Thursday, December 17, 2009

Twilight: New Moon. A Review (Review #26)


I See A Bad New Moon Rising...

From what I understand, New Moon (excuse me, The Twilight Saga: New Moon) has only the above to offer. However, I also understand that this is ALL the fans actually want. If that is the criterion for the success of the film & novel, then New Moon (excuse me, The Twilight Saga: New Moon) has fulfilled its duty. Perhaps never in the field of film-making have men, especially minors, been so sexually objectified. Whether this is a step forward or not is entirely up to the viewer, but how ANY of this is relevant to the plot is unknown.

We continue our story of Bella Swann or as I lovingly call her, Bella Swoon(Kristen Stewart) and her Sullen Cullen, better known as EDWARD CULLEN (Robert Pattinson) as they march on to the sappiest love story since The O.C. went off the air. They face all these Romeo & Juliet-style obstacles: she's human, he's vampire, she's dumb, he's morose, with only the fact that they both are obsessed over each other and neither has a personality to unite them against this cruel world. At a surprise birthday party offered by the Cullens, Bella gets a paper cut, and even though she knows they are all blood-suckers, she seems completely oblivious to the fact a bit of human blood will make them go crazy. In order to save her, EDWARD CULLEN must leave her...forever. Cue the violins, for now Bella will have to live her mortal life apart from the most perfect man to ever walk the earth.

Without her EDWARD CULLEN to pine after, she enters into the deepest depression any teenage girl has ever entered in the history of teenager angst. She, however, discovers that whenever her adrenaline is pumping, EDWARD CULLEN appears like a mist, so of course Bella is going to put her life in constant danger. Even a shadow version of EDWARD CULLEN is better than no EDWARD CULLEN at all.

I'd call this a might bit obsessive, but I haven't been a female teenager in love, so there's that.

It's at this time that she deepens her relationship with one Jacob. Black. Ooooh, (Taylor Lautner) a Native American she befriended in Twilight (I digress to ask if I should call it The Twilight Saga: Twilight). All we know is that he is here for her (as all men should be), but alas, there is a catch. Jacob. Black. Ooooh has a secret of his own: he is a werewolf, and not only that, but werewolves are the mortal enemies of vampires. Now, to protect her from himself, Jacob. Black. Ooooh asks Bella to stay away from HIM.

It's at this point that I actually felt a little sorry for her. She gets dumped TWICE by two hot guys, both times for her own good. It really is a case of "It's Not You, It's Me", which should thrill every girl who has read the series (excuse me, SAGA) and imagines such scenarios for herself. In any case, for plot reasons EDWARD CULLEN has decided to make his vampire status known to the world, which will unleash the wrath of the Vulturi, the Lords of the Vampire Universe. They will have no choice but to kill EDWARD CULLEN, thus freeing him from the torture of being undead without the Greatest Love of All Time, Bella Swoon...I mean Swann. Of course, Bella (and the plot) won't let THAT happen. After a dramatic rescue (and a chance to see EDWARD CULLEN shirtless) they go back to Forks, where Jacob. Black. Ooooh and EDWARD CULLEN have one last dramatic confrontation over Bella Swoon (I mean Swann). And thus, with EDWARD CULLEN proposing marriage, we end Part II.

To say that New Moon (excuse me, The Twilight Saga: New Moon) is an improvement over Twilight (or is it The Twilight Saga: Twilight) is a bit like saying cyanide Kool-Aid tastes better than strychnine Kool-Aid. I personally think Billy Burke and Michael Sheen hung out together, even though they share no scenes. Why? It's due to them apparently switching acting styles. While Burke's Chief Swann is a wild improvement over his last turn, Sheen decided it was time to let it all "ham" out. Sheen definitely put the "vamp" in vampire. I no longer object to his lack of nominations for The Queen or Frost/Nixon after this laughable performance. We also have former Oscar nominee Graham Greene, who's gone from Dances With Wolves to Dances With Werewolves. Thank goodness we didn't have to see HIM shirtless.

As for the leads, there hasn't been any improvement, and in fact I think they've gotten worse. Kristen Stewart STILL has no range beyond morose, Robert Pattinson has no range, period. Taylor Lautner's Jacob. Black. Oooh has no range as well, but a well-built physique that we got treated to over and over again. In fact, there were so many shirtless men one would think we'd wandered into a gay bar.

For example, when we see Jacob. Black. Oooh shirtless for the first time, it's in the rain, as if to accentuate his body of lust. Can you say "gratuitous"? I kept wondering why all the natives had to be shirtless, especially when I remember with amusement how in Twilight (or is it The Twilight Saga: Twilight) Jacob. Black. Ooooh was all bundled up to keep out the cold. Perhaps all that fur on the inside keeps them warm... In fact, Jacob. Black. Ooooh was shirtless for almost the entire movie. Someone call the police...I smell statutory rape.

It's all for show. It was sordid, stupid, and beyond insulting. The dialogue is so laughable...and I can vouch for this since the audience was laughing. Such lines as "The greatest gift you can give me is just to breathe" said by EDWARD CULLEN might be the fantasy of every girl with the I.Q. of 1, but it's not realistic. Neither is Jacob. Black. Ooooh telling Bella that she likes him "because you think I'm beautiful". What man (gay or straight) says such nonsense OUT LOUD? The most unintentionally hilarious line was at the dramatic confrontation between Jacob. Black. Ooooh and EDWARD CULLEN. "Just stay the hell out of my head" has so many connotations one can't help but laugh.

On a more serious note, I was disturbed by a scene in the film. The Native men brought Bella to their home, where we see one of their girlfriends. Without giving too much away, we see that the effects of when she got too close to him when he got angry. The message I got was extremely disturbing: Girls, it's OK if a man hurts you physically, because it's his nature. Therefore, let him do whatever he wants to you, so long as he loves you.

I know the Twilight Twits will disagree wildly with me, but if my love left me scarred, I would not stay. Period. Nor would I justify it by saying "he's a werewolf". That just says to me, the animal inside a man can do what he likes to a woman, and she should not defend herself but rather "understand her man" (ie. take it). This is the wrong message, and the fact that too many girls accept it is not a sign of The End of Western Civilization but instead a sign of Talibanization.
Ultimately, New Moon (excuse me, The Twilight Saga: New Moon) is a chance to make men sex objects and dwell in the immature fantasies of immature women (physically and mentally). There is no story, no acting, no point. Someone, bring a stake and some silver bullets. Team Jacob or Team Edward? One thing's sure--no one on either team will ever be on the Academic Team.

Here are more views on the Twilight Series...Excuse Me, SAGA.


  1. One hundred percent agree with you. I never thought about the scene with the girlfriend and the scar on her face. The only entertaining thing in this was the lines and scenes in the movie...especially that random scene towards the end where they showed Bella and Edward in the forest...we all groaned like "Oh brother"-Chick flick it sucked...just like vampires.

  2. Ok, so I finally got around to reading this and well I didn't expect anything less of your review. I know you don't like the series so I expected for you to tear it apart. I thought that New Moon was ten times better than Twilight especially visually. And I'm not going to try and argue with you about why I enjoyed this movie because I don't think we could ever come to an agreement about it. The thing I will agree with you on is Kristen Stewart, I can't stand her and we will be stuck with her for another movie. Two, if they ever get around to Breaking Dawn. Guys, will never really see anything good about these movies because, well you're just not the target audience.

  3. I completely agree with you. Though I definitely intend to see the next two movies in the saga, I'm almost ashamed to say that it is only for Taylor Lautner's body and pure curiosty. Seeing him in these "films" is a definie step up from seeing him as sharkboy, though his acting skills have not improved by much since then. Robert Pattison is not only a horrible actor, but I personally do not find the grungy douchebag turned pasty vampire look appealing in the slightest. Kristen Stewart blinks incessantly and looks as though she gets high for every scene. Monotone conversation bores me and there happens to be a lot of that coming from the two characters we're supposed to swoon over. I will admit that seeing Dakota Fanning's true colors was thoroughly entertaining...but I'm more interested in seeing how much Eclipse is going to fail as a film...lest we forget the interesting birth of Renesmee in Breaking Dawn...and what will be the last straw for me, as it was while reading the novels, will be to see Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner) basically fall in love with an infant vampire human.
    Dear Twilight Saga,
    You suck.


Views are always welcome, but I would ask that no vulgarity be used. Any posts that contain foul language or are bigoted in any way will not be posted.
Thank you.