.
River merely represents the nadir of this Companion Complex (putting the focus on the Companion rather than the Doctor). In almost all the stories she is in, River becomes the central character. River in almost all her appearances (perhaps even Forest of the Dead Parts 1 & 2: Silence in the Library/Forest of the Dead which I have yet to see for reasons too long to explain) is built up as this major part. She is vital to the Doctor's timeline (so the story goes) and she is needed especially so in Series/Season Six. Note the Doctor turned to HER for aid rather than the other way round. How can one be the hero of a television show when said hero can't do something without some minor character?
Oh God, when will this woman go?
How pathetic IS Rory? He is so weak...HOW WEAK IS HE...he's so weak that he is stripped of his last name and he doesn't appear to object. In the publicity for Season/Series Seven there was this constant talk of "the Ponds". It was going to be farewell to "the Ponds". River Song was really a child named Melody Pond. The mini-sodes on the BBC website were called Pond Life. There is only one problem...
His Name Is Rory WILLIAMS.
I know that today married women don't have to take their husband's surnames. My views on such matters is immaterial. However, Rory (The Eternal Roman, the Man Who Waited) is perhaps the first time the husband has taken the wife's name...with the exception of Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa, who at least COMBINED his and her surname before boffing news reporters on the side.
I think Arthur Darvill doesn't care that he's thought of as "Rory Pond". He gets his paycheck, that's all that matters. I truly hadn't given it much thought until The God Complex where the Doctor refers to them as "the Ponds". Mild eccentricity of the Doctor's, I thought. Later on, I noticed more and more how often they were referred to as "the Ponds". Even in the Pond Life stories Amy herself calls him "Mr. Pond" TO HIS FACE.
If I were married, I would not allow my wife to call me Mr. Whatever. Maybe it's the Hispanic in me, but I find this insulting to him. I disliked how Amy was so dismissive of Rory's protests that his daughter should be called Melody Williams, and even more so of how quick Rory was to just give in.
Despite all he's gone through for someone as ungrateful, selfish, and inconsiderate as Amy Pond is (having his name stripped, not having his daughter as part of his life, not having his daughter carry his name, having his wife pine over technically their son-in-law, waiting for her for thousands of years), Rory has never developed a backbone.
And STILL, the stories on NuWho almost always revolve around the Companions and their family issues. Rose's separation from her mother and weak boyfriend. Donna's grandfather. Now the domestic marital problems of "the Ponds".
Now I know why they are divorcing. I would have left Amy Williams a LONG TIME ago.
Even that I imagine could have been endured, but not the Number Two thing killing Doctor Who...
|Why yes, I DO enjoy |
kissing Steven Moffat's ass.
Why do you ask?