Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Oscar Gives Us An April Fools

I'm as talented as Cary Grant,
more talented than Fred Astaire,


On this First Day of April, I could not resist indulging in what I imagine would be an April Fool's joke, but to quote Morrissey, "that joke isn't funny anymore."

The above is one Jonah Hill Feldstein, better known as just plain Jonah Hill.  He is a two-time Oscar nominee as a Supporting Actor for Moneyball and The Wolf of Wall Street.  Hill's TWO Oscar nominations reminds me of a line from The Importance of Being Earnest.  To rephrase, "For Hill to have one nomination may be regarded as misfortune, but for him to have two nominations looks like carelessness".  

I think a little context is in order.  Hill has in a very brief time been recognized for his work in films. The Academy thinks that Hill is a great actor.  That is a subject of debate, but for now, I'd like to draw your attention to a curious little factoid.

At the moment, Hill's two Oscar nominations equals the total number of nominations of certain people.  In a perverse sense, does this mean that Jonah Hill is AS talented as the following figures of film?

(not including non-acting nominations or honorary Oscars, * indicates actual wins)

I KNEW I shouldn't have turned down
The Sitter...

Christian Bale *
Lee J. Cobb
James Dean (yes, he did die after three films, but still...)
Robert Downey, Jr.
Ralph Fiennes
Henry Fonda *

Sure, he may have been suave and sophisticated,
but could he swallow a goldfish?
Cary Grant
Judy Garland
Leslie Howard
Grace Kelly *
Vivien Leigh *
Sophia Loren *
Brooding that he and Jonah
have something in common...
Edward Norton
Walter Pidgeon
Sidney Poitier *
Basil Rathbone
Frank Sinatra *
John Wayne *

Now, think that Hill is actually one UP on the following list of lovies, which begs the question, "Is Jonah Hill really MORE talented that any of the following?"

(not including non-acting nominations or honorary Oscars, * indicates actual wins)

Can't Sing.  Can't Act.  Dances a Little.
Sure is no Jonah Hill.

Jean Arthur
Fred Astaire
Lauren Bacall
Maurice Chevalier
Sean Connery *

Obviously, this woman has absolutely
NO talent whatsoever.
Tony Curtis
Doris Day
Marlene Dietrich
Harrison Ford
Lillian Gish

Judah, Jonah...I can see how they got confused.
Laurence Harvey
Charlton Heston *
Hugh Jackman
Samuel L. Jackson
Gene Kelly
He WISHES he were
as Cool as Jonah...
Carole Lombard
Ian McKellen
Steve McQueen
Robert Mitchum
Bill Murray
Who told THIS guy he could act?!
Liam Neeson
David Niven *
Gary Oldman
Anthony Perkins
Robert Redford
This broad never hung w/Leo or Brad,
so she's a nobody...
Ginger Rogers *
Robert Ryan
Richard Widmark

Now we come to a sad, sad catalogue.  This should give all of us pause. 

The following people, in the eyes of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences, truly, in their heart of hearts, believe they were never worthy of a single Academy Award nomination in ANY category (but believe Jonah Hill is worthy of TWO).  Therefore, Jonah Hill has been more honored, and is considered MORE TALENTED, than every person below.

(* indicates Honorary Oscar)
The Great Profile?
How about The Great Loser!

John Barrymore
Cyd Charisse
Joseph Cotten
W. C. Fields
Glenn Ford
Swashbuckle THIS!
Errol Flynn
Betty Grable
Jean Harlow
Rita Hayworth
Bob Hope *
Just found out people think the guy from
The Watch is funnier...
Betty Hutton
Boris Karloff
Ruby Keeler
Buster Keaton *
Alan Ladd
DYING to make a
Thin Man joke...
Harold Lloyd *
Peter Lorre
Myrna Loy *
Bela Lugosi
The Marx Brothers *(Groucho won an Honorary Oscar)
Obi-Wan Ke-Nobody
Roddy McDowell
Ewan McGregor
Fred McMurray
Joel McRae
Ann Miller
I Wanna Be Loved By You...
But the Academy Don't Love You Back
Marilyn Monroe
Donald O'Connor
Maureen O'Hara
Vincent Price
Ronald Reagan
The Academy to Hans Gruber:

Alan Rickman
Edward G. Robinson *
Roy Rogers
Jane Russell
Donald Sutherland
Mae West

How to explain this Rogue's Row of Legends who have the same or less Oscar nominations than Jonah Hill?

A.) Jonah Hill is in truth, more talented than every person on this list.
B.) Jonah Hill must be great in bed because he slept his way to two Oscar nominations.
C.) The Academy is just bonkers.
D.) All of the Above.

Well, there it is, this Special Edition of Tuesdays With Oscar, chronicling the nominations (or lack thereof) of people the Academy thinks are less than or equally talented as Jonah Hill.

I know it all reads like an April Fool's joke, but sadly, it isn't. 

Next time, The 1930 Oscars.

Fifty years from now,
no one will remember these two,

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