Sherlock: The Blind Banker Review

SHERLOCK: THE BLIND BANKER

Sherlock Is Tong-Tied...

After some time I have decided to watch as many Sherlock episodes as time will allow before Season Three of the cult show premieres.  I think I am right in calling Sherlock a 'cult show', not because it is obscure.  Far from it: Sherlock is WILDLY popular.  Sherlock is a cult show because its fans, Sherlockians, are so fanatical as to be unhinged.  The CBS Sherlock Holmes-centered series Elementary is seen by the Sherlockians to be downright Satanic (I'm honestly surprised the Sherlockians haven't gotten together in some Comic-Con and made voodoo dolls out of Lucy Liu and Jonny Lee Miller, let alone Elementary creator Robert Doherty, who in their minds cannot touch the shadow of  'genius' Steven Moffat). 

That Sherlock fans and Elementary fans are engaging in some sort of online nerd war doesn't bother me all that much.  Sherlockians thinking that Benedict Cumberbatch is THE Sherlock Holmes, the ONLY Sherlock Holmes (and their fierce dismissal of Basil Rathbone or Jeremy Brett as being somehow inferior to Benny) DOES bother me tremendously, so much so that it's the fanbase itself rather than the show that has made me highly reluctant to watch Sherlock. 

People who insist Sherlock is somehow the Citizen Kane of all Sherlock Holmes adaptations: past, present, and future, and that there was no Sherlock Holmes prior to A Study in Pink and there will be no Sherlock Holmes after Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman's John Watson (or as I lovingly call them, Benny & Marty) end their run should be publicly horsewhipped.

Nevertheless, it is unfair to dismiss a whole program because a group of devotees make Al-Qaeda look like the Rotary Club.  I am letting my disdain for these nutters get in the way of what could be and what I am told by rational people (those who don't dream of when the TARDIS will land in front of 221 B Baker Street) is a good show.  With that, I return to the second episode of Sherlock's first season.  The Blind Banker has good ideas within it, but somehow I am surprised at how dumb Sherlock Holmes is in it.  I'm not saying that Sherlock Holmes is stupid.  I am saying that at least twice I figured things out faster than HE did, and from I know of The Great Detective that isn't suppose to happen. 

Holmes is asked to inquire on a case by a former university classmate Sebastian Wilkes (Bertie Carvel) where someone broke into the former head's office and left odd graffiti on the walls and leaving a paint slash across the painting's eyes (hence, The Blind Banker).  While Holmes has no interest in taking payment, Watson (financially strapped) is more than willing to take the check in Holmes' name.  When Holmes works out that the symbols were a message of some kind for a particular employee, said employee, Edward Van Coon (Dan Percival) is found dead in his apartment. 

A suicide, both Watson and Detective Inspector Dimmock (Paul Chequer) hold.  Nonsense, says Holmes.  It was murder, painfully obvious too.  Van Coon was left handed, so he couldn't have shot himself from the right side.  Now, the question is, who killed him and why?  We then come across another strange death, that of journalist Brian Lukis (Howard Coggins) is also killed, and with a library book as a clue, we find similar strange writings in the library.

How are they connected?  Well, to coin a phrase, 'ancient Chinese secret'.

No Sino Bigotry Here

It takes a bit before a secondary story is tied into The Blind Banker, that of Soo Lin Yao (Gemma Chan), an expert on ancient Chinese tea sets.  Her co-worker Andy (Al Weaver) fancies our lovely Asian lass, but she kindly declines his offer of coffee (seriously, being Chinese he should have said tea).  It's not just because she may not like the likable Andy.  It's because she recognizes the markings.

Sherlock gets advise from his 'art expert' (a graffiti artist) and eventually connections are made.  The two victims are connected by their constant travels to China and visits to a particular shop, where the markings are discovered to be Hang Zhou numerals, which can also be translated to particular symbols.  Holmes finds a connection to antiquities smuggling and the Tong of The Black Lotus, and its nefarious head, General Zhi Zhu (sadly, not the Brazilian children's television host Xuxa).  Holmes also finds Soo Lin is in danger, but despite this a figure still manages to care for ancient Chinese teapots.

Eventually, this story is tied into Watson's love life.  Watson, in need of cash and some stability, begins working in a clinic, but these late nights investigating force him to nap at the office.  The office manager Sarah (Zoe Telford) steps in, and the good doctor and good manager fancy each other, so Sarah agrees to go on a date with John.  This peeves Holmes only in that it interrupts their work, but fortunately, Holmes has found a brilliant way to mix everything: he suggests Watson take Sarah to a Chinese circus, where John discovers that the reservations are for three, under the name Holmes.

The Blind Banker wraps with Sarah and Watson (who through a series of misunderstandings, been confused for Sherlock Holmes) taken by General Xuxa...I mean, Zhi Zhu, and the object of the murders, an ancient Chinese Hairpin, eventually recovered from the unwitting owner, one of the two victim's mistress.  Our Dragon Lady, having failed in her mission, is bumped off on orders by a mysterious "M".

Jealous?  Whatever gave you that idea?

I am trying to not let the fact that Steve Thompson, The Blind Banker's screenwriter, has written two of my Eleven Worst Doctor Who stories so far (Journey to the Centre of the TARDIS and The Curse of the Black Spot at Numbers 9 and 3 respectively)* influence what I think of The Blind Banker.  I, however, did find things that I found odd and distasteful, but I'll get to those in a moment.  For now, let's focus on the positive. 

The interplay between the two main leads and Telford's Sarah is sparkling.  Martin Freeman and Benedict Cumberbatch make these two figures appear genuine and more importantly, friends, if not ones that would really express it as such.  Holmes doesn't leave Watson out of things as much (Holmes' attack in Soo Ling's flat an exception).  Even in this we see that connection between these two is one that can be at times frustrating.  Freeman's angry rebuke of Holmes while the latter is being strangled isn't as funny as the screenplay thinks it is, but it does show Freeman's Watson to be someone who can stand up to Sherlock.

Similarly, the relationship between John and Sarah is pleasant, almost endearing.  Even the normally remote Sherlock Holmes is allowed a moment of unwitting levity.  When Watson tells Holmes he has plans and thus cannot help him that night, Holmes is confused.  A date?  In a somewhat sarcastic manner John explains to Sherlock what a date is.

"Where two people who like each other go out and have fun."

An incredulous, almost hurt Holmes replies, "That's what I was suggesting," to which Watson says, "No it wasn't.  At least, I hope not."

In this little exchange, we see that the relationship between Holmes and Watson has developed to where Holmes admits that he likes Watson (and given how remote Holmes can be, haughty with everyone, this is a subtle and extraordinary admission). 

I also enjoyed how Thompson managed to tie in a series of random events into a logical conclusion that the tong reached that Watson is Holmes.  It is almost as if the tong were using the same methods Holmes would have used only to arrive at a totally erroneous conclusion.  I was even pleased by Freeman's comic foil, him constantly getting in odd situations due to Sherlock's behavior.



I'm prettier than Brett or Rathbone... 

However, sometimes I think there was simply too much effort to make Martin Freeman into someone closer to a Nigel Bruce, the bumbling dimwit who isn't quite there.  Freeman's Watson isn't nearly as dim as Bruce's Watson, but the opening where Watson ends up arguing with a check-out machine is a bit cringe-inducing, especially when it is intercut with Holmes fighting off an assassin simultaneously only for Watson to arrive at 221 B unaware of what had been going on (the puns weren't helpful in that aspect either).  Later on, when Watson is being tortured, there is a mention of the Empress Hairpin, but when Holmes brings up this Empress Hairpin, Watson behaves as if he's never heard of it.  This is highly odd given that General Zhi Zhu had mentioned it a few hours earlier. 

One thing that I really did not care for in The Blind Banker was in how I figured things out faster than Sherlock Holmes.  Granted, I had more information (the subplot of Soo Lin) but even when watching the scene at Van Coon's flat I thought the only logical explanation was not as Detective Inspector Dimmock put it, Spider-Man commit the crime, but that it had to be someone quite agile who could climb.  When we got the connection to the Black Lotus Tong, I thought the only way they could travel incognito was via a Chinese Circus (which would give them an agile acrobat). 

Why Holmes didn't come that conclusion sooner surprises me.

Also, if Soo Lin was in such danger, why would a.) Holmes and Watson leave her unguarded, and b.) not bother to take any weapons to which to protect themselves?  How did no one notes the graffiti on the sculpture in the Antiquities Museum? 



For my next trick,
I'll make Tibet disappear.

Even that was not as appalling as the 'yellow menace' The Blind Banker indulges in that went out with Fu Manchu.  We see only two types of Asian women: the victim who was forced into prostitution (Soo Lin) and the Dragon Lady (Zhi Zhu).  Even the tong's name, Black Lotus, smacks more of something out of a Charlie Chan movie than something from the 'progressive' Twenty-First Century.   Throwing in this idea that Soo Lin's brother was this acrobatic assassin made things to me even sillier.  I don't think the people involved with The Blind Banker are bigots, but one would have hoped that perhaps we could have seen Soo Lin be less victim and more victor. 

Still, in a rare turn it is Sarah who gives Sherlock a vital insight, and in another rare turn the lightness between Sarah and John made their budding relationship sparkle.  Even poor Molly Hooper (Louise Brealey), the morgue worker who fancies Sherlock, gets a moment of humor though with Sherlock still oblivious.  I did enjoy some of the humor (like Watson so knocked out he literally sleeps on the job), though some (Watson arguing with that check-out machine) didn't work. 

As a side note, Watson's hope that Sherlock wasn't suggestion a 'date' as Watson understood it is a bit bigoted on his side, not to mention it continues Sherlock's odd habit of wanting to suggest there is something more to Holmes and Watson other than work relations.  Despite Elementary having a female Watson, there is less sexual suggestion on that show than there is in Sherlock with its two male leads.  It's almost as if Sherlock wants to both elevate the idea of sex between Holmes and Watson and ridicule the idea of two men having sex at all simultaneously.  I sense a little homophobia in all this, but in the traditional sense of the definition of 'fear of homosexuals/homosexuality'.  Somehow, the idea that two men could enjoy each other's company and even be close without it either leading or suggesting anything sexual is unknown to Sherlock.

The Blind Banker was a bit of a letdown after the much better A Study in Pink, but not terrible.  There were good moments of humor, a plot that mostly held up, and a continued great teamwork between Cumberbatch and Freeman.  With one more episode before finishing Season One, I still find little in Sherlock to suggest I will become either a Sherlockian or a Cumberbitch. 

Always Two: A Master and an Apprentice.

* Sherlock's co-creator Steven Moffat has two stories on that list: The Snowmen and River's Secret Parts I & II (A Good Man Goes to War/Let's Kill Hitler) at Numbers 7 & 6, and Sherlock's other co-creator Mark Gatiss has one: Cold War at Number 5.  Gatiss, however, also has The Unquiet Dead, which I voted the Tenth Best Doctor Who Story reviewed so far. 

6/10

Next Sherlock Story: The Great Game

The Worst of 2013 So Far

Well, now that we've gotten the Ten Best Films of 2013 So Far, it is only fair to note those simply dreadful wastes of all our times and the film's production cast and crew.  That's right, now we go to the Ten Worst Films of 2013 So Far. 

Again, I have not seen every film in 2013 or seen all the ones I was sent.  As such, it is impossible to say whether such films as Movie 43 (and no, that isn't a sequel to 42 in case you were wondering) really was the Worst.  I only rank the films I have actually seen.  However, this list makes me wonder why I torture myself so.  Again, rankings are based on grades A to F, then a ranking among those with the same grade.  Finally, for the bad movies, I have a Would I Rather...Rule, as in, Would I rather watch Film A or Film B if I had to choose.  Sometimes the choice is so, so hard given how lousy some of these films were.  Sometimes, though, the answer is pretty clear. 

Num. 10

Perhaps Ryan Reynolds should stop accepting scripts based on comic books altogether (but given that he will be in the Deadpool spin-off film, that is not likely). R.I.P.D. is a horrid mishmash of other, better films (Ghostbusters, Men in Black) despite being based on an independent comic book series.  The performances went from flat (Reynolds) to wildly, perhaps deliberately over-the-top (Jeff Bridges apparently spoofing his Rooster Cogburn from True Grit).  A story both nonsensical and boring, effects that are loud and ugly, and just a sorry excuse of a movie that will never spawn a sequel.  I guess then we came out all right in the end.

Num. 9

The first of two failed young adult book series adaptations, Beautiful Creatures is yet more proof that a.) Twilight spawned things either as insipid or more so, and b.) Millennials really are stupid if they like reading trash like this.  Overboard in its portrayals of Southern folk as dumb hicks who think the Leonardo DiCaprio film is called Interception (I guess the South does love their football--Roll Tide) or Christian fanatics (as if there were any other type), the love story between a witch...excuse me, Caster, and a Mortal comes across as boring and even laughable (the spinning table scene will be among the most hilarious moments in a film that takes itself too seriously).  I liked the leads and hope this will be a blip in their careers, but people like Emma Thompson and Jeremy Irons (doing perhaps the worst Southern accents in cinema history) just embarrassed themselves and should have known better.  Other cast members like Thomas Mann and Viola Davis apparently just needed money.  I can't believe there will be more Beautiful films despite it being a series.  Then again, I couldn't believe we got another Percy Jackson film, so shows me.

Num. 8

No Johnny, we haven't forgotten your little art film about relations between Native Americans and Anglo settlers.  The Lone Ranger is a most cynical film, thinking that we would care to watch more big, loud, bombastic, overblown films with no story in them.  Big explosions and crude stereotypes (Depp's claims of Native American ancestry notwithstanding...I at least can claim Aztec ancestors, so top THAT, Johnny) don't make up for the fact that The Lone Ranger is a hopeless mess.  Far too long for the story it's not telling, never allowing what should be an origin film to settle anything about actual origins, there is no reason to care about Tonto or John Reid.  Curiously, The Green Hornet's Brett Reid is suppose to be a direct descendant of the Lone Ranger, so perhaps 'kimosabe' is actually a Native American curse on the Reid family meaning "You makeum bad movies".  I have also not forgotten how you, Armie Hammer and Jerry Bruckheimer blamed ME for The Lone Ranger's failure, your arrogance adding insult to injury.  Rather than be men and admit you were wrong, you shunted the blame to a poor kid from West Texas.  Stay classy, boys.  Perhaps the biggest surprise is that there were films actually worse than yours!

Num. 7

SHE'S A GHOST!  Of all the stupid twists in a Nicholas Sparks adaptation (and believe me, all his books are both basically the same story and incredibly stupid to boot), this THE MAIN FEMALE LEAD'S FRIEND ENDS UP BEING THE GHOST OF THE MAIN MALE CHARACTER'S WIFE twist is really insulting.  Of course, this 'spiritual' take on romance is the least of Safe Haven's problems.  Julianne Hough and Josh Duhamel are both Beautiful Creatures, but lousy actors.  The situations especially Hough's character faces are nonsensical (the cop chasing her down is also her husband that she for no known reason cannot divorce) and Safe Haven has nothing to offer audiences except the Sparks template: beautiful white people in the beautiful white South (has there ever been a major black character in any Sparks book?) where the love rival has to literally die and there has to be some adorable child in peril.  Safe Haven strives so hard to be lush and romantic but ends up being stupid and boring...and SHE'S A GHOST!  

Num. 6

Stephanie Meyer, that frumpy Mormon hausfrau who single-handedly lowered the IQ of readers everywhere with her Twilight series...excuse me, SAGA, was at it again with The Host, her first non-EDWARD CULLEN tome.  If I go just by the story, perhaps hearing the voices of human Melanie and alien 'Wanda' (from Wanderer) might work when one is reading, but when it is visualized it turns into comedy.  Hearing poor Saoirse Ronan have to sound like a whiny teenager when 'Wanda' inside Melanie's body (or was it the other way around?) is about to kiss a boy is so laughable I can't believe Ronan could keep a straight face while recording her dialogue.  "Kiss me like you want to get slapped".  I hope that wasn't in the book, because I would have laughed at this like I laughed when I heard in the Twilight audiobook "His skin was literally sparkling".  Seeing promising actors like Ronan and Max Irons and even not-as-promising Jake Abel appear in this story that is dumb and plays like a spoof of Meyer's miserable writing is sad, and there was a threat of a sequel.  The Host I think is the first film of 2013 to earn an F, though I cannot remember.

Num. 5

The second of two failed young adult book adaptations, The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones is instead of a beautiful love story, a comedy, a spoof of all those angst-ridden young adult books involving the supernatural, a love triangle (or actually, a love square given the gay subplot that was introduced but never explored), monsters like vampires and werewolves and some simply out-and-out hilarious moments (the sprinklers going off just as the two leads kiss or when the witch closes what's left of a door when she exists).  You have such wild over-the-top performances from people like Jonathan Rhys-Meyers (who was excellent as King Henry VIII or Henry 8 as he was billed in The Tudors), a rather ugly-looking 'hot male lead' (sorry, I preferred the female lead's platonic male friend over the supposedly 'hot' guy) and a really creepy premise (the two 'lovers' may be brother and sister).  Its subtitle suggests people hoped to have more Mortal Instruments films, but again, despite this being the first of a series of novels, one can hope it won't be a series of films.

Num. 4

Battle of the Year costs $20 million to make, and the obvious question is 'why'?  It doesn't have big stars (unless you really, REALLY loved Drake and Josh's Josh Peck, Lost's Josh Holloway, and scum of the Earth Chris Brown and think they are worth the cost of admission).  Battle of the Year is clichéd (down to the characters, a motley crew of stereotypes) and idiotic.  For example, one of the b-boy dancers, Lil' Adonis (Richard Maguire) goes on and on about being a gay b-boy, and while you get the standard 'straight guy has problems being near a gay guy', by the end of it the bigoted Anis (Anis Cheurfa) defends Lil' Adonis.  How this change came about we know not.  We also get the alcoholism of Holloway's Coach (which is shown but again never resolved) and the eager nice Jewish kid Franklyn with a 'y' (that would be Peck), who can't even bond with the only Hebrew b-boy in the world (apart from the Israeli B-Boy Dance Crew).  There is an impressive dance number near the end, but apart from that (and seeing scum of the Earth Chris Brown get punched--payback for Ri-Ri perhaps?), Battle of the Year is a losing battle.

Num. 3

There is something within me that rebels against both pretentious films and David Lynch knock-offs.  Only God Forgives is both, and boring too.   Self-indulgent and pseudo-artistic, it plays to the worst of avant-garde actor Ryan Gosling's penchant for taking himself far too seriously.  The story is dumb, Gosling has about 17 lines in the whole thing (the nadir of his 'strong, silent' style of acting) and it is far more obsessed with its visuals than with a story that might have been interesting.  Avant-garde actor Gosling's underacting was compensated with Kristin Scott Thomas' overacting (any woman screaming about the penis sizes of her sons while dining with one of those sons and his hooker girlfriend can't be taken seriously).  Only God Forgives ultimately makes no sense on any level and shows that perhaps we've been wrong about avant-garde actor Ryan Gosling, that instead of being one of our young competent actors, he's really rather inflated with his sense of his 'art'. 

Num. 2

It's a sad thing when you see a group of Oscar winners (I count four) humiliate themselves in something that even the most wretched FOX sitcom would reject as too stupid.  Yet there they were, in The Big Wedding, a film whose story is dumb, whose characters were also dumb or repulsive or in Ben Barnes' case, insulting; casting a British actor to play a Columbian is on par with another Ben (Ben Affleck), deciding that they would be perfect as a Hispanic when apparently Hollywood lacks Latino actors.   Barnes' performance (as with Affleck) make Charlton Heston's turn as a Mexican in Touch of Evil look downright naturalistic. That is only the tip of the horror that was The Big Wedding.   Everything is predictable (minus Katherine Heigl vomiting over Robert DeNiro, which is reflective of how the audience felt), the characters stereotypical (the Hispanic females showing a new variation of the Madonna/whore complex) and overall everyone gave universally lousy performances.  Even the less than spectacular Heigl, Topher Grace, and Amanda Seyfried couldn't be bothered to do more than slumming through this slog of a horror.

It actually was a tight race for the single Worst Film of 2013 So Far, but try as hard as The Big Wedding did, it could not dislodge that Failure of The Will...

Num. 1

Watching paint dry is more intellectually stimulating and much better entertainment than After Earth.  Watching dog crap dry is more intellectually stimulating and much better entertainment than After Earth.  Watching After Earth is less a painful experience (though it is that, given that both my friends Josh and Nicki Sattelmeier and my cousin George walked out of their respective screenings at the second-run theater) and more a sad one.  Seeing Will Smith squander the public's love and affection for him in his quixotic quest to turn his progeny Jaden (or as I call him, Leaden Jaden) into not an actor but a STAR makes a mockery of Smith's business acumen.  He and Mommie Dearest Jada already pushed Jaden into a film career he, based on his performance in The Karate Kid, really doesn't want.  Now Poppa Smith pushed his son to be the primary character in this hoped-for franchise (note that despite having a total of three films prior to After Earth, it is Jaden, not two-time Oscar nominee Will, who gets top billing).

It is the instinct of every parent to see his/her child do better, but no amount of starring vehicles can make someone as uninteresting a screen presence as Jaden Smith into an actual actor, let alone a STAR.  He may be one eventually, but it will take more than the Smith Family fortune to get us to like Jaden or his sister Willow (seriously, I Whip My Hair is a dreadful song which by comparison makes After Earth look like Forbidden Planet) and flock to any film the younger Smiths are in.  I really think that Jaden is doing all these movies because his dad wants him to, not because he wants to (or because being the scion of wealth and privilege, Jaden has acquired an inflated sense of entitlement).  If he really doesn't want to be a STAR, then After Earth may be evidence of child abuse.

As my mother would say, it certainly was Audience Abuse.      
   

The Worst of 2012 So Far

Again, I know I am a year behind.  However, I don't like leaving things unanswered.  As a result, now I go on to my Ten Worst Films of 2012 so far.  Again, all 92 films received a grade from A to F, then a ranking between those with similar grades.

Num. 10

I know many people thought highly of The Deep Blue Sea.  It is good to see Rachel Weisz and Tom Hiddleston show their range, and I thought well of the performances,  However, I also found The Deep Blue Sea rather boring, stuffed with too much 'greatness' within it.  I simply found no joy in the film, and as such I might appreciate The Deep Blue Sea if it actually moved. 

Num. 9

I was once asked if there was a bad Denzel Washington film.  I'm sure Washington, as shrewd a person in Hollywood as there is working today, has made the occasional mistake, but in this case an answer did come.  Safe House might have been interesting if it weren't so generic, and while I admired Ryan Reynolds' Afrikaans, the movie was a boring muddle.  So yes, there IS such a thing as a bad Denzel Washington film, though mercifully those are few and very far between.

Num. 8

Was it a spoof of the television series?  An homage?  A mocking of it?  In short, the tonal confusion of what Dark Shadows was (comedy, horror, drama) was only part of how bad Dark Shadows was.  Johnny Depp continues to act by rote, making Barnabas Collins into Jack Sparrow: Vampire.  In turns ridiculing and embracing the weirdness of the source material, shifting Barnabas from a figure of sympathy to a figure of horror to a befuddled object of lust, Dark Shadows simply did not know what it was.  When the antagonist vomits TWICE on Barnabas, I figure she was representing the audience.  It's never a good sign in a film when someone throws up on someone else.

Num. 7

This Is 40 is something of a sequel to Knocked Up featuring two minor characters from that film to their own vehicle.  I found it an anti-comedy: depressing, smug, and full of itself.  I didn't care for these people or their First World WASP problems.  I never saw Knocked Up but after watching This is 40 I have no desire to do so.      

Num. 6

Can an action film be dull?  Yes, and proof of that is Lawless.  It doesn't help that everyone acts as if life is really boring, and given they are bootleggers, that is an extraordinary accomplishment in and of itself.  Despite having a cavalcade of good actors (and yes, Shia Labeouf), Lawless was putting me to sleep.

Num. 5

Lockout is a film I barely remember.  It might have been good fun if hadn't been so stupid and clichéd, and come to think of it, creepy.  Bless Guy Pearce's heart for trying to make something different, but Lockout is something we or anyone else will remember or want to watch.

Num. 4

Battleship is the nadir of using board games as feature film material.  Dumb it is, of that there is no doubt.  However, it was also boring and insulting to the audience with logical inconsistencies within the film itself.  Taylor Kitsch, who was being built up to be a big star, instead found 2012 to be an annis horribilus, starring in not one but three box office bombs (John Carter, Savages, and Battleship).  I personally liked John Carter though recognize its flaws, and I couldn't muster enthusiasm to watch Savages.  However, Battleship appeals only to really dumb people, easy to please.  I imagine fans of Matt Smith's Doctor Who would love it.  The fact it couldn't give us a 'you sunk my battleship' is most unforgivable of all.

Num. 3

I liked Taken and admire Liam Neeson's rebirth as an action star.  The Grey, however, was a slow-moving, predictable slog.  I didn't care whether he lived or died, and the story has a whole group of clichés that caused me to doze off a bit. 

Num. 2

Shockingly, Robert Pattinson can't act. 2012 gave us three examples of this model's pouting as performance: Bel Ami, Breaking Dawn Part II, and my second worst film of 2012, Cosmopolis.  It all moved so painfully slowly, and Pattison showed just how blank he is as an 'actor'.  I did fall asleep at Cosmopolis, so when I woke up I asked no one in particular, 'why is Pattinson hugging that big black man?'  This alleged journey into the dark side of capitalism shows that capitalism does work...few paid to watch this dull disaster.         

It might be unfair to pick on this little-seen film as the Worst Film of 2012 So Far, but even something as boring as Cosmopolis is more watchable than this hideous thing.

Num. 1

Nipples & Palm Trees already has perhaps one of the worst titles in film history.  I imagine it is a reference to sex in Southern California.  However, my history with Nipples & Palm Trees is a most unhappy one.  I was approached by if memory serves correct writer/actor Matthew James to review this film.  I always enjoy discovering new, smaller films, and despite my misgivings over the title I opted to have a copy sent to me.  Boy, was THAT a mistake.  I figured Nipples & Palm Trees was like a porn movie that took out all the sex and left what is laughingly referred to as 'the plot'.  It was simply hideous, and I felt bad having to actually try to review it because I couldn't find one good thing in it: not the acting, certainly not the story, nor the directing or even the catering I imagine. 

I was so disgusted by Nipples & Palm Trees I did something I had never done and have not done since: I literally and I do mean literally threw it out the window.  I got the DVD, put it in the case and tossed it out of my house.  I did go back and put it in the trash, where it belongs.  Nipples & Palm Trees so appalled me that I have rejected almost all non-OFCS sent screeners, fearing I would have a repeat of this grotesque enterprise.  Really, Nipples & Palm Trees might be the worst film I have seen in the nearly five years I have served as reviewer.  Even something that I truly detest like The Hangover Part II is better than Nipples & Palm Trees, and The Hangover Part II is the ugliest film I ever paid to watch.   

The Best of 2012 So Far

Yeah, yeah.  I know I'm a year behind, but since I never got around to it and have some free time I decided to have my Ten Best Films of 2012.  Again, a ranking of all 92 films seen from that year so far.  Sadly, I still haven't gotten to some of the screeners from last year.  I felt so overwhelmed with them that I was simply unable to watch them all. 

All films were given a grade of A to F, then separated from within each grade.  With that, here we go.

Num. 10

Life of Pi was suppose to be unfilmable.  That I do not know not having read the novel.  The actual film itself is a beautiful-looking one, with amazing special effects (only rarely do we think 'Richard Parker' is not an actual tiger).  The film holds together remarkably well and flows (no pun intended) to being both believable and beautiful.  I know some people dislike the more mystical elements in Life of Pi (in particular the 'so it is with God' explanation for Pi's adventures), but on the whole I found it all so beautiful and bright.

Num. 9

I have never been a fan of Wes Anderson, finding his films self-consciously whimsical to the point of idiocy.  However, Moonrise Kingdom won me over, particularly because it is from a child's point of view.  Granted, the two children are a bit too intellectual for their age, but given how nutty the adults were, they came across as the more rational of the two groups.  Moonrise Kingdom embraces its own wonderfully weird world and even Anderson's quarks (his horizontal camera work, his centering of the characters) didn't get on my nerves.

Num. 8

Ruby Sparks is a variation of the Pygmalion myth, but it is held together by its own whimsy and the performances of Paul Dano and Ruby Sparks' writer Zoe Kazan.  It's an offbeat love story that despite its oddball premise (a writer literally and unwittingly creates his own dream girl) the whole thing works due to both the acting and the genuinely sweet, I daresay realistic love story of how sometimes the people we fall in love with are more images of what we'd like than the actuality of who they are.

Num. 7

For someone who has a reputation of finding romantic comedies unappealing, I notice that a lot of the Top Ten List has at least three of them.  Salmon Fishing in the Yemen enchanted me from its beginning, as Ewan McGregor and Emily Blunt (one of my favorite actors and someone who is hit and miss) share beautiful and believable moments where we see these two genuinely nice, ordinary people fall in love.  Kristin Scott Thomas here is also capable of handling gentle comedy.  It's interesting that Scott Thomas is someone who is as good as her material and director.  In Salmon Fishing in the Yemen, she is wonderful.  In Only God Forgives, she is unforgivable.  While the story is again a bit far-fetched (the title says it all), it feels so natural that you believe it all and for myself, I genuinely liked the characters, and once you like the characters, you root for them and are drawn to the story.

Num. 6

Citadel was trashed by critics and the public at large, but I don't understand why.  I tend to dislike horror films, but I saw Citadel not just as a horror film, but as a smart allegory about the crumbling inner city and the fear of random crime.  The main character is so crippled by fear that it is only when his only child is threatened by the crime and horror that surrounds him that he has to rise above his fear.  I was so caught up in the whole thing that when we got that big twist where we find that they really were demons, I was simply too engrossed in the film to be as stunned and terrified as I ended up being.  I thought Citadel worked as both a horror film and a tale of subtle brilliance. 

Num. 5

The first of two documentaries to end up on my list, Jiro Dreams of Sushi is more than a tale of an old man making raw fish.  Jiro Dreams of Sushi is about the pursuit of perfection, of working constantly to be and do the very best and how the Master will never be outshined, even by his sons that will work to carry his legacy.  I was mesmerized by how something as simple as sushi could be made into art, and how anything done with great love and attention can be something to be proud of.

Num. 4

The controversy over whether Zero Dark Thirty justified or endorsed torture probably cost it a few Oscars, given Hollywood's extreme liberalism.  However, I found Zero Dark Thirty did what should have been done: offer no easy answers about the war on terror.  The film refuses to tell us how or what to think about whether the ends justify the means, and rather than celebrate the leaders of this enterprise (Presidents George W. Bush and/or Barack Obama), we see that the ten year hunt for Osama bin Laden was a painstaking progress done by unknown figures.  Zero Dark Thirty also shows that terrible cost it took on so many to find this monster, and the final half hour that chronicles the actual raid on bin Laden's compound are frightening and intense, celebrating Seal Team Six's courage without being a flag-waving spectacle.  The end still haunts me: Jessica Chastain's Maya, now come to the end of the hunt, sits alone on the military plane, overwhelmed with emotions that reflect America's feelings: exhaustion, relief, and confusion as to what to do next.

Num. 3

I struggled when looking at Argo.  Try as I might the idea that non-Hispanic Ben Affleck thought he was a good enough actor to play Tony Mendez shows that despite Hollywood's and Affleck's own extreme liberalism, the industry is still remarkably bigoted.  Affleck's ego was too great to allow anyone else, in particular an actual Hispanic actor, to play the lead.  He had no problem not playing the lead in his first directorial effort Gone Baby Gone, but then again, his younger brother Casey was the lead in that film.  Minus that (although it is a big minus), Argo is a sharp, fast-paced, and intense film about the American Embassy staff trapped in the Canadian Ambassador's residence in Tehran, and the efforts to get them out.  It even throws in a few bits of skewering of Hollywood, and the final moments of whether they escape are incredible.

Num. 2

The second documentary to make my Top Ten and the first film of 2013 that earned an A, Ai Weiwei: Never Sorry paints a fascinating portrait of the artist as a defiant man.  Ai Weiwei is no saint: he is open about his illegitimate son and the mistress that bore him, but we see that to Weiwei, the truth is more important that Ming vases.  He constantly challenges the Chinese Communist rules with his art, pushing things as far as he can and even a bit farther, challenging them with his work.  Gleefully dismissive of the restrictions placed on him by the dictators who sweep away the deaths of children due to shoddy construction work and corruption, Ai Weiwei is in terms brave and irascible, unafraid to speak (or in his case, paint or sculpt) truth to power.

And now, of the 92 films I have seen so far from 2012, my Top Film is...

Num. 1

The Sessions has it all: comedy, romance, and intelligence.  John Hawkes' failure to earn a Best Actor Oscar nomination (I imagine Silver Linings Playbook's Bradley Cooper all but stole it from Hawkes) is a black mark on the Academy because he made Mark O'Brien a true figure: bright, witty, and now desirous of experiencing physical pleasure via sex.  Never was the subject of losing one's virginity and nudity handled with intelligence and warmth, avoiding any sensationalism or lurid undertones.  It also respects O'Brien's Catholic faith, as he goes to his priest for guidance between the morality of sex outside marriage and the particular situation his polio paralysis put him in.  Witty, sweet, and ultimately uplifting, The Sessions is charming and respectful. 

 

The Best of 2013 So Far

With 2013 gone forever, it is time for those pesky Best and Worst of List.  This is the Best of 2013 So Far, and I add the 'so far' because I haven't seen every film that came out or that was sent to me.  As a result, this list will be ongoing, but for now I will give you the ones that I have seen. 

I got the titles based on the rankings I gave them, a grade from A to F, then the ones that got a particular grade were ranked against each other.  I have seen 55 films, which is low due to a particularly heavy school load.  Now we go by order, starting from 10.

Num. 10

The Act of Killing is in turns weird and fascinating.  The documentary about Indonesian thugs who killed 'Communists' after a failed coup who talk about their crimes by having them recreate them in various film genres has you horrified at how casual they are about their deeds.  One of these thugs seems to have an odd fixation of constantly appearing in these 'movies' in drag, which lends a more bizarre angle to an already nutty premise, but seeing the other thug slowly come to realize just how monstrous he was is seeing belated justice and gives us the sad realization that as much as we may not admit it, there but for the Grace of God...

Num. 9

In A World... is a smart, sharp comedy that works as both a sweet romance and a satire on Hollywood.  Lake Bell does triple duty as writer, director, and actress and never fails in each turn.  As a writer, she manages to not make any of the characters 'villains' but real people who have flaws and ambitions, and within that story is a pleasant and positive romance of two hesitant people.  As a director, Bell (part of a small group of female directors) keeps things rolling for the most part, and was able to rank up the comedy when needed and ground it when needed.  Finally, as an actress she was funny without being witless, and her character never felt false or a typical 'dumb girl in need of boyfriend'.  She was likable without being cloying, and I found myself quite amused by this small gem of a comedy.

Num. 8

Ender's Game failed at the box office, and for me, that's a terrible shame.  I think it might be because it was a little too intellectual, and by that I mean rather than just an action film about aliens at war with humans, Ender's Game asked the questions about morality in war, the loss of innocence when children are made into combatants (something like the child soldiers in African and Islamic-nation wars) and the cost of a 'win at all cost' mindset.  It had solid performances from most of the cast, and it made me want to read the source material.  Granted, it was not a faithful adaptation (that would require a miniseries-type running time), but Ender's Game was well-acted, well-visualized, and I think a great adaptation.

Num. 7

Quartet is a debatable choice in that it might count as a 2012 film, but since the wide release was in 2013, I count it as a 2013 film.  Quartet was a delightful trifle and never pretends to be anything else.  It shows that the 'old folk' still have a role to play, and that just because one reaches a particular age it doesn't mean you stop living, loving, laughing, crying, working.  A cavalcade of Sirs and Dames (Tom Courtenay, Maggie Smith, Michael Gambon) show they are still very much in the running to still show the new kids how it's done, and I was ultimately charmed by this confection of artists who have yet to give their final act. 

Num. 6

You can argue about the historical accuracy of Saving Mr. Banks. Some of the reviewers have also been particularly harsh, almost spiteful, about the Disney Studios making a film about the making of a Disney Studios film, seeing it as the ultimate in cross-promotion or product placement or even cynical whitewashing: the studio celebrating itself via a movie about itself as 'the good guys'.  Well, I am not cynical enough to put that as my focus on Saving Mr. Banks.  Besides, Disney and Mary Poppins aren't suppose to be cynical (they may be, but we don't think of them that way).  This behind-the-scenes look at the difficulties of getting Mary Poppins creator P.L. Travers to part with the rights to her work has an interesting (albeit inaccurate) story and a great performance by Emma Thompson as the persnickety Travers (I wasn't that impressed with Tom Hanks as Walt Disney).  It may all be fantasy, but then, when the legend becomes fact...

Num. 5

It is hard to remember today just how difficult it must have been for Jackie Robinson to be 'the first' and break the color barrier in baseball.  With athletes of all races playing in all sports and a black President, it seems so unnatural to think that within our grandparent's lifetime sports were segregated.  It took not just a great athlete but a great and courageous man to be 'the first', always a daunting task.  42 chronicles the struggle for Jackie Robinson to withhold the righteous fury at the taunts, insults, and even death threats to silence all his naysayers with his talent and grace on and off the baseball field.  It has great performances by rising star Chadwick Boseman and veteran Harrison Ford and a delightful turn by Lucas Black as Pee Wee Reese, who stood alongside his teammate, not the 'Negro' player.  Courage requires so much, and 42 is a fitting tribute to a true American hero and icon. 

Num. 4

A comedy that also serves as a caper film and a character study?  American Hustle has it all.  Contrary to what one might have heard American Hustle is not that difficult to follow.  It is completely enmeshed in its 1970s style and there isn't a bad performance in the lot.  If anything American Hustle is a showcase for the main cast, in particular Jennifer Lawrence and Bradley Cooper, who show that their success is not a fluke (particularly with Cooper, who has not been given his due as an actor).  It also shows that Jeremy Renner continues to be one of the best actors around and that he can do some form of comedy, or at least not be as dour as he appears to be on screen and off.  A smart and clever story and great direction from David O. Russell show that someone can come as close as possible to making a Martin Scorsese film while Scorsese is off working with his muse Leonardo DiCaprio on something else.

Num. 3

It feels like forever since the Disney Animation Studios made something actually good.  However, with The Princess and the Frog, Tangled, and now Frozen, the Mouse House is on a tear.   Frozen has a wonderful mix of action, romance, and comedy (I think children will forever love the summer-loving snowman Olaf).  It has a beautiful soundtrack where despite the sheer number of songs they never feel jammed in, the showstopper being Let It Go but I found other numbers like Do You Want to Build a Snowman?, Fixer-Upper, and Love is an Open Door to be memorable and more important fit into the story.  The movie doesn't feel long and has a beautiful look all around.  I was so highly impressed with Frozen that I will treasure showing it at Christmas to my children and grandchildren and will find pleasure in it without them as well. 

Num. 2

What I found most incredible about Gravity was that it was such a short film.  However, in those 90 minutes we got an intense, frightening, and ultimately uplifting about the desire to live, to survive.  Gravity flows beautifully, never letting us leave the situation or allowing us a moment to breathe a sigh of relief until the bitter end.  It is also probably the most astonishing-looking film of 2013, and with its amazing performance by Sandra Bullock and the 'you are there' visuals and settings, it is one of a handful of films where you need to see it in 3-D to fully appreciate just how beautiful and powerful it is.

Num. 1

I don't think I have been moved so emotionally in any film of 2013 as I was with The Spectacular Now.  I could relate to the characters despite being almost old enough to be their father.  Curiously, it is the absence of fathers in both the main character's lives that shape them for good or bad, but the slow and beautifully acted romance between Miles Teller and Shailene Woodley gives The Spectacular Now what we need: a sense that these two will eventually turn out all right.  Miles Teller is a young actor with such intense promise (see his small roles in Rabbit Hole or Footloose) who is being relegated to second-rate comedies (perhaps don't see Project X or 21 and Over).  I hope his career is turned towards showcasing his true range and not just be part of an American Pie style of performer.  There simply is nothing I can say to express how beautiful Woodley is in The Spectacular Now.  She will soon be in the same category as Jennifer Lawrence and Mia Wasikowska, two other young actresses who are both beautiful and just great, great ACTRESSES, genuine actresses who can play the roles and not just be pretty onscreen (though that they all are too). 

If there were any justice on this Earth, Woodley and Teller would be shoe-ins for Best Actress and Actor at the Academy Awards, but the Academy loves the old people (Streep, Cate Blanchett, Thompson...all Oscar winners already) and those who made big splashes (Idris Elba, Chiwetel Ejiofor).  Nothing against any of them: they all did great work.  However, it is time for the Millennials to have their own genuine legends, and if things go well, Teller and especially Woodley will join the ranks of genuine actors who are also stars.  The Spectacular Now will be this generation's The Breakfast Club, only more serious.  It is a beautiful film that both broke my heart and uplifted it too.

For my money, The Spectacular Now is not just the Best Film of 2013 so far, or even the Best Film OF 2013.  It is one of the best films I have seen, period.