Da Vinci's Demons: The Enemies of Man Review

 

DA VINCI'S DEMONS: 

THE ENEMIES OF MAN

As we finally arrive back in the Old World after our Incan encounter, we see that Da Vinci's Demons still goes all in on the cray-cray. The Enemies of Man brings us a bit of a downer ending and given that we're only one episode from the finale, it does not bode well to see an upbeat one.

Now that we've left the Amazon, Leonardo da Vinci (Tom Riley) finds that things in his beloved Florence are now worse than before. The city is now in the hands of corrupt and sleazy Duke Federico (Vincent Riota). Holding Clarice de Medici (Lara Pulver) hostage, the city is in despair, thrown into chaos. How will Leo liberate his libertine city? The way to do so is not without a brutal cost, as Leo's mentor and friend must pay the ultimate price when they learn that Carlo de Medici (Ray Fearon) is the mysterious Labyrinth, who seeks revenge against the Sons of Mithras. It was Carlo, not the Abyssinian, who traveled to Macchu Pichu 

Meanwhile, Count Riario (Blake Ritson) is a man broken by guilt and emotional turmoil; he is saved from a suicide attempt after his uncle, Pope Sixtus IV (James Faulkner) mocks his pleas for spiritual forgiveness. He soon finds himself being emotionally and psychologically tortured by those who saved him, a spent and distraught figure.

In Naples, while Lorenzo de Medici (Elliot Cowan) has enough time for some sexy-time with Duchess Ippolita (Jeany Sparks), he finds that King Ferrante (Matthew Marsh) is dead, leaving his equally unstable son Alfonso (Kieran Bew) as the new king. Worse, now King Alfonso remains fiercely loyal to the Pope, who seeks terms of surrender.

Perhaps it is because a lot of time has elapsed since I've seen the episodes, but I find that The Enemies of Man and the following episode are blending together. There certainly is a lot going on here, and to their credit some of the performances are simply brilliant.

At the top of that list is Ritson, who has shifted from whispering villain to a tragic figure. As Da Vinci's Demons has progressed, he has stolen the spotlight from the equally hunky Riley. I think it is due to how their characters have evolved. 

Riley's da Vinci has remained pretty much the same: cocky, arrogant, catnip to every woman he comes across. Riario, however, has evolved from a coldblooded figure into an emotionally battered one, driven by genuine desires of blind loyalty only to find that the cost of following his faith has been a high one. Thinking he was saving souls, he was instead destroying his own.

It is a wonderful thing to see, which is why I am more impressed by Ritson than by Riley. It is not that Riley has slacked off: the sight of his friend, mentor and father-figure dying before his eyes is a strong bit of acting. It is, however, that he does not have many opportunities for such displays.

I thought well of The Enemies of Man, though at times it veered close to slipping into farce. Of particular note is when we see Clarice, who looks like the medieval version of Princess Leia's slave girl from Return of the Jedi. The episode is dominated by darkness and greys, which is fitting for such a downer of an episode and the generally bleak situation. Perhaps they went a bit overboard in the portrayal of Florence as a truly desperate city, but it is not a hill I'm willing to die on.

The Enemies of Man packed in a lot of stories in its running time. I thought it was good not great, but a strong lead up to the season finale.

6/10

Next Episode: The Sins of Daedalus

Lightyear: A Review

 

LIGHTYEAR

Lightyear, despite what audiences may think, is not really part of the Toy Story universe. Well, it is, in a roundabout way, but then, it isn't, according to those who made it. Confused? Don't worry, you won't get anything out of it.

Buzz Lightyear (Chris Evans) is leading a large ship of travelers in space to a new planet when he sees an uncharted planet. Taking the ship to explore if it is habitable, he and his loyal second-in-command Alisha Hawthorne (Uzo Aduba) quickly find that it is a dangerous world. While they manage to save those aboard the ship, they are now marooned on this planet, now named Takani Prime. 

Making the best of things, the passengers set up a colony. Buzz is determined to finish the mission, but that requires going into hyperspace. After the first test run, Buzz discovers that what to him are mere minutes are really four years on Takani Prime. Nevertheless, he persisted. Approximately 62 years pass, during which Alisha has married a woman named Kiko, given birth to a son, had a granddaughter and died.

Also after 62 years, Buzz's pet cat robot Sox (Peter Sohn) has finally gotten the formula right to get to hyperspace and take everyone off Takani Prime. Buzz, however, has to deal with two problems. One is the invasion of Takani Prime from a mysterious figure named Emperor Zurg (James Brolin). The other is Izzy (Keke Palmer), Alisha's granddaughter, and her two companions: clumsy Mo Morrison (Taika Waititi) and elderly convict Darby Steel (Dale Soules). Forced to join forces with "rookies", Buzz must now fight alongside them to stop Zurg and save the community. Zurg, however, has a shocking secret of his own that ties him to Lightyear, one that could destroy past and future. Buzz now has to make many choices and do the right thing.

Ah, to be so meta. Lightyear wants to have its cake and eat it too. It wants to be simultaneously tied to and untethered to the Toy Story franchise. It wants us to imagine this is a live-action film as well as the big faux-1995 hit that inspired the Buzz Lightyear action figure which Toy Story's Andy so longed for. In fact, Lightyear opens with an almost Star Wars-like opening text saying that Lightyear is the 1995 film Andy saw that made him fall in love with Buzz Lightyear.

If that is the case, one is left wondering why Andy preferred a Buzz Lightyear action figure when a Sox one would have been the more popular one. 

Lightyear is a pretty pointless film. Worse, it is a dull one, with little wit or joy to make one want repeat viewings, let alone inspire a crazed in the Clinton years. The Buzz Lightyear in Lightyear is a pompous nitwit, one who changes little between ineptly putting potentially millions of lives at risk due to his own idiocy and refusing to accept any help.

Perhaps the heights, or depths, of Buzz's intelligence is when he literally tries to stop a falling spacecraft with his own body strength. I am aware the Chris Evans played Captain America, but even for an alleged "it's animated but it's really a live-action film" this is daft. I imagine that if Lightyear had been the live-action film Disney and Pixar insist audiences are supposed to treat it as, they would have either rolled their eyes or howled with laughter at Buzz Lightyear attempting to either slow down or stop a spacecraft with just his own physical strength.

IF we treat Lightyear as this action/drama they'd like us to, I'd have to say that it fails spectacularly. None of the characters are interesting. Buzz is dull, dim and not interesting. The comic relief from Mo Morrison falls flat. Darby is nothing more than a crochety old person (often I was not sure if Darby was a male or female). Worse, she (I think Darby is female) is so uninteresting that both Buzz and I had a hard time remembering her name.

"Nice job, elderly convict," Buzz tells her at one point. It was such a low level of interest that Buzz apparently did not bother to learn her name. I think I heard it once, and I couldn't remember it either, so this was a broken clock being right twice a day deal. 

Izzy and Grandmama Alisha were not interesting either. Izzy helpfully informs us that she has space-phobia, so we know she'll have to confront it later on. Alisha helpfully informs us that she is engaged to a woman named Kiko, whom we never actually hear from or know. 

Lightyear, if it is tied to the Toy Story mythos, now opts to contradict what people have seen before. If my memory of Toy Story 2 serves correct, Emperor Zurg turned out to be Buzz Lightyear's father, an obvious spoof of The Empire Strikes Back. Now, we learn that Zurg is really an older version of Buzz. 

It's as if Lightyear almost went out of its way to upend what audiences were already used to.

The Star Wars connections are fast and furious in Lightyear, to where if Lightyear had actually premiered in 1995, George Lucas would have sued for copyright infringement. You have an explosion that mirrors the destruction of the Death Star. You have a hologram that is inches short of saying, "Help me, Obi-Wan Lightyear. You're my only hope". 

It is one thing to spoof famous moments. It is another to flat-out rip them off and try to pass them off in what is meant as a major franchise starter.

That Lightyear fails so sadly in being fun or interesting makes its naked suggestion for a sequel more sad than hilarious. 

So much of Lightyear is so uninteresting. He is not a hero, but an idiot. He does not seem to either understand or care that rather than work to get people off the planet his incompetence got them there, he keeps losing years. We're supposed to believe it was a robotic cat, and not the scientists, who figured out the hyperspace formula. We're supposed to believe that said robotic cat can run for over 60 years without any kind of maintenance.

Lightyear, to be fair, does have some positives. Michael Giacchino's score is quite good, and some moments are visually arresting. Of particular note is when Izzy has to cross into deep space. However, because Lightyear took itself so seriously, there is no real joy in the project. I get that it is meant to be seen as this great space epic that inspired the toy, not the toy's origin story. However, sometimes people can be too clever by half, making what could have been a fun family film into a self-important, dull one.

Lightyear will not last in the memory by the end of the year, let alone to infinity and beyond.

DECISION: D-

Jurassic World Dominion: A Review

JURASSIC WORLD DOMINION

I see that I am fighting something of an uphill battle when it comes to Jurassic World Dominion, the film billed as the conclusion of the Jurassic Park/World film franchise. Audiences, it appears, seem to love this hybrid of nostalgia and action. I did not hate it, but I am also puzzled as to why audiences love it.

Jurassic World Dominion essentially is two films that run parallel to each other, briefly cross paths but never really connect, then diverge to their own stories. Plot One involves Owen Grady (Chris Pratt) and Claire Dearing (Bryce Dallas Howard). They have served as de facto parents to Maisie Lockwood (Isabella Sermon), the clone we last saw in Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom. The sullen, surly child hates being hidden away from the world, but hidden away she must be. She, as a clone, is the target of nefarious figures. 

Unsurprisingly, she is abducted, along with the child of Owen's favorite dinosaur, Blue. It's up to Owen and Claire to rescue Maisie. That involves going to Maltese dinosaur black markets and getting help from Kayla Watts (DeWanda Wise), a pilot who can spirit them into the heavily guarded dino sanctuary run by megacorporation Biosyn, headed by the shadowy Lewis Dodgson (Campbell Scott). 

Plot Two involves giant locust plaguing the American Midwest and South. Dr. Ellie Sattler (Laura Dern) has been investigating the giant locust, which curiously affect only non-Biosyn seed. Fortunately for her, Dr. Ian Malcolm (Jeff Golblum) happens to be lecturing the Biosyn staff at Dodgson's invitation, so he can provide a way for her to get locust samples to prove Biosyn is up to no good. To provide credibility, she gets her fellow Jurassic Park survivor Dr. Alan Grant (Sam Neill) to join her.

It's here that Grant and Sattler discover Maisie, that Biosyn falls into total chaos, and then after the two groups complete their goals, go their separate ways.

I kept an informal track of when the cast of the Jurassic Park films and the cast of the Jurassic World films finally met. For a film that lasts approximately two and a half hours, the two groups finally worked together at about the 1 hour and 45 minute mark. Granted, I could be wrong in my calculations. However, it does show to me at least that essentially neither group was needed for the other group's plot. 

You could have had a whole film around the Owen/Claire story, with them taking over from Sattler, Malcolm and Grant with the Biosyn break-in. You could have had a whole film around the Sattler, Malcolm and Grant story, with them taking over from Owen and Claire with the Biosyn break-in. Dominion is, to my mind, two films crammed into one, where one story essentially interrupted the other.

Early on in Dominion, I thought that there were two plots going on and that one of them could work without the other. I am astonished at how odd everything around Dominion is, particularly with the superfluous Sattler, Malcolm and Grant.

For reasons I cannot fathom, Sattler and Grant were amazed at the creatures Biosyn had in its sanctuary. I thought to myself, "They've encountered dinosaurs before. Moreover, dinosaurs have apparently been around for close to thirty years. Why then are thy still amazed?". I would have thought the novelty had worn off.

However, like many audience members, the novelty has not worn off. Nostalgia can get over many things such as logic or plot. For example, when a group of them were trapped in a cave and Malcolm could get them out by punching in the right code, I saw Maisie pick up a skull to throw at the dinosaurs. I wondered, "Did people already die here and Biosyn did not appear to notice or care?"

As Dodgson was attempting to flee his own fallen kingdom, he takes with him an old, beat-up shaving creme container. Am I to assume that this was the container that held the stolen samples from the first Jurassic Park film? If so, how was it found, given it was buried in the mud during a hurricane when the park first fell apart? I figure whatever was in that container had long ago become useless, so what was the point of it being there?

Moreover, while there were a lot of dinosaurs running around the world, why did only the CIA notice giant locust were swallowing up whole fields? 

I genuinely felt for Sam Neill, up to a point. I figure he made a great deal of money to come back, but out of the already unnecessary Jurassic Park characters, his Alan Grant particularly suffered. Many times, he looked genuinely lost to where I thought Grant had dementia. When he finally sees Dr. Wu (B.D. Wong), Grant cocks his head slightly and says, "I Remember You", but I was not sure if he meant that as an accusation or as surprise he recognized anyone. He was forever kept out of things, such as Malcolm and Sattler planning to break into the underground laboratory. 

Instead, he was shunted off for some odd, alleged comedy bit involving a Biosyn barista, and even that got a bit lost in the shuffle. Why he needed to be both included and excludes is a mystery.

So much of Dominion seems put together haphazardly, as if screenwriters Emily Carmichael and Colin Trevorrow (who also directed) felt logic was a bother to deal with. Perhaps this is a spoiler, but apparently Maisie is not a real clone, or at least a clone that was birthed versus some lab experiment.

I don't know, a lot of Dominion did not make sense to me. I figure it can be explained by wiser people, but I also think that the main issue of "two films for the price of one" still creates a difficult situation.

I do not think there was any actual acting, unless it was either over or under. Jeff Goldblum has perfected his slightly eccentric persona, but I was surprised at how lackadaisical he was when trying to break people free. No sense of urgency or even realization of the potential for death seemed to disturb him. Pratt, to his credit, handled the action well, but I have not shifted my view that he is more an action star than actor.

Sermon came across as highly unlikeable to where I would not have objected if she had been eaten by a dinosaur. Scott seemed more funny than dangerous as the crazed evil billionaire. Wise was the only one to come out well out of this as the competent pilot. 

I did not hate Jurassic World Dominion. I just did not have as good a time as I did in Fallen Kingdom, though to be fair my enjoyment of the latter was more for the unintended humor than anything else.

DECISION: D+

JURASSIC PARK FILMS

Jurassic Park

The Lost World: Jurassic Park

Jurassic Park III

Jurassic World

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

Jurassic World Rebirth

Kundun: A Review

 

KUNDUN

It was a few decades ago when Tibet was the cause du jour for many, particularly in the arts. That is, until the Chinese market became so lucrative that many would willingly ignore the human rights violations and systematic oppression of religion and minorities to get at the yuan. Kundun, a biographical film of the Fourteenth and current Dalai Lama, was the second of two films built around His Holiness released in 1997. Respectful, reverential to the point of deifying the Dalai Lama, Kundun is a beautiful but sadly hollow portrait of this historic figure.

Kundun shows the life of Tenzin Gyatso, a precocious, slightly obnoxious Tibetan boy. He is coddled a bit and somewhat entitled, but no one can explain why. That is, until 1937, when little Tenzin correctly identifies various objects belonging to the 13th Dalai Lama, declaring each "MINE!" in his child's voice.

Spirited off to Lhasa, he grows in wisdom and deep Buddhist faith while seeing the frailties of mortal man. His parents become comfortably wealthy, the man who found him grows greedy and eventually dies in the Potala Palace prison, leading the innocent Dalai Lama to ask, "Potala has a prison?".

He also faces the growing threat from the Chinese, culminating in the Communist invasion of Tibet in their effort to force Tibet to join China (or rejoin China, as the Chinese stubbornly insist Tibet has always been Chinese). The Dalai Lama is urged to flee, and he comes close, but ultimately is temporarily talked back into returning to Lhasa and even meeting Chairman Mao (Robert Lin). The Chairman, as pleasant as he appears to be, is not a man to be trifled with. Despite His Holiness seeing some common ground between socialism and Buddhism, Chairman Mao coolly informs the Dalai Lama, "Religion is poison". Seeing no alternative, the Dalai Lama goes into exile in India, where he still hopes to return to his native Tibet.

Kundun reminds me of two other films, both Best Picture winning biopics: The Last Emperor and Gandhi. Like the former, Kundun is the story of a child perceived as all-powerful and all-knowing, who can order adults around to do his bidding who ultimately is shown as powerless and forced into exile. Like the latter, Kundun is the story of an almost divine figure, who has apparently never sinned and who has a persona and personality that has him almost walk on water.

Herein lies the problem with Kundun: it is pretty but also pretty empty, a film of visual and audible splendor but hollow despite the admittedly beautiful trappings.

This was apparently a passion project for practically everyone involved. Screenwriter Melissa Mathison was active in the Free Tibet movement and devotee of His Holiness. So too is composer Philip Glass, who wrote the Oscar-nominated score. Director Martin Scorsese is one who searches out for spiritual themes in some of his films such as The Last Temptation of Christ and Silence, so Kundun's strong Buddhist spirituality would appeal to him.

However, again herein lies the problem. Kundun, both film and title character, are treated with such awe and reverence that the man behind the Ocean of Compassion is lost. Like with Gandhi, we never know the man behind the myth. The film spends far too much time and energy making the 14th Dalai Lama into this God-Man, one that almost makes Jesus Christ look like your wacky next-door neighbor. This Dalai Lama oozes divinity to an almost maddening manner. He is unsoiled by humanity. He is never cross. He is never happy. He neither cracks jokes or throws shade. 

He is all virtues, no flaws.

It is interesting that in the Jesus miniseries starring Jeremy Sisto, Christ was able to tease his disciples and have a good time at the wedding at Cana. The figure many people hold to be God in human form had a sense of humor. The figure many people hold to be the reincarnation of a high Buddhist teacher, conversely, is gentility itself, forever horrified at the barbarity and cruelty of humans and forever calm, placid and serene.

Whether it is being informed of his father's passing or that the Chinese have invaded, nothing appears to affect or trouble His Holiness. Kundun takes the term "His Holiness" to almost hilarious levels, where one expects him to float off into India rather than bother crossing it on land.

Like with The Last Emperor, the title character is more an observer than the engine. The difference with the last pairing is that when it came to the actual Last Emperor, Pu Yi, his inability to shape history itself, let alone his own life, was the driving force of the film. 

Kundun, conversely, puts the Dalai Lama at the center of events but they neither impact him nor does he impact them. They just happen around him, and despite his court waiting for him to make decisions, his primary decisions seem to be to let them do whatever they think is best.   

In short, despite being the main/title character, there is no Kundun in Kundun.

The blame lies with Scorsese and Mathison. Scorsese has all his actors behave as though people have no emotions. He is too focused both on the visuals in Kundun and in showing reverence to His Holiness to take time on focusing on Tenzin Gyatso the man. Even the minor villain of Reting Rinpoche (Sonan Phuntsok), the Tibetan regent who found the reincarnated Dalai Lama but grew too greedy when it came to his reward, was almost more a shadow than a positive or negative entity.

Mathison for her part was simply too worshipful of the Dalai Lama. She clearly believed him to be quasi-divine, incapable of human frailties or frivolities. She looks upon His Holiness with reverence, but she also expects us to as well without giving us any reason to. Those of us who are not Buddhist will wonder what drives this man, why we should care about his particular plight, and Kundun does not give us reasons to.

It is hard to empathize or care about someone who is so far above us, so perfect, so pure, so holy. 

The positives in Kundun are exterior. The film has a beautiful score, mixing West and East splendidly. It also has some beautiful visual moments courtesy of Roger Deakins' cinematography. It is not surprising that the cinematography and score were two of Kundun's four Oscar nominations, along with the film's costume and set designs. Each of them creates a beautiful, rich visual production that is a feast for the eyes and ears. 

However, a rich visual and audible experience cannot make up for an empty production. Kundun is not a bad film, but an empty one. It is worth watching only as something to watch, to enjoy the vastness and visual splendor it presents. If you enjoy seeing and hearing beautiful images and music, you can enjoy Kundun. If you want to know the private man behind the reincarnation, look elsewhere, for Kundun is nowhere to be found in Kundun.

Born 1935

DECISION: C+

Da Vinci's Demons: The Fall from Heaven Review

 

DA VINCI'S DEMONS: 

THE FALL FROM HEAVEN

It is not until now that I realize the pun in The Fall from Heaven, that of a literal fall. As we finally get closer to the end of Da Vinci's Demons Season Two, we get one of the best performances of the series and some wild, even funny turns.

We are finally back to the beginning when we started Season Two, and we see that Riario (Black Ritson) is overwhelmed with guilt over his past. Despite being a "sword of the Church", he sees that he is a most miserable sinner. Despite being close to death, he and Leonardo da Vinci (Tom Riley) will continue their mad hunt for both the Book of Leaves and Leo's mysterious mother. Engineering a great escape, they along with Zoroaster (Gregg Chillin) and Nico (Eros Vlahos), they go back to the cave and discover an automaton that speaks in Leo's mother's voice. How to escape the Incans?

Well, fly away of course. Leo creates parachuting and sadly informs Incan High Priestess Ima Kama (Carolina Herrera) that there is no literal book. With that, she knows her civilization is doomed. So is Riario's soul, who reveals a shocking revelation about his most brutal act involving his own mother.

Meanwhile, back in Italy, Pope Sixtus IV (James Faulkner) is amused by the appearance of the Turkish Bayezid (Akin Gazi), the Sultan's son. He quickly orders him stripped and driven out of Rome, much to Bayezid's shock and anger. In Naples, Florentine Lorenzo de Medici (Elliot Cowan) is working to curry favor with the mad King Ferrante (Matthew Marsh) with a little help from pirates and a lot of help from former flame Ippolita, Duchess of Urbino (Jeany Spark). In Constantinople, the Sultan's advisor Jacob Pasha (Raymond Coulthard) sees that Lucrezia Donati (Laura Haddock) is not on the up and up.

It is the Riario story that elevates The Fall from Heaven. Ritson's performance is perhaps his finest in the season. A haunted, tormented man, he's moved past the soft-voiced villain from Season One. His final monologue, accompanied by genuinely shocking and sad images of his final interaction with his mother, will move the viewer.

If not for Ritson, I would have found a lot of The Fall from Heaven very uncomfortable. Again, I go back to the graphic violence on the show. The throat-slashing of Incan sacrificial victims was far too graphic, and I think unnecessary. The killing Riario remembers too is highly disturbing to me. Then a poor Incan warrior gets crushed by some doors. I do not understand why Da Vinci's Demons opts to show more than perhaps I think they should. I do wish some restraint would be exercised.

I also found some of the acting surprisingly theatrical. I would put Coulthard's Jacob rather overdone, but Spark and even some of the regulars like Cowan seemed to revel in some slightly campy acting.

I am not sure whether to take Leonardo da Vinci and company paragliding to safety funny or not. Granted, we crossed some lines when we have Leonardo da Vinci cavorting in Incan High Priestesses but even here, things seem pretty bonkers.

As I reflect on The Fall from Heaven, I see that my enthusiasm has damped a bit. Blake Ritson did a fantastic job here, and he elevates the episode. However, apart from that, I was not bowled over by this fall.

6/10

Next Episode: The Enemies of Man

Shanghai Surprise: A Review (Review #1595)

 

SHANGHAI SURPRISE

Upon its release Shanghai Surprise was painted as one of 1986's biggest bombs and one of the worst films ever made. Now, with nearly forty years since it became infamous having passed, perhaps one can look at Shanghai Surprise free from its notoriety. I confess to enjoying Shanghai Suprise, as well as finding it a pretty bad film.

In 1937, mysterious opium smuggler Walter Faraday (Paul Freeman) disappears in Shanghai. A year later, prim and proper Helping Hands missionary Miss Tatlock (Madonna) is told by her superior Mr. Burns to hire Glendon Wasey (Sean Penn) to help her find the lost opium stash. Wasey has no interest in searching for "Faraday's Flowers", which he dismisses as a myth. However, Tatlock is set on finding the opium, which she believes will help ease the pain of wounded soldiers.

Essentially bribed into helping, Wasey and Tatlock begin the search for Wu Ch'En She (George She), Faraday's former valet who stole Faraday's Flowers as Shanghai was engulfed in chaos. Unfortunately, they are not the only ones searching for this stash. It isn't long before Wasey and Tatlock are both pursuing and the pursued. Everyone from warlord Mei Gan (Kay Tong Lin) to baseball-obsessed gangster Joe Go (Clyde Kusatsu) and even Faraday's frenemy Willie Tuttle (Richard Griffiths) work with or against them in their pursuit. 

We even get Faraday's former mistress China Doll (Sonserai Lee) and the ever-present yet unexplained Justin Kronk (Philip Sayer) into this mix. Faraday's Flowers may not be what people think they are, and neither may some other figures milling about. Ultimately, Wasey's glow-in-the-dark ties may be the key to get at this treasure, with Gloria Tatlock as a bonus prize.

The summary of Shanghai Surprise is actually more straightforward than the film itself, as Shanghai Surprise pretty much jumps from one point to another with nary rhyme or reason. Is it a comedy? It is an adventure? Is it a drama? Is it a romance? Is it a musical? 

Trying to make it all of them does not work, especially since at each point it fails.

I admit I did laugh at one particular scene, when Victor Wong offered "the reverend lady" insurance on her body parts in exchange for information. His offer to insure her "twin pagodas" or "haven of celestial bliss" made me laugh, but more in a cringe manner than in a hilarious one. A lot of the laughter from Shanghai Surprise comes from how inept and illogical the John Kohn and Robert Bentley adaptation of Faraday's Flowers was.

I admit never having heard, let alone read, Tony Kendrick's novel. However, there is simply no way to make a man with porcelain hands remotely threatening. Lim's Mei Gan came across as a Dr. No spoof that even Austin Powers would think was too silly. It was such an over-the-top performance that somehow, a villain having porcelain hands that he apparently can use to crush an opponent's with seems almost rational.

There are other oddball elements, such as Joe Go constantly referring to himself in the third person and the various sexual techniques that China Doll might use on Wasey. Poor guy: he has to have sex with a beautiful courtesan to literally pump information out of her. When they visit Tuttle at his cafe/brothel, two women mistake Wasey for "Phil Borak", but there is never an explanation to this. Was this a fake name Wasey had used? Was it a genuine case of mistaken identity? Why is this important enough to bring up? Why was it not brought up again?

At the heart of Shanghai Surprise's failure are the figures who earned the nickname "The Poison Penns". Madonna simply embarrasses herself throughout Shanghai Surprise. A more generous interpretation can be offered in that Miss Tatlock had no consistency: one moment disgusted by Wasey, the next taking her clothes off to seduce him into staying on.

However, there are scenes and moments where you cringe at seeing how inept the Material Girl was. Throughout Shanghai Surprise, she did not act. She did not even really speak her dialogue. She instead seemed to just be there, saying things that did not appear to make sense to her, as if English was being created on the spot. Some moments were so bad in terms of acting, such as when she stomps up and down in anger, that it simply boggles the mind how someone who controlled so much of her image would look at that and think it should be released.

Penn, however, makes things worse. He is a trained actor and future two-time Oscar winner, but here he looks bored and unenthusiastic. His performance also suggests that he did not know whether Shanghai Surprise was meant to be serious or silly, as he switches between the two, sometimes in the same scene. 

Shanghai Surprise is remembered now, apart from its connection to the former Mr. and Mrs. Penn, for the songs the film's producer wrote for it. George Harrison's soundtrack, on the whole, I found fine even if not particularly great. I do not know why the title song needed to echo a James Bond opening credit scene (in this case, You Only Live Twice). Shanghai Surprise is rather curious, a song that I simultaneously like while also think is awful. 

I am puzzled why one number, The Hottest Gong in Town, had to be in Dixieland style. It sets that wild, almost schizophrenic manner to Shanghai Surprise, not sure what it wants to be. 

As I conclude my look at Shanghai Surprise, I am amazed that it has not been embraced as a midnight movie. I found Shanghai Surprise to be a "so bad it's good" film, a film that did entertain me, if perhaps if not the way it ended it to be. 

DECISION: C-

Da Vinci's Demons: The Vault of Heaven Review

DA VINCI'S DEMONS: 

THE VAULT OF HEAVEN

Perhaps my lack of enthusiasm for The Vault of Heaven is due to what is a pretty cliched situation: the many-trapped vault. I can roll with this up to a point, but my major takeaway here is, "Why do temples holding secrets always need so many clever traps?". 

Leonardo da Vinci (Tom Riley) and Count Riario (Blake Ritson) are forced to join forces to find the mythical Book of Leaves, suspected to be hidden within a well-guarded Incan cave. Along with their companions Nico (Eros Vlahos) and Zoroaster (Gregg Chillin), they must go through various traps which Leonardo solves with some ease. Once they get to the final test, Leo hears his mother's voice coming from inside. However, as he went ahead without Incan High Priestess Ima Kama (Carolina Herrera) despite his promise not to, they are all to be executed.

Back in Florence, Clarice de Medici (Lara Pulver) is continuing her affair with her half-brother-in-law Carlo (Ray Fearon). A tryst, however, is a true coitus interruptus when ninjas descend from the roof to try and kill them, along with Vanessa (Hera Hilmar), who carries the late Guiliano's child. Who could be behind the plot, and why? 

Finally, Lucrezia Donati (Laura Haddock) has reached Constantinople, where she has an audience with Bayezid (Akin Gazi), the younger son of the Sultan. She hopes to get him to go to Rome as part of her plan to get the real Pope Sixtus IV, her father, back onto St. Peter's Throne. However, like Leonardo, she finds herself a literal hostage to fortune.

Good or bad, I could not help thinking of Legends of the Hidden Temple while watching The Vault of Heaven. All that was missing was the Temple Guards popping out to scare Nico. 

I was not overwhelmed with the idea that the Book of Leaves is guarded via elaborate traps, finding the concept slightly comical. Somehow, it seems now slightly looney that the Incas would simultaneously want someone to find the Book of Leaves to save their society and make it so difficult that any effort to get to it will get you killed. We see others have tried, but some traps seem so outlandish that I chuckled versus feared.

We also have the issue of ninjas storming the Medici Palace. Granted, they were not literally ninjas, but their tactics were very Ninja-like. It makes things slightly hilarious versus scary. 

What does lift The Vault of Heaven are the performances, which continue to be excellent. Riley and Ritson work so well together as these frenemies, joined in a cause but having no love for each other. In a smaller subplot, James Faulkner oozes villainy with brilliance as Pope Sixtus IV. Commenting on the issue of temptation, he remarks that the sin is not in its existence but in its worship. Haddock also does well as Lucrezia, attempting to hide her character's fear behind an image of strength.

Still, the entire booby-trapped Incan maze deal is a bit hackneyed. Where art thou, Olmec?

4/10

Next Episode: The Fall from Heaven