Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Separated at Birth?

Is it me, or is there just a hint of similarity between Jasper Cullen and Beaker from The Muppet Show? Take a look and tell me if I'm wrong.

For the life of me, I fail to understand the hold the Twilight series (excuse me, SAGA) has over what I would believe to be reasonably intelligent people. I confess to having gone through only the first part of this behemoth lust story. However, I can get the main point: a love triangle between a girl, a vampire, and a werewolf. I am aware from the defenders that it really is more than that. It is suppose to be about this great love, how EDWARD CULLEN has waited for close to a hundred years for this one girl, Bella Swann, how he does not want to turn her into a vampire and condemn her to his kind of existence, and how they must overcome all sorts of obstacles to be together.

I think it would be instructive to translate all the Girl-Speak to get to the heart of Twilight. It is exclusively about identification: Bella is the Every Girl (and by extension, the reader). She is not beautiful, she is not super-smart, she doesn't like all the girly things her classmates/friends are into, she is not cheerleader material. In short, she is like all the girls who aren't "popular".

You then have this perfect man, and he's perfect in every way: he's first off extremely attractive, the muscles are not excessive but fit into his clothes smoothly. He is gentle and kind, thoughtful, and above all--he is interested in YOU (I mean, her). The best part of EDWARD CULLEN is that he DOESN'T want to take advantage of Bella. Not only that, but his acceptance is now her (and the reader's) entry into the Ultimate Clique: rich, perfect, beautiful people. It's no surprise that they are also soulless.

Take this for example. Whenever Bella says, "I want you to change me, EDWARD", translated into American English, is "Screw me. Screw me NOW. Screw me like I've never been screwed before...because I've never been screwed before". When EDWARD CULLEN responds, "I don't want to", that means "I LOVE YOU so much I don't want to use you just for your body and then move on. I've WAITED for YOU so long when I finally screw YOU it needs to be with the knowledge that NO ONE ELSE has had YOU and that I've NEVER had ANYONE ELSE because there can never be ANYONE ELSE except YOU".

Now, I'm all for abstinence if that is what an individual chooses or is led to accept. I cannot stop anyone from giving in to the temptations of The Pleasures of The Flesh and am far too familiar with the frailities of man to hold such things against them. However, there is more to the Twilight series (excuse me, SAGA) than this. It is the fact that there is ANOTHER person: the best male (heterosexual) friend who also wants her. He cares about her, wants to protect her, is willing to fight another man for her...and it doesn't hurt that he's built like a brick house. He is Mighty Mighty, our Jacob. Black. Ooooh. If I look at all this, the story is insanely popular because it's so insanely narcissistic. It really is All About Bella.

This is the reason the rabid fan base takes no note of how awful the writing is. Stephanie Meyer may have graduated with an English Literature degree from BYU but it looks like she learned nothing. I might be wrong: given that the writing sounds like a brain-dead fourteen year old, she may have been writing with that in mind. Certainly this doesn't look like it came from a WASM housewife (White Anglo-Saxon Mormon, in case you were wondering). I can only remember a few lines from Twilight, and not because they were well-written, but because they were so funny. "I can't believe someone as beautiful as EDWARD CULLEN would be speaking to me". "His skin...literally sparkled". (Hint to Mrs. Meyer, 'literally' means it ACTUALLY happened, 'figuratively' means it was or could be imagined).

The most amazing thing about the Twilight seri...saga is that it has taken Mrs. Meyer FOUR BOOKS (the last one well over 500 pages long) to tell a very basic, simplistic, and bad story. What this says about both the educational level of the readers or the state of present-day American literature is frightening.

As I notice with dismay how popular the books are, how girls read and reread them again and again while not bothering to learn anything useful, I officially declare Twilight/New Moon/Eclipse/Breaking Dawn one of the signs of The End of Western Civilization.

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