Life With Lucy: The Complete Series

LIFE WITH LUCY: 

THE COMPLETE SERIES

It is said that the unexamined life is not worth living. I have now examined Life with Lucy, and it is definitely a life not worth watching. Misguided, almost doomed from the beginning, Life with Lucy veered far from its intended course. Yet did it have to be this way? 

First, a quick summary of the show's premise. Recent widow and health food nut Lucy Barker (Lucille Ball) has decided to move in with her daughter Margo's (Ann Dusenberry) family. That would mean moving in with Margo, her husband Ted (Larry Anderson) and their children Becky (Jenny Lewis) and Kevin (Philip J. Amelio, II). She is also the co-owner of a hardware store, along with Ted's father Curtis (Gale Gordon). Along with their employee Leonard (Donovan Scott), Lucy inevitably gets into one set of hijinks after another. 

Now, a ranking of the Life with Lucy episodes from Best to Worst, including the five unaired episodes finally released on DVD (marked with an asterisk).

Mother of the Bride: 8

World's Greatest Grandma: 7 *

Breaking Up is Hard to Do: 6 *

Lucy Makes Curtis Byte the Dust: 5

Lucy Makes a Hit with John Ritter: 4

One Good Grandparent Deserves Another: 4

Lucy, Legal Beagle: 3

Lucy is a Sax Symbol: 2

Love Among the Two-By-Fours: 2

Lucy's Green Thumb: 1 *

Lucy Gets Her Wires Crossed: 1

Lucy and Curtis Are Up a Tree: 0 *

Lucy and the Guard Goose: 0 *

Average Rating: 3

That two of the best and worst Life with Lucy episodes were unaired says something about the wildly fluctuating quality of the show.

As I think on the premise, I think Life with Lucy might have worked as a series of specials or a stage play. That way, we could get a series of comedy bits, put in some drama, and then get out. Instead, turning this into a weekly television series creates two problems. First is trying to come up with one premise after another for twenty-plus episodes. The second is trying to come up with one premise after another that the cast can participate in.

If we look at past Lucille Ball sitcoms, you will see that the cast for each was relatively small. I Love Lucy had four principle cast members, five if you count Keith Thibodeux (then billed as Richard Keith) as Little Ricky. The Lucy Show eventually whittled down to primarily two (Ball and Gale Gordon), after Vivian Vance opted to leave and the children of the Ball and Vance characters were written out. Here's Lucy had mostly four cast members (along with Ball and Gordon were Ball's real-life children Desi Arnaz, Jr. and Lucie Arnaz).

Life with Lucy had an astonishing seven characters. There were simply too many characters for such a small amount of time. With such a large group of people, it was all but impossible to fit everyone in. You could not cut out Ball or Gordon, so you were left with the family. I would have pushed vociferously to cut the character of Leonard out altogether. Yes, the hardware store needed employees, but there were issues with Leonard. He was the sole employee, or at least the sole employee ever seen working at the store. It made no sense to have one employee. He could never fit into the family dynamic. A couple of times Life with Lucy shoehorned him into family matters, but it ended up making less sense.

Moreover, Leonard was just annoying. The pratfalls, the exaggerated announcer voice and overall useless of the character took away from everything and everyone.

Not that the rest of the cast was any better, at least acting-wise. While Lewis as Becky had some good moments and was probably the best of the cast (the Becky-centric episode Lucy is a Sax Symbol being a standout for Lewis), the rest were in one word, horrendous. Once can cut Lewis and Amelio some slack given they were kids. 

Some slack. 

Dusenberry and Anderson, however, get no such reprieve. 

There is just no getting around it: both were simply awful as Margo and Ted. Their acting rarely if ever rose above community theater level. At times, there was almost a sense of desperation to their performances, as if both knew Life with Lucy was terrible and they wanted out. To be fair, Dusenberry had one good moment, a dramatic scene in Love Among the Two-By-Fours that worked well. Other moments, like Lucy, Legal Beagle and the pilot episode One Good Grandparent Deserves Another were simply ghastly. 

Anderson was just there.

As I think on the large cast, I'm reminded of how the early years of The Facts of Life also had an unwieldly large cast, forcing the producers to whittle the cast down to five. That could be done there, but on Life with Lucy? How to pare down a scenario like Life with Lucy? You going to kill off the family?

At least you could kill off Leonard. He was absent in one episode (Lucy and Curtis Are Up a Tree) and sometimes is in just one scene (Lucy is a Sax Symbol, Mother of the Bride). The show should either have been set at home or at work. Trying for both never worked. You might not have placed Lucy and Curtis in a retirement home (though that would be logical), but you could have opted to drop the hardware store. Why not make them employees of the hardware store, or have them volunteer at some senior center or other facility? That would provide an alternative setting that could cut out the family or the center when needed. 

No doubt the hardware store was created to allow for physical comedy. However, not only was the physical comedy obvious but also less funny and more frightening. In One Good Grandparent Deserves Another, there is a simply horrifying scene where, albeit accidentally, Lucy comes close to strangling Curtis. I was not laughing. I was fearing for his life.

That physical comedy leads to another issue with the show. One of Life with Lucy's greatest issues is how the show simply refused to adapt to the times. The writers, especially Ball's longtime writing team of Bob Carroll, Jr. and Madelyn Davies, were writing for a character that no longer existed. Many of the antics that Life with Lucy's Lucy Barker got into were for someone in her 30's to 40's. Lucille Ball, sad to say, was simply too old for what they had the character do.

I want to make clear that Lucille Ball was still quite agile and could handle the dialogue and physical comedy quite well. I do not want to come across as ageist in my ideas about Ball. However, a lot of physical comedy on Life with Lucy came across as more dangerous than endearing. One scene in Lucy Gets Her Wires Crossed involves her failed efforts to fix a reclining chair. Inevitably, the results are disastrous, with the chair thrashing about and flinging the occupant hither and yon. With a younger person, say someone in his/her 40s, that might be funny. When a 77-year-old does it, it looks deadly. 

It is hard to laugh at physical comedy when you fear for the comedian/comedienne's life. 

Curiously, the age issue pops up again in an unexpected way. Near the end of the series, Lucy either forgets something (like the formula for a health drink that ends up being a temporarily successful fertilizer) or makes a ghastly mistake (such as ordering too many lawnmowers due to her inability to use a computer). Both unintentionally reinforce the stereotype of seniors as having poor memory or being inept with technology. 

It was safe, and easy, and ultimately cheap, to make Lucy into this senior klutz. Intended as wacky, her Lucy Barker came across as combination senile and nut job. Naivete and cluelessness are fine, even amusing and endearing. When it comes from someone who is in her seventies, her total unawareness of how organizing a store in alphabetical order makes her look either insane or thoroughly stupid. 

As a side note, the "Lucy is obsessed with health" bit was pointless. It was a way to get some awful reactions from horrified family forced to drink her latest grotesque concoction. Apart from that, it added nothing to the show or the character. 

Life with Lucy did not have to crash and burn. Some major work could have saved it from being the fiasco it turned out to be. Not film it in front of a studio audience (the wild cheers for her entrance just set Ball up for failure, giving her a false sense of success). Dump the hardware store. Dump Leonard. Ditch some of the family (make Margo a single girl or even Lucy's granddaughter). Set up a foil or partner in crime in the Vivian Vance style. 

Lucy, Legal Beagle had a great character in Dena Dietrich's Hilda Loomis. She was a sharp antagonist to Lucy Barker to where it might have been nice to see her face off against Lucy. Maybe an antagonistic neighbor or senior citizens center rival? Audrey Meadows' guest spot in Mother of the Bride allowed for an equally strong antagonist. I know there was talk of asking her to join the cast in a second season. That would not have worked for two reasons.

First is that the heavy cast would increase more. Inevitably the family would have to go by the wayside, a tough act with the family premise set up already. Second, in an interview to promote the show, Ball was asked about having a female foil, with the late Vance's name brought up. With tears coming close to falling, Ball replied she could not consider having a female partner in crime without Vance. It is a touching and sad admission. 

Maybe at that point, Ball should have realized there should be no Life with Lucy. 

It is a terrible shame for Ball to have Life with Lucy on her résumé. It won't eclipse her great and groundbreaking work on I Love Lucy. It will be an embarrassment to be sure. However, time softens all things. In due course, Life with Lucy will be hopefully seen as a curious blip, a strange interlude to an extraordinary legacy.

So long as you do not watch Lucy and the Guard Goose.

Well, at least the Life with Lucy theme song was good.

Life with Lucy: World's Greatest Grandma

LIFE WITH LUCY: 

WORLD'S GREATEST GRANDMA

Written by: Bob Carroll, Jr. and Madelyn Davis (Story by Mel Sherer and Steve Granat)

Directed by: Bruce Bilson

Airdate: Unaired

Life with Lucy stumbles into its thirteenth and final episode with World's Greatest Grandma. With a surprisingly moving ending, World's Greatest Grandma ends this debacle if maybe not on a high note, but a respectable one.

Kevin McGibbon (Philip J. Amelio, II) has just received a trophy for soccer. Now every member of the McGibbon-Barker family has at least one trophy for achievement. Everyone, that is, except Lucy Barker (Lucille Ball). This upsets her greatly, but there is hope that she will finally catch up. Lucy's granddaughter, Becky (Jenny Lewis), informs her that there is a Grandparents Talent Show at her school. 

There is an issue, however.  Lucy has no talent for anything. Her son-in-law Ted (Larry Anderson) tries to show her some magic tricks. As Grandma the Great, Lucy ends up destroying Ted's father's Curtis' (Gale Gordon) watch. Now really depressed, she quits the talent show until Curtis reminds her of Rex Harrison's turn in My Fair Lady. Instead of singing a song, why not recite it as Harrison did?

With that, Lucy decides to perform Sunrise, Sunset from Fiddler on the Roof. Though she ultimately does not win the Grandparents Talent Show, Kevin and Becky give her a trophy anyway, for World's Greatest Grandma.

Whatever the flaws in World's Greatest Grandma, and there are quite a few, they are all made up by Ball's performance. Her recitation of Sunrise, Sunset is deeply moving and effective, as if she is summoning up her own life. The song itself is quite beautiful, so she does have the benefit of that. However, while she does not sing the lyrics, her reading is so well-handled. 

I think what makes this section work is how simple it was, just a spotlight, a light piano accompaniment, and Ball reciting this ode to the passing of time. She holds your attention, and one almost does long for her to have gone on tour reciting poetry. 

This sequence is especially strong given the act that she had to follow. The preceding performance was "Patty Gilbert and Her Dixie Belles", a senior citizen Dixieland band performing When the Saints Come Marching In. One does feel that the Dixie Belles were filler for the episode, but the transition from the jaunty When the Saints Come Marching In and then to Sunrise, Sunset is quite smooth.

As a side note, we learn from Curtis that the winner was a 90-year-old grandmother performing Da Ya Think I'm Sexy on the bagpipes. It's odd that the Grandparents Talent Contest starts with an old woman finishing her performance on the bagpipes, but we never did hear that tartan tribute to Sir Rod Stewart.  One can only wonder why we never got even a taste of this number, which would have been funnier and more entertaining than most Life with Lucy episodes.

Sunrise, Sunset was the highpoint of World's Greatest Grandma. Everything else was not up to that part. The episode begins with Kevin, his parents Ted and Margo (Larry Anderson and Anne Dusenberry), Becky, and for some reason M&B's sole employee Leonard (Donovan Scott) coming home from Kevin's soccer match. World's Greatest Grandma explains that Lucy and Curtis were at the store and thus unable to go. 

That leads to the question, "why did Leonard go but not either Lucy and/or Curtis?". Was it Leonard's day off? Does he spend his free time with his employer's family? He has almost never been seen interacting with the McGibbon family save for Lucy is a Sax Symbol. Why exactly was he here at all? It did not help that Scott once again did some kind of announcer voice for Kevin to talk about his trophy. This is at least the second consecutive episode where he tries to pull off that schtick. It just never works.

I have never liked Leonard as a character. World's Greatest Grandma now made me actively despise him. 

To be fair, Ball's efforts at magic were amusing, even if you know that she will end up destroying poor Curtis' beloved watch. Oddly, another show on a rival network featuring a grandmother also tried to do a magic act and ended up doing the exact same thing that Lucy Barker did. The Golden Girls third season episode Letter to Gorbachev had Sophia Petrillo try to make a special watch disappear only to end up destroying it. Like with The Golden Girls' season three premiere episode Old Friends shared a similar plot (or subplot) to Lucy, Legal Beagle, we have another Golden Girls episode having a repeat of a situation from Life with Lucy.

By no means am I suggesting or implying that the Golden Girls writers were cribbing from a failed and pretty forgotten rival show. I am saying that it is a curious coincidence that two episodes of The Golden Girls third season had similar plots and situations from a show that went off the air the year before. 

World's Greatest Grandma is not a great Life with Lucy episode. However, it is frankly amazing that Ball's reciting of Sunrise, Sunset elevated it to being one of the better episodes. It seems like a nice sendoff to what ultimately became an embarrassment to Lucille Ball's legacy.

7/10

Life with Lucy: The Complete Series

Life with Lucy: Breaking Up is Hard to Do

LIFE WITH LUCY: 

BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO

Written by: Richard Albrecht and Casey Keller (Story by Laura Levine)

Directed by: Peter Baldwin

Airdate: Unaired

Breaking Up is Hard to Do, the penultimate Life with Lucy episode and the fourth of five unaired episodes, is surprisingly good. It did what past Life with Lucy episodes failed to do, which was to have a plot. Despite a bad start, Breaking Up is Hard to Do managed to right itself to make an entertaining half hour. Pity Life with Lucy as a whole failed to do likewise. 

Lucy Barker (Lucille Ball) and M&B Hardware Store sole employee Leonard (Donovan Scott) dance a tango, blissfully unaware that they or at least Lucy should have picked up her business partner and his boss Curtis McGibbon (Gale Gordon) from the airport. Curtis is understandably enraged at having been left waiting and forced to hire a cab to take him to the store. 

As a couple of side notes, why did Curtis turn to Lucy to pick him up? Why did he leave a message about his return flight at the store rather than at home? Why did he go from the airport to the store rather than home? 

This incident, for both Lucy and Curtis, is the last straw. Lucy has an offer that Curtis cannot refuse. She will buy his half-share of the store. Curtis, having been inspired by tales of a former colleague he heard at the hardware convention that he just came back from, tentatively agrees to finally retire. Now Lucy can run the hardware store as she likes, while Curtis begins to literally go to the birds (he starts birdwatching and building birdhouses).

It is clear to everyone that this arrangement is not working. Curtis is slowly becoming miserable and directionless, unaware that he has built too many birdhouses. Lucy, for her part, seems to start out well with her "Circus of Bargains", a massive sale that appears to look financially lucrative. It isn't until she sees the intake versus expenses that she realizes she went overbudget on promotion, veering close to bankruptcy.

In desperation, Lucy decides to find a new partner. In desperation, Curtis decides to get back into business. With them finding that they are at their best when the other is at their worst, Lucy and Curtis get back to work.

If you read through my Breaking Up is Hard to Do synopsis, you may have noticed something curious. Apart from Leonard, I did not once mention any other characters save for Lucy and Curtis. Yes, the other characters were in Breaking Up is Hard to Do, but they played such an insignificant role in the episode that they were not worth mentioning. True, there was a scene between Margo (Ann Dusenberry) and Ted (Larry Anderson) discussing the situation. However, it is so irrelevant and forgettable that they might just as well been cut from the episode.

That is one of the primary reasons Breaking Up is Hard to Do works. It is a Lucy & Curtis centered episode. As such, we get to see Ball and Gordon work mostly together, and despite Scott's Leonard, they carry the story quite well.

Ball and Gordon can handle the surprisingly amusing and funny bits well. Ball's Circus of Bargains one-man band is a nice comic bit, and a probable reminder of her Broadway turn in Wildcat. Gordon's almost apologetic manner when sad in his depression is also amusing. Of particular note is when Curtis tells Lucy about Merrill Ferguson, the man who did not make it to that year's hardware convention.

Merrill is not dead. He retired and hired an all-female sailing crew. Gordon brings a slight twinkle to his eye when regaling this story, while Ball's shock counters it effectively. "He may give new meaning to the term, "yo-ho-ho", Curtis says. For a family sitcom, this is quite risqué. 

However, in the last scene when Ball "interviews" Curtis for the position of business partner, there is a genuine affection, even tenderness to things. It is a surprisingly moving moment, full of warmth and heart. We still get funny bits. When Lucy asks Curtis if he is over twenty-one, he replies, "I was BORN over twenty-one". To be fair, I was unsure if he meant in age or in the year.

It is a pity that such a moment had to be undercut by a gag about mousetraps. 

Breaking Up is Hard to Do does have one negative element, a powerful one that bookends the episode. That negative element is Donovan Scott's Leonard. His character in this episode cannot be avoided. The tango he bursts into while dusting is not funny. Neither is his flustered manner when Curtis comes into the store, clearly (and understandably) angry at having spent $16.20 for a cab. While that might have been forgiven, what can't is how he ends his turn in Breaking Up is Hard to Do.

For reasons unknown and probably too dumb to believe, Leonard brings in the applicants for business partner in a faux game show way. Making each applicant sound like someone introducing a contestant on The Dating Game is cringe. Scott's delivery was forced and worse, unfunny.

Had Life with Lucy managed to get a second season, I would have strongly urged them to either dump Leonard altogether or minimize his role. Surely M&B Hardware could use another employee? Apart from Scott and a clumsy opening, Breaking Up is Hard to Do is a good Life with Lucy episode. With one final episode left, will we get a Circus of Bargains or a Cirque de Mort? 

6/10

Next (Unaired) Episode: World's Greatest Grandma

Life with Lucy: Lucy's Green Thumb

LIFE WITH LUCY: 

LUCY'S GREEN THUMB

Written by: Mark Tuttle

Directed by: Marc Daniels

Airdate: Unaired 

After the twin horrors of Lucy and the Guard Goose and Lucy and Curtis Are Up a Tree, one would think that anything afterwards would be better. Lucy's Green Thumb the eleventh of thirteen Life with Lucy episodes and the third unaired one, was better to be sure, but it is still pretty abysmal. 

Lucy Barker (Lucille Ball) has come up with yet another health concoction that makes everyone gag. Separately, the rest of the family dumps the green juice into Melvin, the potted plant that has not grown. To everyone's surprise, Melvin grows quickly in the span of a few hours. Lucy's business partner/in-law Curtis (Gale Gordon) sees Lucy's awful drink as a new fertilizer that will make them rich.

Pity that Lucy cannot quite remember exactly what she put in the mix.

Curtis spends much time berating and raging at her. His son Ted (Larry Anderson) comes up with a method to jog her memory. He has Lucy reenact her steps until she finds that the secret ingredient is turnip. Now they are all ready to debut the newly christened "Gigantagrow". Curtis gleefully called a press conference to announce the miracle plant food and the whole family is there to bask in their soon-to-be fortune. Right as Lucy explains what happened to Melvin, he starts wilting in front of everyone. While the McGibbon-Barker family may end up not being rich, they at least have each other.

Lucy's Green Thumb is pretty much a disaster. It starts out badly, with wild applause for when Ball shows up. I can understand the reaction to her entrance. Here she is, a literal living legend, coming into view. However, it is distracting because one focuses so much on "the legend" that the current situation is lost. The episode should be around Lucy Barker, not Lucille Ball.

Things do not improve when Ball breaks out into her exaggerated crying when she is overwhelmed by her failure to remember all the ingredients in her green drink of death. It evokes too much of Lucy Ricardo, Lucy Carmichael and Lucy Carter. It was like seeing someone long past their prime trot out a guaranteed hit only to find it rote rather than amusing. 

Yes, it is unfortunate that age is an issue with Lucy's Green Thumb. Suggesting that a senior citizen cannot remember things makes the situation look unintentionally bad and ageist. I am sure that Bob Carroll, Jr. and Madelyn Davies did not intend to do this. However, Carroll, Jr. and Davies were 68 and 65 years old respectively when they wrote Lucy's Green Thumb. It is a sign that they were writing material for someone well over forty years younger. How could they have thought a major plot point being a then-75-year-old unable to remember would be funny and not creepy? In her exhaustion, Lucy says, "Yesterday? When was yesterday?". Given her advanced age, it just comes across as sad. 

Lucy's Green Thumb is beset by other problems both in logic and execution. Curtis really should have confirmed the press conference with Lucy instead of just scheduling it, a strange lapse of judgment from someone who has been seen as sane versus zany. Her inability to remember the formula should have forced him to cancel or postpone the conference. It had to go on because the plot required it to.

Moreover, Donovan Scott's Leonard continues to be a drag on the show. I think Scott really did try his best, but he was awful. When Lucy tells him that she does not remember the formula, Leonard becomes uncharacteristically enraged. "LUCILLE?! HOW COULD YOU DO SOMETHING SO STUPID?!?!" he screams out while shaking her hysterically. Leaving aside the elder abuse played up for laughs, this whole section ends up being shocking. Granted, it was planned and rehearsed, but Ball's expression makes it all the more horrifying. Leonard tries to say that his reaction took the place of Curtis', but it does not work.

Leonard has always been pretty nice and subservient to "Mrs. B.". Seeing him go insane, especially given that he probably would not benefit financially or in any way from "Gigantagrow" makes his meltdown more horrifying. Had Curtis done that, it would have worked given his past behavior. For Leonard to basically go bonkers makes it almost murderous.

About the one good thing in Lucy's Green Thumb is of all things the editing. The transition from a small to large Melvin is quite smooth and effective.  Apart from that, though, Lucy's Green Thumb is another poor Life with Lucy episode. As she struggles to remember the formula, Lucy breaks out into howls of sorrow. "I'm just a big flop!", she cries. 

Famous last words...   

1/10

Next (Unaired) Episode: Breaking Up is Hard to Do

Life with Lucy: Lucy and Curtis Are Up a Tree

LIFE WITH LUCY: 

LUCY AND CURTIS ARE UP A TREE

Written by: Bob Carroll, Jr. and Madelyn Davis

Directed by: Marc Daniels

Airdate: Unaired

I cannot remember where, but I read or heard somewhere that a Lucy episode be it I Love Lucy, The Lucy Show, Here's Lucy and/or Life with Lucy started with a simple premise and built from there. Lucy and Curtis Are Up a Tree, the tenth and second unaired Life with Lucy episode, takes that idea to a whole new level by literally telling you about the entire plot in the title. Lucy and Curtis Are Up a Tree is also bad, just bad, and would have been another reason to dump this misguided debacle.

Margo McGibbon (Ann Dusenberry) is very concerned that her mother Lucy Barker (Lucille Ball) and father-in-law Curtis (Gale Gordon) are spoiling the kids. Margo's husband Ted (Larry Anderson) is more blase about things, and their disagreement turns into a fight. Lucy overhears the fight and is alarmed. 

She goes to Curtis, who is busy building their grandson Kevin (Philip J. Amelio, II) a treehouse. Realizing that they have indeed been spoiling the children, they agree the best solution is to move out. Which one should move out, though, is a source of contention. Kevin overhears their conversation via the walkie-talkie Curtis got him. Managing Herculean strength, Kevin moves the latter away from the treehouse to force them to negotiate. 

Lucy and Curtis agree to cut back on their gifts and that neither will leave, which brightens their day. That is a counter to the rainstorm that traps them there. They are all wet but there's hope. The rest of the family has returned, rescued them, agreed to not seeing them go and everyone starts "singing in the rain".

One might imagine that I would like Lucy and Curtis Are Up a Tree more because this is the first Life with Lucy episode in which Donovan Scott's Leonard does not appear. Lucy and Curtis Are Up a Tree is also the first Life with Lucy episode which does not have a single scene at the hardware store. To be honest, those are positives: Scott's Leonard is both a bad and unnecessary character. However, Lucy and Curtis Are Up a Tree is bad because it is more than unfunny. It is boring and illogical.

I cannot remember if Margo and Ted ever opted to talk to their parents about how they were spoiling the children. I think there was mention that they had or tried to. By not doing so, Margo and Ted essentially infantilized their parents, refusing to see them as adults. 

That these adults opted to fight with each other rather than approach or be firm with their own parents is probably the most logical thing in the episode. Ball has an irrelevant sequence where she tells Kevin a bedtime story. To be fair, hearing her version of The Frog Prince is a showcase for her still-agile skills. However, it is totally unnecessary to the story and is there as time filler. It shows how thin Lucy and Curtis Are Up a Tree is.

Kevin is about five to seven in the series. How exactly would he be physically capable of moving a large, heavy ladder by himself? I doubt he would be able to even shift it, let alone pull it away. Why did no one notice or care that Lucy and Curtis were missing? From what I remember, Ted and Margo take the kids out to dinner to celebrate making up. I guess they opted not to ask Lucy and Curtis to join them, or even ask, "Has anyone seen Grandma or Groovy Grandpa"(Groovy Grandpa being Curtis' walkie talkie handle)? 

More bizarre is how Lucy and Curtis Are Up a Tree is shot. In the opening scene, the editing made it look like Dusenberry was not in the same room with Ball. It gave the impression that she had to reshoot the scene and was inserted into it later. The editing is so jarring that one got the idea that the original scene was so bad acting-wise they had to hurriedly try for reshoots without Ball's presence. Given how bad Dusenberry was, one can imagine how awful the original scene was. 

Perhaps the saddest part of Lucy and Curtis Are Up a Tree is when Ball breaks out into crying. The audience loved it, probably for the same reason I hated it: it brought back memories of Lucy Ricardo. 

Lucy and Curtis Are Up a Tree is more Lucy and Curtis Find Their Time is Up.  How bad is the episode? Even the absence of Leonard can't make it good.

0/10

Next (Unaired) Episode: Lucy's Green Thumb

Life with Lucy: Lucy and the Guard Goose

LIFE WITH LUCY: 

LUCY AND THE GUARD GOOSE

Written by: Bob Carroll, Jr. and Madelyn Davis

Directed by: Peter Baldwin

Airdate: Unaired

Joan Crawford's estranged daughter Christina once remarked that she did not know if Trog was Joan's last film. She added that if wasn't, it should have been. Mother of the Bride was the final Life with Lucy episode broadcast, and as such it ended Lucille Ball's disastrous fourth television series on a high note. Had it ended with Lucy and the Guard Goose, one of the five "lost" episodes, it would have sunk Ball's reputation to where it would never have recovered. While none of the Life with Lucy episodes had been good save for Mother of the Bride, Lucy and the Guard Goose was just beyond awful, a total fiasco from opening to closing that is simply cringe inducing. 

The M&B Hardware Store has been robbed. Co-owner Curtis McGibbon (Gale Gordon) does not want to spend money on a security system. Co-owner Lucy Barker (Lucille Ball), who inadvertently caused the situation by leaving the key in a visible key stone, first suggests a guard dog and then a guard goose. Somehow, Curtis goes along with this, only to end up being held hostage by Oliver the Guard Goose. Lucy's efforts to rescue Curtis ends up with her also being held prisoner by the honking horror until in frustration, Curtis throws something at Oliver.

Worried that he killed him, they take Oliver home, where they find to their relief that Oliver is not dead. He, however, is still terrorizing the McGibbon family. Even police officer Sergeant Green (Charles Levin) is no match for Oliver the Goose. Ultimately, Lucy outwits the goose by imitating a goose herself, drawing him out of the house.

Lucy and the Guard Goose is such an embarrassment from the word "go" that one watches more in sadness than horror. The entire idea of a "guard goose" might have sounded funny, but one asks, "Why a guard goose"? Lucy tries to rationalize it by saying that geese are naturally aggressive, but it still sound stupid. Curtis may have been wildly cheap, but even he might have considered that a burglar alarm would have been a better investment than a literal guard goose. He could have hired a security guard or invested in better locks, but a guard goose?

As a side note, I figure the hardware store should have been insured for robbery, so the theft of power tools would not have been the disaster the episode portrayed. 

Perhaps it is not unexpected that we do not see Oliver being bonkers in Lucy and the Guard Goose. We have maybe one shot of him when he strolls into M&B Hardware, but for the rest of the episode all we hear is his honking. While I do not think it would have been fun to see any animal harmed, I empathize with Curtis' frustration and anger at being held prisoner by a rampaging bird. To be fair, why did he ask Lucy to help him? He's pretty much has had contempt for Lucy, with reason, but why trust the person who caused the problems to help solve them?

Lucy and the Guard Goose is not helped by the performances. Of particular note is Ann Dusenberry as Margo Barker McGibbon. For reasons unknown, her running gag is retelling her oddball dreams. The episode starts with her talking about a dream where she dances the tango with Tip O'Neill (the then-Speaker of the House). When she gathers with her family as they face the crisis of the out-of-control goose, she decides this is the perfect time to tell of her newest dream.

"I was having this great dream. Mick Jagger came over and wanted me to join his group, but I said, "Mick, you can't always get what you want". I did a literal eye roll at this line. I figure that she did her best with such an awful line, but her performance is particularly atrocious. It really was just awful. Awful. Awful. Awful. There was an almost unhinged manner to it, hurried and desperate. It is as if she knew all of this was truly horrendous and was desperate to get out of it. 

There was just nothing in Lucy and the Guard Goose. The performances were all bad, even Ball and Gordon, who so far have been the only good things in Life with Lucy. I think they too did their best, particularly an agile Ball who had the ability to move like a goose. That, however, oddly draws from a similar moment from I Love Lucy almost thirty years prior except they were baby chicks. 

Lucy and the Guard Goose is shockingly bad. The public was spared a stunningly bad Life with Lucy episode. Perhaps after seeing it, the network executives decided to cancel Life with Lucy rather than watch Lucille Ball be so humiliated by this dreck. 

0/10

Next (Unaired) Episode: Lucy and Curtis Are Up a Tree

Life with Lucy: Mother of the Bride

LIFE WITH LUCY: 

MOTHER OF THE BRIDE

Written by: Linda Morris and Vic Rauseo

Directed by: Bruce Bilson

Airdate: November 15, 1986

1986 was a generally horrendous year for Lucille Ball. Her hoped-for comeback series, Life with Lucy, bombed with critics and audiences. The series was an absolute fiasco, seriously damaging her reputation as the Queen of Comedy. The same year Life with Lucy was cancelled, her ex-husband Desi Arnaz died after battling lung cancer. To see the deaths of both her career and the great love of her life so close together were emotionally devastating for Ball. Only her Kennedy Center Honors that same year brought any sense of joy to the besieged comedienne. Mother of the Bride, the final Life with Lucy episode broadcast before its cancellation, was a glimpse into what the show could have been, for it is the best Life with Lucy episode.  

Lucy Barker (Ball) is still slightly miffed that her daughter Margo (Ann Dusenberry) and her husband Ted (Larry Anderson) eloped. Lucy always wanted to give her daughter a big wedding even if Margo did not want one. Nevertheless, prodded by their children Becky (Jenny Lewis) and Kevin (Philip J. Amelio, II), they decide to take advantage of their tenth wedding anniversary to renew their vows and have the wedding Lucy always wanted.

Into this comes Lucy's sister Audrey (special guest star Audrey Meadows). A successful cruise ship director, Audrey eagerly volunteers to help with the wedding plans. Her idea of "help", however, is to take over every aspect of the event, freezing out Lucy. Clearly upset, she shifts between fuming and crying; she does, however, have at least one card up her sleeve. Lucy has her own wedding gown which Margo once loved and which Lucy will offer to her as a surprise. Unfortunately, Audrey already took Margo shopping for a wedding dress. Margo's father-in-law Curtis (Gale Gordon) tries to get Lucy to speak up, but she's too devastated.

Eventually, Lucy and Audrey have a quiet fight involving the wedding cake frosting and refuse to speak to each other. Their frosty relationship however, ends the day of the renewal. Realizing that each was jealous of the other but still loving her only sister, they reconcile, and through a little help from Curtis, Margo wears her mother's wedding gown. 

Mother of the Bride is unique for a variety of reasons. This is the first episode where the guest star is billed in the opening scene, announcing "Special Guest Star Audrey Meadows". It is the first time that there was genuine conflict handled humorously. It is the first time that Life with Lucy showed a true heart, where one feels for Lucy versus being concerned for her physical safety.

It is technically not the first episode where Curtis is on Lucy's side (the preceding episode Lucy, Legal Beagle was), but here he was nowhere near as antagonistic as he had been before. In fact, he was quite sympathetic to her plight. As Lucy explodes over how Audrey has hijacked her moment, Curtis begins by noting Audrey's qualities to add that she is a big "buttinsky". This surprise Lucy, who sees that Curtis may dislike her but also dislikes people taking advantage of others. It reveals Curtis to be, granted, a cantankerous man, but also an upright one.

Having shared with Curtis her plan to present her wedding gown to Margo, we can see Lucy trying not to openly cry when Margo shows her mother the dress she and Audrey picked out. Curtis begins to softly say, "Lucille, Lucille" as a way to encourage her to speak up and speak out over Audrey's meddling. Lucy gets the hint but won't go along with it. Gordon here reveals Curtis' genuine sadness for his nemesis, fully aware of just how hurt and heartbroken she is.

I understand that Audrey Meadows was at the very least considered to join the Life with Lucy cast had the show been renewed. While ultimately turning down the offer, Meadows' character demonstrated that Lucy is best when working against a foil. Curtis, despite Gordon's talent, was a poor foil, for you know that it was more bluster than genuine dislike to hatred. Last episode's Hilda Loomis was a better antagonist, for she was not above going after the jugular. Meadows' Audrey was also not afraid to go toe to toe (or nose to nose) with Lucy. In both Lucy, Legal Beagle and Mother of the Bride, Lucy was the person you rooted for. Past Life with Lucy episodes really had little to no conflict. Worse, they made her look less endearingly daffy and more totally insane as well as a danger to herself and others.

Almost all the performances are top notch. Guest star Meadows was pitch perfect as Audrey. She made Audrey not someone who was deliberately cruel but at least initially trying to help. I do question how she could not, on some level, realize that she was pushing Lucy out of the way. However, Meadows never made her overtly mean. She and Ball worked quite well, particularly when they silently go at each other with the cakes. It was not as funny as I think the audience thought. It still was amusing.

Their final scene when they reconcile is simply beautiful, almost moving. One is touched to see the sisters come together. Lucy tells Audrey that she is thankful that she's her only sister, then adds out of Audrey's earshot, "Thank God". It is funny but also true.

Gordon here was both amusing and gentle as Curtis. The glance that he throws when Margo tells Lucy that Curtis had mentioned her old wedding dress is sweet. Ball gets nice quips about inviting Ronald and Nancy Reagan to the wedding. She doesn't do it expecting them to actually come, but in the hopes that they will send a nice gift. She also has an amusing moment with her Cousin Florence (Jacque Lynn Colton), a heavyset woman whom Lucy is obviously fond of.

Another unexpected positive to Mother of the Bride is how Leonard (Donovan Scott) does not appear until 19 minutes into the episode. Given that the episode runs about 22 minutes, that is another blessing. 

Mother of the Bride was the last the public saw of Life with Lucy until the series was released on DVD. Sweet, moving and actually funny, one can see that with some retooling prior to the show's premiere, we could have had the show that everyone was aiming for. Whether it is a good or bad thing that Life with Lucy ended on probably its best episode I do not know. I am just glad that at least one episode of Life with Lucy did not embarrass Lucille Ball.

8/10

Next (Unaired) Episode: Lucy and the Guard Goose

Life with Lucy: Lucy, Legal Beagle

LIFE WITH LUCY: 

LUCY, LEGAL BEAGLE

Written by: Richard Albrecht and Casey Keller

Directed by: Marc Daniels

Airdate: November 8, 1986

We are now on Episode 7 of the eight Life with Lucy episodes broadcast (with five others left unaired). Lucy, Legal Beagle (or Leagle Beagle or Legal Eagle, honestly, I've seen a variety of versions for the episode's title) gives us a little glimmer of what could have been, but which was not used by people who should have known better.

The McGibbon family is having a yard sale though it is taking place indoors. Lucy Barker (Lucille Ball) gets some sass from Hilda Loomis (Dena Dietrich), one of the customers, who leaves understandably angry when Lucy accidentally tears off her skirt. However, there has been an unfortunate accident in that Charlie, the beloved teddy bear of Kevin (Philip J. Amelio, II) has been mixed in with other items in the sale.

Kevin's grandparents Lucy and Curtis McGibbon (Gale Gordon) offer a $50 reward for Charlie's return. A self-proclaimed "sweet old lady" (Nora Boland) tries to hoodwink them by trying to pass off a rabbit for Charlie, but soon the real Charlie emerges. The bear is now with none other than Hilda, who demands $500 for his safe return. It's off to small claims court, where there is the expected disorder in the court until Lucy manages to win the case and bring Charlie home, even if her efforts are ultimately for naught.

Maybe it is just me, but I think Lucy, Legal Beagle makes no sense even for a sitcom. The legal point, which curiously law student Ted McGibbon (Larry Anderson) apparently can't figure out, is on whether or not Hilda bought the teddy bear. I am not even sure that she bought the bag that Lucy had put Charlie in for safekeeping when Kevin's BFF Max (Brandon Call) started teasing him for having a teddy bear at all. I watched Lucy, Legal Beagle twice to see the exact set of circumstances that we the audience were presented with.

Nowhere in Lucy, Legal Beagle was it ever clear that Hilda had bought the bag or even that she had taken it by accident when escaping Lucy's generally disastrous vacuum cleaner demonstration. Surely someone at their indoor yard sale would have remembered selling Hilda the bag in question. Moreover, it was obvious that Hilda did not buy the teddy bear in the bag. Again, she might have even bought the bag given that Lucy had deliberately put it away from other items. At the most, and I think I'm being wildly generous here, Charlie was sold accidentally and thus, not a legal sale. Therefore, Hilda had no right to Charlie and may have even stolen the bag that he was in (though to be fair, in the confusion of her quick exit she might have picked up the bag by mistake). 

Had screenwriters Richard Albrecht and Casey Keller shown us anyone selling Lucy's bag, we might have at least had a decent setup to the eventual showdown. However, studying Lucy, Legal Beagle like some people study the Zapruder film, I can say that it makes no sense that no one so much as remembers selling the bag in question or bothered to see why it looked so full. The extended section of "the sweet old lady" tearing the ears off a stuffed rabbit in a totally crazed effort to pass him off as a bear for $50 dollars was there to stretch the episode. It did make that old lady look like a complete psycho and ended up being almost frightening than hilarious.

Yes, I am aware that to give a lot of thought to the minutiae of legal points on a sitcom is odd. However, in my defense, you are asking us to accept a premise that eventually goes to trial, so I'm not totally bonkers on said minutiae. 

What made Lucy, Legal Beagle slightly better than past Life with Lucy episodes is that we had a bit of bite, particularly with Dietrich's Hilda. When Lucy asks her daughter Margo (Ann Dusenberry), "Remember the lady who had her 100th birthday last summer?", Hilda replies to Lucy, "Did you get a lot of presents?". She did not say this in a sweet or innocent manner, but in a sharp edged, sarcastic one. She was quite sassy with Lucy, and it made me wonder if Lucy would have done well to have a rival or foil to fight. It almost made me want Hilda to come back to cause Lucy more mischief.

Lucy, Legal Beagle did have a strong, sharp edge to it. When Hilda goes to the hardware store, Lucy accuses her of trying to take advantage of the situation as payback for Lucy accidentally ripping Hilda's skirt off. Hilda replies that she isn't even upset by that now. "Why just the other day I was saying not enough people are tearing off my clothes". Without missing a point, Gordon's Curtis retorts, "Who did you say it to: Mr. Loomis?". For once, Curtis is on Lucy's side, a nice change. 

Gordon and Dietrich were the best parts of Lucy, Legal Beagle. Gordon could do the sarcasm when he sees Hilda beating up on Lucy and Kevin. He could also do the slightly embarrassed, slightly flustered Curtis when he is unexpectedly called to testify. Lucy obviously never learned an important legal lesson: never put a witness on the stand without knowing what his/her answers are. Dietrich's mix of sarcasm and stumbling when forced to admit that she had not technically bought Charlie were also well-acted.

Ball did as well as the script let her, able to do a nice buildup to her bumbling legal act and playing keep away with Curtis. Everyone else though was pretty bad. Lucy, Legal Beagle was Kevin-focused, but Amelio was pretty bad in the episode. Dusenberry was too, playing up her brief moment when trying to explain to Hilda why the yard sale was indoors in an almost desperate manner to make it sound funny when it was not. Lewis was barely in the episode, though I think she was on screen longer than Anderson or Donovan Scott's Leonard, whose continued existence on the show has yet to be explained.

Lucy, Legal Beagle did not work save for Curtis and Dietrich. Other than that, Life with Lucy is fast coming up to closing its official run without having anything good to show for it. 

In perhaps the strangest set of coincidences that I have come across for the Life with Lucy retrospective, part of Lucy, Legal Beagle's plot is mirrored in the premiere episode of The Golden Girls' Season Three, Old Friends. In that episode's subplot, it's Rose's teddy bear Fernando who is being held hostage. More bizarre? Rose's late husband was named Charlie! Adding to the wildness of how things were in this odd Life with Lucy/Golden Girls connection is that the hostage holder, a Sunshine Cadet named Daisy, is played by Jenny Lewis, who played Lucille Ball's granddaughter Becky on Life with Lucy. Old Friends aired nearly a year after Lucy, Legal Beagle. Finally, Dena Dietrich would go on to guest star on The Golden Girls herself as the second Gloria, Dorothy Zbornak's sister. 

Strange coincidences indeed.  

3/10

Next Episode: Mother of the Bride

Life with Lucy: Lucy Makes Curtis Byte the Dust

LIFE WITH LUCY: 

LUCY MAKES CURTIS BYTE THE DUST

Written by: Arthur Marx and Robert Fisher

Directed by: Marc Daniels

Airdate: November 1, 1986

In retrospect, I cannot remember why I thought slightly well of Lucy Makes Curtis Byte the Dust, the sixth Life with Lucy episode to be shown. Maybe I've grown so immune to the overall awfulness of it all that I now feel generous. I think it may have to do with how Lucy Makes Curtis Byte the Dust almost completely excludes the other characters. Given how bad they have been overall, that ought to improve any Life with Lucy episode.

Lucille Barker (Lucille Ball) and her in-law/business partner Curtis McGibbon (Gale Gordon) area doing the tedious work of inventory. She is desperate to finish but naturally makes a right mess of it by accidentally turning on a powerful leaf blower, causing them and sole employee Leonard (Donovan Scott) to start all over again. 

After this disaster, Lucy hits on the idea of bringing in a computer to keep inventory and orders for them. This does mean dumping Stanley (Dave Madden), Curtis longtime supplier and friend. Progress, however, waits for no man. Progress, however, never dealt with Lucy Barker. 

Despite reading the instructions that clearly state to not place any magnets on the computer, Lucy keeps adding more and more of them, erasing their entire inventory. She somehow manages to get the inventory back, but inadvertently ordered 111 lawnmowers, not realizing she held the 1 key too long. At a whopping $4,192.67, Curtis is enraged at her continued incompetence. He's more enraged when, in trying to fix that mess, she ends up making another when she convinces the bank that that he is dead! In her total befuddlement, she had typed out "deceased" instead of "decreased". Eventually, all the elements sort themselves out. They even manage to get Stanley his job back, but beware. For reasons unknown, Lucy gets a robot named Rupert to help out at the store, potentially putting Leonard out of a job.

It's strange that Lucy Makes Curtis Byte the Dust did not aggravate me given that Leonard was more prominent in the episode than any of the McGibbon family: Ted, Margo, Becky and/or Kevin. The family pretty much disappeared altogether, which was a welcome event. I think Leonard's appearance did not bother me here because he was not there a lot. The absence of both the family and M&B's sole employee (for a relatively successful hardware store, there have never been any other employees there) made the episode more Lucy and Curtis focused. As such, we could see Ball and Gordon interact and work with each other more. They really should have been the focus of the series to start with.

To be fair though, given their ages, incompetence and resistance to the computer, it is a wonder why they did not give the job of handling the computer to Leonard. He would have been more familiar with computers than either of them, so the continuing chaos "Mrs. B." kept unleashing would probably not have occurred. We also get to see a nice moment with Madden's Stanley, bringing the reality of older people losing their jobs to technology to the show. While Madden's role was small, it did suggest that Gordon's Curtis had something of a life outside his work and family. 

I think those are the reasons why Lucy Makes Curtis Byte the Dust work better than past Life with Lucy episodes. That, however, does not mean that Lucy Makes Curtis Byte the Dust was any good. It makes Lucy look less daffy and more stubborn moron. Again, I think a major issue is age. As she keeps reading the instructions she was given, she almost psychotically keeps sticking magnets even as she reads clearly and openly to not do so. One asks first, why did she not read the instructions prior to starting her magnet mania? Second, why does she keep disobeying the instructions despite reading them? Maybe a younger person could have pulled it off as a sign of idiocy. With the 75-year-old doing it, it looks like a sign of senility.

Her accidental ordering of 111 lawnmowers and somehow bizarrely thinking "decreased" was "deceased" end up reenforcing stereotypes of seniors being incapable of handling technology. The episode closing with her using a robot is downright dumb.

As Lucy Makes Curtis Byte the Dust is more a two-man show, it does wonders with its smaller cast. Gordon's eternal irritation (which to be fair is justified) balances the comedy with the horror. When he in a mix of anger and despair yells at Lucy, "GIVE ME BACK MY INVENTORY!", it is an actual funny moment. When Leonard comes to "pay his respects" to the family, Gordon's irritation at hearing Leonard tell Lucy, "I'm going to miss that old goat" is perfect. 

Lucy Makes Curtis Byte the Dust is a better Life with Lucy episode than the ones that have been broadcast. It is a pity though that there would be only two episodes left before the show was cancelled. 

5/10

Next Episode: Lucy, Legal Beagle

Life with Lucy: Lucy is a Sax Symbol

LIFE WITH LUCY: 

LUCY IS A SAX SYMBOL

Written by: Arthur Marx and Robert Fisher

Directed by: Peter Baldwin

Airdate: October 25, 1986

Lucy is a Sax Symbol is a first for Life with Lucy. It is the first episode that has no sight gags, and which takes place completely outside of the hardware store. It is, to be fair, more character-oriented than previous episodes. It also maintains being a bad episode, though not without some redeeming qualities.

Lucy Carter (Lucille Ball) is cleaning out the basement when she comes across her old saxophone. Her grandchildren Becky (Jenny Lewis) and Kevin (Philip J. Amelio, II) show interest in her stories of musical memories. Lucy takes it upon herself to gift her old sax to Becky, encouraging her to follow in Lucy's steps.

Bad idea, for Becky's playing is atrocious. Moreover, everyone but Lucy can see that Becky has no enthusiasm for the instrument and is essentially guilted into learning to please Lucy. Lucy won't take the hint, leading to an irritated Curtis (Gale Gordon) literally pouring his now-ruined mousse down the saxophone while Lucy is playing it. Lucy manages to get her hand stuck in the saxophone trying to clean it. However, this makes everyone realize that Becky has been playing a cassette of her rehearsals to get out of playing the instrument. Eventually, Lucy accepts that Becky will not be a virtuosa, and the two reconcile.

It is so strange that experienced television cast and crew failed to see how Lucy is a Sax Symbol showed the flaws in Life with Lucy. Despite this being the first episode that took place in the McGibbon home, we still had to shoehorn M&B Hardware Store employee Leonard (Donovan Scott) into things. He appeared only once in the opening scene, where for some reason he needed to do a bad pratfall that was forced and obvious.

I do not consider Leonard's pratfall as a sight gag, but it was not good or funny.

Lucy is a Sax Symbol is also curious in how it makes Lucy into a totally unsympathetic figure. It is clear that everyone hates Becky's playing. Even Lucy initially appears to see that Becky is pretty bad at the playing. However, for most of the episode, Lucy seems at best oblivious, at worst openly hostile to the suggestion that she could possibly be wrong. It is almost as if Lucy does not care about what Becky wants but makes it about what she wants. As much as Lucy is a Sax Symbol wants us to side with Lucy, I think she deserved to have the mousse poured down the saxophone. I probably would have done worse, like smash the instrument to pieces.

In terms of performances, the clear MVP is Lewis. It perhaps is no surprise given that the episode is Becky-centered, and she sells the mix of loving her grandmother and hating what she is doing to her. Lewis' final scene with Ball was surprisingly tender and sweet, making the drama work well. She also had a nice quip when Becky's deception is discovered. Pointing out the recording, Ball says "I'm trying to decide if it's real or if it's Memorex". 

Gordon too was strong, delivering quips with flustered anger. "If you're going to operate on that buffalo, at least use some anesthetic!" he bellows when storming into Becky's practice session. In a surprising turn, guest star Brandon Call was good as Max, Kevin's friend. Long before he gained fame on Step by Step, Call showed he had talent as a child actor. Everyone else pretty much fades and frankly, should have given their overall performances. 

Lucy is a Sax Symbol could have been better. Perhaps that is why I thought it was bad, because there was a chance to open up the series to genuine conflicts. It pulled back, which was a bad choice. Life with Lucy has now aired five of its eventual eight broadcast episodes and so far, it blows. 

2/10

Next Episode: Lucy Makes Curtis Byte the Dust

Life with Lucy: Lucy Gets Her Wires Crossed

LIFE WITH LUCY: 

LUCY GETS HER WIRES CROSSED

Written by: Linda Morris and Vic Rauseo

Directed by: Peter Baldwin

Airdate: October 18, 1986

Lucy Gets Her Wires Crossed, the fourth Life with Lucy episode, is just a sad affair. Predictable, rote, and slightly robotic, Lucy Gets Her Wires Crossed made one genuinely worried about literal safety of its star.

The M&B Hardware Store is facing stiff competition from rival retail store Hardware Heaven. An unexpected bit of good news comes to co-owners Lucy Barker (Lucille Ball) and Curtis McGibbon (Gale Gordon) when local television host Fred Dunlap (Dick Gautier) comes to the store. Seeing an opportunity to drum up business, Lucy talks Fred into having Curtis host a repair segment on Wake Up Pasadena as a Mr. Fix-It.

Curtis, fully aware that Lucy will inevitably make a mess of things, flatly refuses to let her be his cohost. It isn't until their granddaughter Becky (Jenny Lewis), intentionally or not, shows Curtis' hypocrisy in encouraging her to let her brother Kevin (Philip J. Amelio, II) play with her that he gives in. Unsurprisingly, Lucy does manage to make the Mr. Fix-It segment into a total disaster. She uses powerful glue that gets her stuck on everything she touches, which includes Curtis and the Wake Up Pasadena hosts. The wiring of the broken lamp causes a power outage in the studio, leaving everyone in the dark.

Four episodes into Life with Lucy and I think the few remaining viewers would have liked to have seen the lights turned off. There is an almost curious sense of desperation in Lucy Gets Her Wires Crossed, where people know that everything is predictable, but they were going to go through it anyway. 

Of particular note is Leonard (Donovan Scott), who has one of the worst lines that I have heard so far. Advising a prospective customer that the flyswatter she is looking for is on sale, he says the following. "Today we have a special, a two-for-one sale. You buy any two items and I, for one, will be thrilled!". I literally groaned at both the line and Scott's almost desperate delivery. It is almost a contest to see which was worse: the performance or the line. To be fair, I think it is the latter, because Scott was asked to deliver it, and there is only so much he or anyone else could do with such abysmal material.

That, however, pales in comparison to perhaps one of the most infamous moments in Life with Lucy: Lucy's efforts at fixing a reclining chair. In an effort to show that she is capable and competent enough to be on Wake Up Pasadena, she took it upon herself to fix a chair. Naturally, the chair goes haywire, thrashing the 75-year-old hither and yon. Yes, the studio audience appeared to be laughing and greeted the end with applause, but I think the television audience would be alarmed. It is not that Ball could not physically handle the comedy. It is that no matter how spry and agile she was, the sight of an old woman potentially flinging herself out of a chair would horrify viewers. 

Separate from that moment, Lucy Gets Her Wires Crossed just is not funny. The set-up is predictable, the supporting cast is barely there (again, Leonard is there for one scene and Lucy & Curtis' children are barely in the episode to where I don't even remember if they were). The sole bright spot acting wise save for Ball and Gordon was Lewis. As Becky, she made her suggestion that Curtis was speaking from both sides of his mouth believable, if not exactly true. I do not know if there is a parallel between excluding Kevin from a board game and excluding the accident-prone Lucy from humiliating herself and Curtis on television. Curtis is already openly nervous and stiff on the television show. Having to watch Lucy to try and stop her from bringing disaster would only add to the tension of things. 

Bless Lucille Ball and Gale Gordon from really trying to sell Lucy Gets Her Wires Crossed. Like the lamp that Lucy ended up destroying, however, something this broken could not be fixed. 

1/10

Next Episode: Lucy is a Sax Symbol

Life with Lucy: Love Among the Two-By-Fours

LIFE WITH LUCY: 

LOVE AMONG THE TWO-BY-FOURS

Written by: Linda Morris and Vic Rauseo

Directed by: Marc Daniels

Airdate: October 4, 1986

They were so close to making something out of Life with Lucy by actually tackling a contemporary issue. Alas, for whatever reason, they pulled back to give the dwindling viewership some truly frightful sight gags and little plot. Love Among the Two-By-Fours is the rare Life with Lucy episode that does not feature "Lucy" in the title. It also does not feature almost anything good in terms of comedy.

Lucy Barker (Ball) is fooling around the M&B Hardware store with Leonard (Donovan Scott), much to the irritation of her business partner/in-law relation Curtis McGibbon (Gale Gordon). Curtis is eager for a contract with Beechwood Construction to supply plumbing material. Lucy and Curtis get an unexpected surprise when Goofy shows up.

Goofy, in this case, is Ben Matthews* (Peter Graves), an old flame of Lucy's who also owns Beechwood Construction. Ben is delighted to see the former Lucy Everett again, and she is too, initially. On their date, Ben takes her to an unfinished home in a misguided way to relive past dates, but they end up literally sinking into the house. The extended McGibbon-Barker family is shocked when Lucy comes in early the next morning. Lucy reveals that Ben has asked her to go for a weekend to San Francisco. 

In a heart to heart with her daughter Margo (Ann Dusenberry), Lucy admits feeling uneasy about two things. The first is the idea of going with Ben and all the implications that entails, real or imagined. The second is the grief she still feels over the death of her husband. Margo reminds her of what Lucy told her when she was considering a relationship: she should do what she thought was right. With that, Lucy opts not to go away with Ben and tells a delighted Curtis that he does have the supply contract.

We might have a clue as to why Life with Lucy failed so sadly and so spectacularly. As soon as Ball appeared for the opening scene, she was greeted by wild and enthusiastic applause and cheers. She had not done anything, and yet her presence elicited wild ovation. I think this may have given both Ball and the production team the wrong impression that Life with Lucy and Love Among the Two-By-Fours was good. The audience was not cheering the goings-on because there had been none. What they were cheering was the Living Legend, Lucille Ball.

Ball again did her best to balance humor and drama. She and Gale Gordon continue to be the highlights of Life with Lucy. Peter Graves looked like a parody of Peter Graves: staccato and robotic. I don't want to say that he was disengaged from things, more that he didn't bother playing any of this seriously or humorously.  

Watching Love Among the Two-By-Fours, there is very little to actually laugh at. Scott's Leonard in his one scene does a Star Trek impersonation and a pratfall, both of which are unnecessary. Come to think of it, the character of Leonard is unnecessary. He adds nothing to the plot, and one is puzzled as to why his physical schtick is even thought of as funny versus forced. We ended the episode with a surprisingly spry Gordon, doing a leap that showed the then-80-year-old was quite agile. Somehow, the senior citizen outdid the younger man in terms of physical humor.

Love Among the Two-By-Fours is eerily creaky, as if it is emerging from a tomb. It is no surprise: the episode's director, Marc Daniels, was a gobsmacking 74 years old when he directed the episode. Its two writers, Bob Carroll, Jr. and Madelyn Davis were 68 and 65 respectively when they wrote Love Among the Two-By-Fours. At the risk of sounding ageist, having people who worked with Ball thirty-five years ago trying out the same bits is almost ghastly. Watching the episode, one feels as if this were from an entirely different era.

To be fair, there was one good moment that came close to being contemporary. In the long conversation between Lucy and Margo, we got a nice dramatic moment from Ball as she recounts her fears about a possible new romance and the loss of her old one. Even Dusenberry managed a nice moment when reassuring her mother that whatever her choice, she would support it. 

That would be the bright spot, and it might have lifted Love Among the Two-By-Fours more. Unfortunately, everything else was just bad. Seeing the kids and adults compare "wild" dances of their generations makes one want to cover their eyes. Dusenberry and Anderson were so forced when recreating The Monkey and The Swim that it is cringe. Anderson in particular was just bad in his line delivery. Maybe everyone involved thought that seeing Ball and Graves do The Big Apple would be fun and lighthearted. The end result was more bizarre.

I could not help thinking that, had Carroll, Jr., Davis and Daniels removed the sight gag of Lucy and Ben sinking down the floor and left it with a suggestion of a kiss, we might have had a nice romantic moment that built up the drama without skimping on the laughs. Whether they all felt that having character development would cut out what they thought was funny, I cannot say. I can say that Love Among the Two-By-Fours was pretty much laugh-free. 

2/10

Next Episode: Lucy Gets Her Wires Crossed

*In the episode the character is called Ben Matthews. For unknown reasons, he is credited as Ben Marshall.